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TheEvilDookie
02-18-2008, 04:38 AM
Well here comes my first story. I never thought I was very good at writing because my teachers always seemed way too harsh. I wanna see what other people think. Anyways...

A Bit More Than Shyness

Chapter 1: Preparation
While walking out his shoddy apartment, Nate slowly zipped his jacket for the cool, foggy morning. He walked over to the stairs and held onto the railing with a firm grip to avoid slipping and humiliating himself. As he neared the end of the staircase, he took out the car keys to his year-old Jetta out of his back pocket, unlocked the doors, and stepped in.

Nate was a kind young fellow who was used to a more rural environment while growing up on his grandparents’ farm in West Virginia. He had long dark hair that reached his shoulders, pale green eyes, and almost always wore a beanie with one of his favorite band T-shirts, and a foot-long chain attached to his sagging blue jeans.

Nate turned the key in the ignition and placed his lone poke ball, which contained his loyal companion, Elekid, in the glove compartment to his right.

Just before he backed out to leave the parking lot, Nate slapped his head and shouted, “Holy crap, how in the world could I possibly forget the presents?!”

It was only two days until Christmas Eve and the one thing that Nate couldn’t possible forget at this point was to leave all of the presents for his family back at his apartment, 300 some miles away from his grandparents’ farm, the gathering point for his whole family. He quickly dashed up the staircase leading to his room. He grabbed all the presents, stacked on top of each other, and walked down the same sleazy staircase, and fell down to the bottom with each gift tumbling down right behind him.

Nate experienced a dizzy sensation when he opened his eyes again. Before everything became clear in his eyes again, Nate thought that he saw a mysterious figure hiding and staring at him in the bushes, which served as a barrier between his apartment and the abandoned pizzeria next door, but before he had a chance to get a closer look at the figure, it ran away without warning and headed out of the city eastward in the direction of the nearby humps of land that one could call mountains.

Nate finally regained his vision and immediately remembered that he had left his car running the entire time. He piled up the presents once again and stuck them in his back trunk. Nate took one last look at the bushes where the mysterious figure had been staring at him, took a deep breath and put himself behind the wheel of his car.

He then sat in the seat for a couple minutes thinking, with his death metal still blasting at him, “I have a feeling that I’m going to see whatever that thing was again very soon.”

Still spooked by the whole incident, Nate eventually drove out of the park lot and began heading to his destination.

Chapter 2: Confrontation
About 45 minutes into his drive, all of the fog and overcast had finally passed with a bright sunshine in exchange. It was at this point which Nate decided to find a bite to eat. Nate observed the fast food sign on the highway, and decided to get off at the next exit.

Upon arriving at the town’s local McDonald’s where all the fat kids went to, to meet after school every day, everybody around which he had parked his car started staring at Nate with the most peculiar of looks he had ever seen before in his entire life.

Nate turned around to ask the business man a few feet away from him, “Hey, dude, why is everybody staring at me? It’s like they think I’m an alien or something.”

The man began chuckling and responded, “You got a little something on your face, sir…” then the man burst out in laughter with the rest of the crowd right after him.

Another teen male walked over to Nate fairly quickly in his defense, and took him into the boys’ bathroom of the McDonald’s.

Nate immediately started asking the stranger a number of questions in the form of jumbled gibberish, and before he had a chance to ask anything clearly, the guy said straight to Nate’s face, “My name is Joe, you look like a retard, I saved you from complete humiliation, now look!”

Joe pushed Nate over to one of the sinks in the bathroom where a large mirror hung on the wall above it. He stared at himself and noticed the scratches and marks on his face from when he fell down the stairs at his apartment. Nate’s face was covered with small streaks of dried blood forming the shapes of malformed curls and strange polka dots. In other words, he looked like a clown.

Nate jumped for a second at the frightening face that was being reflected in the mirror and shouted out, “Frick! I look like an idiot!”

In one of the closed stalls, a child shouted back at Nate, “Hey, shut up! I’m taking a poo poo!

In response, Nate yelled, “No, you shut up! Just take care of your personal business in there…”

The whole time this was going on, Joe had his hand on his forehead wondering to himself, “Why did I have to get involved in this? It was a lot funnier before I brought this guy in here…”

Joe was 19, about 6 feet tall and perfected the jewfro with the rest of his look of a green T-shirt, gray jacket, and black pants. He also didn’t attend a college because no one would accept him for the mediocre grades that he got in High School.

After Nate completely washed his face off, and the 2 were walking out of the bathroom, Joe asked Nate, “So, what’s your name and what happened to you?”

He then answered, “My name’s Nate, and I… I sort of fell, I guess…” Nate’s face turned red from the embarrassment of the whole situation. Joe then asked Nate if he was up for eating with him, and since Nate was traveling alone, he quickly accepted.

