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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 06-05-2009, 04:50 AM
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Default Mystery at Karp Lake [Section 1: BEING GRADED]

Story By: Pokémon Partner
Banner By: Eeveedude

Part One

As I looked around, I noticed that the sun began to rise over a Magikarp-shaped lake, simply named Karp Lake, showing a little bit of yellow-orange with a hint of pink over the eastern horizon. Meanwhile, the calls of Pidgey, Spearow, and Taillow began to ring out in the breeze as the gently moved across the surface of the lake, causing extremely small ripples to race along the surface of the water. “C’mon where is she?” I thought to myself while getting what little bit of my black hair that dropped down in front of my face out of my eyes as I knelled down beside it and started to use the reflection of the water as a mirror I began to shuffle around my standard-issued red and yellow vest in an attempt to hide my white shirt which felt like it was made for somebody smaller than I was. I got up from the ground and started to adjust my pair of gray shorts that also felt a few sizes to small when, suddenly, I heard a female’s voice.

“How are you doing, Brendan?” the voice asked before I sighed and turned to see who it was, my best friend and my partner for our operation, Marina, who was wearing the same exact thing that I except she has golden shoulder-length hair.

“About time you showed up!” I shouted back only to shake my head and get the hair back in my eyes before I shoved it back, “Okay, we need to figure out why the Magikarp aren’t coming here…don’t we?”

She nodded before continuing with what I was saying, “Yeah, we should have at least 50 Magikarp here right now, it’s the start of their breeding season.” Just then, she had a light in here eyes that hinted that she about to tell me some facts that she felt would be interesting for me to know as she asked, “Do you know why this lake is so popular for breeding Magikarp?”

“No,” I stated, “However, don’t you think we should focus on what’s making it not popular right now?”

She looked at little red in the checks as she covered her face before responding, “Well, I guess you’re right, but you really ought to learn some more fact about Pokémon.”

I gave a sigh before suggesting, “Alright, let’s split up, whoever catches a Poliwag first sends the other one a message?” but she had already dashed off before running leaving me to shout, “That’s cheating!” before heading off in the opposite direction, which lead to a lush green forest and started my search for the water Pokémon. I kept my head down to the ground to find anything that looked like a Poliwag footprint or anything else that it could have left behind to see nothing anywhere and everywhere that I looked, not even a partial print of a Poli-anything! I soon became very frustrated as my searching became progressively frustrating, but I was not going to give up until I found one or she did before me. Although, I was personally aiming for the first option, so she did not have a reason to mess with me about her better than I was, which was true. However, I dealt with that several time already on prior mission, and I really did not want to put up with it on this one, but my Capture Styler began to shout, ”Beep beep beep.” Almost instantly I had a gut felling of what it was going to say, but I picked it up anyways, it was a text message from Marina reading, “Guess what, I got not just one, but two Poliwag, so you can quit looking and head back to Karp Lake.” Although, I felt so tempted to just shout out a few things, I knew that wasn’t going be accepted because I was fully aware of how the Styler worked on emotions and if I was angry the device was going to tell the Pokémon, which isn’t a good thing. Therefore, I did my best to hold my temper and began to walk back to the Lake before glancing hearing a pain-filled cry of a Taillow.

“Tail! Taillow!” it cried out as I began to run off in the direction of the cry, “Tail!! Taillow tail!!!” Just then, I got close enough to see what happened, somehow the little blue bird with a red face and white chest got its poor little wing stuck underneath a rock. Instinctively, I began to attempt to move the rock only to discover that the rock was too heavy and hard to move with my own strength. However, hearing the poor creature crying “Tail, tail, taillow!” as loud as it could only made me fell worse about myself before I searched on my Styler for a Pokémon that could help that was in the area.

“No, no, no, no…” I stated to each Pokémon that the red and white device told be before was in the area before it stated that Machop were also in the area, “Alright, perfect! Just hang on Taillow, I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I told the poor bird before running off to find myself a Machop. However, this time I felt as if I really could do it even if I failed the attempt to find a Poliwag, maybe what our Ranger Leader told me is true, “You never know what you can do until you have to do it.” I knew that I just had to find a Machop, there was no way that the Taillow could survive while its wing was still under that stone, so finding a Machop was a must no matter what, I just couldn’t forget about the poor Taillow. Although my Styler gave out several beeps, a hint that Marina was getting impatient, I just kept looking for a Machop, which was just as hard as finding the Poliwag. Before long, I began to notice footprints in the grass that matched the picture in the Styler and began to follow them, “It won’t be long now, Taillow,” I told myself before I started running, “And you’ll be free, as you should be.” After about 10 minutes of running, I noticed that I entering a denser section forest and, I couldn’t see the what should be a fully risen sun through the tops of the interwoven tree branches that were so thick that it appeared as though not even a Wurmple or a Caterpie could fit through. I kept running through a sea of browns and greens until I noticed blue and stopped, it was a Machop, he looked strong as I saw the muscle-packed Pokémon charge a pile of rocks and then hit it with the side of his hand. At first, it seemed as though the chop did noting, but then the rock started to crack and then shatter like glass. I got my Styler ready and yelled, “Capture on!” shot the white top-like Capture Disc that began to circle the Pokémon, who appeared to have been caught off guard, and began to swing at it as if it was an unwanted bug. At first it seemed as if I was going to have to retract the Styler as I began to plead, “Please don’t break it, Machop! I need your help to save a Pokémon,” and, it seemed as if the Disc was finally getting the message across as the Machop began to calm down and allowed it to circle around him once…twice…thrice…and then…


Pokémon: Machop
Goal: 5,000 to 10,000 characters
Character Count: 5375

Thank you, Shy, for the avatar and banner.

