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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-22-2009, 06:42 AM
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Default Sensei and Jason [NWC] [Done]

Notes: It's finally done! Sorry it feels kind of rushed near the middle, cause...I guess it was. :x Time was running out. >.> Hmm...it seems PE2K stars out the swear words. Didn't know that. o:

Pokemon going for: Growlithe
Characters needed: 10-20k
Charecters written: 27885

* * *
Respect others. Remain loyal. Refrain from violent behavior. These are some codes of karate. Originating from the Ryukyu Islands of Japan, it is a martial arts sport teaching self-defense, primarily using striking arts such as punching, kicking, knees, elbows, and blocking arts such as knife-hand blocks. A kata is a pattern of movements implementing basic and advanced techniques, and is taught to students of this sport a lot. There are almost 100 different forms of kata.

A middle-aged man, who devoted his whole life to mastering the Japanese form of karate, followed a black, floating object’s lead through the forest.

“Is this the kid?”

“Yeah.”

“Waaahhhhh!”

It was a very hot and windy day, and it had been like this for the past three days. The middle-aged man struck up a conversation with the floating, black ball, about two feet tall. Its two eyes were big, taking up about half of its entire “face,” if you could call the black ball that. Both eyes were all white, the shape of the bottom half of a circle, except for the small dot of black, its pupils, in the center of both eyes. It had a pair of fangs, the sharp, pointed teeth in it’s mouth covering the other half of the black ball, looking ready to sink into something, and a dark purple glow of poison smog was surrounding the ball, refusing to subside. It had no ears or a nose. A ghost. Or to be more specific, Gastly.

The man was, to put it simply, intimidating. His eyebrows were a pure black color, and very thick. His unruly black hair was swaying in the wind, looking as if they had not been brushed in weeks, and his beard was short, not even surpassing his chin. It, too, was very messy. Recently, the man had shaved his mustache off, so he had none at the moment. The eyes of the man, black in the dark and a sandy brown in the light, looked around coldly, as if he was angry at something. A look from him could render even a grown man speechless and afraid. He had elf ears, small, pointed ears, the one thing he was not proud to have. He pulled down on his brown tank top drenched with sweat, and thanked God that he wore denim shorts today, or he would have been really hot. The man’s sweaty face and its features was one thing that made him intimidating. Another could be his muscular appearance. With six-pack abs, giant muscles, and many scars on his body, from all the training he endured to be like this, he was indeed a very powerful man.

They were in a green forest, barely touched by mankind, not too far from civilization, full of many different kinds of pokemon, such as Stantler, a deer-like pokemon who’s antlers may hypnotize a person if looked at. The forest was probably left alone because of the active volcano looming over the forest, ready to explode at any time. Tourists in a safe place away from the forest viewed the volcano, for safety reasons. This forest was on a small island of about 2,000 people, called Kosika, to the east of the Sinnoh region. The intimidating man was in the big forest to train for karate, the sport he had devoted his life to. Of course, he lived close by, the only person brave enough to have a house in front of a forest with an active volcano, and came here for a little while each day. It was a quiet place for him to hone his skills.

A baby, completely naked, was on the green, grassy ground of the forest, annoying the man because of its nonstop cries. The baby was extremely skinny; you could see its bones through its skin. Had it eaten anything since birth? It did not look like it. The baby eyes, a dark brown color, were full of tears, which streamed down its tanned skinned body. It had only grown small strands of black hair, three centimeters at most, on its head. The man turned his attention to the lower part of the baby’s body. Genitals. It was a boy.

“What will his name be?” the man asked the ghost with his loud, deep voice, trying to refrain from punching the baby to silence it.

The ghost thought for a long period of time. The man was getting impatient, going to ask how hard it was to come up with a simple name. This was a waste of time to him. He would have been using this time to master his skills. But finally, the ghost replied simply, “Jason.”

“Hmmm…all right, Jason. Let’s get you somewhere safe. You never know what might happen in this forest. I think all the pokemon in this forest hate me, so they’ll attack me.”

“Not all the pokemon hate you,” the Gastly replied. “I, for one, don’t.”

