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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 05-31-2009, 06:05 AM
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Default The Magnetic Raiders

The Magnetic Raiders

Most people today remember the Kanto-Johto War as a brief skirmish that was merely the results of two nations suddenly discovering the other one exists. History books tend to skirt around the fact that for eight years, those two nations fought ruthlessly, vying for control of the common border and ultimately wishing to push into each other’s territory, and will omit the shocking 250,000 missing or dead. Because of that, few people remember the valiant accomplishments of a small group of men in the Johto Army, who located and would eventually secure the most horrible Prisoner of War camp in all of Kanto. They were known as the Magnetic Raiders, and this is their story.

~ ~ ~

Four men pulled themselves up a sloped and muddy hill, grunting with fatigue as they made their way. They would be on the Johto-Kanto border once they reached the top, though they were not embarking on a combat mission. Their Sergeant held in one hand a topographical map, and a compass in the other. He murmured to himself as he attempted to decipher where it was they went off course, for they surely would not be sent to cross the border on such an open section. Sergeant Knapp was a sturdy, yet un-intimidating man of some thirty years. He was by the book, wearing his standard issue combat fatigues and helmet, and a heavily loaded pack around his waist. The large helmet obscured most of his face, save for his dirty cheeks and unkempt facial hair. Seeming frustrated by the coordinates, he turned to the men.

“Hunker down for fifteen minutes, but keeps your eyes peeled,” he ordered. “Simpson!”
“Sir?”
“Get in contact with HQ and request our position. Tell them we’re off our route and we need to get back to these coordinates.”
“Yes, sir.”

Private Simpson was, like most, a draftee. But it was his intelligence and uncanny understanding of radio science that landed him on the comparatively safe Magnetic Raiders recon unit. Simpson was able to utilize a Pokemon known as Magnemite, to send messages across miles of terrain to Headquarters, where a receiver, who would also have a Magnemite to pick up the message. By twisting the screw atop a Magnemite’s head, a skilled radioman could release radio frequencies of varying pitch, which could be drawn out or cut short to form Morse code. Much training was required to be able to form a cohesive message this way, making radiomen few and far between. Because of this, a radioman was often heavily protected, and Simpson enjoyed this luxury.

Simpson’s olive drab fatigues had a special magnetic patch sewed on the back, allowing him to carry his Magnemite as if it were a backpack. At the time, Pokeballs were a mostly unknown technology to the Raiders, of whom only the Captain was able to permanently keep a combat Pokemon by storing it in an Apricorn, the predecessor of what would soon come to be commonly referred to as Pokeballs.

Besides Magnemite and the Captain’s Pokemon, the rest of the team would only utilize what creatures they could find, and only until they either died, or escaped. They would entice a wild Pokemon to them with food, or in some cases simply overpower and tie a rope around it. Because Pokemon were unreliable as weapons, each soldier wielded a firearm, typically a single-shot, bolt-action rifle. Most soldiers didn’t care for it. The weapons were poorly constructed en masse, with defective units frequently getting past the shoddy inspection. But the Magnetic Raiders, along with the rest of the Johto Armed Forces, would have to make due.

Simpson crouched down and reached his hands back over his shoulders, grasping the u-shaped magnets on both sides of the steel orb. With a tug, he plucked the Pokemon off of the magnetic patch, and began to send a message.

“Ready with that Magnemite, Simpson?” asked Sergeant Knapp.
“Affirmative,” the radioman replied. “What’s the message?”
“Tell HQ that we’re off our route and we need new directions to our destination on the border.”

Twisting the screw, Simpson was able to produce the message. Faint beeping sounds could be heard resonating from the Pokemon as the radio waves began to emanate. The men waited silently for several minutes, watching for Magnemite to begin relaying a reply. Suddenly, its magnets began spinning, and Magnemite began producing audible beeps and buzzes. Simpson began studying the message as it repeated over and over, as was the standard procedure to ensure the code was interpreted correctly.