After the 2 ordered their meals, they walked over to the curb of the parking lot and took out the food. The only thing that Nate ordered a huge quadruple Big Mac nearly half a foot tall, while Joe only got a kid’s meal consisting of 3 small chicken fingers, the tiniest packet of fries and a chocolate milk box. Nate went to his car to let his Elekid get a little exercise from being locked up in his poke ball the entire time.

Joe then said, “Oh, cool, an Elekid!” Without any delay, Joe took a poke ball and tossed it a few feet away from him which revealed his own Zangoose.

With a look of joy, Nate said, “Hey, Elekid has somebody to play with now while we eat. Thanks!”

Finally, the 2 began to eat. Joe turned to Nate and asked, “How the hell could anybody eat all that?”

“Like this!” Nate replied. Joe scooted away a couple of feet, while Nate completely devoured his burger in less that a minute.

During this whole conversation, the “play time” between Elekid and Zangoose turned a little too competitive. Unknowingly of what was happening behind them, Nate and Joe continued to eat with Joe taking an extra 10 minutes to finish eating his spec of a meal. When they both turned around to send their pokemon back in their poke balls, Nate and Joe were surprised to see their pokemon fighting.

Sparks were coming from both pokemon while Zangoose relentlessly threw crush claws and Elekid fired away several thunder punches. Nate and Joe shouted at their pokemon and both froze in their place. Zangoose and Elekid started hugging, but when they finished, gave each other angry smirks.

With looks of annoyance, the pokemon were returned to their own balls. “Sorry…” Joe said. “Zangoose has always been the type to get into all sorts of fights.”

Nate replied, “Eh, it’s alright. Elekid hasn’t always been the friendliest guy either. So, where’re you headed?”

“Not really anywhere.” Joe responded. “No college would accept me, and I just got fired from my first and only job, so now, it’s only a matter of time before I end up in a butt load of debt, and to top it all off, it’s Christmas time and I have nowhere to go since all of my family lives in Wyoming… Seriously, who wants to live in Wyoming?! It’s such a large state in geography with hardly anybody there.”

Commiseratively, Nate said, “Dude that sucks! Why don’t you come with me down to my grandparents’ farm in West Virginia? It’s a bit of a drive, but you’ll have a good time, I guarantee it.”

In relief, Joe accepted the offer. “And to think, I thought that this was going to be my worst Christmas ever. Thanks for helping me out, man.” The 2 threw away their trash and Nate continued to make his way to meet up with the rest of his family.

TheEvilDookie
02-18-2008, 04:40 AM
Chapter 3: Congregation
A few hours later, they reached Nate’s grandparents’ farm. Just a few seconds after he turned his Jetta off, Nate’s mother came running out of the farm house gleefully to give Nate an aggressive hug.

When she finished, Nate said to her, “Hey mom, this is a friend of mine; Joe. We met each other at McDonald’s, and I invited him to come up here because he had nowhere else to go.”

In delight, Nate’s mother said, “Well, hi now Joe! Welcome to the family!” then she also gave Joe an aggressive hug.

With a shaky voice from his lungs almost popping from the lack of free space from the hug, Joe replied, “Well it’s very nice to meet you Mrs. Nate’s mom. I appreciate you letting me stay up here for Christmas break.”

Nate’s mother responded, “Oh well, that’s quite alright! You can stay here as long as you wish. Oh, and in the future, you can just call me Barbara.”

After he got himself settled in the room he would stay in, Nate walked outside to get a little fresh air, and had his Elekid come out of its poke ball to play with the farm animals. Just as Nate was turning towards to screen door to enjoy a little family time, he noticed out of his eye a semi-large pile of woodchips rustling about near the corner post of a fence about an eighth of a mile away. Elekid noticed Nate’s expression and looked over at what he was looking at. Elekid too had now noticed the rustling in the pile. Once the movements stopped, Nate began to jog slowly to the woodchips with Elekid following right behind him.

Once he was there, Nate began excavating through the pile and came across an iron ring. By digging a few inches more, Nate came across chains attached to the ring, which meant that the thing rustling through the woodchips must have to do with whatever was at the end of it.

Nate stopped to think for a second with Elekid still digging, “What if… What if this is the same thing that was staring at me in the bushes?”

Nate swallowed all the saliva in his mouth and began to sweat. A few minutes after all the digging, Nate and Elekid came across a large wooden trap door with the chain of the ring hooked onto it. Nate pulled the on chain to lift the door as hard as he could along with Elekid’s assistance. As the trap door was slowly lifted, grains of dirt fell from the top and landed on the wooden hay-covered stairs.

Nate flipped the switch on the plaster wall to the right, but nothing happened. “Elekid, give us some light!” he said.

Elekid used a thunder shock on the light bulb a few steps down into the cellar, and the next thing they knew, the staircase and room down at the bottom had been illuminated. Nate and Elekid heard the breaking of glass coming from the room below just after the light bulb had turned on. Outside, it was just beginning to rain, but this was no time for Nate to turn back. He started walking down the steps and slowly looked around the corner of the wall at the end of the staircase then came across a puddle of what looked to be blood.

Nate’s heart started to pound even quicker as he expected to see a dead corpse, but in relief saw that it was only a broken bottle of sparkling red wine made in 1983. Apparently Nate’s grandparents had been keeping a hidden wine cellar out at their farm seeing as how nobody in their family understand where they get all the wine without ever leaving to go to a grocery or drug store.

While Nate was too busy observing all of the different sorts of wine that was in the cellar, Elekid started to inspect the room and came across a small leg, one of which an average-sized dog would have, that had a mixture of black and orange fur. Elekid called over Nate to look at what he found, and in shock, Nate said, “Oh my god… It’s a Growlithe. Look, it’s covered with all these small strings of woodchips. That must have been what was rustling in the pile. And it looks like it’s been dreadfully abused by its owner.”

The Growlithe had a large patch of hair missing from its right thigh with several new scars, and a scratch on its nose. “I gotta get this little guy some help as fast as possible.” said Nate.

He gently lifted the Growlithe and ran with it back into the farm house while Growlithe continued to whimper.

Nate rushed Growlithe into the farm house where he and his mother gave it immediate medical attention, while Joe called the nearby Pokemon Center to send a doctor over right away.

Nate’s grandpa walked into the kitchen where everything was going on and said, “Hey now, what’s all the hubbub about? I was watching my daily po— um, I mean COOKING SHOW on the internet and then I hear a whole bunch of yelling down here?

Joe replied, “Nate found a wounded Growlithe in a wine cellar and brought it here to be tended to. I’ve called one of the doctors from the Pokemon Center to give him a look.”

With denial, Nate’s grandpa said, “What, a wine cellar?! I know nothing of it!! Stop interrogating me!!!” then he rushed back into his bedroom upstairs.

The doctor arrived minutes later to check the Growlithe.

He told everyone, “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room while I work on the little guy.”

Nate, Barbara, and Joe all walked out and sat on the carpeted stairs while they waited for the doctor to finish his analysis.

30 minutes later, he came out from the kitchen and told them, “Alright, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Growlithe will be fine so long as you give him these pain killers every hour for the next eight hours.”

Everyone sighed in relief, and then Joe said, “K, what’s the bad news then?”

In response, the doctor jokingly said, “Well with the fee to come all the way out here, the small operation to get this little piece of metal out from his right thigh, and since your little friend in there snapped at me and cut my arm when I gave him one of the painkillers, your subtotal comes to around $275.”

In astonishment, Barbara shouted, “What?! Are you kidding me?!”

Nate quickly stopped her from doing anything too rash and said “Don’t worry, mom. I got this taken care of.”

Nate casually walked over to the coffee table in the living room located to the right of the kitchen, picked up a pink miniature ceramic elephant. Wads of cash started to flow out of the elephant from the base; more than one would think could fit inside of it. Nate took a couple hundred dollars for the payment, put the rest back where it was originally, and retrieved the remaining cost out of his own wallet.

“That should cover it.” the doctor said on his way out. “Have a nice day, and take good care of the Growlithe. He’s a special one.”

Chapter 4: Anticipation
Later that night, Nate was sitting on the swinging bench. Growlithe opened the screen door and jumped up next to Nate. Nate turned to Growlithe and rubbed its head.

Questioning where it came from, Nate asked Growlithe, “You know what? You seem very familiar. Before I left to come up here, I tripped down the stairs of my apartment and I thought I saw something staring at me in the bushes. Was it you that I saw?”

Growlithe barked at with a positive tone, jumped up on him and licked his cheek.

“Ha! Well, I’ll take that as a yes!” Nate responded. “Hey, you want to join my team? I’ve been looking for someone to hang out with Elekid, and I think you’d be awesome!”

Growlithe jumped off the bench with a bark and a grin on his face.

Nate shouted, “Alright!” and threw a poke ball at Growlithe, but Growlithe unexpectedly swatted it away and barked again.

“Oh, I see.” Nate said. “You want a battle don’t you? I guess you’ve really changed from that little shy pup in the bushes now, eh”

Growlithe grunted in anticipation of a battle.

Nate took out his poke ball containing Elekid in it. “I’m not going to go easy on you just because you’ve injured yourself, got it?” he said.

Another grunt came from Growlithe. He was now getting impatient.

“Ok, come on out, Elekid!” Nate shouted. “Let’s show Growlithe what we’re made of!”