“You’re a ghost, so you don’t count. Well, I’ll be going. I’m wasting my precious time standing around here. I still can’t believe you want me to raise your child for you…oh wait, you’re dead. I kind of…forgot for a second there. Heh.”

“Err…yeah. See you. Please, take good care of my child,” the ghost replied.

“Don’t worry,” the man said with a smile, though it was something to worry about, leaving a child with such an intimidating man. Ah, but the Gastly had no choice. This guy was the only human being who entered this forest, and he did not run away at first sight of the ghost.

The man picked up the crying baby, Jason, from the grassy ground. As the Gastly turned around and disappeared into the beautiful forest, the middle-aged man turned the opposite way, holding the baby, who was still screeching so horribly it made even the tough man cringe at these sounds.

“This kid needs some discipline,” the man whispered softly, weak from the shrieks of the skinny baby boy. He exited the forest temporarily to drop the boy off at his home in front of the forest. Why he would leave a baby boy alone in such hot weather was unknown. Maybe he was not thinking right due to the heat. “Discipline,” he repeated again.

That’s it. Discipline.

He would teach this baby the ways of karate. The boy would learn discipline, and how to defend himself from enemies. He would make this baby so skilled, that he would be as powerful, no, more powerful than the man himself!

“Kid, Jason. I’m your teacher from now on. I’ll be your karateka, and teach you the art of karate. Address me as…Sensei. Nice ring to it, if I do say so myself.”

It made no sense to say all this in front of a baby who could not even speak or walk. But, the man could feel the potential radiating from the boy. Call it karateka instinct, but this kid was destined to learn, practice, and master karate.

Then, the boy did the unthinkable. He spoke a single word, albeit very slowly. “S…en…sei?”

“Whoa. This guy’s great,” the man said, smiling at the fact that “Sensei” was his first word. This word would be what this skinny, abandoned baby would be saying for a long time, after all.

The story begins 12 years later:
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Last edited by Kick the Moon; 07-05-2009 at 03:25 AM.
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:23 AM
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Default Re: Sensei and Jason [NWC] [Unfinished]

Chapter One: Rage


A wooden, brown dojo in the forest, a sort of school used for training in self defense arts such as karate, was built by the man himself as soon as he decided to teach Jason karate. It was completed when Jason was five years old and, coincidentally, learned to walk and talk. It was built in the exact place where Jason was found twelve years ago, on the ground and crying loudly. The dojo would be where the man, Sensei, would train Jason. Why not use the forest to practice karate? As a karateka, a teacher of karate, he felt that it would be better to train the boy in the safety of a dojo, even one built as crudely as this. He decided, however, that whenever Jason would earn the highest rank of belt, black, he was ready to train in the harsh forest with the man.

Sensei had changed over the past twelve years. Not by how he looked, however. His appearance hardly changed. He still looked the same from twelve years ago, with his unruly black hair, thick eyebrows, and huge muscles, but he had shaved off his mustache and beard. He changed the look in his eyes changed. They did not look as cold. They shone brightly now, like he was happy about something. The intimidating man had grown softer. He raised Jason with care, with love. In his eyes, the boy he raised as his own was like a son to him. He was proud to have raised such a child. He was proud to have taught him so many things. Sensei was…proud of Jason.

“Okay Jason, time for a small water break. After this, get your gloves and we’ll go ahead and spar.”

“Osu!”

Jason walked to his water bottle on the upper-right corner of the wooden dojo. He picked up the Aquafina bottle, unscrewed the white cap, and drank thirstily. After he gulped down about half of the water, he stopped. Jason took a deep breath. He wiped his tanned skinned forehead, brimming with sweat, with the sleeve of his white, wraparound gi, and scratched his black, unruly hair. He readjusted his brown belt, which was starting to fall down to his lightweight white pants, and thought quietly, “One more belt. I’m almost a black belt. I can do this.”

Sensei and Jason looked almost exactly alike. They wore white gi, had black, unruly hair, and were tanned skinned. However, they were, of course, some differences. Jason’s eyebrows were thinner than the man’s was, and the boy’s eyes looked around playfully.

