View Full Version : Bug Battle

02-21-2008, 09:02 AM
Sapphire's light blue eyes gazed into the rushing, crystal like river. It was the school holidays but she had nothing to do. Her Charmander gently nudged his trainer in the arm, encouraging her to find something exciting to do.

"I guess that sitting around wouldn't do me any good. Lets find a Pokemon to capture." Sapphire smiled to her Pokemon before slowly pushing herself off the ground with her slim fingers. Sapphire walked towards the flowerbed nearby. The delicate smell of the flowers were definately going to attract some decent Pokemon to capture.

Sapphire sat in the multicoloured flowerbed as she watched her Charmander staring at the Spearows flying, hoping that his dream of turning into a Charizard someday would come true. The female trainer's eyelids slowly covered her eyes as she drifted into a deep sleep.

Suddenly, Sapphire felt something soft crawling onto her legs and proceeding onto her stomach. Opening her eyes, Sapphire round herself being face to face to a green bug Pokemon with a red 'V' shape on it's forehead. As she stared mindlessly at the Caterpie, Charmander's claws started to glow into a metalic colour and charged at it, Using a metal Claw to knock it off his trainer.

Sapphire expected the Pokemon to fall onto the ground like normal Caterpies but it used a String Shot at a branch and landed softly on the ground. Before Sapphire could even tell her Pokemon an attack, the Caterpie use a String Shot, surrounding Charmander with a thin layer of sticky white thread and it used a Takle on Charmander's tender stomach.

"Charmander, use a Scratch attack on the strings surrounding you and use an Ember attack." Sapphire growled, finding it unbelievable that her Charmander was losing to a Caterpie, for it was one of the simplest Pokemon to catch.

Charmander use his razor sharp claws to free itself from the sticky strings holding it prisoner. The strings ripped apart easily as if the claws were sickles. Charmander inhaled oxygen as his mouth started to become filled with searing flames. Charmander spat out little fiery orbs at the opponent. The Caterpie tried to escape with a String Shot on a branch but was hit by the balls of flames, burning down the strings connecting to the branch. As the flames died away, Sapphire was expecting Caterpie to be almost fainted but it aimed a Tackle at Charmander again, this time knocking it into a nearby tree.

"Charmander are you alright?" Sapphire anxiously asked her companion. Charmander stood up and roared out a blast of fire straight at the Caterpie who responded quickly by jumping over the Flamethrower and used advantage of the tree nearby. The worm Pokemon bounced of the tree and it's head butted straight into Charmander's head, making him stumble backwards a few steps but was back to normal again but his eyes were full of hatred.

Once again, the Caterpie aimed a Tackle at Charmander but he jumped over Caterpie and bit onto Caterpie's head with fangs covered with searing hot flames. Charmander let go of the opponent and the flames on his fangs disappeared. The Caterpie tried to use another Tackle but it was at it's limit and fell down onto the battered flowers beneath it. Sapphire took out a half red and half white ball and threw it at the Caterpie. The Pokeball touched the Pokemon and it was asorbed by a beam of red light into the Pokeball. The ball kept shaking as the pokemon tried to escape. Was she going to finally capture her first pokemon?

Legendary Wolf
02-21-2008, 07:01 PM
Here ye, Here ye. Grade :o

Introduction: Well to be honest, there wasn't much of one you show mostly what she looks like and partically how she acts but otherwise there wasnt much. In short stories, I understand no one likes writing much it's more like something to get over with. So commonly it's rushed, although it's not like this for most it happens to many. Anyway, always try to start off a story with: Who? What? When? Where? Why And sometimes How but anyway if you cover these five and sometimes six things your story is basically a surefire for getting caught. Try not to stop the whole world just to explain it though its better when it's simply smoothed out.

Story/Plot: The plot to this story was...none really. Yes of course something happens but Sapphire doesn't do anything really she's just sleeping there and when the Caterpie comes out she immediatly wakes up and starts to battle it. Although it was the over-used going in to forest and catching it I would slightly say you could do more with that story than what you did with this. Even if you didnt have Sapphire fall asleep this still could've been a lot of detail, like how the day looked outside and the details about her room. Maybe Charmander was actually asleep and the Caterpie assaulted that startling Charmander to the point of angering it and powering it. Really just some ideas are all it takes. Remember that when you write future stories, which I look forward to seeing.

Length: Try to calculate the character's yourself and posting them, that makes the grader's job easier. Anyway, you have about 3.4k which is on the low side of 3-5k though I understand it is for Caterpie in future stories try going about right above the middle k, that's always one of the best points to reach and what is better is going over the max. ;D.

Spelling/Grammar: I found a few spelling/grammar mistakes but I'll point out one or two to be sure you know them.

"Charmande are you alright?"

First of all the typo is saying Charmande when it should be Charmander ;D. Anyway I too have recently learned that alright is supposed to be All right as far as I learned, of course.

Remember that for now, because really the rest were typos.

Detail/Description: Bravo! you did really well here in case of a Caterpie, this was one of the best Easy descriptions I have ever seen so good job to that. Remember to use pain-staking words that really get your word across to help the reader really identify what you're trying to say. I dare-say that some words were meant for stories rather than being used in open-speech as most of those words are to be fond of, to say the least, you did an excellent job in this section of the story.

Battle: The battle was a pretty good part. Along with going the detail's part using words like 'searing' definetly helped work yourself to the top of your story. I enjoyed seeing how two-sided a battle with a Caterpie was no matter how short it was since it literally took up one-half or more of the entire story. In longer stories however try to keep the sections to their own. Each with it's own way of getting them to help each other. Such as the story part would take up most with detailed words and then the battles come in and take it away. Saying to keep the parts level.

Outcome: Overall and away from the length I have to surely say Caterpie Captured! Have fun with the little bug.

02-21-2008, 07:46 PM
I'm glad that I managed to capture it. Also, I edited all the mistakes I could find. I guess my next Pokemon would be a Mareep and I hope that you will grade my next story which may take a while.