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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 06-18-2009, 08:10 PM
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Default The Dream {ready for grade!}

The Dream
Pokemon going for: Vulpix (Shiny)
Required count: 10,000 - 20,000
Current count: 13,095

------------------------------------

“Hey, Faye, wanna go swimming with me?” asked a small creature, tilting its head to the side.

“No, not really.” came the reply, from yet another creature.

Two Pokémon stood underneath the shade of a tree. The tree had rough bark, with deep incisions from past residents, and long, droopy branches with leaves that scraped the ground. However, the tree provided great shade for those in need of it. And indeed, the Pokémon needed the shade. The sun outside was bright, and it shone down on the small clearing. It was burning up, the air outside was stuffy, and the tree provided some shade. What more could you want besides icy cold water to chill you off?

The first Pokémon, who had given the invitation, was brown, with cat-like features. Its ears were large, and a darker brown in the inside. It had a cream colored ruff around its neck, that was fluffy, and no doubt hot. It had a fluffy tail as well, that it curled daintily around its paws. It was an Eevee, while the second Pokémon was a Vulpix. The Vulpix was a pale yellow, with a light orange tuft of hair on its head. Six orange tails sprouted from its rump, and its paws were dipped in a sickly looking green. Its belly and chest were a pale cream, and its eyes were bright green.

The Eevee rolled his eyes. “Why not?” he asked. “It’s really hot, and I think that you would like to cool off, too.”

“Remind me again, Jayi, why I’m your friend.” snorted the Vulpix, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, Faye, you know that you secretly love having me around.”

“Nope.”

The Eevee frowned, and shook his head. “I’m going swimming, and if you want to come, you’re free to.”

With that, Jayi turned and slipped away into the tall grass, leaving Faye alone. The Vulpix sighed, shrugged, and began to make circles. Soon, after she had made about five rounds on the grass, she plopped down, resting her head on her paws. She was burning up…and the water would be nice…No. She couldn’t. ‘I have to prove my point. I don’t need Jayi.’ she thought, looking towards the lake out of the corner of her eye. ‘Besides, it’s probably really crowded.’

She let her eyelids close, but she knew that it was too hot for a nap. Sighing heavily, the Vulpix stood up and padded out from underneath the shade of the tree. She scanned the clearing for the lake, and to her surprise, only Jayi was swimming in it. He paddled strongly, occasionally diving underneath the surface. The water droplets that were splattered every which way when Jayi shook his head struck Faye’s ear. That ear twitched as the drop of liquid rushed down the rim of it. It was a cool sensation, banishing all of the heat for half of a second.

Faye lost all of her senses of trying to prove a point, and rushed across the grass towards the water. She charged into it, gasping as the icy liquid rushed over her. She smiled with contentment as she was instantly cooled. Jayi, seeing her rush towards the small lake, laughed.

“I see you changed your mind?” Jayi called.

Faye didn’t respond, she just spit out a stream of water.

“You did, didn’t you? So I was right all along!” Jayi laughed at the last statement, and splashed water Faye’s way.

“Jayi!” And then the water fight began.

***

Faye squirmed, blinking awake. Her sensitive ears had not only picked up Jayi’s loud snoring, but a loud rustling noise. The Vulpix stood up, instantly alert, and peered out into the darkness. Jayi didn’t stir, however, despite the loud swish that was getting louder by the minute.

Faye listened. The sounds of the movements had pauses in between them, which suggested that, whatever it was, was moving, then pausing to listen. An ambush? Faye let a low growl rumble in her throat. Whatever it was stopped, and Faye tasted the air.

A strong, sour scent hit the roof of her mouth, and she recoiled. She could tell that it was a dark type, and that it was male and an adult. Just as she was pondering whether to wake Jayi or not, the Pokémon in the darkness stepped out. He was like a ball of dark purple, with sharp spikes on his back. His arms were short, as well as his legs, and his eyes were a blood red. Faye recognized this Pokémon as a Gengar, a treacherous dark type that normally reeked havoc on the forest dwellers.

“Get out of here!” snarled Faye, backing up against the trunk of the tree that her and her companion usually slept under.

“Ahh…Vulpix angry…But I not leave…I claim lake…” grumbled the Gengar.

“No!” shrieked Faye. “You’ll have to take that up with me and the rest of us.”

Gengar narrowed his eyes. “No. I get lake now.”