Jason bent down another time, and picked up his white sparring gloves from the ground. He put his right fingers into the hole of one sparring glove, and did the same to the left. The boy walked up to Sensei, who had fitted his gloves on as well.

“Ready, Jason?” the man asked.

“Osu!” Jason said. The word “Osu” is more of an expression that could be interpreted as, “I know I am not at full power, but I will try my best.”

“I’m not gonna go easy on you this time, kid. BOW AND BEGIN!”

Both people bowed at each other, as a show of respect. Then, they got ready to fight. Jason pulled his right foot back and put his hands, in fists, in front of him, left one in front. Sensei did the same, and closed in on his opponent. The man tried to punch Jason’s nose with his left hand, but the fast boy blocked the punch by pulling his hands up towards his face, covering it. However, Sensei had predicted this, and threw a powerful punch, with his right hand, directly to Jason’s stomach. Jason clutched his stomach in pain, and the powerful man took this opportunity to throw a flurry of punches at Jason’s unguarded face. Jason tried to retaliate, kicking the man’s thighs, but he couldn’t handle the beating, and fell to the floor in pain.

“Looks like I’m still too good for you kid. But, you did well today. I’m proud of you,” the man said with a smirk. “Now, stand up.”

Jason got up slowly, clearly still in pain.

The man noticed this, and said, “Okay, enough practice for today. Good job.”

“Osu!” Jason said, relieved that he could rest now.

The man thought for a few seconds, looking at the kid he had raised, before telling him, “Hmm, come to the dojo, say, thirty minutes earlier, tomorrow. That’s 10:30 AM. I’ve got something special to give you that day. Don’t forget!”

“Don’t worry, Sensei, I won’t forget! I swear to God, or may this dojo and the entire forest be burned to a crisp by a wildfire,” Jason said excitedly. Was he finally getting his black belt tomorrow?

“Now, now, don’t say that. What if this forest really burned down? Anyway, let’s head home, kid.”

“Okay. And don’t be so paranoid, Sensei.”

They both exited the forest and entered Sensei’s one-story, black-roofed house in front of the forest. There was not much in the house besides a kitchen and two bedrooms. They walked on the tan colored wood floor of the house, passing the clean, white kitchen, containing a microwave, oven, refrigerator, stove, and dining table with two chairs, until finally stopping at the far end of the house, where two rooms, right by each other, were.

“Good night, Sensei,” Jason said, and yawned sleepily.

“You too. Don’t forget, kid!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

And with that, the man and boy, who were like father and son, went to their respective bedrooms, Sensei on the left, Jason on the right one. They had not even changed out of their gi, but still, they both took a long-needed rest.

He said he would not forget. But he did.

***
The man looked at Jason, who was sleeping soundly in his brown, king-sized bed, disappointedly. He picked up Jason’s blue digital alarm clock, which was on the brown, square table next to the bed, and checked the alarm. 11:00 AM.

“You really did forget. No matter how much I wanted to give it to you, I couldn’t. I thought maybe today would be the day, but I guess…I guess I was just being dumb. If only you remembered…” Sensei sighed loudly. “Looks like you’re not getting that black belt today, kid. Maybe next time, you’ll be more responsible and wake up when you’re supposed to.”

Sensei looked at Jason, with sad eyes, one last time, before exiting his house and walking to the dojo, where he would wait for the kid to wake up and come here.

***
“Oh, God! I forgot to set my alarm to 10:30!”

Jason jumped out of bed hurriedly, still wearing his gi. Frantically, he stretched his legs and arms before rushing out of the house, knocking down a black chair in the kitchen in the process. The boy even forgot to put on his shoes.

“Oh no, I’m late! What will Sensei do to me? And what was that thing he wanted to give me today? I’m dead meat,” Jason was thinking out loud, and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. Quickly, he wiped them away with the sleeve of his gi.

He walked towards the forest, with no idea of the tragedy that befell just a few minutes earlier.

***

As Jason approached the forest, he smelled something peculiar.

