There wasn't really an introduction. You just said that the trainer and his Charmander were wandering around Viridian Forest on their way to Pewter City. You never once mentioned who the kid is, why he is there, what he hopes to achieve, or anything of the like. It would've helped your length to have some sort of introduction.
You just walk on by, find a Taillow, and battle it. Charmander almost died for some reason. Charmander was mad, I don't know why, he just was. So you go back and use Potions and win. Not much development at all.
There was none really. I had no idea what Viridian Forest looked like, what the heck is a Weedle anyways? You have to assume that the reader has no idea what Pokemon is, so you have to describe as much as you can to them. The only description I really saw was that little bit about what Taillow looked like.
First of all, you ALWAYS capitalize the name of a person, place, thing, even the Bug-type Pokemon. Weedle, Caterpie, heck, even Magikarp needs to be capitalized. The next thing you need to do is break the big clumps into organized paragraphs. You also need to know when to use a comma, don't just throw them in there randomly. You have a few things to work out. I'll do the first paragraph to show you what I mean.
Originally Posted by original
It was a lovely sunny day,Charmander and I were walking through the Viridian Forest to go to Pewter City and were watching all the bug pokemon like weedle and caterpie crawling slowly along the ground until we saw something unusally strange behind a tree,we saw a bird like tail which was blue and and had a shade of red on it.So we decided to go check what this mysteriously strange thing is and slowly and anxiously looked around and it was a Tailow.The Tailow was awake and attacked charmander with a storng peck that knocked charmander over so I decided to try to capture it,so I said "Charmander use Scratch on Tailow!".Until tailow used a swift Quick Attack and and I tried to stop charmander from getting hit so I said "Dodge it Charmander",but Charmander wasn't quick enough.
I will put my corrections in bold.
It was a lovely sunny day. Charmander and I were walking through the Viridian Forest to go to Pewter City. and We were watching all the bug Pokemon, like Weedle and Caterpie, crawling slowly along the ground, until but then we saw something unusally strange behind a tree. We saw a blue-tailed bird with a shade of red.
So we decided to go check what see what this mysteriously strange thing is, and so we slowly and anxiously looked around and to find that it was a Tailow. The Tailow was awake and attacked Charmander with a strong peck that knocked charmander over so I decided to try to capture it.
"Charmander use Scratch on Tailow!" I told it
But then the Tailow used a swift Quick Attack. I wanted to keep Charmander from getting hurt so I told him to dodge, but Charmander wasn't quick enough.
First of all, the whole thing was pretty much a giant run-on sentence. You have to pause at every new action. You also had a lot of words with similar meanings. Saying something is unusually strange is like saying something is deliciouslly tasty, you're just saying the same thing twice. You make a new paragraph whenever your character speaks.
The boy opened the door and saw a familiar woman walking his way.
"Hi mom!" the boy yelled
See how that works?
5,000 to 10,000 characters(With Spaces) is required to catch a Simple Pokemon like Taillow. Your story had 3,199... I know it is your first, but if you worked at it, you could've reached the 5k mark.
I guess you can call it a battle. It WAS most of the story. Taillow was clearly stronger, so it gave Charmander a hard time. I can believe that. The thing that would've made this battle better is if it wasn't surrounded by all the grammatical errors.
Outcome: Taillow NOT Captured
I ALMOST gave it to you. It is your first story after all, but you failed to even meet the range suggestion for a Simple Pokemon. Open up a spellchecker, go through and correct what I told you.(Do what I did to your first paragraph to the others), add some more detail, and then PM me saying that you did it.
Make those corrections, and I'll be more than happy to give you Taillow. I suggest taking a day to go over your story, make sure everything is the way you want it, before PM'ing me for a re-grade.