Poochyena Problems (CAUGHT) [NWC]

[Pokémon Partner]

Story By: Pokémon Partner
Banner By: White Wolf of the Snow

Markus, a young boy wearing a dark red cap over brown hair, a black and red vest with a Zigzagoon-like pattern, tied together with a pair of black shorts and shoes was walking the road heading north from his hometown of Littleroot Town. Next to him a blue Mudkip with orange spiky checks and light gray belly and fin was hopping along side him while looking around at the blue, cloud free skies, dark green grass, and feeling the gentle breeze of the air silently moving around them. Along the road north, they saw many Pokémon; most of them were a brown and white Zigzagoon, an orange Wurmple, or a dark gray Poochyena each one playing around with each other and before long the new Trainer began to fell upset and sat down on a rock, setting his elbows on his knee and sighed. “You know what, Mudkip,” Markus began to say, “I only left home maybe 4 hours ago, and I’m already missing it. I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge, anymore.”

“Mud kip?” the Mudkip asked, tilting its head to the left and then the right, as if trying to figure out what Markus was trying to say before jumping up on his lap and rubbing her face into his chest, as if it finally figured out what the greenhorn Trainer was saying. Just then, Markus picked up the Mudkip, stood up, and gave her a rather large hug before placing her on the ground.

“Thank you, Mudkip,” Markus stated walking and exclaiming, “Come on! Let’s go to the Oldale Town, Mudkip!” and with that the pair took off north once again, seeing more and more Pokémon playing around and moving around, but something seemed to be bothering Mudkip as its fin began to wiggle while it looked around before dashing off to the east.

“Mud! Mudkip kip!” she exclaimed before Markus followed her as they eventually meet up with a Poochyena who appeared to be inside of a hole as only its ears could be seen as it gave a growl before letting out a little bit of a bark.

“Don’t worry, little guy,” Markus stated before getting on his belly, “Hold on to me, and I’ll get you out,” but the scared Poochyena didn’t seem to trust Markus as it responded by growling and moved backward while keeping it’s left front leg off of the ground, “Hey, come on now, you’re hurt.”

“Mudkip kip mudkip,” aided Markus’s Pokémon in an effort to get the scared, and possibly hurt, Poochyena to come closer to them with little success, “Mud! Mudkip kip!” she still tried her best to help Markus only have it growl and bark back with a suddenly ferocious tone of voice as if it didn’t trust the two of them.

“Whoa! Whoa! Cool it, you’re hurt!” Markus stated before reaching his arm in, which was a fool’s mistake because it responded by chomping down on it out fear and it only made things worse when he shouted, “What was that for?! Can’t you see that I’m hear to save you, now please listen to me?” However, the yelling used to the situation to become even worse than before as the Poochyena let out a huge howl causing all of the nearby Pokémon to scatter off in a various direction before a group of five Mightyena leaped from out of nowhere. Before long the group began to surround the hole, Markus, and his Mudkip, all of them growling and looking ready to protect what was most likely a young member of their pack by anyway necessary. Suddenly the Mudkip began to shoot streams of water at all of the large, black, growling canine Pokémon only which only resulted in them become progressively angrier and ram themselves into the tiny swamp Pokémon as if it was nothing more than a tiny speck of dirt that got in their way.

“Muuuuuuudkiiiiiiiiip!” the little blue creature exclaimed as it flew through the air as if she was a Pidgey while Markus began to chase underneath her in an effort to catch only to trip over a rock and have the Mightyena came closer to him, showing their teeth, and growling.

“Listen, I’m just trying to help your pup, I don’t know what happened, but it’s hurt. Can’t you see that?!” Markus shouted to no effect, “Please, let me help him, I promise that I won’t hurt him anymore than what he already is!” Just then, as if to confirm what he just said the scared and hurt Poochyena let out a little a whine as he attempted to see up and over the top of the hole and the Mightyena began to turn towards the hole. Although it seemed as if the group of Pokémon were talking in some sort of language understood only to them it meaning of it was perfectly clear; the Poochyena was scared about falling in the hole and then having the human come only made it more scared. The conversation seemed to have responded for several moments and ending with the group of now tranquil Mightyena splitting and allowing for Markus, who was getting himself and his Mudkip up and on their feet, to pick the Poochyena out of the hole and examine him. However, when Markus moved its paw up to see better the puppy let out a small cry to which the Mightyena growled back, but didn’t nothing else as Markus loaded the dog onto his back and started to rush north towards Oldale Town with his Mudkip and the Mightyena following. Although the sun was setting, the Pokémon Center was still open and when Nurse Joy saw Markus, Mudkip, and lastly the Poochyena, she instantly rushed the pair of Pokémon to the emergency room. Meanwhile, Markus went outside to see that the Mightyena where still there, “It’s going to be okay, Nurse Joy will take care of everything, you can sleep if you want to.”

