Member List
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

Thread Tools
Old 06-27-2009, 09:07 AM
luke39's Avatar
luke39 Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 569
Send a message via AIM to luke39
Default The Bush!

My pokemon:Charmander,Tailow
Pokemon to Be Caught: Burmy (Grass Form)
Difficulty: Simplest
Characters: 3146
Characters Needed: 3k to 5k
This is my 2nd story and I love stories!

The Bush!

It was another ordinary day for a trainer, I was at Eterna Forest just walking watching all the pokemon like Wurmple, Caterpie and lots of other pokemon not to many rare pokemon until we reached a cross route path in the forest and I decided to go left. I ended up in nowhere and there were no pokemon it was a bit spooky and then I was looking for a way back and I saw an unusual bush it didn’t look anything like the others it was much thinner and had unusually funny twigs coming off it.

So I decided to attack it to see what it was if it was some ET (Extra Terrestrial) bush or a Pokemon so I sent out Charmander and told it to use a Ember on it and the bush caught alight and eyes popped out and I knew it was a Pokemon and because I hadn’t seen one of them in this forest I decided I would try to catch it!

So I told Charmander to attack it with another Ember and it burnt the Pokemon again but then all of a sudden it attack Charmander and I with Sleep Powder and we fell to sleep.1hour later we woke up and the unusual pokemon bush had ran away, so I decided to send my beloved Tailow out to search the forest for an unusual bush and 5 minutes later Tailow was squawking it meant that it had found something so we followed it and we found the unusual bush hiding behind a tree. So I used my pokedex to see what pokemon it was and it said it was a “Burmy” –The bush like pokemon that is able to cloak it’s self with its leaves to camouflage itself to look like other bushes.

After I had learned about Burmy I kept Tailow out to battle so I told Tailow “Use Quick Attack on Burmy!” and Tailow went to attack but Burmy dodged and used Tackle. Tailow didn’t even fell a thing off Burmy’s tack so I yelled to Tailow
“Now use Peck!” but Burmy was so quick that it dodged it and used Hidden Power, it had hurt Tailow pretty bad and then Burmy yet again used Sleep Powder and we fell asleep.

We woke up again but not as long only 20minutes after being attacked we woke up and decided to try to find the Burmy again but this time we would use our most powerful attack “Aerial Ace” so I sent Tailow out again to search for it but it spotted it straight away it was only 500m away and I told Tailow to charge up all his power and use Aerial Ace. So Tailow charged up Aerial Ace full power and then hit the attack but Burmy avoided it was a miracle I couldn’t believe it and then Burmy used Hidden Power again and knocked out my Tailow so I made it return to it’s Pokeball, then I grabbed my other Pokeball and Charmander came out and Burmy had already started using tackle so I said to Charmander“Use Ember!” and it hit Burmy it nearly knocked Burmy out but it the sent out a hidden power, so I used a Flamethrower and it overpowered Burmy’s attack and Burmy was knocked out so I grabbed my Pokeball ready to capture it but then suddenly it attack with Hidden Power and nearly knock out Charmander so I told Charmander “Use Fire Fang” and it was a direct hit Burmy was knocked out so I threw the Pokeball at Burmy and!

Hatch @ 309
Evolve @ 348
Lv 100 @ 594
Reply With Quote
Old 06-27-2009, 09:43 AM
Gokudera-Kun's Avatar
Gokudera-Kun Offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 4,391
Send a message via AIM to Gokudera-Kun
Default Re: The Bush!

Introduction: It was a bit better than the last one. This time you were in Eterna Forest, but you ended up getting lost. We still don't know much about you though. Usually an introduction is used to, well, introduce us to the character/story.

Plot: While travelling through Eterna Forest, you got lost and encountered a strange new bush. You thought it was an extra terrestrial, so you attacked it to make sure. The rest of the story is battling the bush.

Description: Like I said before, you neglected describing any of the characters, attacks, or the setting. You mentioned that the bush was spooky, but how so? What do Charmander and Taillow look like? What does an Ember attack look like? Little details like this take a good story and make it a great story.

Grammar: A few errors. For one thing, you are supposed to capitalize the word "Pokemon". You used "to" instead of "too".

Originally Posted by to
I went to the park.
[quote=too]There are too many ostriches![/b]

"To" has to deal with places and time. "Too" is used in comparison, like "Me too!" You broke the paragraphs better, but you still need to work on sentences. Let me give you an example:

Originally Posted by Before
The boy was sitting at the lake suddenly a Pokemon flew overhead he jumped and began chasing after it.
Right now it looks like a big cluster, let's add punctuation, changes will be in bold.

Originally Posted by After
The boy was sitting at the lake. Suddenly, a Pokemon flew overhead. He jumped and began chasing after it.
Whenever you have a different action or though, add a period. Let's say your paragraph is about searching through Eterna Forest. Every sentence in the paragraph has to do with searching the forest. However, sometimes you might hear a noise and turn around. You would add a period because you did a new action.(Went from looking through the plants, then you heard a noise) If the two actions are similar, or in response, you use a comma.

Originally Posted by Comma1
I searched around the bushes, then I searched in the bushes
Notice the word "then"? Words like then and "and" are used as part of a conjuction. You use them to connect two similar phrases.

Originally Posted by Comma2
I searched in the bushes, but I heard a noise and ran away.
Words like "but" are used when something is different, but it relates. Like the example, I looked in the bushes, then I heard a noise. Put but in there because you did something different than you originally planned.

Also, whenever a new character speaks, you make a new paragraph.

The two Pokemon fought fiercly.

"Stop it you two!" I yelled.
Why do we do this? Saying something like "that Pokemon was tough, so I told my Pokemon to use Flamethrower" doesn't sound(or look as good).

Length: 3032, the range is 3,000 to 5,000, cutting it pretty close.

Outcome: Well, you showed some improvement since last time. Still, I recommend reading the How to Write Stories thread a little closer. There are some things that you can improve on.(Mainly grammar and detail) I suggest taking time to think of a good plot for a story. Read some books, watch some tv, anything that would give you an idea for a great story.

Burmy(Grass) Captured! It was easier than Taillow, and like I said, you did better than before. But remember, take your time when you write a story. With a few differences, you pretty much copy+pasted the plot from your last story. You'll have an easier time catching things if you take the time to plan out your stories.

This is the last time you'll see him. It's too much work to grab the image every time.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:29 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: