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View Full Version : A Breeder's Life


Shucklulz
02-17-2008, 08:30 PM
Story Deal, reserved for Crystal Pikachu. :)

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Targeted Pokemon: Poliwag
Difficulty: Simple
Number of Characters:
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“Now remember class, in battles, anything is possible. Be ready to use any healing items you may have. Today we will be discussing some of the ways of how to cure Poisoning.” Mr. Roberts said in a dull voice.

Alexis sighed as he listened to this boring lecture. Her bright brown eyes were watching the sealing fan above the class’ heads. She was twirling a loc of her blonde hair around her index finger and not paying attention at all to what Mr. Roberts was saying. All she could focus on was her birthday tomorrow, the day when she could begin her career as a Pokemon breeder. She had been attending the Trainer School for three months and had only heard things she knew since she was seven. She was now ten years old and perfectly capable handling any situation in this dull class.

“How anyone doesn’t know how to cure these problems is beyond me.” Alexis thought.

All Alexis ever thought about other than the rare occasion when she was paying attention in class was her eleventh birthday, and her Mareep.

She could still remember that fateful day, when that final egg had hatched on her parents’ farm. Everyone in her family had either a Rabidash or a Ponyta. Alexis was the only one who had adopted an egg from the local daycare center (in Solaceon) that had hatched into a Mareep. She loved it to death, though no one ever paid much attention to it, or her.

“Alexis!” Mr. Roberts exclaimed.

Alexis looked up,

“Huh?” She asked.

“Stop daydreaming and pay attention!” He demanded.

She leaned her head against her hand propping it upright to try and stay awake, when the bell rang.

“Class dismissed. Have fun over the weekend children.” Mr. Roberts said.

Alexis stood up; she went over to the left side of the room and grabbed her purple backpack, stuffed with trainer equipment and books. She went out of the one room schoolhouse and rushed down the hill to the daycare below.

In the fenced enclosure the back of the daycare center, she could clearly see her Mareep. Its yellow wool was bright and cream colored, its head was bright blue, and bent downwards, eating grass at its feet. Alexis rushed down to the building in front of the pasture, painted tan with a grey roof.

Alexis opened the door and walked inside, behind a desk she saw an old woman with grey hair, smiling brightly as she walked in.

“Ah, Alexis, I assume you’re here to pick up your Mareep?”

“Yes, I am.” Alexis replied.

“Excellent, would you like me to put the charges on your tab?” The woman asked.

“Yes please.” Alexis replied.

The daycare lady walked out the door behind her and three minutes later she handed Alexis a bright red Pokeball.

Alexis tossed it into the air and out of it came her Mareep. She knelt down when it ran over to her and hugged it warmly.

“Let’s go play around the pond.” Alexis said.

“Mareep!” It replied.

Alexis and Mareep walked out of the daycare and over the hill, taking them to a fork in the road, she took the right turn and walked down a pathway lined with fences on both sides. The dirt beneath her feet crunched as she walked.

When she walked past her house with her brother and father outside, grooming their new Ponyta’s like it were the most important thing in the world. Alexis’ family had always been Pokemon breeders. Every time there was a new child in the family (she was the youngest) the family would take the child to the Pokemon daycare on their third birthday, where they would choose an egg on the “adoption day” of that month. Where all the eggs that had not been wanted by their original owners would go to another person, Alexis had been lucky enough to get the last egg there, before the Daycare had closed for the night.

She and Mareep had been friends ever since, and had never been apart for more than a week. Now Alexis was questioning whether she would want more Pokemon around her, besides her Mareep. Which was why she had decided to go to the pond today, along with her breeder aspirations; the local pond was famous for having many varieties of water Pokemon.

“Easy pickings.” Alexis thought, knowing that her Mareep was an electric type.

She now had reached a small, but deep lake covered and lily pads. Occasionally one would look up and she would discover one of the lily pads was a Lotad. Some were Lombre, and some were Ludicolo. But they weren’t the Pokemon she was looking for. Now she sat on the edge of the pond and pulled an old fishing rod out of her backpack. She attached a lure onto the end of the string and dropped the end into the water. She waited, and waited, but still nothing. She had to catch a new Pokemon before her eleventh birthday, it had always been a family tradition, but not even a Magikarp showed its face to her.

Alexis sighed as she looked at her poketch, it was now five PM, and still, nothing.

Then all of a sudden, her fishing rod started moving in her hands, Mareep, who was sleeping peacefully now woke up and seemed to urge Alexis to pull on the rod.

Alexis pulled with all her might, but the Pokemon still struggled to stay underwater. She pulled harder, and this time the Pokemon was flung out of the water and landed a few feet from her. It was a Poliwag, just what she had wanted! The Poliwag was blue and it had a long black spiraling pattern on its white stomach, turning leftwards. Its bright black eyes looked up at Alexis, now was her chance to strike.

“Go Mareep!” Alexis exclaimed.

“Mareep!” Mareep bleated.

“Use Thunder Wave!” Alexis commanded.

Mareep started charging a weak electric attack and fired it at the Poliwag.