“Mighty?” one of them asked, “Ena?”

“Okay, listen,” began Markus once again, “You see this place is called a Pokémon Center people take you guys that are hurt and then they come out perfectly A-OK.” However, the Mightyena still didn’t seem to understand what he was saying as Markus attempted to explain once again to only to get no understanding by the pack of wolf-like Pokémon as he sighed and entered the Center once again to notice that the Emergency Room light was off and Nurse Joy came out.

“It’s a good thing you brought him over here,” she stated, “His paw was badly hurt, but now all he needs is a good night sleep.”

“And my Mudkip?” he asked.

“She’s perfectly okay, just a set of bumps and bruises, all that’s needed is a little rest for her as well.”

“That good,” Markus stated as he was heading outside, “I’ll be outside with the Poochyena’s pack to explain how he’s doing.” Once outside the Mightyena group growled once again and Markus cleared his throat before saying, “All that your little friend need is some rest, and I’ll stay out here with you until he’s okay,” while setting out a sleeping bag on a wooden bench to head to sleep. Just then, the Mightyena started to group around Markus and the group fell asleep until the next day when Nurse Joy with Mudkip and Poochyena right behind her awakened them.

“Markus?” asked Nurse Joy as he sat up and yawned, “Mudkip and Poochyena are now in perfect health.” Just then, Mudkip jumped up into his lap and appeared started to rub her fin into him before the Poochyena leaped up, starting to do the same thing before going back to the ground and talking to its pack again. Once again, nobody was able to understand what the pack were saying until he jumped playfully on Markus and began to lick his face.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Markus told the dog before breaking out into a bit of laughter, “Cut that out, I know your glad, but…” However, Nurse Joy cut him with a sudden burst of laughter and cheer to her voice as well.

“Looks like he’s grown quite fond of you for taking care of him,” she explained while handing him a Pokéball, “As a Trainer, I’m sure you know what you need to do, right?” Markus nodded and then took the ball before turning to the Poochyena who sniffed the ball, gave a bark, and then leaped to the floor.

“Okay, would you like to join Mudkip and I?” Markus asked only to get a playful growl from the Poochyena, “I’ll take that as I yes, so Mudkip get out there!”

“Mudkip!” she exclaimed before jumping in front of him with Markus right behind her, only to have Poochyena speed up and whack her backwards several yard, causing Markus to jump out of the way.

“We’re not going to take that, are we Mudkip!?” Markus shouted, “Hit him back with water gun!” with that she lunched a large stream of water from her mouth aimed right at the Poochyena who went flying backward, but dug his heals into the ground before letting out a Howl and charging at Mudkip with even more power than before causing Mudkip to fly off some distance. Luckily, she still want to fight as Markus shouted out, “Alright use Tackle!” and came running up to the Mightyena only to have him leap out of the way at the last second and then jump and latch itself onto her fin.

“Muuuuudkiiiiiiiiiiiip!” the poor Mudkip shouted sounding like a siren while running around in a circle and shaking her head to try to him off of her.

“Come on, Mudkip!” Markus shouted before the Poochyena seemed to be getting dizzy and released it grip and jump off, “Alright, Mudkip, one last time, use Water Gun!” Just as soon as Markus finished shouting out the command, Mudkip released a massive blast of water which appeared like it was coming from a fire hose, right at the Poochyena causing him to fly backwards in to the building, slid down the wall, and fall to the ground. “All right Pokéball, let’s go!” was all that Markus roared as he threw the Ball toward the Poochyena and it bounced off of him into the air. The rest of the action happened in less than second as the ball shot out a red stream off light that engulfed him, and then began to wiggle and shake in place while beeping and flashing before […]

STORY INFORMATION

Status: Complete
Goal: 5,000 to 10,000
Characters to Post: 7,841
Target PKMN: Poochyena
Contest Entered: New Writers' Competition '09

[Nitro]

Sorry for taking so long to get the Grade so long, my life's been going crazy recently. @_@

Plot: Your plotline was better than the rudimentary one of the last story of yours that I Graded - but that's not saying it was the best you could have done, either. Your plot could've been MUCH better, as far as I'm concerned - your plot bored me a little as I read it. Ideally, a good plot should contain unexpected bits, action-filled parts/suspense (depends on the type of story), creative, and of course likeable by many different readers with different tastes in stories. However, you're improving at your own rate - I can understand that. I'm not asking you to improve faster, but I'm helping you to guide you in the right way, mmk? It's important for one to develop at one's own pace, so yeah. Don't think I'm pushing you or anything. :X

Borderline Pass only because it's a Poochyena and not a Porygon or anything. xD

Introduction: Introductions are generally used to hook a reader deeper into your story and to describe your characters. You gave us a decent introduction of your characters and the setting. However, it didn't really hook me in as a reader. A hook is used to make the reader actually want to read your story, as opposed to him/her clicking the 'Back' button on the browser. To help you with that, think about what makes you want to read a story. When reading a book, do you like the beginning to be eventful and action-filled, or do you like it when the beginning is mysterious and makes you wonder about what happens later on? Try incorporating the one you prefer into your story if it fits the plotline. :o

Pass anyways because of your rather impressive character description.

