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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-27-2009, 03:21 AM
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Default The New Beginning! [Ready For Grading]

My Pokemon:Charmander
Pokemon To Be Captured:Tailow
Difficulty:Easy
Characters:3192
This is my first story so!

It was a lovely sunny day,Charmander and I were walking through the Viridian Forest to go to Pewter City and were watching all the bug pokemon like weedle and caterpie crawling slowly along the ground until we saw something unusally strange behind a tree,we saw a bird like tail which was blue and and had a shade of red on it.So we decided to go check what this mysteriously strange thing is and slowly and anxiously looked around and it was a Tailow.The Tailow was awake and attacked charmander with a storng peck that knocked charmander over so I decided to try to capture it,so I said "Charmander use Scratch on Tailow!".Until tailow used a swift Quick Attack and and I tried to stop charmander from getting hit so I said "Dodge it Charmander",but Charmander wasn't quick enough.

This wasn't a weak tailow it was quick,strong and intelligent so i said "Charmander use Ember!" the Ember hit Tailow and burnt it's wing but swiftly before I could blink my eyes Tailow had used Peck and had knocked out Charmander so I picked up Charmander and ran out of the forest to Pewter City,running at full pace Charmander's flame was neally out (Death).On the horizon I could see a red roof which said "PokeCenter"so I sprinted so fast leaving dust rising behind me and i stopped at the blue sapphire like doors and they opened and a lady with pink hair and a badge that said"Nurse Joy" said how can I help you today.I replyed "Please help my Charmander is dieing" so the chansey near her grabbed it off me and took it to get healed .I waited 10 minutes for it to get healed because the nurse said it had severe injuries on it's stomach but then when it was healed the offered us to stay the night and we accepted because we had no where else to stay.

In our bed's I was talking to Chamander and he seemed angry as if he wanted revenge on Tailow. So the next morning we decided to go back to the forsest so i packed my bag with some potions and some pokeballs and headed back to the forest, when we arrived at the forest the bug pokemon weedle and caterpie were crawling around and we saw the tree were the Tailow was and it looked asleep but it was awake it had saw Charmander and pretended to sleep.I told Charmander "Use Ember" but Tailow moved swiftly and came fast at charmander using Peck so I told him to dodge it but he was still to slow and Tailow had hit Charmander charmander felt weary and was about to fall over until he saw Tailow coming with a Peck to finish Charmander off so i screamed to Charmander "Use ember"and Charmander charged it up to stop Tailow and then released it but a Flamethrower came flying out of it's mouth and burnt Tailow harshly and tailow fell to the ground I thought it was down for the count until it hoped up and came with Quick Attack. I was shocked and in distress so i told Charmander "Wait until it is close then Dodge and use Flamethrower!" and Charmander waited for the right time and dodged the Quick Attack just in time and fire his flamethrower the flamethrower hit Tailow and tailow was down so I grabbed into my bag moving all the potions to find a pokeball and found it and threw it at the hurt Tailow

It swayed for left to right once, then twice and
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Mighteyena
Obtained:294
Hatch @ 309
Evolve @ 348
Lv 100 @ 594
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2009, 04:31 AM
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Default Re: The New Beginning! [Ready For Grading]

Introduction: There wasn't really an introduction. You just said that the trainer and his Charmander were wandering around Viridian Forest on their way to Pewter City. You never once mentioned who the kid is, why he is there, what he hopes to achieve, or anything of the like. It would've helped your length to have some sort of introduction.

Plot: You just walk on by, find a Taillow, and battle it. Charmander almost died for some reason. Charmander was mad, I don't know why, he just was. So you go back and use Potions and win. Not much development at all.

Description: There was none really. I had no idea what Viridian Forest looked like, what the heck is a Weedle anyways? You have to assume that the reader has no idea what Pokemon is, so you have to describe as much as you can to them. The only description I really saw was that little bit about what Taillow looked like.

Grammar: First of all, you ALWAYS capitalize the name of a person, place, thing, even the Bug-type Pokemon. Weedle, Caterpie, heck, even Magikarp needs to be capitalized. The next thing you need to do is break the big clumps into organized paragraphs. You also need to know when to use a comma, don't just throw them in there randomly. You have a few things to work out. I'll do the first paragraph to show you what I mean.

