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Ataro
02-02-2008, 04:59 AM
The wind made the tree rustled, sweeping a gentle breeze across the forest, sending chills up people’s sleeve. The forest was a dense green one, almost like a rain forest, except that it has been ‘dried’. He took a small step at a time, being as stealthy as he could. Then, he stepped on a dried up yellow leave, the cracking sound buzzed around the surroundings, with birds taking flight out of fright from the sudden noise. He was a careless one. No matter how hard he tried to be careful, it would always fail. Call it his nature, perhaps?

Ataro lifted up his foot, which was tucked in a black converse shoe, not exactly the best material made for traveling in the woods. He continued walking, looking around, resembling a criminal. But what would be a thief be doing in the forest? Could he be stealing trees? No, he is not a Pokemon trainer, well he is actually, but he’s not in the forest to catch Pokemon today. Ataro is a photographer, taking pictures is his job. His assignment today is to take various shots of different specimens of flowers, as well as living creatures.

The black camera was hanged loosely onto his neck, resting on his white cotton shirt. Suddenly, a Weedle appeared from one of the bushes on the left, crawling to the opposite with its tiny ‘legs’. Ataro quickly moved his hand to the camera, and hold it. He went closer to have a closer and nicer shot, adjusting his camera into different points of view. His finger rested on a black round button, ready to click it anytime now. The button was pressed down now, as the sound of a click echoed. To Ataro’s dismay, he had forgotten to switch off the flash. The flash flickered so brightly, right in front of Weedle, shocking it so much that it turned around, and spit out various purple strings of sting from its mouth.

The poison splashed right onto the camera’s lens, soiling it with purple stains. After that, the tiny bug quickly ran off into the bush. He lifted up his hand to his backpack on his back, and pulled out a small squarish yellow cloth. Wiping the lens as gently as he could, he folded the towel back nicely, covering up the poison.

There was a pink flower ahead that led Ataro to it. He raised the camera again, and prepared to push the button. He focused on the pollen, the middle of the flower only, and turned off the flash. The ‘click’ sound rang again, and he walked off with a tiny brim of satisfactory smile, still looking for more shots. His eyes wandered around, before locking onto a yellow one. This one was rather unique, as the flower curled at the top, and the bottom was covered up by other flowers.

Ataro took a few steps closer, and prepared to take a photo of it, then pushing aside the other flower to take a full view. He bent down, and rested on his ankle, focusing onto the so called yellow flower. Just as he was about to push the button, the yellow flower moved. It got larger and was totally enormous in Ataro’s view, well, the camera’s zooming view. He got his eyes off the camera and looked at the growing flower. It popped out, and a flower was pushed out from it. Ataro jumped back alarmed, dropping the camera on the ground. The sound of the lens cracking echoed through the forest. Ataro gasped as he saw what was before him. It wasn’t a flower, it wasn’t any plant, and it was a Pokemon!

“D-droww-zeeeee!”

The chubby yellow Pokemon skipped out from its earlier placement and stared at Ataro. The Drowzee thinks that he wanted to attack it actually with the camera and is starting to get offensive with him. Ataro stepped back forward, with Drowzee getting closer to him.

“Fine!” He yelled, and flung a Pokeball from his belt. The round ball that always reminds people of a coconut popped, letting out the string of white flash. The bright spectrum of gleam evolved into a Pokemon that had outlines of purple color. The monkey let out shrieks of ‘eek’ and ‘ooh’ as it jumped around, showing its shape and body. It had a head that lengthened into two round ears at the corner side of its face, while its hair stood upright in a spiky hairstyle. The small eyes of it blinked as it jumped onto Drowzee, while the tails that resembled puffy hands flanked the Drowzee’s face.

“Drowww…” it groaned painfully, as it got two hits of Ambipom’s long tail.

The trainer flung out his round sphere onto the Drowzee, that was about to hit the Pokemon’s head. Suddenly, from the side of the Pokeball, a beam that was in the color of mystical pink shot through, and deflected the Pokeball, breaking it into half. The orb dropped on the ground hard, as the whole of it separated into two halves.