Length: Pass.

Grammar: You had a few typos in addition to the following (more important, might I add) errors.

Markus, a young boy wearing a dark red cap over brown hair, a black and red vest with a Zigzagoon-like pattern, tied together with a pair of black shorts and shoes was walking the road heading north from his hometown of Littleroot Town.

The first half of this sentence was a little odd... Replace the second comma with an 'and' and move the third comma in front of 'together'. Commas can really mess up writers, I suggest looking at the comma tutorial in the <<How To Write Stories>> thread - it made me the great comma person I am today. Bear in mind you made a few other comma mistakes, too, but only a few.

Along the road north, they saw many Pokémon; most of them were a brown and white Zigzagoon, an orange Wurmple, or a dark gray Poochyena each one playing around with each other and before long the new Trainer began to fell upset and sat down on a rock, setting his elbows on his knee and sighed.

You're talking about many Pokemon, yet you say 'a' before the Pokemon name, making it sound as if there are only one of them. That's false, so your sentence now conflicts with itself. So get rid of the a/ans before the colours of the Pokemon, and then you'd be alright in this sentence.

However, when Markus moved its paw up to see better the puppy let out a small cry to which the Mightyena growled back, but didn’t nothing else as Markus loaded the dog onto his back and started to rush north towards Oldale Town with his Mudkip and the Mightyena following.

You're missing a comma in between 'better' and 'the', but that isn't the only reason why I highlighted this sentence - if it was, I would've also added the other comma mistakes you made. You're also missing a word in between 'didn't' and 'nothing'. I assume that it's 'do', in which case you would have double negatives, which are two words that were put to object to a sentence's meaning but instead cross each other out. For example:

John didn't do nothing.

The double negatives are there (didn't and nothing), so in the end the sentence means that John did something. You see what I'm getting at now? ^_^;

“Cut that out, I know your glad, but…”

You made the always common "your-you're" mistake. D:

your = a word that shows posession
you're = you are

“Hit him back with water gun!”

"Water Gun" need to be capitalized because it's the name of an attack, and names need to be capitalized because they are proper nouns. This is probably a typo because you capitalized Howl and Tackle, but I'm not taking any chances. :s

In addition to the small amount of typos and comma mistakes made, the total amount of mistakes is over the limit in my opinion. Fail. D: Remember anything I said earlier during proofreading, and it should settle to become something your brain will automatically do sooner or later.

Description: You described mostly everything very well for a Pokemon of this level. However, there were quite a lot of things you could improve upon. You told us what everything looked like, but there was no flavor to your words - it was all very bland. Try to spice up things when you describe them. Use similies, metaphors, etc. to add your own personal flair to your descriptions. I'll give you an example of how to describe something with flavor as opposed to the opposite.

Jane's hair was black.

It's a description, but it's boring! Now, how about this:

Jane's silky hair was a deep black that calmed my senses, yet made my pulse quicken - all I wanted to do was to touch her hair and rub it against my face.

You probably like the second one as a description better even though they both carry the same meaning. Of course, that's natural - the latter is more poetic, and that's how descriptions should be, in my opinion. They should come from the heart because that way, there's more meaning to them.

Now, you might feel that the entire Description section was me telling you how to improve (which is almost true), which would make you feel a little unsure of your descriptions. But, go look at the very first sentence of this section, then come back to read the last sentence of this section which follows this sentence - it should clarify everything. Pass.

Battle: Like in the last story of yours I Graded, this is where you did the worst. Your battle was short, and not all that eventful. Before, I understood since there wasn't much moves to use, though there were ways to improve - some of which I mentioned. This time, however, your target had a larger repertoire of moves to use, so you don't have that excuse this time. :s And then you haven't made your battle all that two-sided, either. It was quite obvious Mudkip had the upper hand - you need to make it fair for both sides to make your battle more exciting and realistic. I won't say anything more bad things about your battle because I want you to improve on what I pointed out already. All that's left of this section is whether you Passed or Failed, and that's more or less obvious at this point. Fail. I'm sorry, if that helps. D:

Outcome: Your pride might be scratched from failing the Battle so bad, but no need to worry, I'm more than satisfied with the overall story. Poochyena Captured!

[Pokémon Partner]

Thanks, I'll try to keep that in mind as I'm making my stories. Oh, you did notice that this is intended to be in the NWC, right? As for my proofreading and such I think it's that I just press the [F7] button and call it good

[Galleon]

This freaking story has freaking been freaking graded freaking.

FREAKING.