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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-07-2009, 10:13 PM
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Default Mawile and Team Aqua (Ready for regrading!)

Mawile stretched. She and her Pokémon had hung out at Magic Lake for a couple of hours, and she’d caught her second Pokémon, a Magikarp. She got up and began packing her things into her canvas bag: a small fishing rod (which she’d used to catch Magikarp), a bedroll, rice balls, Pokéfood, and three Pokéballs. She checked that her favorite book was in there and started to walk down the path to Mauville city, thinking of her grand adventure. She was thinking so hard, she forgot to look where she was going, and slammed into someone. Mawile sat on the ground looking up at the person who she’d bumped into. He wore a black and white striped shirt, a blue bandanna with a white A-like symbol, and a rather unhappy look.

“Watch where you’re goin’, kid,” he said, walking off. He was followed by two other men one of which had a long, scraggly seaman's beard. Between them they supported a huge pump-like device.

“M-man, this thing is h-heavy,” one stammered.

“Well, we gotta do what the Brendan says, and if he says we gotta pump out this lake, we gotta pump out this lake, Angus.” The other said. “And anyway, we’re nearly there.”

“Well, he c-c-could’ve made it a little l-lighter…” Angus whined, but he did it quietly.

“Angus! Ernie!” Brendan barked.

“Yes, boss?”

“Shut up!”

The three made their way down to the lake’s edge and set the pump-thing down. Mawile followed them.

“Ernie! Angus!” Mawile barked, imitating Brendan’s voice.

“Yes, boss?”

“Huh?”

“B-but you said…”

They started to argue. In the slight distraction, Mawile released Magikarp and slipped her into the water.

“When I call you,” She whispered,”Suck in water and jump out.” Magikarp nodded as much as a fish could, then swam away to do fishy things. Meanwhile, Angus and Ernie were readying the pump thing. “All set, b-boss!” Angus stammered. Brendan strode down to the water. “Finally… Team Aqua captures the Red Gyrados…” He reached for a lever on the pump. Just as he was about to pull the lever, Mawile screamed “MAGIKARP!!!” The fish, swollen with water, heroically sailed out of the lake and landed in her arms.
She then squeezed Magikarp with all her might and as Magikarp’s eyes bugged out; a jet of water squirted out of her mouth and hit the pump. It sparked, fizzed, and exploded in a puff of black smoke. As pieces of pump rained down around them, Brendan strode up to Mawile, who was holding the deflated, but happy, Magikarp in her arms.

“Why you little…” He said, trying not to explode in a fit of rage.

“Yes?” Mawile said. Even without her hiking boots, she stood a good five inches taller than him.

“You’ll pay for this!” He said, finally forcing out a word. “Angus! Ernie! Scram!” Brendan’s goons obediently followed him.

“Torchicks.” She said, as she called Magikarp back. As they retreated down the road in defeat, Mawile heard a voice behind her.

“Good job.” It said. She spun around, but saw no one but a small Nidoran Male.

“Who… who’s there?!” She said. “I’m right here.” This time, she saw the Nidoran’s mouth move.

“Oh. Hello there.” She wasn’t all too surprised at a talking Pokémon. Her mother had a talking Lickitung once. “I want to thank you for driving away Team Aqua.” He said. “You're welcome… how can you talk?”

“Well, ever since- well, I should start from the beginning. My name is Nicad. About three years ago, Team Aqua captured me and put this button on my ear.” He pointed to a small three inch button on his left ear. It was blue with the same white symbol that Brendan’s bandanna had. “It makes obey them, and also talk. They used me in rigged battles to win money. I finally escaped, and made it here.”

“Do you know what they doing at the lake?”

“Looking for the Red Gyrados. They want to put this button on it. Can you imagine what it could do? It could destroy an entire city! But back to me. After I escaped, I looked for a trainer who could remove the button and capture me.”

“Why would you want someone to capture you? I know no one like that!”

“So I could be loved, and respected, and used in fair battles. But they all ran away from a talking Pokémon… all except you. So…. will you-?”