With that, the Gengar raised his two stubby arms. They began to glow a dark purple, and soon a giant ball of shadow matter had formed. The Gengar stuck his tongue out, and the ball shot across the short span of space between the two. It struck Faye in the stomach, as she rose to meet it. She was knocked against the tree, but rose herself up again.

“Get…out…of here!” she snarled, feeling hot anger boil inside of her. Feeling an Ember attack sting the sides of her throat, she opened her mouth, and it shot out, hurtling across the clearing before the Gengar could think. It knocked into him, and he stumbled backwards for a moment.

“Good night, Vulpix!” he cackled evilly as he stared deeply into her eyes. He moved his pupils left to right, and back again. Hypnosis. He was putting Faye to sleep!

The fox-like Pokémon swayed as the Gengar’s eyes rocked back and forth. Soon, she tumbled to the ground, fast asleep. A loud snore erupted from her open mouth, and her legs twitched. Gengar grinned, cast the Nightmare spell on her, and took off into the night, leaving the Vulpix to sleep.

***

Faye looked around. It was an odd place to be, where she was. Here there were hedges that reached as tall as the sky, and the dirt underneath her paws was packed hard and was ice cold to the touch. There were thick, dark green vines of ivy that crawled up the hedges. The clouds lay thick in the sky, as if it was going to rain. A heavy mist swirled around the Vulpix’s feet, and she frowned.

“What is this place?” Faye thought aloud, thinking hard. She didn’t remember ever being here, and she could hardly remember where she was last…

Faye decided to walk. Maybe she might find out what this place was if she explored. So, with that, she began to travel forward. There was no left or right, and she thought that heading south wouldn’t help. At first, the scenery didn’t change at all, and then the hedges began to get darker. It was confusing. Why were they getting so dark they had become black? And suddenly, a loud screech made her look up.

A shadow passed through the clouds, wings spread out, gliding on the chilly wind. However, the clouds were so thick Faye couldn’t make out what had flown over her head. As the bird passed, and the howling wind had died down, silence lay thick over the air once again. Faye looked towards the hedges, and to her surprise, red liquid had begun to seep through the leaves. With every leaf it passed, the leaf fell off, fluttering to the ground.

Faye gasped as the red liquid pooled beneath her feet. It was sticky, and it reeked of…blood? Eyes widening, she watched as more gushed from in between the hedges. Soon, all of the leaves had rotted away, and she could only see bare, dying branches. She could also see to another path, but nothing was there. It looked exactly like hers did, except for the fact that she wasn’t there.

Faye stumbled backwards, unsure of what to do. She didn’t know where she was, what she was doing here, and why blood had randomly started gushing through the hedges that grew dark in color. She stumbled along, the sticky liquid tripping her every step of the way. She traveled on and on, even as the sky grew dark, but nothing ever changed. Soon, worn from walking so long, she flopped down, and her eyes slowly closed…

“Faye! Faye, get up!” shrieked a voice in utter panic.

Faye’s eyes shot open, but the voice did not call out again, and she fell back into a restless sleep.

***

“It really kills me that someone set fire to this place. It was such a gorgeous forest. I’m glad that most of the Pokémon have been saved.” came a low, rumbling voice.

“Well…not every Pokémon, sir. There was still a Vulpix sleeping on the ground when we came in. We don’t know any of her injuries, or if she’s dead…” came a response. This voice was timid and quiet.

“Where is it?” came the louder, stronger voice.

“Here, sir.”

Faye felt herself being lifted. She felt awful. She couldn’t get her eyelids to open. Faye just wanted to sleep, but she obviously wouldn’t get the chance. ‘Wait a minute…’ she thought. ‘Why are there human voices? I was sleeping? What?’

Faye forced her eyelids to open. The forest that she had known only days before had been scorched thoroughly. The trees were black, the grass was gone, and the lake had dried up for the most part. What had happened here? Whatever had, it had been terrible, and her beloved forest was gone.

She trembled as she was handed from one man to the other.

“She’s alive. Her eyes are open.” came the first voice.

“Yes, sir. I’ll go and look to see if she had any companions.” replied the quieter voice, and there was a loud rustling as he walked away.

Faye closed her eyes, not wanting to see the horrible destruction done to her home. The louder man, whom she began to refer to as Sir, stroked her head softly. She closed her eyes more tightly. Disgusting! She was being touched by a human.