Nate threw Elekid’s ball at the ground which revealed a bright light exposing Elekid after the light dimmed. Without any delay, Growlithe used Agility and followed it up with Fire Fang without giving Elekid any chance to react.

Nate was annoyed by Growlithe’s tactic and said “Oh come, on. Even you know that was pretty cheap!”

Growlithe remained still, not being concerned with anything that Nate had to say.

Still bothered by the whole thing, Nate shouted, “Ok Elekid, let’s start things off with a screech attack!”

An extremely loud and high-pitched reverberation was heard all around the farm and in the city several miles away. Growlithe could barely stand the noises especially from being a dog causing him to lie on ground to cover his ears which then gave Elekid a chance to strike.

With excitement, Nate yelled out, “Elekid, here’s your perfect opportunity! Use a thunder punch!”

Elekid shot off of his back foot to attack Growlithe, charged his arm in the midst of the running, and made his strike. Growlithe tumbled several feet back from where he originally was lying from the previous screech, and set himself back up for another attack.

With its agility still in effect and nearly half its health, Growlithe began charging at Elekid, but instead of a normal head-on attack that Elekid had prepared for, Growlithe leaped into the air and glided literally inches above Elekid’s head. Growlithe landed on the ground with ease, rebounded, and bashed into Elekid using Flare Blitz; Growlithe’s strongest attack.

The recoil left Growlithe at a quarter of its health and Elekid with barely a tenth. Growlithe regained his strength and prepared for once again, another attack. With his leg seriously coming into play now, Growlithe’s speed had severely been cut down.

Nate screamed out at Elekid, “You still have a chance Elekid! Roll around on the ground and use Discharge!”

Elekid swiftly rolled around and emitted every bit of electricity that he had in him right before Growlithe was about to hammer himself into Elekid with a take down. Growlithe had been blown into the air from the shock and appeared to be paralyzed.

“Here’s my chance!” Nate exclaimed.

He chucked the poke ball out at Growlithe to capture it. A red shine of light was beamed from the ball and sucked Growlithe into it. The ball wiggled once….. Twice……

Desired Pokemon: Growlithe
Difficulty: Medium (10-20K)
Character Count: 18,000+ (with spaces)

Dang, that took a while. xD

Fossil Fusion
02-18-2008, 07:45 AM
Story: This was a little bit near the original side, but it was good for the length of a story like this. Nate seemed like a cool character who was just in a rush to sort out Christmas presents for the whole family. I know this isn't my story or anything, but when Joe came in it seemed a little too original from their. Two friends, two Pokemon, two Partnerships! But this is a simple Pokemon afterall. Don't sweat it. Poor Growlithe! Who is on steriods... nah medication! :P It was pretty obvious your Pokemon you wanted to catch was in that bush at the beginning, but prediction can be a good thing. It was cool how Growlithe was not shy anymore, really. Overall good job.

Grammar: Seemed good enough. Well this bit could do with a word change, not major. It would sound better.

He had long dark hair that reached his shoulders, pale green eyes, and almost always...

Almost always could be changed to just usually. I know it would have less characters by a little bit, however it would make the sentence flow a little better.

Before everything became clear in his eyes again, Nate thought that he saw a mysterious figure hiding and staring at him in the bushes, which served as a barrier between his apartment and the abandoned pizzeria next door. However, before he had a chance to get a closer look at the figure, it ran away without warning and headed out of the city eastward in the direction of the nearby humps of land that one could call mountains.

This big chunck is too long for one sentence. I know the commas are necessary, moreover having a full stop where I have bolded is much better. In my opinion that is!

You missed out some commas.

Pokemon always needs to be capitalized.

Detail: The detail was good, and in some cases needed a little more or was just too basic. But that's my personal opinion, you did a really good job with the descriptive area. I wouldn't of been able to carry on reading without good essences of it.

Upon arriving at the town’s local McDonald’s where all the fat kids went to,

Oh so true haha.

Length: This seemed fine. More than enough for a Growlithe. I cannot really explain how you could make this longer, since I do not really base the grade on length. It seems farfetched otherwise. Keeping in mind that this is your first story too.

Battle: The battle could of been done another way, but for the complexity of Growlithe it should be okay. This is your weakest point, in my opinion. The attacks and order of the battle was effective, but you need alot of description for this area. You need to give the grader good imagery of the attacks used, and the surroundings. Well atleast you didn't use the "Trainer A shouts move, and Pokemon A fights back." Overall it was okay, your details of this area need a massive improvement for next time, and in other stories too.


Outcome: Growlithe Captured!

This was on the borderline of capture.

Tips: Use commas where it is needed. Practice using more description, and describe the battle as much as you can! This is the most important area for the capture of your Pokemon. Your other areas seem fine enough, just capitalize Pokemon. Good luck for future stories. Not bad for a first timer.