- .-- --- / -- .. .-.. . ... / -. --- .-. - .... .-.-.- / - ..- -. -. . .-.. / ..- -. -.. . .-. / -- --- ..- -. - .- .. -. .-.-.- / ..-. . .-. .- .-.. / -.-. .-. . .- - ..- .-. . ... / .. -. ... .. -.. . .-.-.- / . -. - . .-. / .- ..-. - . .-. / -.. .- .-. -.- --..-- / . -..- .. - / -... . ..-. --- .-. . / -.. .- .-- -. .-.-.-

“What’s it saying?” asked the Sergeant.
“Um… We need to go North… uh, was that two or twenty-two? Wait, wait, it was two. Two miles North. Mountain… Mountain! It’s there, that one right on the horizon, that’s where we’re headed.”
“Are you crazy?” asked Farley, one of the soldiers. “There are Kanto bases all over that mountain. No Recon unit is fightin’ its way through that.”
“Hold on, there’s more to it, give me a second here…” said Simpson. “ There’s a… There’s a tunnel that goes straight under the mountain. Headquarters says to use it, but only to go in after dark.”
“Slip right under ‘em,” said Sergeant Knapp.
“I don’t know about that one, sir,” interjected Booker, a soldier who specialized in studying Pokemon. “There’s always especially vicious Pokemon living in caves and tunnels like that. Blood-sucking vampire bats that fall on us from the ceiling and hulking boulders-come-to-life that our rifles wouldn’t even scratch…”
“Well, what would you rather fight?” Farley asked. “Over a hundred Kanto soldiers, or Pokemon that we don’t even know if they’re there or not?”
“Enough,” began the Sergeant. “HQ said to go underground at night, and to be out by morning. If there are vampire bats, then they’d be outside the cave at night, and back by morning – it makes sense that HQ would tell us to go in like that. They’ve already accounted for the creatures lurking within, and they’re making sure we miss them completely.”

Amidst the men’s loud conversation was a whizzing sound spiraling through the air.

“What the hell is that?” asked Booker.
“Get down!” shouted Sergeant Knapp. “Find some cover! Over there! Over there! Get in the ditch!”

Sergeant Knapp ducked down and dove into a shallow, muddy ditch, followed by Simpson, Booker, and Farley. They hugged the slope, trying to avoid whatever it was the enemy was throwing at them. Knapp raised his head out of the ditch for a split-second. He saw a volley of white orbs flying towards them. Farley too stood out of cover to try and see what was happening, but exposed much more of his body than the Sergeant had done. One of the white orbs hit him directly in the chest, exploding in a splash of thick, yellow-colored yolk. The gel-like substance began to sizzle, burning clean through his uniform and grafting to his skin, generating a disturbing sizzling sound.

“Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!” Farley screamed uncontrollably, trying to wipe the burning yolk off his chest with his hands, only spreading the burn around.

“Hang on!” shouted the Sergeant. Knapp picked up a handful of mud and tried to wipe the gel off of Farley, though it had already caused serious burns. “Booker! What are these things?”

“I don’t know, Sarge, I can’t see it!” Booker yelled. He quickly popped up to take a quick glance before ducking back down. Each time he saw more and more of what was happening. He thought he saw a walking tree, with three faces.

“What is it?” Knapp asked again.
“It’s a tree with three faces, I’m trying to remember the- I got it, it’s an Exeggutor. That’s what’s throwing the Egg Bombs at us!”
“Ah, ****. Booker, get over here and help me with Farley. Simpson, see if you can get a shot on that Exeggutor. Shoot that monster in the head! Any head!”

Simpson held his rifle in an awkward stance; combat was not his forte, and the recon unit rarely encountered serious resistance. He quickly popped up out of cover, and took a shot at the Exeggutor. It was a glance shot that soared past the monster completely. Ducking back down, Simpson reached into his pocket, feeling around for another bullet. He grasped one within his fist, but as he pulled it out of his pocket, several other rounds came with it. They instantly sank into the mud. Undeterred by his blunder, Simpson clumsily loaded the bullet into his rifle. He raised his head to line up a shot, only to see an Egg Bomb hurling in his direction. He fell back into the ditch just quick enough to avoid a direct impact, with the explosive hitting the tip of the ditch, though the splash of yolk made it over the ridge. Simpson could feel the strange substance burning through his helmet. Looking over his shoulder, he could also see some of the jellied yellow liquid sticking to Magnemite, sizzling into its steel body.