“What is that? It smells like something’s…burning. It’s coming from the forest,” Jason said, looking up. The sky was full of gray smoke, coming from the direction of the dojo. He stopped for a moment to think what the cause of this could be. “Oh, it’s probably just Sensei cooking something. He never was a good cook, so the smell could be him burning something. Maybe that’s why he wanted me to come early, to help him cook. But, why is he cooking in the forest? Couldn’t he have just done this thing outside the house?” Jason said, blurting out his thoughts unconsciously. “Wait…he only cooks on special occasions. Every other day is take-out, take-out, and more take-out. Could it be that…I’m getting my black belt today? Yeah, it’s possible…oh my God! It is possible!” Jason said, and then slapped himself on his cheek in his imagination. “With all this excitement, I almost forgot that I was late. Well, looks like we’re not having practice today, so it won’t matter, right? Guess I’ll go now,” he thought, and, finally, walked into the tree-filled forest, with a wide grin planted on his face.

Sensei, cooking in the primarily green forest? What a stupid conclusion, completely off of what actually happened. Now in the forest and heading towards the dojo, Jason would realize how wrong he was very soon.

The first thing he felt was the sudden rise in temperature. It was much hotter now than it was a few moments ago. The boy, however, chose to ignore it, thinking it was the doing of the bright sun again. Walking further, though, was when he came to realize that the temperature rise was a warning sign, telling him that it would be best not to go any further. But he interpreted this a tad too late. The sorrowful nightmare had already begun, and Jason had, unknowingly, become a part of it.

***
There was nothing Jason, in his power, could do to stop it. The scorching hot flames crackled, almost sinisterly, as they continued to spread from tree to tree, making ashes of whatever was touched. Eventually, the entire forest would no longer exist. It would be destroyed by the sudden wildfire. In a single day, a piece of nature, important to the economy of the island of Kosika, and the lives of a massive amount of creatures living in the forest, pokemon, would disappear. What a cruel world.

But all of that didn’t matter to Jason right now. All that mattered was that the crude-looking dojo Sensei had worked five years of his life to build was destroyed. Burnt to a giant pile of black ashes in a matter of seconds.

“What happened? The dojo…how…how did this happen?” Jason could not believe it. “Oh no. Sensei! Where’s Sensei? Could he have…died?” He looked around frantically, before sighing. “I have to calm down. He’s okay, he’s okay. He probably escaped the forest safely. Question is, where is he right now?” the boy said. He turned around to go look for the man, and that’s when he saw them.

On his right was a pair of burned legs, unmoving. Upon closer observation, Jason found that it was a human being’s legs. He inched closer to them, and saw that it was not only a pair of legs that were charred and black, it was an entire body. Only one part of the human was not burned, and that was the head. But, it was all Jason needed to figure out who the victim was.

His untouched face was wet with sweat, and his ears were tiny, like elf ears. The eyes of the victim, which had only recently begun to lose its cold look, were shut, and would stay shut forever, or at least until the fire consumed his face as well. Jason stared at Sensei’s unmoving face, tears trickling down from his eyes. “He’s…dead. He really is. Why? Why did this day have to come? Oh, Sensei!” The truth struck his heart like needles. He put his face on the man’s. The tears would not stop coming down. He would have stayed like this, wondering why time was still moving, why the world was still revolving, and been consumed by the wildfire, but, he saw something in the dead man’s hand. A small piece of white paper that had, miraculously, not been touched by the fire.

Jason took the piece of paper, and saw that there were words on it. Careful not to get his tears on it, he read the big words written on it.

“JASON: LIVE A GREAT LIFE. BURY MY BODY HERE IF YOU CAN PLEASE. P.S. THIS IS FOR YOU. –SENSEI”

The boy squeezed the piece of paper tightly in his hands, crumpling it in the process. Sensei’s final words to Jason. A sort of will if you may. He wanted Jason to have something, but what was it? Tears still running down his cheeks uncontrollably, he looked around for the gift Sensei had left, hoping it had not already turned to ash.