Quote:
Originally Posted by original
It was a lovely sunny day,Charmander and I were walking through the Viridian Forest to go to Pewter City and were watching all the bug pokemon like weedle and caterpie crawling slowly along the ground until we saw something unusally strange behind a tree,we saw a bird like tail which was blue and and had a shade of red on it.So we decided to go check what this mysteriously strange thing is and slowly and anxiously looked around and it was a Tailow.The Tailow was awake and attacked charmander with a storng peck that knocked charmander over so I decided to try to capture it,so I said "Charmander use Scratch on Tailow!".Until tailow used a swift Quick Attack and and I tried to stop charmander from getting hit so I said "Dodge it Charmander",but Charmander wasn't quick enough.
I will put my corrections in bold.

Quote:
It was a lovely sunny day. Charmander and I were walking through the Viridian Forest to go to Pewter City. and We were watching all the bug Pokemon, like Weedle and Caterpie, crawling slowly along the ground, until but then we saw something unusally strange behind a tree. We saw a blue-tailed bird with a shade of red.

So we decided to go check what see what this mysteriously strange thing is, and so we slowly and anxiously looked around and to find that it was a Tailow. The Tailow was awake and attacked Charmander with a strong peck that knocked charmander over so I decided to try to capture it.

"Charmander use Scratch on Tailow!" I told it

But then the Tailow used a swift Quick Attack. I wanted to keep Charmander from getting hurt so I told him to dodge, but Charmander wasn't quick enough.
First of all, the whole thing was pretty much a giant run-on sentence. You have to pause at every new action. You also had a lot of words with similar meanings. Saying something is unusually strange is like saying something is deliciouslly tasty, you're just saying the same thing twice. You make a new paragraph whenever your character speaks.

Quote:
The boy opened the door and saw a familiar woman walking his way.

"Hi mom!" the boy yelled
See how that works?

Length: 5,000 to 10,000 characters(With Spaces) is required to catch a Simple Pokemon like Taillow. Your story had 3,199... I know it is your first, but if you worked at it, you could've reached the 5k mark.

Battle: I guess you can call it a battle. It WAS most of the story. Taillow was clearly stronger, so it gave Charmander a hard time. I can believe that. The thing that would've made this battle better is if it wasn't surrounded by all the grammatical errors.

Outcome: Taillow NOT Captured

I ALMOST gave it to you. It is your first story after all, but you failed to even meet the range suggestion for a Simple Pokemon. Open up a spellchecker, go through and correct what I told you.(Do what I did to your first paragraph to the others), add some more detail, and then PM me saying that you did it.

Make those corrections, and I'll be more than happy to give you Taillow. I suggest taking a day to go over your story, make sure everything is the way you want it, before PM'ing me for a re-grade.
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  #3  
Old 06-27-2009, 05:51 AM
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Default Re: The New Beginning! [Ready For Grading]

My Pokemon:Charmander
Pokemon To Be Captured:Tailow
Difficulty:Easy
Characters:5484
Character Needed: 5k to 10K
This is my first story so!

The New Beginning! [Edited]

It was a lovely sunny day; Charmander and I were walking through Viridian Forest to go to Pewter City. We were watching all the bug Pokemon like Weedle and Caterpie, crawling slowly along the ground, but then saw something unusual behind a tree, We saw a blue-tailed bird with a shade of red. We decided to go see what this strange thing is, so we slowly and anxiously looked around to find that it was a Tailow. Tailow attacked Charmander with a strong peck that knocked Charmander over so I decided to capture it,
"Charmander use Scratch on Tailow!" I told it. But then the Tailow used a Quick Attack I wanted to keep Charmander from getting hurt so I told him to dodge, but Charmander wasn't quick enough.

This wasn't a weak Tailow it was quick, strong and intelligent so I told it
"Charmander use Ember!”. The Ember hit Tailow and burnt its wing but slightly before I could blink my eyes Tailow had used Peck and had knocked out Charmander so I picked up Charmander and ran out of the forest to Pewter City, running at full pace Charmander’s flame was nearly out. On the horizon I could see a red roof which said "PokeCenter" So I sprinted so fast leaving dust rising behind me and I stopped at the blue sapphire like doors and they opened and a lady with pink hair and a badge that said” Nurse Joy" said how can I help you today. I replied
"Please help my Charmander is badly hurt" so the chansey near her grabbed it off me and took it to get healed. I waited 10 minutes for it to get healed because the nurse said it had severe injuries on it's stomach but then when it was healed the offered us to stay the night and we accepted because we had no where else to stay.