Sergeant Knapp and Booker had managed to wipe most of the yolk off of Farley, though he was left with painful burns, and a tattered uniform filled with holes. Knapp looked over at Simpson, and noticed the yolk burning through his helmet.

“Simpson! Take your helmet off! You don’t want to get that **** on your head!”
“Ahh, alright! He shouted, frantically tossing the destroyed helmet from his head.

The radioman stood up for a couple of seconds, dangerously exposing himself as he attempted to line up a shot on the Exeggutor. The rifle shook in his hands. He squeezed the trigger, releasing the round. It hit the Exeggutor’s middle head, causing it to burst in a small explosion of yolky membrane. The creature stumbled briefly, before falling to the ground.

“There you go Simpson!” said the Sergeant.

Simpson reached into his pocket for another bullet, but there were none, and the ones he spilled out accidentally had already sunk into the mud.

“I’m out, Sarge!” he shouted.
“Here, take my-“ he was cut off by a gargantuan explosion.

A massive fireball, comparable to the size of a meteor, came crashing down to earth just short of the ditch. Before they could even react, another flaming mortar was already hurdling towards them.

“Incoming!” roared the Sergeant. “Move! Go left, go left!”
“I need ammo!” Simpson repeated.
“Here, catch!” Knapp said as he tossed one of the packs lining his waist to the radioman. “Simpson, get over here, we have to move!”

The second fireball landed in the ditch, knocking Simpson over as the rest of the squad ran away. He struggled to his feet, only to see an orange dragon take to the skies. It sported a massive wingspan, and its tail kept a flame like a candle. It was chasing Knapp, Booker, and Farley, who were all separated from Simpson by a raging wildfire caused by the mortars. The three Magnetic Raiders sprinted as fast as they could, dodging frequent blasts of fire from the dragon’s mouth. Simpson knew he wouldn’t catch up to them, and took off in the opposite direction. He thought he’d get away safely, seeing as the dragon was focused on the others.

The radioman climbed out of the ditch and began to dash, as bullets started whizzing past him. He glanced quickly over his shoulder, and saw several Kanto soldiers standing near the dead Exeggutor. Simpson did not try to return fire, only running as quickly as he could. He heard a shot ricochet off of Magnemite, though he couldn’t stop to check on it. Unknown to him, the dragon had temporarily haunted its pursuit of the others, having spotted Simpson. It formed yet another meteor-like mortar, and lobbed it at the fleeing radioman. He looked back for a split-second, seeing the fireball speeding towards him. Petrified, and with no cover in sight, he dove to the ground and covered his head with his hands. The meteor’s reflection could be seen in Magnemite’s wide eye as it neared. It touched down, in a deafening explosion of fire…
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Old 05-31-2009, 06:08 AM
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Default Re: The Magnetic Raiders

Simpson came to, with blurred vision and a ringing in his head. The sky was dark, and the violent explosions and gunshots had ceased. He tried to move, but was overtaken by a sudden surge of pain. His body was covered with burns from the dragon’s firebomb; the fact that Simpson had survived was a miracle in itself. Straining, he managed to sit up.

Oh, God, what happened…? Come on Ray, focus here… Find the others…
“Hello?” Sarge? Booker, Farley? Anybody…?”

Simpson was alone. But then, out of the silence, he heard a buzz. His rifle and Sergeant Knapp’s ammunition bag were within reach; he collected them. A few feet away was Magnemite. Its steel body was burnt, and dented, but the Pokemon was clinging to life. The wounded radio man clawed his way across the dirt and charred grass to reach the Magnemite. Putting his talents to use, he attempted to relay a message back to Headquarters. But the Magnemite was too damaged, and failed to send the code.

No good, it’s too weak… Come on… Stand up, aagh…

Fighting the throb in his legs, the radioman managed to stand. As damaged and burnt as his uniform was, the magnetic patch sewn onto his shirt still worked. Simpson swung the Magnemite over his shoulder, allowing it to connect with the patch. It was pitch dark, but Simpson believed he could see an outline of the mountain in the distance. He knew that if the others survived, they’d be heading there. Each step he took was excruciating. He managed to walk for a quarter mile, limping with every step, before finally collapsing under the strain.

