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03-11-2004, 02:15 AM

03-11-2004, 08:47 AM
Story: It was fine at first, but you rushed into the battle quickly. You should have like, let a day or two pass, describe what happened during the few days instead of just meeting a Cyndaquil like that.

Another thing: Where exactly are you? :silenced:

Grammar: Poor. Very poor. Capitalize names and first letter of each sentence. Don't overuse capital letters and exclamation marks in speeches, they make your story looks messy.

Details: Poor. Describe your surroundings, describe how you feel when you're battling, describe practically everything you can. Use lots of suitable adverbs and adjectives, they help your story a lot.

Reality: Why would a Cyndaquil throw coconuts at you with no reason, anyway?

Battle: Barely enough. You need a much, much longer battle than this for Cyndaquil. Throw in LOTS of adverbs and adjectives, describing your Pokemon and your oppoent after they made a move. Also, don't just shout attacks, maybe get your mon to do some stunts like climbing up a tree and firing attacks from there, which makes the battle much more exciting.

Outcome: Cyndaquil not captured!

Jack of Clovers
03-12-2004, 10:27 PM
since it's your first story, it would be nice to know a little about the character (ex. looks, background...etc.)

capitalize Pokemon names

the battle is good.

next time, more story, improved detail. this will make it longer.

Outcome- Cyndaquil Caught!