“I think this is it,” Jason exclaimed after a few moments of looking, sniffing sadly. Somewhere to the right of Sensei’s right arm was an item. Jason, who finally stopped crying, walked over to them and picked it up with his left hand. It was in near-perfect condition, except for the small amount of dirt marking the white, bottom half of the ball with a few light brown spots. However, the red, top half was not dirty whatsoever. A gray line a full 360 degrees around the middle part of the circle separated the red half from the white half. In the middle of this gray line was a small, circular button, also gray, which could be pressed on.

“So, this ball is the final gift he gave me,” Jason said, not caring what it was or what it did, because all that mattered was that it was a parting gift. He looked up at the sky, looking up at Heaven perhaps, and said, “Don’t worry Sensei, I will protect this with my life!” He read the piece of paper one last time and shouted proudly to the Heavens, “OSU, SENSEI!” It was time to go home.

Or so he thought.

Maybe it happened when he was grieving the man’s death. Or, was it when he was reading the note, or observing the gift that a pokemon began to nibble on Sensei’s burned and dead body?

It resembled a puppy, with its orange ears perked up, and the orange fur and black stripes on its back. It’s belly, tail, and part of the fur on top of its head was the color of cream. The small pointed teeth of the pokemon munched hungrily on Sensei’s charred left arm, the skin of the arm already ripped off revealing his red insides. The puppies black dog-like nose and cream colored snout was wet with red liquid. Blood.

What perfect timing to turn around. If he had only left the forest earlier, he would not have to have done this. But it was too late for that now. Jason turned and saw the puppy nibbling at the man’s dead body. He shooed away the pokemon quickly. He wanted Sensei’s body untouched, because hopefully the fire would not eat it up, and he could bury the carcass, in the forest, as he wanted it to be, in memory of the man.

However, as Jason got ready to bury Sensei, he noticed the puppy pokemon that he shooed away was right next to him, and it did something strange. It exhaled a small blast of red-hot fire to the ground.

“You breathe…fire? Fire? Could it have been you who did this? WAS IT YOU WHO CAUSED THE FIRE THAT DESTROYED THE DOJO AND KILLED SENSEI?” Jason screamed fiercely at the puppy that he thought was the source of the wildfire. After all, it was possible. But there was no proof; the boy was doing it again. Making stupid assumptions. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE, YOU DAMN PUPPY? YOU KILLED A CRAPLOAD OF ANIMALS, AND MY SENSEI! WHAT THE **** DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU, HUH?” Jason couldn’t hold it in. He let his anger explode, and he said what he thought. “Do you know the punishment for this sort of thing? Death. I’m going to kill you,” Jason said, smiling maniacally at the puppy, before looking back at the man’s dead body. “Sorry Sensei, looks like your burial is delayed for a little while.”

A crime only punishable by death. As he inched closer and closer to the innocent pokemon he had accused of causing this chaos, there were only two words left on his mind.

Revenge. Kill.

***
The fire was still raging, wreaking havoc in the forest. However, Jason did not care at all. All he cared about was teaching the puppy a lesson. He had gone berserk. Anger had taken complete control of him. “ Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” He laughed maniacally. “Time to pay your toll, damn puppy.”

The pokemon was cowering in fear. It was only a baby, and the scary adult looked angrily at it. What had it done? It did not know, but it knew that something bad was going to happen if it did not defend itself from the attacker. But how?

Walking over to the pitiful pokemon, Jason took his fighting stance, right foot back and hands up, throwing a low roundhouse kick at the defenseless puppy. The blow hit the underside of the pokemon.

The puppy slid on the ground, wheezing in pain from the attack. It coughed up a small amount of dark-red blood on to the brown ground.

Jason laughed hysterically at the gruesome sight. “How’s it feel, huh?” the boy said, taunting the opponent.

The puppy took this time to retaliate. It shakily stood up, still hurt from the attack, and got ready to charge. It threw a powerful Tackle, ramming its furry body onto Jason’s leg.

The blow made Jason lose balance, but he managed to stay up and not fall. “Ooh, attacking me now, huh? This’ll be good, ******* puppy. Time to get serious.”