“Hmm…shiny Vulpix…I think my daughter would like you.”

***

“Aww…daddy! Thank you! She’s adorable!” came a bright, cheery voice.

Faye awoke to this voice. She had been sleeping as the father carried her home to his young daughter, who was just starting her Pokémon journey. Faye managed to pry her eyelids open, and she looked around. She was in a box of some sort. The walls of this box were blue, with fuzzy puff balls scattered everywhere around the room. A Vaporeon slept on one, like it was a bed or chair of some sort. There was a small box that flashed brightly colored pictures, and a giant structure with linen blankets and pillows on it. A clock sat on a desk next to the structure, which Faye recognized as a bed. Giant rugs covered the wooden floor for the most part, and on the west wall was another desk with drawers and a mirror. Lastly, there was the door, which Faye had just entered through.

A short girl stood in front of her. She had curly brown hair that was set back by a headband of some sort. She wore a t-shirt and shorts, and her feet were bare. She looked very simple. Faye wrinkled her nose. The Vaporeon charged up to sit beside the girl, glaring at the Vulpix, utter disgust clouding its eyes.

Sir set Faye down, and the Vulpix instantly made a run for the bed. If she could squeeze in that tiny space beneath it…

Before she could make it, however, the Vaporeon sprayed a Water Gun straight at her. Faye shrieked as the water splashed over her, slowing her down.

“No, no.” said the girl, picking Faye up. She smiled. “I’m Saturn. And you’re Zuma.”

Zuma? Faye shook her head, but the girl named Saturn nodded. “Right, Zuma, you’re gonna be mine now. All I have to do is defeat you in battle.”

Faye frowned. She didn't want to battle, so why should she be forced to? Before she knew it, though, the girl named Saturn had carried her through the door and out of the house, her Vaporeon hard on her heels. She set Faye down, and walked across the big expanse of yard they had. The grass underneath Faye's paws was soft, and tall, scorched trees rose on the west side. There were roads on the north and south, and the house was on the east side.

"Jupiter, Hydro Pump!" shouted Saturn. She obviously wanted to get the battle over quickly.

Faye braced herself as the Vaporeon opened its mouth. A gurgling sound came from the back of its throat, and a distorted call of "Pooor!" erupted through the air along with the giant stream of water, which was headed straight towards Faye. The Vulpix was agile, however, and managed to dodge the attack by just a little.

It was Faye's turn. She knew that fire type attacks wouldn't work, so she locked her eyes on Jupiter. He turned to look at her, and her eyes flashed brightly. The Vaporeon stumbled backwards, disoriented. He was now confused, due to the Confuse Ray his opponent had chosen to hit him with.

"Jupiter, use Hydro Pump again!" came the command of the Vaporeon's trainer.

The Vaporeon braced itself, legs apart, head forward, and opened its mouth once again.

"Pooor!" it shrieked, its voice vibrating as the water shot across the clearing.

It knocked straight into Faye, who howled as the liquid rushed over her. It wasn't like the lake at all - the water hurt. It knocked the breath out of her, and she swooned, then fell flat on her face. She heard Saturn shout with triumph, and something like plastic bounced at Faye's feet. A Poké ball. It produced a red light, which sucked the injured Pokémon inside.

And the Vaporeon and Saturn watched as the Poké ball sucked up the Vulpix. The Poké ball rocked back and forth, back and forth…
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Last edited by Saturn; 06-19-2009 at 02:22 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-29-2009, 08:18 PM
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Default Re: The Dream {ready for grade!}

-_- Man, I gotta stop saying I’ll have Grades done in a week and then taking like, a freaking year to do them XD. With that said, sorry it took so long to get this up.

Introduction: Laid-back and easy-going, to me this seems to catch the readers’ attention just because it’s kind of cute (even though it’s a somewhat common opening). I honestly don’t have anything else to say, so let’s move on to the next section ^^’.

Plot: It’s definitely not your average “Trainer goes into random woods/forest/mountain/plains/cave/wherever and finds random Pokemon and randomly battles it” plot. The way Saturn is present with Faye is pretty neat, and I don’t think I’ve quite seen anything like it. One thing I wanna point out is the fact that you don’t really tell us exactly how the forest burned down, though most people (myself included) will assume it was Faye’s Ember attack. Instead of leaving your readers wondering, it’s better to clarify such things. Unless, of course, you’re gonna continue the story and reveal this particular item later. Oh, and a quick note: Gengar is actually Ghost/Poison typed, not Dark ^^.