“Oh God, I just can’t do it… I can’t walk…”

Simpson looked at his rifle, and for the briefest of moments, he contemplated turning it on himself. Though such thoughts were quickly abolished, as he turned his focus to sounds in the distance; high pitched screeches, and the shriek of claws against rock.

The source of the sounds suddenly became clear, as two winged Pokemon dashed into view. A tiny blue bat with pointed ears and purple wings was being chased by another creature, which was purple in color, and looked like a cross between a bat and scorpion. Simpson remained very still, hoping to let the battling Pokemon pass by without noticing him. They were fast, though he saw enough to try and identify them.

Right, it’s after dark now… ****, these must be the bats that stay in the cave during the daytime. That one’s a Zubat, but what’s the other one?

Magnemite let out a string of beeps, which it frequently did to notify that it had picked up a signal.

Hm? It seems to be recovering…

Simpson reached his hands over his shoulders to pluck the Pokemon from the magnetic patch, moving carefully and slowly as not to draw the combating Pokemon’s attention. He tried to send a message again on the newly discovered signal, though it was no good. Magnemite needed to strengthen the signal, or else the Morse code could not travel far enough to reach Headquarters. Its two magnets began rotating as it tried to bolster the radio waves.

Meanwhile, the wild Zubat was trying to fend off its attacker. It fluttered hectically, screeching out high-pitched cries at its opponent, who retaliated with a similar attack.

“Zuuuubbbbaaattt!” shrieked the Pokemon in a curdling tone.
“Gllliiiiigggggaaaaarrrr!” the other Pokemon Screeched as well.

Gligar? I’ve never heard of that species. Booker, I wish you were here right now…

The Screeches had a noticeable effect on Magnemite, whose large eye began twitching. Though neither Zubat nor Gligar meant to, their battle cries were interfering with Magnemite’s signal, halting it from establishing a connection. The Magnet Pokemon’s inner workings were being scrambled, causing it to emit its robotic sounds. This caught the attention of both Zubat and Gligar, who suddenly noticed both Magnemite and Simpson.

“Oh no,” the radioman said.

He frantically readied his rifle, only to realize he had never reloaded it. Zubat lunged at him, showing its petite, yet sharp fangs. Simpson, still sitting down and unable to move, could not load his weapon quickly enough to fend off the Zubat. Desperately, he swung the weapon in a wide sweeping motion, nailing the Pokemon and swatting it aside. Though he hadn’t a moment to spare, because Gligar was moving in for the attack before the radioman could even think about inserting a round into his rifle. The Pokemon brandished its large purple claws, threatening to Slash Simpson, who flipped the rifle around in his hands so that the butt faced Gligar. He bashed the Pokemon with the weapon’s wooden stock, only to feel a sudden, sharp pain on his neck; Zubat hat Bitten him. Simpson reached out and grabbed the tiny bat with his fist, and slammed it into the ground. He was being double teamed, with no time to reload his gun. When he focused on one, he’d be attacked by the other; he knew the wild Pokemon would ultimately kill him if things continued as they were.

“Magnemite! You’ve got to help me here, do something! Electrocute them!”

The Magnet Pokemon had not been sanctioned by the Johto Army for use in combat, though Simpson had no choice but to try and use it that way. Magnemite revealed itself to be a capable weapon, though, as sparks began emitting from its u-shaped magnets. Both magnets lunged forward, aiming at Zubat, as they fired off a weak Thundershock.

Zubat twitched from the surge of lightning, but it was too weak to knock it out. Magnemite let loose another Thundershock, this time on Gligar. Though Gligar, anticipating the Electric type attack, grounded itself immediately. The electricity traveled directly through Gligar and into the earth below, ultimately leaving the Pokemon unharmed. It raised its head slowly, brandished its claws, and began to move about in a rhythmic kind of dance. Although it wasn’t clear how, performing the Swords Dance seemed to make the wild Gligar stronger… It then lunged at Magnemite, Slashing at the steel orb with such vigor that it was generating sparks.