The boy walked over to the injured pokemon. The Tackle hurt the puppy more than it hurt Jason. He was too powerful for it to handle. It didn’t stand a chance against such a foe. Today would be its last stand. Unless… The puppy began to crawl slowly to a nearby fire.

Jason, however, picked up the puppy by the neck, recklessly, with his free hand. He was still holding the red and white ball Sensei had given him with the other hand. He tightened his grip on the innocent pokemon’s neck, trying to suffocate it. But, he had a better idea. He held the puppy, still trying to strangle it, over a nearby fire. He stared at the puppy directly in its eyes, a big grin forming across his face. “Time to die. Bye.”

With that, he let go of his grip on the puppy, dropping it into the heat. There was a gigantic smile on his face. “Ha ha. I did it. I avenged you, Sensei. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha!” He looked at the gift in his hands. “Time to give you a proper funeral, now,” Jason said, turning away from the fire that he thought had burned the puppy to ashes.

Little did he know that the pokemon did not turn to ash. In fact, it was not hurt one bit. It thrived in this kind of heat. The puppy absorbed heat from the fire, until nothing was left. It was fully healthy again. The heat also had another helpful effect on the puppy besides healing it. The powerful breath of fire, that the puppy could only conjure up when at full health, would be even more powerful. Although it could only do it once, it would be powerful enough to destroy even the finest steel. The pokemon began to charge the fire, the flames inside of it whirring, wanting to get out. This was its final chance to live. If this missed, it was all over.

All the while, Jason was busy digging a grave for the man. Despite all the fire and smoke around the forest that threatened to consume him, he was happy. “You’re the best, Sensei. I will live a good life, just like you said. And I’ll take care of the gift, too. I promise,” he said, pointing to the gift, on the ground right next to him.

The attack was ready, and Jason had turned his back from it, thinking it had died. This was the perfect time to release it. The puppy turned a dark red, before releasing a gigantic spiraling blast of orange-red fire from its mouth. The blast was extremely hot, the forest fire would be like a small ember compared to this, and about two times bigger than the puppy itself. The fire moved in a straight path to Jason. He was going to turn to ashes, just like he thought the pokemon had. But of course, it missed.

Instead, it had hit the gift Sensei had given Jason, turning it to nothing instantly, not even black ash, and no trace of it was left. The flames continued on, hitting a tree and setting it on fire, before the puppy stopped releasing it. It collapsed in exhaustion and disbelief. The attack missed. How could it miss at such a crucial time as this? That was its final card. The attack had drained so much energy out of it, it couldn’t even move. All the pokemon could do now was wait until the boy took away its short-lived life.

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Last edited by Kick the Moon; 07-05-2009 at 03:27 AM.
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:24 AM
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Default Re: Sensei and Jason [NWC] [Unfinished]

Jason stared at the pokemon, his mouth hanging open. “I…you…I killed you! How come you’re still alive? And what was that…that flame? You were gonna kill me with that, huh? Ha! Too bad, it missed me by this much,” Jason said, using his hand to depict how close the flame was to hitting him. “Wait,” he looked at where the flame had hit. It was the exact place he left the gift. But, the red and white ball was gone. “Shit! You destroyed Sensei’s gift. ****! ****! ****! Now I have another reason to kill you. But this time, I’m not throwing you in the fire. I’m sitting on you. Ha ha ha!”

He walked over to the exhausted pokemon, and sat down on it, crushing it with his weight.

It tried gasping for air, but couldn’t get any. The puppy was going to suffocate.

“Ah, this feels good. Your fur is so soft, ******* puppy,” Jason said, looking up at the sky and laughing coldly.


That’s when he saw it. He had never noticed it up until now, the active volcano that had never erupted since he was born. Though today, it had burst. Red lava was still seeping down the black sides of the volcano, sliding down into the forest. Why hadn’t he noticed before? The volcano was the source of the fire. Not the innocent puppy he was sitting on.

