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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 06-23-2009, 04:33 AM
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Default A Shaky Start To a New Beginning - [NWC]

Okay, this is my first story, so please grade easier than usual..
Pokemon Going For: Growlithe
Difficulty: Medium
Characters needed: 10k-20k
Characters written: 13,772

As I was running along a dirt road, dust was flying off my green sneakers. A fence on either side of the road was blocking the way to a field. My Eevee was cradled in my arms, barely breathing. I didn’t notice the softness of his brownish fur, as I was too worried about his health. I had to get to the PokeCenter, and fast. I knew there was one in the upcoming town of Viridian, but I didn’t know when we would reach it. Through all the trees on the horizon, I saw a large Pokeball sculpture, rotating on the roof of a red, futuristic looking building. Finally, the PokeCenter!

As I approached the crystal blue doors of the PokeCenter, they slid open gracefully, making a “whoosh” sound. I ran quickly inside. The large, mostly yellow room, filled with trainers of all sorts and plenty of seats with pillows opened up. Directly ahead was a counter, with a pink haired lady and a Chansey standing behind it. As I rushed towards the counter, I ignored the turned heads of all the trainers and the posters on the walls. I was only concentrating on the heavily wounded Eevee in my arms.

“Hello, what can we do for you today?” asked the pink haired lady, dressed as a nurse, with a name tag that read “Nurse Joy.”

“My…Eevee…Is…He…Okay?” I panted heavily, having run all the way to the PokeCenter.

“Before I can examine him, I need your Trainer Card,” Nurse Joy replied happily.

I fumbled through my backpack, until I found my Trainer Card. It had a picture of me, dressed in a long sleeved black t-shirt, black jeans, and my green sneakers, with a grassy field as the background. My blonde hair covered my eyes, so I had swept my fringe across my eyebrows; quite a stunning look. Beside me was my Eevee, with his brown eyes fixed on me, and his clean, brown fur looking as soft as ever. The card also contained the amount of money I had, my collection of gym badges, and spaces where the Pokemon in my team would be placed. Other information, like my age (fourteen) and where I started my journey (Pallet Town, Kanto) where present, too. I handed the card across the counter, into the waiting hands of Nurse Joy. She then swiped the card in a scanner and handed it back.

“Okay Shane, if you wouldn’t mind stepping into the back here, we will examine your Eevee.”

Nurse Joy stepped through another sliding door, followed by Chansey, then me, still cradling my Eevee. A big, hospital looking room, which contained many beds, shelves of Pokeballs and different medicines, was hidden behind the door. Nurse Joy motioned towards the closest bed,

“Lay him down here, I’ll take a look at him.”

I gently placed him down onto the hospital bed, being careful not to hurt him anymore. I have to admit, he looked pretty bad. A large cut ran down his face, bruises on his furry legs, a rip at the tip of his rabbit like ear, and a burn on the tip of his bushy, cream colored tail. Nurse Joy took out a scanner, and hovered it closely over Eevee’s body. The scanner had a little screen, with green lines going up and down. Of course, I knew nothing of what it meant.

“Nothing fatal has happened to him,” Nurse Joy explained, “He can just be cured with some Potions.”

Last edited by DarkEevee; 07-06-2009 at 10:31 PM.
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Old 06-23-2009, 04:39 AM
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Default Shakey Start To a New Beginning

She walked over to a shelf, filled with bottles of all sorts. She selected a spray bottle, filled with blue liquid, from the wide selection, and squirted it onto Eevee. His cuts and bruises disappeared, as if by magic. She then took another spray bottle, which was labeled “Burn Heal”, and sprayed it on Eevee’s bushy tail.

I was relieved. It was nothing after all. I couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened if I had lost Eevee, on the first day of my adventure, too!

“However,” Nursed Joy began, “I would like to know how he got beaten up so much, and what the burn on his tail was from.”