Magnemite had distracted the other two Pokemon long enough for Simpson to load his rifle. Unable to stand, and barely able to rotate left or right made aiming difficult. Gligar and Magnemite were both behind him, out of range. Though he could clearly see Zubat, hovering in front of him. Simpson pointed the rifle at the bat, pulled the trigger, and watched with anticipation.

He missed. Zubat had not fallen to the ground as he had hoped. The bat opened its mouth wide, showing four white fangs dripping with poison. It flew into Simpson, but was met with a gun-butt. The radioman had finally got the reloading motion down, easily sliding a bullet into the chamber of his rifle. He hurriedly aimed at Zubat, and before the twitchy Pokemon could get up off the ground, he shot it.

Though even the power of a man-made bullet had not killed the bat. It was left on the ground, futilely flapping its wings while bleeding profusely. Simpson reached into Sergeant Knapp’s ammo bag, but noticed there were only a few rounds left. Rather than wasting one on the Zubat, which was already fully disabled, he turned his full attention to Gligar.

Gligar was still raking its claws into Magnemite, despite the lack of noticeable damage being caused. Simpson struggled to turn himself around, as he’d lost all feeling in his legs by then. He was able to pivot his body ever so slightly, just far enough to aim his gun at Gligar. He shot the Pokemon, watching as it was knocked off of Magnemite. However, unlike Zubat, Gligar’s skin was thick. The bullet was far less effective on the flying scorpion.

Magnemite had understood that its electrical attacks could not affect the Gligar. It was capable of very few attacks that didn’t involve electricity, and thus its options were limited. It had to resort to releasing a Sonic Boom. Magnemite vibrated quickly before unleashing a shockwave, knocking Gligar on its back. Simpson quickly followed up by loading one of his last bullets into the rifle, and shooting it at the Pokemon. This time, the bullet hit one of its thin, blue wings, piercing straight through. Gligar, like Zubat, was now immobile.

The radioman could easily destroy both Pokemon, though he had begun to entertain a whole new idea. While feeling around for ammo in Sergeant Knapp’s bag, he found two white Apricorns. He wasn’t exactly sure how they worked, but figured it was worth trying to use them. Just the thought of how impressed the other Raiders would be was enough motivation to attempt the capture. Simpson threw an Apricorn at Zubat, and then at Gligar.

The white Apricorns shook back and forth, as they attempted to seal the Pokemon within…

It's Ready for Grading Now

Pokemon: Gligar & Zubat
Characters Needed: 15-30k
Characters Used: 20.5k
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Last edited by Moon Master; 05-31-2009 at 02:32 PM.
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Old 05-31-2009, 02:56 PM
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Default Re: The Magnetic Raiders

I'm gonna claim this. I should have a grade up by tomorrrow night at the latest.
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Old 06-06-2009, 03:33 AM
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Default Re: The Magnetic Raiders

Sorry I took so long. Anyway, here's your grade. Thanks for being so patient.


Introduction: You did pretty well here. First, you started off by telling us what the basic time period and plot was. Then, you began the actual story about your main characters, the Magnetic Raiders. You introduced the characters, what they were doing, and the setting. It gave me a good image of what was happening.

Plot: I liked this plot a lot. No one seems to mention any large scale conflict in the Pokemon world, so making your plot about a war between two nations is very creative. I liked how your plot revolved around one of the areas of warfare that isn’t written about often, recon. You managed to show how dangerous warfare can be, even for the recon team. Another thing I liked is how one of the members of the recon team had a Magnemite that was used to communicate with their base. This was very creative on your part; I would have imagined them using walkie-talkies instead.

However, there were some parts of your plot that I disliked. Even though you managed to include some action for the recon team, I would have liked to see a little bit of the actual war at some point. I would have also liked to have read more about how and why the conflict began in the first place. I know you kind of said how it started, but I would have liked to hear a more specific reason as to why they went to war because countries don’t just go to war every day. You also mentioned 250,000 missing or dead in your introduction and I would have liked to have read some mention about some of those losses. Something that seemed unrealistic to me was the fact that Simpson’s bullets sank into the mud when they fell out. It got me sort of confused. Wouldn’t Simpson sink into the mud too? I mean if his bullets were heavy enough to sink into the mud, then I would think that Simpson would sink too, but that’s just me nitpicking.