Drowzee smirked at its strategy to use Future Sight earlier when it got hit by Ambipom’s Double Hit. The yellow snout that protruded out of Drowzee’s face spouted out a gas that looked like lavender flowers, enveloping the surprised Ambipom in the toxic gas.

The original Ambipom which had outlines of purple along its body, while the face, body and the end of its tail had shades of milky white, started to turn violet color in that venom gas. Ambipom coughed, balancing itself by resting the two tails of it on the floor.

Drowzee’s snout got from its usual curly fashion to a straight muzzle, sort of like a bizarre, sticking out portion of its face. It raised its hand, one near the face and the other one just below its chin, moving it a little from time to time. Soon, a projectile of a red crosshair could be seen clearly, as Drowzee stared deep into Ambipom’s eyes.

“Ambipom, quickly use Taunt on Drowzee to prevent sleep!” Ataro shouted suddenly, slapping Ambipom from its earlier drowsiness where it was about to sleep, into pure hyper activeness for a while.

The monkey jumped around Drowzee, teasing it with its tails and hands, while pulling a face in front of Drowzee. The earlier serious-looking Drowzee cracked a smile and lost its focus. The crosshair panel disappeared with the snout of its dropping down into the curly position.

While Drowzee was still grinning from ear to ear, Ambipom dropped onto the ground. Although the Taunt has been performed, it was still poisoned, and it was only getting worst as time passes.

“Ambipom, boost the power of Swift with your ability, Technician!”

The monkey jumped up again, trying to hide away the painfulness of the toxic lingering in its blood from Ataro, so as to not disappoint him. The two tails of it leaped in front of Drowzee, and let out bullets of yellow shuriken stars from its two tails. Aipom can only release Swift with one tail, but with evolution, Ambipom has two tails which doubled the power of Swift with two tails. While swinging in mid-air, the stars got bigger gradually as well, utilizing the ability of Technician.

Drowzee, pre-evolution of Hypno shut its eyes tight calmly, which is rather hard for a situation like this. Its thoughts and feelings calmed down, as it meditated in a peaceful manner. It slowly levitated above the ground, and floated, while the Swift went below it, missing the target. Drowzee opened its eyes again, and from its current floating spot, it turned into a spinning bullet before getting itself in a streamlined position again, but still directing towards Ambipom. The speed of it only increased with the spinning movements, as it launched its Zen Headbutt, powered with its heightened attack power from the earlier Meditate which had the ability to focus and raises strength.

Ambipom was about to get hit, without time to dodge, when like the earlier Future Sight, the same thing happen, but to Drowzee this time. The Swift attacks that Drowzee managed to duck earlier, didn’t went out of target. It instead missed the Pokemon and came back in for a return attack, sort of like a boomerang.

Knowing that Swift won’t miss unless certain special moves are used, Ataro purposely ordered his Ambipom to use that. The Drowzee was shot from the back, hitting it out of target from Ambipom, making it collapse to the ground.

“Let’s paralyze it, for an easier capture!”

The Ambipom heeded its trainer’s command, and released a weak jolt of electricity from one of its tails. The thread of shockwaves went towards Drowzee, preparing to tie itself up into a circle upon contact, sending the Thunder Wave through Drowzee’s body, paralyzing it.

The target however stared hard at the electric attack, and moved its hands mystically again. Suddenly, the Thunder Wave paused in mid-air, as if time had stopped for it, whilst dropping onto the ground. The Disable attack not only stopped that attack, but caused troubles for that monkey as well. Ambipom stood there immobilized, as it tried to moved, only to get immobilized temporary.

“Ambipom!”

It tried to move even harder after its trainer pleads, before starting to swing its tails stiffly.

“You can do it!”

Ataro encouraged his Pokemon even more, when it got out of that disabled stance, and got back into battle posture. Regaining its pose, the Ambipom lifted its head to look at Drowzee, only to get aimed by a peculiar ray in the color of hot pink. The Psybeam had a direct hit, while Ambipom tried to stand back up, then tumbling back on the ground with a bewildered look on its face.