I sighed. “Well, we were next to a field, you know, tall green grass, lots of trees scattered across the place. It was the perfect place for Rattatas, Pidgeys and Weedles. While we were walking along the dirt road, I saw flames shooting out from the grass, then a loud screech and a bark. Eevee and I rushed over, trudging our way through the tall grass, to where the flames had been released. In the dirt, we saw footprints. One was a Meowth’s footprint, but I couldn’t recognize the other set. I followed the footprints through the grass, until I came upon the Meowth and a Growlithe battling. I watched with enthusiasm, as I had never witnessed a live battle. The Growlithe easily won, as, prior to the battle, it was obvious that the Meowth had suffered a lot of damage; the coin on its head had fallen off. Eevee and I then decided to battle the Growlithe. At first, I thought we would defeat it, since it had just battled, but I was wrong. The Growlithe overpowered Eevee with two vicious Flame Wheels. That Growlithe is seriously tough,” I explained. “After Eevee fainted, I rushed to this PokeCenter as fast as I could.”

“Sounds like you’ve had a rough day,” Nurse Joy said sympathetically, with a smile on her face, “How ‘bout you guys stay here for tonight? Upstairs has all the Guest Rooms. We have plenty of vacancies,” offered Nurse Joy.

“I think we would like that very much, wouldn’t we Eevee?”

“Eevee!” said Eevee, obviously happy.

During the night, I had relived the day in my dreams, only to awake to sweat gathering around my face, and frantically looking around for Eevee. It was a long night.

Morning finally broke, as the sun came through the thick blue curtains.

“Eevee, time to get up,” I said sleepily, as I got dressed into my jeans and t-shirt.

Eevee slowly got off the soft bed, and stretched.

‘I think he’s happy to be able to move again,’ I thought to myself.

After having our free breakfast, consisting of slightly burnt, crispy toast, and orange juice, we went to the downstairs of the Pokecenter. Now that nothing was on my mind, I observed some of the posters pasted to the Center’s walls. Many were just advertisements for Pokemart items, which I skipped past. I finally found one that caught my eye, one advertising the Pokemon League. A picture of a Charizard was in the middle, a magnificent flame erupting from its dragon like mouth. On either side of it was a Blastoise and Venusaur. A stadium was in the background, with cheering fans occupying every seat of the arena. ‘Will YOU be the next Champion of the Kanto League?’ the poster read at the bottom.

“I will,” I whispered to myself, “Eevee and me, all the way. Isn’t that right buddy?”

Eevee nodded, and hopped onto my shoulder, as we headed for the PokeCenter’s door. Suddenly, a poster on the right caught my eye. I walked over to it, and examined it. There was a fluffy, dog like Pokemon, with black stripes across its body in the middle of the poster, a Growlithe. I glanced over at Eevee; his brown eyes were centered on it. I could tell he knew what it was. I knew what he wanted. He has always been very determined and confident.

“You want to go find that Growlithe, don’t you Eevee? To go show him who’s boss?” I asked him.

He nodded, with determination gleaming in his eyes. He was ready to find that Growlithe, and so was I. Before we left, I thought it would be a good idea to get as much information on Growlithe as possible. So Eevee and I went over to a funny looking computer in the corner, obviously a touch screen, but old by the looks of it. I logged on, and found a website containing information on Growlithe.

‘Growlithe, the Puppy Pokemon,’ the website read. “Growlithes are very loyal Pokemon. It will remain motionless until it is given an order by its trainer.’

“It says here that Growlithe can have one of two abilities: Intimidate and Flash Fire,” I told Eevee. “Since you have no fire type moves, we only have to watch out for Intimidate. We also have to watch out for some of its moves. It can learn some powerful ones, like Flamethrower, Flame Wheel and… Reversal? That’s super effective against you, Eevee, so please be careful.”

I logged off the computer and headed towards the door.


Last edited by DarkEevee; 07-06-2009 at 10:31 PM.
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Old 06-23-2009, 04:46 AM
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Default Shakey Start To a New Beginning

As we stepped through the sliding door, the warmth of the sun hit our faces. It felt wonderful. I knew this was going to be a good day, I could just feel it. We walked around Viridian City, observing the old houses, most with peeling paint and tiles missing from the old, brown roofs. The PokeMart, similar to the PokeCenter, only blue and without the large rotating PokeBall, was next to the Gym. I wanted to go inside the Gym, but it was locked. I peered through the dusty windows, and could barely make out a rocky battlefield, filled with boulders and holes.