Last edited by Pokémon Partner; 06-09-2009 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 06-11-2009, 05:13 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Mystery at Karp Lake [Section 1: BEING GRADED]

House + CSI + Mythbusters + working on SWC entry = too many distractions. D:

Plot/Story: It was alright for a Simple Pokémon, though I thought it lacked explanation. I liked how it flowed from one problem (the lack of Magikarp in the lake) to another problem (getting Taillow’s wing free from the rock). However, I did question as to why Brendan and Marina wanted to find out the reason the Magikarp were missing. Since they’re Rangers, I’m thinking this was a mission they were given, but you never made that clear, so I had to assume, which is never a good thing. You also never told us why they were searching for a Poliwag, which made the scene with Brendan searching for one pointless. Although this is barely the first part of the story, you need to inform the reader enough so they’re not confused about these kind of things.

The main problem I had, though, was the fact that I know next to nothing about Brendan and Marina. How did they become Rangers? How did they meet? Where do they come from? Again, it’s only the first part, so you don’t want to reveal every single thing about them. Still, you have to tell us some kind of background information that will tell us what kind of people they are. Don’t just jump into the story. Take your time to fill in the reader with necessary information.

Introduction: Other than the fact that there was no background information on your characters, it was good. You described both the characters and the surroundings well enough. Even though I saw the Magikarp lake and the sky, I knew nothing about where this place was located. Outside a city? In the middle of nowhere? It’s like giving a person just the number of your house and not the full address.

Grammar/Spelling: This was very bad, I’m afraid. Number one: you had a good amount of typos, too much for only 5K. The story isn’t going anywhere, so take your time to read over your story to pick out any pesky mistakes that can make your story unreadable.

Number two: all numbers below “100” should be written down. So instead of “…after 10 minutes.” it’s “…after ten minutes.”

Number three, you need to work on your paragraphing. Your last paragraph, especially, was cramped and very hard to follow; most of your story was equally as messy. You start a new paragraph whenever someone begins to speak and whenever you switch from one subject to another. For example, if Machop is attacking then Brendan begins to talk, those two things are two separate paragraphs because it deals with two very different subjects. Example:

Machop gave an enraged yell and charged towards the tree with a raised fist. Skin met bark, and wood chips were sent flying everywhere in a blast of light.

“Wow! That Machop is powerful!” Brendan exclaimed.
Number three, and your BIGGEST mistake was that you had many, many run-ons. Sometimes there weren’t commas. Sometimes you used commas instead of periods. It took me a while to read your story because I had to constantly go back and re-read something because it had all gone by in a blur of words and typos. For example:

At first it seemed as if I was going to have to retract the Styler as I began to plead, “Please don’t break it, Machop! I need your help to save a Pokémon,” and, it seemed as if the Disc was finally getting the message across as the Machop began to calm down and allowed it to circle around him once…twice…thrice…and then…
This sentence is too long. Read it aloud and you’ll see that to read it, it requires for you to take more than one breath. That right away is an indicator that the sentence needs to be stopped somewhere. The first period you need is after “Styler.” Getting rid of the “as,” the next sentence ends with “Pokémon.” Getting rid of the first “and,” you add a comma before the second “and.” “And then,” should be a separate sentence on its own.

So, at the end, it should look something like this:

At first it seemed as if I was going to have to retract the Styler. I began to plead, “Please don’t break it, Machop! I need your help to save a Pokémon.” It seemed as if the Disc was finally getting the message across as the Machop began to calm down, and allowed it to circle around him once…twice…thrice…

And then…
Now, isn’t that much easier to read? Here’s another one, just to make sure you know how to separate a sentence:

“How are you doing, Brendan?” the voice asked before I sighed and turned to see who it was, my best friend and my partner for our operation, Marina, who was wearing the same exact thing that I except she has golden shoulder-length hair.
The first sentence ends with “was.” If you get rid of the second “was,” the second sentence should make sense.

A very good way to know if you have run-ons in your story is to read your story aloud. It may seem weird or as if you’re talking to yourself, but it really pays off in the long run. By reading it mentally, you don’t really get to hear if the sentence makes sense because you aren’t taking breaths.

Length: No problems here.

Description/Detail: Like your plot and introduction, it satisfied me. You described the characters and most of the surroundings. In the future, go more into detail about where your characters are. You started off really well, but after the introduction, the surroundings just faded until I only saw trees and grass, which I can associated with practically every biome other than a desert and ocean. You hooked the reader in the beginning with awesome description, so now convince the reader to keep on reading by describing more of the scenery as the story progresses. As Brendan searched for a Poliwag, did he notice that the ground was really muddy? Or maybe Marina saw that there were a lot of cattails around the lake’s shore. Remember that the reader can be turned off at any point in the story if you decide to slack off and assume the reader knows what everything around Brendan and Marine looks like.

As a last note, remember to describe ALL Pokémon, not just some. This means that Machop deserves just as much description as Taillow.

Battle: There was no battle, which greatly disappointed me. Unless you’re very, VERY confident in the rest of the story, always include a battle against the Pokémon you are attempting to capture. The battle should be two-sided and descriptive, no matter if you’re going for a Machop or a Chansey.

To be honest, I always use the battles as a tie-breaker, you can say. If the rest of the story is shaky, but the battle is really well done, I usually pass the story just because they were redeemed by giving me a great ending. Don’t guess and assume that the grader won’t care if you have a battle or not. Be safe and include one; it may mean the different between a pass and a fail.

Outcome: The plot and the description were okay, but the grammar and the battle were not. Machop NOT captured! Add a two-sided battle, and fix as many grammar mistakes as you can (run-on sentences and typos.) The more you fix, the more I’ll be willing to give you the Pokémon, so no half-hearted attempts. (Please bold any add-ons/changes you make to the story; it makes re-grading easier. ^^) PM me for a re-grade anytime!

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

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