“Yes!” Mawile stooped down and unclipped the button from Nicad’s ear.

“Can I-? Yes! I can still talk!” He wiggled his ears in happiness. Mawile tried to wiggle her ears too.

“What should we with it?” She said, motioning the button. Nicad whispered in her ear. She smiled. One by one, she called her Pokémon out, clipped the button on, then took it off, to give all her Pokémon the power of speech, then slipped it in her pocket.

“Now that you all can talk, tell me your names.”

“Good,” Said Wurmple. “I am Wurra.”

“I’m known as Troveis.” Said Treecko.

“Kooka” siad Mgikarp, flopping around on the ground.

“All the others have names that start with the same letter as their species,” Mawile asked. “Why don’t you?” Kooka did the fish equivalent of a shrug. “Ah well. Time to pick who battles Nicad.” Mawile did eenie-meenie-minee-mo, and ended up with Wurra. She assumed a fighting pose.

“Let’s hit it ouuuut, Nicad!” Everyone stared at her. “What? Whaaat?” “Well, anyway… Poison Sting!” Mawile said. Wurra charged forward, horn glowing purple. She slammed into Nicad. Nicad responded with a Poison Sting of his own. Wurra started chanting, and as she did a snow white wind buffeted Nicad. Nicad managed to use Copycat despite his lowered HP. Wurra couldn’t take the Silver Wind, and fainted. Mawile sent out Troveis. “Troveis, Razor Leaf!” Mawile cried. Troveis complied by spitting razor sharp leaves at his opponent. Nicad managed to dodge a few, but couldn’t escape them all. Nicad was really hyped up now. He charged forwad, and kicked Wurra twice. She managed to evade the first of the kicks, but got nailed by the second. Undaunted, Wurra spit out a long string of silk, wrapping Nicad's legs together. Nicad broke through the strings easily, but seem ed slowed by the attack. Mawile knew that Wurra had a small moveset, so she called her back. "go, Tree- I mean, Troveis!" Troveis popped out of the ball and circled Nicad like a boxer ready to strike. The Treecko was quite agile, and Mawile could see Nicad was having trouble following his movements. An idea struck Nicad. He spun around in a circle, firing Poison Stings everywhere.
Troveis could not escape all the stings, but wasn't ready to give up the fight just yet. Troveis summoned a pulsing ball of green engy and fired toward Nicad. The force knocked the Nidoran on his side. Nicad sprung up, considerably weakened, and gave Troveis a sharp Peck. Despite his effort, he was very weak.
Mawile rummaged in her bag, and pulled out a Pokéball. She threw it with all her might at the weakened Pokémon. The ball shook furiously...

Target Pokemon: Nidoran M
Chars needed: 5k-10k
Chars: 5,506
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Last edited by Mawile-Danmaku; 06-20-2009 at 11:13 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-20-2009, 06:09 PM
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Default Re: Mawile and Team Aqua

Sorry this took so long to get up. Real-life got in the way :/. Also, I’m gonna try out a new method of Grading this time. Well, not really new lol. I’m just not gonna use Pass or Fail this time. I’ll see how it works out, I guess.

Introduction: It seems that this story is continuing from another one, and whenever you’re continuing a story you should always give a brief summary of what happened before. Otherwise, readers will either have to read your previous stories in order to understand what’s going on now, or be confused if they don’t feel like reading anything before the current story. If you’re not continuing from another story, you should edit your introduction a little so it doesn’t sound like a continuation. Try giving a little bit more back-story about why Mawile is where she is and why she’s doing what she’s doing.

Plot: Random evil teams being up to no good and doing testing on Pokemon in general is a somewhat overworked plot. Pokemon being used by evil teams is a worn out plot, too. Unfortunately, there’s really nothing here that puts a unique twist on the story to make the plot fresh and new. If you use more popular plots, you want to try to come up with some twist that will make the plot less common. For this, maybe the Red Gyarados could have made some sort of appearance. Unexpected events help keep an overused plot from being boring.

