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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-31-2009, 06:57 PM
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Default Night Crawler (Graded)

Night Crawler

By: Pokémon Partner
Deep within the Petallburg Wood on my way to Rustboro City to get my very first gym badge since receiving my Torchic from Professor Birch, back in my hometown of Littleroot. However, unable to see the sky through the tree branches and leaves that interweaved with each other as if they were blanketing the ground below, I have not been able to keep track of the time. Nevertheless, I still felt willing an able to catch any Pokémon that came my way as I quietly crept around the forest avoiding any the twigs and sticks that fell from the treetops above as the wind blew the cold air around Torchic and myself. Just then, we heard a rustling sound coming from behind us as we slowly turned our head and hoped that it was going to be a Pokémon. After waiting for what felt like forever, a red-orange wiggling Pokémon, eager to see what it was I quickly whipped out my Pokédex and after a series of quiet beeps it began to speak, “Wurmple the Worm Pokémon— It sticks to tree branches and eats leaves. The thread it spits from its mouth, which becomes gooey when it touches air, slows the movement of its foes.”
“Alright Torchic, use Ember!” I shouted. However, it was a little bit too loud as the tiny worm-like Pokémon heard me because as my orange bird-shaped Pokémon began to spew balls of fire from its beak it began to spray a thin, silk-like thread. Eventually, as the Pokédex stated, slowed down my poor Torchic and allowed the startled Wurmple time to escape as I rushed over to attempt to get the gooey string off, “Oh, I’m sorry, Torchic!” I began to say as I kept pulling out the goopy stuff of its feathers.
“Tor torchic tor,” Torchic told me once I got its beak free with a little bit of sadness.
“No, no, it was my fault,” I corrected, “I shouldn’t have yelled like I did, all I did was alert the Wurmple that I saw it,” but it didn’t take long before I got the string off of him and we began to argue about whose fault it was. However, one or both of us hotheads gave up and decided that we both were to blame and started to get up and roam the forest again. After what felt like several hours, I swore I saw the Wurmple again and told Torchic to use Ember in the area I though I noticed it, but it only resulted in a bush getting burnt and our search to be hampered as we hurriedly threw dirt onto it to put it out. Soon after the fire accident we noticed a little bit of a clearing and glanced up at the sky to see that was nighttime and had been for what appeared to be quite some time as I decided that we should stop our search for now and take some rest.
“Tor…” Torchic stated in agreement as I pulled out my only real camping supplies, a sleeping bag and a bunch of berries that my mom provided me before we left. We quietly ate the berries, gathered firewood, and made ourselves a little campfire as we started up at the sky making constellations from the stars.
“Look, that’s a Pikachu,” I stated before pointing to a set of stars that were shaped like Pikachu’s ears, but something seemed to have distracted Torchic.
“Torchic?” he asked before walking off.
“Hey, Torchic, what are you up to?” I asked, getting up from atop my sleeping bag to slowly just then I noticed what Torchic heard. Much to my extreme surprise it was the same Wurmple as before but this time because Torchic was just fine I was able to see that we did hit it as I noticed a blacken area near the right side of its tail as I gave the same command from before. However, this time I was able to control my volume and say it just loud enough so that only Torchic would be able to hear as my firebird leaped into the air and began to spit out fireballs from its beak. Luckily, the Wurmple was unable to respond as it became surrounded my Torchic’s Ember attack and eventually fainted. “Alright!” I shouted as I tossed a Pokéball from my belt which hit the Wurmple and encased it before long the Pokéball began to shake, beep, and flash before…
INFORMATION
Status: Completed
Goal: 3,000 to 5,000
Characters: 3,189
Target PKMN: Wurmple
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Last edited by Pokémon Partner; 06-01-2009 at 02:49 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-31-2009, 11:20 PM
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Default Re: Night Crawler (Need Grade)

Dibs, the Grade's already half finished.
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  #3  
Old 05-31-2009, 11:54 PM
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Default Re: Night Crawler (Need Grade)

Quote:
Originally Posted by U-B-3-R View Post
Dibs, the Grade's already half finished.
Thanks!
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  #4  
Old 06-01-2009, 02:42 AM
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Default Re: Night Crawler (Need Grade)

Plot: You had a very simple plot. Basically, you had one guy walking along your primary setting, and then he meets a Pokemon and catches it. Well, that's what you usually get from most beginning writers. It means that a rudimentary plot like this is expected from you, and you won't be marked down for it. However, there are much better alternatives - this simple plot is perhaps the worst plot possible. Don't feel downed though - at this level, it's acceptable. However, a good plot should be unpredictable, yet have good chemistry. For now, you can take a Pass, but only because this is an 'Easiest' ranked Pokemon and because this is your first story - don't try this plot again because it won't end well for you.

Introduction: A nice and quick setting description and charcter background, then you kicked the reader into your story. That's better than what I usually see from beginning writers, true that. However, you were lacking a visual description of your character and Torchic, and your character's name. Those three are incredibly important things in a story, otherwise we can't picture the story in our minds correctly as we should be able to. Still, I think you're deserving of a Borderline Pass - you are above par, that's for sure.

Length: Pass.

Grammar: You have pretty clean grammar - I'm impressed. There were things that bugged me, though, most of which were typos. Since there were only a few, I'll give you a Pass. Good job here. Just make sure to proofread if you don't already. :o

Description: Your descriptions were good, but they were, unfortunately, rare. You must remember to describe all the little details while keeping your reader entranced and not overdoing it. You wouldn't want a bland story without any descriptions, but you wouldn't want a story that's 75% descriptions, either. :s Balance is nice, but you didn't have that. You had maybe a fifth of the story described? Just an estimate, but whatever, I'm quite sure I got my point across. @_@ I think I'll give you a Borderline Fail here. D: Remember to describe everything of importance, and even some of the things that aren't important. :o

Battle: This was short, and that's really not a good thing. There were only two attacks used in this battle, and that's not good at all. The longer the battle, the better. However, this is a Wurmple, so it's understandable that you had a short battle - Wurmple has so few moves to create a decent battle with. However, remember that Pokemon can also fight without using a Pokemon attack. You could have had the Wurmple tackle Torchic even though Wurmple doesn't learn the Pokemon move Tackle because physically, it's a possible thing.

You've probably watched an action movie, or watched an episode of Pokemon before. Usually, the main battle, or the climax, is at the end. Sometimes there are other battles as well, but the main one is at the end. Your one and only battle (obviously your climax) was in the beginning half of your story. That's not good, either. However, I did like how you used String Shot over Poison Sting - most writers would've picked Poison Sting rather than String Shot in that scenario because it deals damage and all String Shot does in the game is reduce Speed. While it did reduce Torchic's Speed in the battle, you also gave it an additional effect - the kind you'd see in the anime. That's good for you as a writer, and if you keep that up, it could turn out well.

I'm sorry, but I still have to Fail you despite your move selection - blame it on my Grader's instinct. XP

Outcome: For your first story ever (in the URPG) this was better than what I get out of most first time writers - good job. Wurmple Captured! Enjoy the bug, and take advantage of everything I mentioned in this Grade. Perhaps edit all the advice into The Munchlax Mystery story I see you're writing. :o I'll probably Grade that too, if exams aren't coming any time soon.
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  #5  
Old 06-01-2009, 03:09 AM
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Default Re: Night Crawler (Need Grade)

Thank you for your grade, and I'll try my best to keep that in mind while I'm working on my second story.
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