I also just wanna say I like how Faye wasn’t inherently weak to water. Normally people have it so types weak to water hate it and can’t stand being submersed in it or anything like that. So it’s a nice twist to see a different take on this sort of thing.

Length: A little over 13k is perfect for a little firefox ^^.

Detail: You did a good job for the most part, including a variety of sensory details and such. However, you didn’t really describe the forest in a way that tells us the setting is indeed a forest. I thought this opened in a field somewhere, or maybe a plain or something. You don’t have to outright say in the first sentence where the setting is, but you should make a mention of it at some point, and you should describe the surroundings in a manner that reflects where you are. If you’re in a forest, unless you’re in a clearing, the sun doesn’t much get through the canopy in most places. There’re all sorts of undergrowth and plant life among the trees, vines, giant logs made from fallen trees, that sort of thing. Sometimes, if you don’t really know what a terrain looks like (or any place, for that matter), a good thing to do is get pictures of that place. If you want to get a good idea of what a forest looks like, look up forests online or get a book on them. You can do that for animals, people, plants, and other such things too.

Anyways, good job overall :P.

Grammar/Spelling: I only really noticed one recurring problem, which is listed below along with another thing I want to point out:

Quote:
“No, not really.” came the reply, from yet another creature.
~This is the first thing I spotted. You used a period instead of a comma to end your dialogue, even though the sentence hadn’t ended with the dialogue. You don’t use a period unless the sentence actually ends with the dialogue. How do you tell when a sentence ends with dialogue, though, or when it ends with text? A good idea is to read the sentence in question out loud. There are difference between pauses (where you’d put a comma, for example) and a hard stop (the end of a sentence). Read a few sentences that have commas in them and you’ll come to hear the difference. You can use this when deciding when to use a period or a comma at the end of dialogue. If dialogue ends in a pause, use a comma. If it ends in a hard stop, use a period. Of course, this won’t always work, but hopefully when you come into these tougher situations you’ll have a better idea of how to work them out. If you’re confused or just don’t get it, feel free to IM me (TTar Trainer via AIM) or PM me and we’ll go over it more.

Quote:
Her sensitive ears had not only picked up Jayi’s loud snoring, but a loud rustling noise. The Vulpix stood up, instantly alert, and peered out into the darkness. Jayi didn’t stir, however, despite the loud swish that was getting louder by the minute.
~You want to avoid using the same adjective (modifying word) several times in one paragraph and especially within the same sentence. It’s redundant and can give the impression that the author is lazy (even if they aren’t). The answer to this is a good thesaurus, either in the form of a book, website, or program. I personally don’t rely too heavily on Microsoft Word’s thesaurus because it usually gives a limited, bland selection of words. I use a computer program called iFinger, or the Thesaurus option at www.dictionary.com, when I need to find a good, solid replacement word. For “loud”, my software suggests things like “noisy”, “insistent”, and “thundering”. By changing “thundering” to “thunderous”, we can reduce the number of times “loud” is used to one:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
Her sensitive ears had not only picked up Jayi’s thunderous snoring, but a noisy rustling sound. The Vulpix stood up, instantly alert, and peered out into the darkness. Jayi didn’t stir, however, despite the insistent swish that was getting louder by the minute.
Okay, we technically used “louder”, but that’s besides the point lol. When you use a wide variety of adjectives and adverbs and such, it makes things more interesting and keeps them from being boring. This could have gone under the Detail section, too, but I think it fits better here.

So, I think this is pretty clean. Good job; it’s what I like to see 8D.

Battle: Meh, this could have used a little work. Out of both battles, Faye only employed two attacks. Perhaps, for the first battle, she could have used Imprison on Gengar to keep it from using Hypnosis. For the second battle, maybe Vaporeon could have damaged itself in its confusion, giving Faye enough time to attack. For a Medium Pokemon, Faye should have used at least four different attacks. Also keep in mind the environment, since working your surroundings into the story can help lengthen it and make it more interesting.

Outcome: The battle was a bit lacking, but overall the story was pretty good. With all that out of the way, Vulpix Captured! Have fun with you new fire-breathing fox thingy lol.
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Last edited by Dog of Hellsing; 06-29-2009 at 08:22 PM.
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