Length: A little over 6k is fine for a Nidoran ^^.

Detail: Eh, this section wasn’t too good. We didn’t get a look at Mawile, the Pokemon, or the surroundings. You briefly described what the Aqua grunts were wearing, but you didn’t describe the grunts themselves. Every time you introduce a new scene or character, you want to try to give as clear a description as possible so the readers can visualize exactly what it is you’re writing about. For characters, tell us how tall they are, how much they weigh, whether they’re skinny or heavy, what color hair and eyes they have, that kind of thing. The same goes for Pokemon, who you always want to describe. Even though this is a Pokemon forum, there are people who may not know what certain Pokemon look like. It falls to the author to describe Pokemon in their stories so everyone can get a clear idea of what they look like.

For scenes, try including more than just visual details. When you go outside, you don’t just see things. You hear them and feel them and smell them, too. You’ll feel the wind blowing or hear cars going by. Depending on what kind of surroundings you’re story takes place in, you may only use a few sensory details or you may use all five. Taste is usually the least used, so you can get by with using it very little or even not at all, if the story is short. You should really try to touch on the other four senses, though. If it can’t be done, try emphasizing what you can describe to really drive the point home.

Grammar/Spelling: Meh, it’s not perfect, but it’s not too awfully bad, either:

Quote:
“Watch where you’re goin’, kid,” He said, walking off. He was followed by two other men who were dressed similarly, carrying a huge pump-like device.
~This is one of the things I noticed that occurred regularly. You capitalized the first word following dialogue, even though the dialogue (and thus the sentence) hadn’t ended yet. If the sentence doesn’t end with dialogue, any words directly afterwards don’t have to be capitalized unless it’s a proper noun (such as a name or title). That being said, “he” should be lower case.

Quote:
“Angus! Ernie!” The leader (named Brendan) barked.
~You don’t normally want to reveal a character’s name in this manner. The best way to do so is to have another person address them, like Brendan did with Angus and Ernie.

Quote:
Mawile quietly followed them. “Who are you doing, and who are you?” She said, making them jump. “Mind your own business, lassie.” The leader said.
~If Mawile was quietly following them, that gives the impression that she doesn’t want them to know she’s there. But the next second she asks who the people are and what they’re doing. This wouldn’t really happen in real-life, since people rarely go up to shady-looking strangers and demand to know who they are and what they’re doing.

Quote:
“When I call you,” She whispered,”Suck in water and jump out.” Magikarp nodded as much as a fish could, then swam away to do fishy things. Meanwhile, Angus and Ernie were readying the pump thing. “All set, b-boss!” Angus stammered. Brendan strode down to the water. “Finally… Team Aqua captures the Red Gyrados…” He reached for a lever on the pump. Just as he was about to pull the lever, Mawile screamed “MAGIKARP!!!” The fish, swollen with water, heroically sailed out of the lake and landed in her arms. She then squeezed Magikarp with all her might and as Magikarp’s eyes bugged out; a jet of water squirted out of her mouth and hit the pump. It sparked, fizzed, and exploded in a puff of black smoke. As pieces of pump rained down around them, Brendan strode up to Mawile, who was holding the deflated, but happy, Magikarp in her arms. “Why you little…” He said, trying not to explode in a fit of rage. “Yes?” Mawile said. Even without her hiking boots, she stood a good five inches taller than him. “You’ll pay for this!” He said, finally forcing out a word. “Angus! Ernie! Scram!” Brendan’s goons obediently followed him. “Torchicks.” She said, as she called Magikarp back. As they retreated down the road in defeat, Mawile heard a voice behind her. “Good job.” It said. She spun around, but saw no one but a small Nidoran Male. “Who… who’s there?!” She said. “I’m right here.” This time, she saw the Nidoran’s mouth move. “Oh. Hello there.” She wasn’t all too surprised at a talking Pokémon. Her mother had a talking Lickitung once. “I want to thank you for driving away Team Aqua.” He said. “Your welcome… how can you talk?”
~This happened twice. You have several paragraphs clumped together as a single giant one, and that makes it look messy and hard to read. Generally, you should make a new paragraph whenever dialogue switches between characters, especially when it goes back and forth like this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
“When I call you,” She whispered, ”Suck in water and jump out.” Magikarp nodded as much as a fish could, then swam away to do fishy things. Meanwhile, Angus and Ernie were readying the pump thing.