Drowzee grinned at the confusion of Ambipom, projecting itself into a steam lined aerial flight. It rode the wind with its body, while the fluffy hair on its head between the small pointed ears jumbled up in the breeze caused by the speedy change.

“Ambipom, c’mon! Give it your best shot, Shadow Ball!”

The trainer looked so tense and worried, fearing that if Ambipom was still confused, he will get hit by that Zen Headbutt and will faint. It was his first and last Pokemon. Ataro didn’t know what it will do without Ambipom, and Ambipom had already tried to win the battle for him. His starter Pokemon had bruises and scraps on its face and body, as it still wandered around on the ground, even struggling to stand up straight, while wearing the bizarre smile as its facial expression.

The Pokemon took a while to react to its trainer’s command, before starting to swing its tail. The two tails swayed around playfully, clasping together clumsily, charging up energy. A small globe of dark energy formed into a hollow ball, preparing to be shot out.

The Drowzee only got closer and closer, as it was just a few inches away from Ambipom. Ambipom, still confused, tried to project the Shadow Ball, only with the two tails sinking down slowly, about to drop the Shadow Ball onto itself.

“Try your best; I know you can do it!” Ataro shouted more, while straining its eyes onto Ambipom’s tails.

The tails of it rose upon Ataro’s speech. While still shaking around confused, the tails of that Ambipom flung straight out, shooting the Shadow Ball with fast velocity. Drowzee was so close to Ambipom, as the feathery hair of it almost touched Ambipom’s tails. The globe of void ball propelled onto Drowzee, knocking it off without even letting it have contact upon Ambipom. Drowzee was sent off, casting it onto a thick tree trunk, and then sliding back onto the ground.

It sure looked scrawny and anemic, as it closed its eyes, but not to perform an attack, it was just too tired. Ambipom got over its confusion and fell onto the ground, drained of its energy as well.

“Ambipom, you did very well, I’m proud of you!” Ataro gave his Pokemon a good comfort, before returning it to its Pokeball first. “Now, its time for you!”

With that being said, a new Pokeball was hurled towards Drowzee, giving it a light knock on its belly, sucking it into the orb with a ray of spectrum.

----

Drowzee; 11k

Splishee
02-02-2008, 11:08 AM
Here's your grade! Enjoy!

Plot

A photographer named Ataro is exploring through a forest, looking for some great shots. This isn’t a surprise, as rainforests have some of the most beautiful flora in the world.. But then he comes across a Drowzee. The Pokemon starts to fight him, so they have a heated battle.

Overall, not the most creative plot around. It’s the classic forest story, but I liked how you gave him a real reason for wandering aimlessly into a forest; he was a photographer. It was a nice twist, so kudos for that. So, it’s definitely good enough for a medium level Pokemon. Most of your story was the actual battle, which is fine, but be warned; if this story technique is not written right, it can be quite out there for the reader, not really given a chance to get ‘into’ the story. But you did it pretty well, so there was no real confusion.. So well done. However, I’m a little astounded as to what a Drowzee, a typical city Pokemon, was doing in a rainforest. :S

Introduction

Very nicely written, I liked how you introduced the beauty of the forest to us firstly, not just giving us a blunt description of the main character, doing something obvious in an obvious place. Your descriptions are vivid and I can picture every move of your character, but, unfortunately, I can’t picture Ataro himself.

You may think I’m a hypocrite, as I had just said that I liked that you didn’t bluntly say the characters appearance, but I would have liked if you had incorporated his appearance into it. All I got out of your introduction was that he was wearing a cream-coloured shirt with a camera dangling down his neck. Heck, I couldn’t even tell what the camera looked like. I was left wondering what Ataro looked like, and what age he was. I pictured a middle age man in a swanky outfit and a balding hairstyle, but was that what you wanted to portray Ataro as? I liked how you described his shirt, making it flow with the story nicely, not just putting it out there with no creativity. So it’s disappointing you didn’t incorporate some of his other looks in this way, as it would have made me more pleased with your story.

Length
Roughly 11.5 K. Yeah, it’s okay. However, it’s only just above the area you want to go for if you’re after a Drowzee (which should be 10 - 20 thousand characters). I would suggest aiming somewhere in the middle, roughly 15 K if you want to secure the capture.

Grammar

Your grammar was good in the sense of punctuation, but your main area in need of improvement was the use of present/past/future tense. You continuously mixed those up, which makes your sentences confusing to read. I suggest that you try to get rid of this habit, as this brings your story quality down greatly. It’s disappointing, because your grammar is overall great, it’s just your sentence structures.

More specifically, here are some examples:

The Drowzee thinks that he wanted to attack it actually with the camera and is starting to get offensive with him.

You mixed up both present and past tense verbs here. Read through it carefully. Does it really make sense? You said that the Drowzee thinks (present tense) that Ataro wanted (past tense) to attack it. This is confusing and muddles the reader’s mind up. Really, it should have been:

“The Drowzee thought[B] that he wanted to attack it with the camera, and [B]was starting to get offensive with him.”

Easier to process, yeah? I fixed it up so the entire text was past tense, but it could have been present tense also. But the majority of your story is in past tense, so you should be consistent with that throughout the entire story.

Ambipom stood there immobilized, as it tried to moved, only to get immobilized temporary.

This is an awkward sentence with many word issues. I’m guessing that most of these are typos, but 2 in one sentence can’t really have a good enough excuse for poor grammar.

“Ambipom stood there, immobolized, as it tried to move, only to get immobilized temporarily.”

I added in a comma because, grammatically, it should have been there.

The wind made the tree rustled, sweeping a gentle breeze across the forest, sending chills up people’s sleeve.

This is your very first sentence in the story, so it really shouldn’t be such a confusing grammatical error. It really shouldn’t. Firstly, the very first sentence is awkward. ‘The tree rustled’ would be fine, but adding that part about the wind making it rustle would make the sentence have more sense if you had put ‘The wind made the tree rustle’. I think it would have been better if you had put ‘the trees’, but.. Whatever.

Secondly, you wrote ‘people’s sleeve’. People’s is a plural, meaning groups of groups of people. Very confusing to the reader, so I wouldn’t suggest putting that word in a story unless it really fits, which it doesn’t in this story. Would there really be groups of groups of people in a forest? Maybe in a city, perhaps, but in a forest that term just doesn’t fit. Being that it is a plural, ‘sleeve’ should have been ‘sleeves’.

“The wind made the trees rustle, sweeping a gentle breeze across the forest, sending chills up people’s sleeves.”

The crosshair panel disappeared with the snout of its dropping down into the curly position.

I’m not sure if this is a grammar issue, a typo or you left a word out, but this sentence is strangely constructed and I thought that you should know about it. I don’t understand what was dropping, and what exactly the curly position was? I’m just reminding you to always thoroughly double-check your work before publishing it, and these kind of awkward sentences can be avoided.

Ambipom was about to get hit, without time to dodge, when like the earlier Future Sight, the same thing happen, but to Drowzee this time. The Swift attacks that Drowzee managed to duck earlier, didn’t went out of target.

This paragraph is just awkward. There is no other word for it. It is filled with mostly past/present tense issues, which tense on which words.. Etc. Just a quick read through it when double checking could have fixed this paragraph completely.

“Ambipom was about to get hit, without time to dodge, when like the earlier Future Sight, the same thing happen, but to Drowzee this time”

I really don’t understand the sentence. It’s strangely constructed, and although I get a vague idea of what you’re trying to say, it confused me greatly. The commas are misplaced which make it all the more jumbled. It should read roughly like this:

Ambipom was about to get hit without time to dodge, when - like the earlier Future Sight - the same thing happened, but to Drowzee this time.

I added the dashes because they needed to be separate from the entire sentence. You can read that entire sentence without the part in the middle of the dashes, yes? So, that makes them extra information which need to be separate from the rest of the text, by either brackets: ( and ), commas or dashes: - . I put the dashes in to make it more clear, as commas would have just jumbled it up even more. Happen was changed to happened, because - well, it’s self explanatory. It makes more sense, and fits with the tense (which is past tense) of the sentence. Hey, that rhymes! ^_^



“The Swift attacks that Drowzee managed to duck earlier, didn’t went out of target”

Major tense problems here. I know you’re probably sick of me mentioning the word ‘tense’, but I feel that it’s the area you need to most improve on in writing. ‘Duck’ is a strange word to use in the situation, and although there’s technically nothing wrong with it, it’s just an awkward word to use. ‘Dodge’ might have been better, as it would flow more with the sentence.

‘Didn’t went out of target’? What’s that supposed to mean? I can’t stress enough how important it is to read over your work, and if you did.. You must have skipped this sentence, or you didn’t know that it was wrong. If you didn’t, I really hope you do now, because it will help you in future story writing. I think the commas are also misplaced, as it will sound smoother when they are re arranged. Like this:

The Swift attacks, that Drowzee had managed to dodge earlier, hadn’t gone out of target.

That makes more sense, yeah? I hope that what I made it seem like was what you had wanted to get across in the sentence, but if it wasn’t, I apologise.

Overall, your grammar was so-so for me. It left much to be desired. Although, you constructed most paragraphs pretty well, but just looking above will show how much you need to work on. ^_^

Description

All the grammar issues put aside, your description was excellent. It really was. You described the forest very well and I liked how you described the Pokemon’s attacks in the battle. I’ll save that for the battle section, though. :P

You were able to describe Ataro’s feelings in all of the situations he was in, and also things around him; so well done. All that said, I was disappointed with your lack of description for Ataro himself. Ironic, isn’t it? The Pokemon were described with great detail (I especially liked the description of Ambipom, I knew who it was straight away xD) but I failed to be able to picture Ataro adequately. I sometimes find myself lacking to describe my most important characters also, so I’m trying not to beat you up about it, but keep it in mind for future stories.

Although this isn’t really relevant, you referred to the Pokemon as ‘it’ most of the time. Try and allocate each Pokemon a gender, as it’s more realistic and the reader is able to identify with the characters more.

Battle

Most of your actual story was the battle, which isn’t bad.. But isn’t necessarily good either. I was left wanting more of Ataro’s adventures in the forest, taking photos of more things.. Etc etc. It was very creative how he came across the Drowzee, and I had a little giggle at that. Who knew Drowzee could be mistaken for a flower?

Anyway, now to the good bits. All of your battle was suberbly done; the attacks were described with a lot of great descriptive words and emotion. You have a very advanced style of writing, I may add. I loved how you described Taunt the best, though. It was exactly how I imagined it would be portrayed outside of the games, and more.

I really don’t have anything to suggest or correct, as the whole battle was interesting and kept me reading, not having the urge to walk away or go and watch TV(as some other stories do xD). It was kind of one sided near the end, but you kept it satisfactorily two sided, even though Ambipom is obviously much stronger than the Drowzee. Well done. ^_^

Final Outcome

Ooh, it was a close one, I assure you. The grammar and slightly unoriginal plot that brought the story down a lot.. So it was very close. Very close. But, your wonderful descriptions and awesome battle tipped the scale in the end, so.. Drowzee caught. It was close.. But it was an overall great read, so have fun with the Pokemon! ^_^

Ataro
02-02-2008, 02:21 PM
LOL, :x.

I had a good laugh while reading your grade, it was a little amusing at some sentences, about what you said, like the Drowzee part. As always, I have problems with my grammer. :o I really need to work on that.

Btw, I wanted to give the Pokemon genders by using 'him' or 'her' but it kept ending up, being written as 'it'. Guess it's a habit? Yeah, I liked how I described Taunt as well, not to be cocky, but I had a first hand experience. I had never described Taunt in stories, and it was really a good experience. Thanks for the very long grade, I love long grades if you don't know. :D