“That’s where we’re going to be someday, Eevee! Battling in that Gym, against the Gym Leader. Now let’s go find that Growlithe!”

We walked through the populated town, until we came to the outskirts. In front of us was a long dirt road, with fences either side, bordering a field. Finding that Growlithe was the only problem now. I looked up into the cloudless sky, only to see a Pidgey flying overhead.

“That sure would help us to find that Growlithe, being able to fly.”

Whilst walking down the dirt road, all that was heard had been Pidgey and Rattata crys. A couple of trainers walked by.

“Hey, have you seen a Growlithe along here?” I asked hopefully.

“Nope, sorry,” said the short, brown haired boy.

“But we did see flames coming out from the grass a little while ago, didn’t we?,” the other, red headed boy said.

“Yeah, we saw that,” said the brown haired boy.
I looked at Eevee, then back to the trainers.

Can you show us where?” I asked hopefully.

“Sure, it was just about thirty meters down the road, ten meters in the grass.”

“Thank you so much! Let’s go get him, Eevee!”

My heart pounded rapidly against the inside of my chest. Eevee and I were heading towards our first real battle, ever. Eevee was running alongside me, his fur bouncing as he ran with me. This was certainly going to be a day to remember.

Sure enough, as we ran approximately thirty meters on the dusty dirt road, over the rickety, wooden fence, long pillars of flame could be seen emerging from a spot near a large oak tree. We clambered over the fence and made our way through the long grass to find the Growlithe pacing around the tree, as if to claim its territory. As he saw us approach, he lay down on the ground and pretended to sleep. He obviously remembered us.

“What? Do you think you’re better than us, just because you beat us before?” I yelled, with rage burning in my blue eyes. “Well, we’ll show you what we’re made of! Eevee, Quick Attack!”

As I shouted the orders, Eevee began to move swiftly towards the Growlithe, unable to be seen by the naked eye, until he appeared before the unsuspecting Growlithe and rammed it with his body. Growlithe was knocked a few feet back, landing in the long grass, but got up quickly. Growlithe realized that we meant business, so he crouched low into a battle stance. Flames licked at the sides of his mouth.

“Eevee, watch out! He’s going to use Flamethrower!”

Growlithe opened up its dog like mouth, and released a line of scorching flames, straight at Eevee. Eevee tried to dodge the powerful flame, but was hit just after he jumped. A large burn was across his back leg. It wasn’t looking good.

“Okay Eevee, try a Sand Attack, then follow up with a Tackle!”

Eevee ran towards Growlithe, then flicked up some dust from the ground to blind Growlithe. Growlithe howled as the dust hit its eyes. Eevee then ran straight at Growlithe, tensing his muscles, ready for to Tackle. Growlithe brushed some the dust out of his eyes, and saw Eevee coming. His teeth began to sizzle, and fire erupted from his fangs.

“Eevee, stop! He’s using Fire Fang!”

It was too late. Eevee charged straight at Growlithe, who bit into Eevee’s side. Eevee yelped in pain. I felt sorry for Eevee, but we had to keep fighting. Growlithe loosened his grip, only slightly, and then released another Flamethrower. The fire engulfed Eevee’s side. Another yelp came from Eevee.

‘Eevee can’t take much more of this,’ I thought.

“Eevee, Bite that overgrown puppy back!” I ordered.

Eevee took the looser grip of Growlithe’s teeth to advantage, and broke free. He then leapt at Growlithe, teeth bared, and sunk his teeth into Growlithe’s neck. Growlithe howled in pain, obviously hurt. Growlithe retreated, then returned to his battle stance, obviously preparing another Flamethrower.

“Eevee, another Flamethrower is coming your way! Quickly dodge it, and then use Quick Attack!”

As Growlithe was about to release a vicious looking flame, he flinched in pain from Eevee's Bite attack.

“Okay Eevee, we got a lucky break. Now, Quick Attack and then Take Down!”

Eevee did as ordered. He rushed towards Growlithe at an impossible speed, his fur flowing behind him, and knocked him back into the old oak tree. The Growlithe howled, and tried to get up, but Eevee was too quick. With the momentum from the Quick Attack, Eevee’s Take Down was coming fast. He braced his body for impact, and connected with Growlithe’s furry body, sandwiching it between him and the tree. The tree shook violently, making all Pidgey occupants fly away into different directions. Eevee rushed back to my side, awaiting orders. I watched the Growlithe for any signs of attacking. There were none. No movement, nothing. Now was my chance. I rummaged through my bag, to find a spherical ball, split into red and white. I maximized it by pressing the button in the middle.

“Eevee, you were fantastic! Now there’s one thing left to do! Go PokeBall!”

I threw the ball to see it bounce off the Growlithe, and absorb it in a beam of light. The ball fell to the ground, lying in the dust. I watched it wiggle once, wiggle twice and…
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Old 06-27-2009, 02:50 AM
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Default Re: Shakey Start To a New Beginning

Introduction: I thoroughly enjoyed the introduction. In the first part of the story you already successfully introduced us to the Pokemon you are attempting to catch. On top of that, you went into great detail to describe how the Pokecenter functions. You also found the perfect excuse to describe Shane to us without simply saying "I wear a long-sleeved black t-shirt, black jeans, and I have blonde hair that covered my eyes." Your character didn't describe himself, he described what was on the card.

Plot: It was a beginner plot, but than again, this is a beginner story. I would say at most you can get away with a Complex-ranked Pokemon with the standard plot(but then the story has to be well-written, and have some sort of mystery). Of course, this is a Medium-ranked Growlithe story, and your first no less. As I previously mentioned, the introduction was a great way to throw the reader into the story. I'm done ranting though, good job.

Description: Your description was good, it was better than what I expect a first story to be. I liked the way you described the attacks in the battle, and of course there was the introduction. I also liked how you gave us a glimpse at the personality of Eevee and Shane. Shane strikes me as a kid who would throw himself in danger to protect his Pokemon, and if I had to give Eevee a nature, I'd have to say either Bold or Adamant, judging by how he reacted to seeing the Growlithe poster. If you plan on making this a series, I would love to see you expand on those two characters.

Grammar: I didn't notice any significant spelling mistakes. I should let you know that it is Venusaur and not Venasaur, but that's a simple mistake. Also, when a word ends with the "ay" sound, as in butterfly, replace the "-y" with "-ies". Also, Pokeballs, Pokecenter, Pokemart, you don't have to capitalize the second word. So you can just say "Pokeballs" instead of "PokeBall". Grammar-wise, you need to insert a space after a comma.

I jumped off the truck,ran down the road,and hugged my mom.
Should be.

I jumped off the truck, ran down the road, and hugged my mom.
And then there was this:

After having our free breakfast, consisting of slightly burnt, crispy toast, and orange juice, we went to the downstairs of the PokeCenter.
That isn't something a spellchecker would catch, but it is unnecessary to have those extra words.

Originally Posted by Phrases that would suffice
...we went downstairs.

...we went to the lower level of the Pokecenter.
Other than that, there is nothing I see that I can't rule off as a typo.

Length: As a Medium-ranked Pokemon; it is recommended you fall within the range of 10,000 to 20,000 characters(with Spaces), you managed 13,650, so I'm satisfied.

Battle: It was about a quarter of the story, so it was long enough character-wise. Your description helped a lot of course. I liked how Eevee took that beating from the Fire Fang+Flamethrower combo, and then you retaliated by chaining together Quick Attack and Take down. You also get bonus points for using the enviroment. Not just in the usual way a Sand-Attacl works, but by ramming Growlithe against that tree.

Outcome: Great introduction, enoguh for me to bring it up in four categories(including this one). Simple yet effective plot. Good description, grammar, and a decent length. Battle was fine as well.

Growlithe Captured! Enjoy that fiery dog of yours, and keep on writing.

Now it's official.
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