“All set, b-boss!” Angus stammered. Brendan strode down to the water.

“Finally… Team Aqua captures the Red Gyrados…” He reached for a lever on the pump. Just as he was about to pull the lever, Mawile screamed “MAGIKARP!!!” The fish, swollen with water, heroically sailed out of the lake and landed in her arms. She then squeezed Magikarp with all her might and as Magikarp’s eyes bugged out; a jet of water squirted out of her mouth and hit the pump. It sparked, fizzed, and exploded in a puff of black smoke. As pieces of pump rained down around them, Brendan strode up to Mawile, who was holding the deflated, but happy, Magikarp in her arms.

“Why you little…” He said, trying not to explode in a fit of rage.

“Yes?” Mawile said. Even without her hiking boots, she stood a good five inches taller than him.

“You’ll pay for this!” He said, finally forcing out a word. “Angus! Ernie! Scram!” Brendan’s goons obediently followed him.

“Torchicks.” She said, as she called Magikarp back. As they retreated down the road in defeat, Mawile heard a voice behind her.

“Good job.” It said. She spun around, but saw no one but a small Nidoran Male.

“Who… who’s there?!” She said. “I’m right here.” This time, she saw the Nidoran’s mouth move.

“Oh. Hello there.” She wasn’t all too surprised at a talking Pokémon. Her mother had a talking Lickitung once.

“I want to thank you for driving away Team Aqua.” He said.

“Your welcome… how can you talk?”
This way, everything is much easier to read.

Quote:
Finally… Team Aqua captures the Red Gyrados…
~”Gyrados” is actually spelled “Gyarados.”

There were other things, but I’m not gonna bother pointing them out right now since this is already kinda long. The worst parts were where you had those two huge paragraphs that should have been split into several separate ones.

Battle: The battle was kind of short and repetitive, which isn’t really a good thing. For one, Nidoran has a relatively decent movepool and could have relied on more than just Poison Sting and Copycat. The fact that all the Pokemon kept using the same attacks over and over really takes away from the battle. Using the same attacks quickly gets boring and tedious for the reader. Use a large variety of moves, and remember that you don’t have to use just level-up moves. Let the Pokemon in your story use TMs or BMs, too. This will give you an even wider range of attacks to use.

You should also try incorporating the environment in your battles. Since the battle took place near a body of water, one of the Pokemon could have made use of it. Maybe Troveis could have torn up some dirt and grass and flung it at Nidoran to momentarily distract him. Abilities, too, can be used to flesh out a battle and make it exciting.

Outcome: The redundant battle, along with the weak introduction and overworked plot, work strongly against you here. The shaky grammar section didn’t really help, either. So for now, Nidoran Not Captured. What you have to do to change this to a capture is simple; fix up the grammar issues I pointed out and work on the battle. Make it longer and use lots of different moves instead of the same one or two over and over. I’d like to see Nidoran use at least four different attacks.

Let me know once you’re ready for a re-Grade.[/B]
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  #3  
Old 06-21-2009, 05:24 PM
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Default Re: Mawile and Team Aqua (Ready for regrading!)

Re-Grade!

You did like I asked for the most part, though in the battle you said Wurra gets knocked out, but then manages to avoid Nidoran's Double Kick. I doubt she would have regained consciousness that quickly; maybe the first kick was enough to stir her?

Anyways, the battle is definitely a bit better than it was before, so I won't be a jerk and make you edit anything else. With that said, Nidoran Captured! Have fun with the...uh...whatever the heck Nidoran is supposed to be >>.
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