In our bed's I was talking to Charmander and he seemed on Tailow. So the next morning we decided to go back to the forest so I packed my bag with some potions and some pokeballs and headed back to the forest, when we arrived at the forest the bug pokemon Weedle and Caterpie were crawling around and we saw the tree were the Tailow was and it looked asleep but it was awake it had saw Charmander and pretended to sleep. I told Charmander
"Use Ember" but Tailow moved swiftly and came fast at Charmander using Peck so I told him to dodge it but he was still to slow and Tailow had hit Charmander felt weary and was about to fall over until he saw Tailow coming with a Peck to finish Charmander off so I screamed to Charmander
"Use ember” and Charmander charged it up to stop Tailow and then released it but a Flamethrower came flying out of its mouth and burnt Tailow harshly and Tailow fell to the ground I thought it was down for the count until it hoped up and came with Quick Attack. I was shocked and in distress so I told Charmander
“Quick uses a Scratch!” and Charmander missed Tailow and Tailow yet again knocked out Charmander but wasn’t as bad as the last time. I was sad and angry that we had lost to Tailow a second time! So I took Charmander sadly to the Pokemon Centre.

When we arrived at the Pokemon Centre I asked Nurse Joy to help my Charmander again but it didn’t take as long as last time and they offered us again to stay the night and we accepted. While in bed Charmander was asleep and I was thinking wether or not to let go off Charmander. So the next morning I went to the Café next to the Pokemon Centre and got a Coffee and bought Charmander something to eat. The Coffee didn’t taste too nice and when I finished my coffee and Charmander finished eating I decided for a third time to go battle Tailow because I wanted to capture it. And I won’t give up!

So we left the Café and headed yet again to Viridian Forest. We arrived there and looked for the tree was Tailow was and saw a Caterpie? I was stumbled I thought it would be there so we kept searching and saw the Tailow so I told Charmander
“Use Flamethrower on Tailow!” and it was a direct hit it almost burnt Tailow to a crisp. I was just about to use a Pokeball to catch the Tailow but it got up and used Peck on Charmander.
Charmander was hurt and so was Tailow and I wanted to finish it off once and for all so I told Charmander “Use Flamethrower” and Charmander charged a strong Flamethrower but Tailow attacked with a very strong Gust! Both attacks collided and battled but the fire spun into the flames and made it one fiery gust it was heading straight at Charmander so Charmander used another flamethrower at the tornado to try to hit it back at Tailow but his flamethrower had no effect. Charmander was in trouble it was coming right at him and if he dodged it he could get knocked out from the power coming from the gust. So he decided to use Flamethrower on the ground and he lifted off the ground above the Gust and jumped over it and I yelled “Use Scratch when you land!” and Charmander used Scratch and Tailow was down so I reached into my bag for a Pokeball and threw it at Tailow but it escaped and kept battling this was one strong Tailow so I Told Charmander “Finish Tailow off with Fire Fang!”. And in the blink of an eye Tailow disappeared and I was dazzled Charmander was standing there wondering were it had gone but then, I saw Tailow in the sky it was heading for Charmander trying to finish it off so I yelled “Charmander use flamethrower in the sky”. Charmander fired his flamethrower at the sky and noticed Tailow was above him and Charmander’s attack had a direct hit on Tailow which knocked it out of the sky and it was down so I grabbed a pokeball out of my bag and threw it at Tailow!
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Stats

Mighteyena
Obtained:294
Hatch @ 309
Evolve @ 348
Lv 100 @ 594
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  #4  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:01 AM
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Default Re: The New Beginning! [Ready For Grading]

Alright, here goes the quick Re-grade rundown.

Length: You managed to pull it up to 5,496, good job.

Plot: Still the same as before, but you took a bit of a break. It was still really rushed.

Grammar: You did okay in breaking the paragraphs. It could have been done a bit better, but I'm not gonna be too picky.

New Outcome: You improved over the original, not too much, but you met the length requirements, which is the only thing that I didn't like about last time. For future stories, I would like to point you to the How to Write Stories thread. It's full of good advice. Also, try to find a good spelling/grammar checker.

Taillow Captured! Next time, put a little more thought into your story, take my advice, take the advice of the thread I linked you to, and you'll get better. Like all successful captures graded by me, you need my seal of approval.



Have fun with your new bird.
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  #5  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:53 AM
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luke39 Offline
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Default Re: The New Beginning! [Ready For Grading]

Thank you so much now i have a tailow and i'm reading the link thanks for the help and the pokemon!
__________________
Stats

Mighteyena
Obtained:294
Hatch @ 309
Evolve @ 348
Lv 100 @ 594
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