“What have I done? I’m stupid, I’m so stupid. I hurt an innocent little puppy. Why?” Jason asked the puppy, slowly getting off the puppy, allowing it to breath, and looking at, ready to cry. “Why didn’t you tell me anything? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh my God. Oh my God!” he said, tears starting to form in his eyes.

The puppy tried to do something, maybe stand up and comfort the boy, but was too weak, and collapsed.

Jason looked at it sadly. “How can I ever make this up to you? An apology would not be enough…oh. I know you can’t just trust me after I did all this to you, but I want to raise you. I will protect you, comfort you, and treat your injuries. Just like Sensei did to me. If you’ll trust me, show me. Nod your head, move a little. Do something. Just show me that you’re not dead. But if you don’t trust me, don’t move. I’ll understand if you do that. After all, I almost killed you. What is your answer?”

Although the pokemon was weak, its ears were still functioning well. It heard all of this. But, could it trust the boy?

It decided on the answer, and…
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:26 AM
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Default Re: Sensei and Jason [NWC] [Unfinished]

If it's a capture: The Growlithe moves a little.
If not: It does not move, and is left to die. Unless I...EDIT! :D

Also, for good measure...in case you didn't see it.

Pokemon going for: Growlithe
Characters needed: 10-20k
Charecters written: 27885

Also, Nyurgh is grading this. :x
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Last edited by Kick the Moon; 07-05-2009 at 03:31 AM.
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:51 AM
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Default Re: Sensei and Jason [NWC] [Unfinished]

Introduction: The first paragraph fascinated me; I learned something about karate. It kinda gave karate the poetic stance it rightfully deserves, Master Miyagi would be pleased. Hell, the entire introduction had this strange aura to it. A lone martial arts master, an orpan child, and the soul of the departed parent. You took an interesting turn with Gastly, I was quite impressed by it. Good job.

Plot: Wow, I expected something from this story, and you failed to disappoint. A twelve-year old brown belt - Jason - and his sensei are having an innocent sparring match. Still being young, Jason naturally got the crap kicked out of him. That's when sensei gave him a request to enter the dojo early the next morning: for his black belt. Jason failed to do this, much to the dismay of sensei, but when the boy finally awoke, tragedy struck. The dojo sensei worked so hard to build... burnt down, with himself as well. Jason's only reason for not letting the fire destroy him as well, was a single message from sensei: “JASON: LIVE A GREAT LIFE. BURY MY BODY HERE IF YOU CAN PLEASE. P.S. THIS IS FOR YOU. –SENSEI” and as a final gift... Jason received a single Pokeball. At that moment, an unfortunate puppy - Growlithe, the Fire-type - made an appearance. That is when the battle took place...

Description: Your description was great. The entire story seemed to have this strange essence about it. The way you described sensei in the introduction, and the way you described Growlithe's attacks, incredible. I also liked how you described the martial arts stance, and the various strikes that took place. Instead of leaving us with "sensei punched Jason", you described where, when, how. I'm impressed.

Grammar: There was one major detail(nothing huge): "Pokemon" needs a capital "P", because the term is a proper noun. Also in the phrase

Quote:
Of course, he lived close by,
The bolded comma is not needed, so it should look like:

Quote:
Originally Posted by this
Of course he lived close by, the only person brave enough to have a house in front of a forest with an active volcano, and came here for a little while each day.
In that instance you're saying something along the lines of: Damn straight he lives close by, he is the only person brave enough to...

Other than that, I had no issues here.

Length: 28,620... Growlithe is a Medium-Ranked Pokemon, so therefore... Big-time Success here.

Battle: The battle was fine. Jason vs. Growlithe, it was kinda one-sided though. Why didn't Growlithe attempt any weaker Fire-type attacks? Was it simply because it was too young? Still, ingenius use of Flash Fire. It would've hurt you a lot if Growlithe died in the fire. It was good enough.

Outcome: Everything was great. I think I covered everything I felt needed to be covered.

Growlithe Captured! You kept me waiting, but I have to say it was worth it. Good luck in the New Writer's Competition.
__________________

VPP: Giratina, Level100 @ 4,554

Last edited by Gokudera-Kun; 07-05-2009 at 04:41 AM.
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