It smacked the electric bolt with it’s tail and sent it right back, it hit the ground inches from Alexis’ foot.

“Get that Poliwag and hit it with Thundershock!” Alexis exclaimed.

Mareep sent three small bolts of lightning at the Poliwag, but again, Poliwag bounced them off. Poliwag started looking at Mareep, whenever it moved, Poliwag’s gaze followed, it’s eyes started glowing blue, then Mareep’s eyes started to glow as well. Its eyes closed and it fell to one side, asleep. It was a Hypnosis attack, and it hit.

“Poliwag!” Poliwag exclaimed, it charged at alarming speed and rushed in front of Mareep’s face. It spun around and used a Wake up Slap attack, hitting Mareep perfectly across the face.

Mareep at that instant woke up, surprised from the attack, it stood up.

Poliwag jumped up and started dancing around in circles, dark clouds started forming above their heads, and then all of a sudden, it started raining.

Poliwag jumped up and spat a small ray of bubbles, hitting Mareep and soaking it.

“Mareep, shake it off and use Thunder!” Alexis cried.

Mareep shook its head and glared at the Poliwag, then launched a gigantic bolt of electricity up into the sky that came towering down above Poliwag, causing paralysis.

Now was Alexis’ time to attempt a catch,

“Go! Pokeball!” Alexis exclaimed, and threw a Lure Ball, that was specially imported from Jhoto just for this occasion at the Poliwag. It hit it on the back and sucked it in with a blue light.

It moved left and right…

One… Two…

Crystal Pikachu
02-19-2008, 10:27 AM
Here

Plot / Introduction

This was pretty interesting, I think you provided the basics of an introduction {the charaters personal details, where he lives, his characteristics, what he looks like... etc} You could always try and spice these plots up though, this was just basically some type of "kid goes into forest and captures Pokémon" sort of thing, it was still good. You added sort of a twist with the whole being in school thing, but remember to describe the classroom by telling us about the stationary in the classroom, how the walls were, some brief information so we get the idea of what it looked like.

I think you could elaborate the plot more though, if you watch movies, read books or comics or anything, you could come up with a great plot, just don't plagiarize. You could be creative and spruce up a plot you got from a book instead of just slightly changing it. ^^; Always remember to provide everything needed when you don't have the most creative plot, it just gives you a boost for this section. Also, remember to describe the children around him, I'm sure he wasn't the only one in the classroom or the field at the time, was he? You should describe the other kids who were with him in the introduction too. In general, this section was good, well done.

Length

It was just a little bit over the minimum, but you could expand that a lot by elaborating your plot and fleshing out all your crazy adjectives and description, aswell as expanding your introduction. Remember, graders and readers love to see a little bit of extra effort in a story, as it shows you really worked hard on this. Also, it's not quantity that matters, it's the quality.

Spelling / Grammar

I can see this wasn't bad, you have a pretty good grasp of grammar all in all, so I can see you may have also proofread your story a couple of times. Just remember when your saying "Pokémon" never forget the apostrophe over the "e", as it can make people pronounce the word differently, this also goes for things Pokémon related, like "Pokémon Center", "Pokédex"and such.

Alexis was the only one who had adopted an egg from the local daycare center

"daycare" should be turned into "day-care", the "center" part is just fine though.

Its yellow wool was bright and cream colored,

If you're from Australia or somewhere, you've spelt it right, but if not then it should be "coloured".

its head was bright blue, and bent downwards, eating grass at its feet.

The word "downwards" doesn't need the "s" at the end of it, remove it as it's like a silent thing.

lexis sighed as she looked at her poketch, it was now five PM, and still, nothing.

I'm sure that you intended to write "Pokétech" instead of "poketch"?

The Poliwag was blue and it had a long black spiraling pattern on its white stomach, turning leftwards.

"spiraling" should be turned into "spiralling".

Description / Detail

This was average, I liked your adjective usage insead of using the word "yellow hair," you used the word "blonde hair", which is not what a lot of authors do. I liked how you put your descriptions, some of them were vivid while others were dull, I suggest you be imaginatave all the time when describing, it shows your paying attention to your story. I can see that you know to describe aswell, but remember, don't just focus one one or two aspects of description, try and get them all described atleast a bit, if you don't know what they are then here;

Sight, Smell, Feelings, Sounds, and Touch.

You should try and get all of these when describing, and be creative with your adjectives, no one likes the same word overused, so instead of using "loc" {as in her hair} over and over again, you could change it to something like "tail-like hair". Just be creative.

Battle

This wasn't bad, I could see you put some thought into your move combos though, lol. =P I thought your choice of moves were pretty good, but I think you could be more creative and professional with the battle, maybe try using your surroundings for an advantage, or using some item in your surroundings for an advantage, it shows off all of your creativity. Just try to make the battle two-sided, so the reader/grader doesn't get bored, if you don't know what that means, it's that both Pokémon put up a pretty good fight, which means about two attacks from each of the Pokémon at minimum. Well done on this though.

Outcome

Well, this was overall a well written story, with few grammar mistakes, and nice description, I'll have to say Poliwag Captured!