As a whole, your plot is one of the most creative plots I’ve read in a while. So, good job. I hope this turns into a series because I’m anxious to know what happens to Simpson.


Description:
You described most things pretty basically. You told us what Simpson and his Sergeant looked like. You also described what the attacks looked like as well as the Pokemon attacking the recon unit and the Pokemon attacking Simpson later on.

One thing that you didn’t describe was the Apricorn. Although, you mentioned what it was, I would have liked to know what they looked like and how exactly they worked. Also, you didn’t describe Magnemite, despite him having such a big role in the story. You didn’t describe some of the other characters you mentioned either, which kind of bugged me. To be honest, if you introduce a character, you should describe him/her so that the reader can have an idea of who he/she is. If you have a large group of people in your story and they all have some part in the story, then you should describe them because if you don’t your reader will most likely be confused. You also did not describe your surroundings as well as I would have liked you to.

Though you described the battle well, you can definitely improve. What you can improve on is the attacks. Try and describe them to the best of your ability. Describe how they are executed, how they look, and how the opponent is hurt by the attack.

For example: (Hydro Pump)

The stout Pokemon inhaled as fresh air filled his lungs and then opened his mouth, allowing a crystal clear stream of water erupt from his jaws. The water shot through the air so quickly that his opponent barely had time to blink before he was drenched by the attack, causing him to topple over onto the soft grass.

See? That would make a battle much better because it allows the reader to imagine exactly the same thing you were thinking when you wrote the story. Descriptions are usually difficult, but they are crucial to the story because they allow the reader to experience your story the way you want them to. If you describe it enough, the readers will have the exact mental image that you had when you wrote it. Also, try and describe things by using more of your senses like taste, smell, hear, and feel. This improves the story so much because it makes the imagery much more vivid.


Grammar: There weren’t many mistakes here, just a few things that I’d like to point out. While these sentences didn’t really make the story difficult to read, they confused me a bit when I read them.

Quote:
Such thoughts were quickly abolished, as he turned his focus to sounds in the distance, high pitched screeches, and the shriek of claws against rock.
This was kind of confusing. To make more sense, you can drop the word “though”. It makes more sense because as it is, the sentence is composed of three dependent clauses. So by taking away the word “though”, the first sentence becomes independent allowing the first part of the sentence to make sense because all dependent clauses must be accompanied by an independent clause. Then, you should change the semi colon to a comma. The comma between “screeches” and “and” is not necessary, so you can drop it.


Quote:
Though he hadn’t a moment to spare, because Gligar was moving in for the attack before the radioman could even think about inserting a round into his rifle.
This is the same kind of thing as the example above. You have two dependent clauses and no independent clauses. So, all you have to do is drop the word “though”.


Quote:
Though Gligar, anticipating the Electric type attack, grounded itself immediately.
You should drop the word “though”.


Quote:
Unable to stand, and barely able to rotate left or right made aiming difficult.
Add the word “Being” to the beginning of the sentence because it is a gerund, which is being used as noun in this case. This is necessary so that “Being unable to stand” is part of the compound sentence.


Quote:
Though he could clearly see Zubat, hovering in front of him.
You have two dependent clauses again. Just remove the word “though” and you’ll be fine.


Quote:
Though even the power of a man-made bullet had not killed the bat.
Same thing with this sentence. Just take away the word “though”.



Length: The length was fine for the two mons.

Battle: The battle was pretty good. Since your character only had one Pokemon, I’m glad you had your character fight too instead of having the hurt Magnemite miraculously beat the Gligar and Zubat. Also, you didn’t just shoot at the Pokemon, you hit them with the gun. The battle was two-sided which is something that is very important in a story because if the battle is one sided, it gets boring. I can’t complain about not using much of your surroundings because your character couldn’t move. Although I would have liked it to be longer, I know that since both Simpson and his Magnemite were injured, they weren’t going to last very long. Overall, the battle was pretty good for both mons.


Outcome: Well, the story was pretty good overall, but I can’t give you both Pokemon. So, I’m going to have to say, ONLY GLIGAR CAPTURED! If you want the Zubat, go back and add to the description. All you need to do is describe the people/Pokemon/things I told you to describe and describe Simpson’s surroundings.
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