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DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-01-2008, 01:30 AM
-Return Of A Pest (I)-

Targeted Pokemon:

Oddish, Hoothoot

http://i28.tinypic.com/iqekr4.png

http://i30.tinypic.com/2q0twk0.png

Difficulty: Simple, Simple

Characters:

10-20k

Characters Achieved:

9,592 Characters

11,808 Characters w/Spaces

2,250 Words



Return of A Pest

http://i25.tinypic.com/xd9fly.png

~~~



The thunder crashed down in the distance. A jagged yellow crash in the black night.

Sola Lateo rolled over in his jeans, his spiky black hair, his black hoodie, his pale skin- and his pale blue eyes. The blue eyes ruined his gothic look. He sighed. “Oh well…” This was a thirteen year old kid on a journey. All to please a girl. He should have enjoyed a journey…. But he didn’t. He sighed again.

He shivered. His body was tense and still He felt as heavy as lead. "Why me?" He ached. He had been on the road for a month now, and wasn't happy. He was only out to be a trainer for his girlfriend... He thought to himself. She'll like me... He thought. She had too. He got up out of his blue sleeping bag. He had been on the road for far too long. He knew soon he would crack and go back. Not today though. He would have to keep on. He was determined to please his crush. He really was. Maybe that was the only reason at all he was going on this quest, sadly. The forest was dark as night was falling. Shadows were crossed all over the gloomy forest. He didn't like forests... But that was just a setback, he thought. He was ready for anything. He could climb any mountain! Still the forest was deep and dark... Deep and dark...

He couldn't give up yet. He had to please her.. It was his only girl. He rubbed his sleepy eyes.

"Time to go."

He threw a red and white sphere. A small brown fox popped out and shook its furry form.

"Ee!" It said.

"Hey Eevee!" Lateo said happily. He was always happy when he saw her. His Eevee. His Eevee. He thought. He usually didn’t have much at home.

Sola looked around. Last night he had collapsed and not really looked around. It usually was that way for him. Now he observed his surroundings. He saw a few trees and tall grass all around him. 'Wow... Maybe we will find some pokemon. Eh Eevee?" "Ee!" The fox replied. He liked his pokemon. His only company in this lonely forest. He wised he had come with a friend. But his crush said brave people traveled alone…

He took out a small bag full of rice cakes. (That’s all he had for breakfast!) His stomach grumbled.

"Well now. Come and get it!" he said. He dropped a cake of the flaky rice on the wet grass. He heard the thunder roll nearer.

"I have to get shelter..." He thought. It was true... He would have to soon. He looked around at the dieing brown grass, the evergreen trees, the thick green bushes, the dark and damp foliage all around. He shivered. Boy did he hate forests. Well, he didn't hate forests... But he didn't like them. He gazed at a spider web and shivered again.

He surveyed the small clearing again. He saw a cluster of large trees. It formed a small cave that seemed to go downward into the ground. He started for it while he munched on his rice cake. "Come on Eevee!" he said through his munching. The cave was damp and gray. It looked very mysterious in a way.

The two friends saw that the tall, rough trees formed the opening into a long tunnel. It was very dark and they couldn't see how far down it went. But it was a very near shelter... Lateo thought. "

Come on Eevee!" He said.

"You need a name don't you Eevee?" He said suddenly.

The thought had just struck him now of all times at that. He wondered why he hadn’t given his Eevee a name before. But who knows, he was very forgetful. The small fox nodded as the two tried to slip into the wide cave.

"How about..."

"E!" Piped up the fox.

"E! That’s perfect E."

The two smiled. Sola edged his way in. He felt no floor as he did so he tried to go in deeper. As he did he saw a blueberry with tall leaves walk by. It had two red eyes. Sola sighed.

"Not again..."

"Eevee! Er- E! What is that?"

The boy said pointing at the small grass pokemon. The Eevee looked over in sheer determination. It was the Oddish. The one that had followed him all the way from his home. It always paralyzed them... Sola was sick of it.

"Let's get him E!" Said Sola.

He needed to get this pokemon. He wanted a new pokemon for his collection. He had only Eevee so far... But he didn't care. Why not catch this Oddish? Plus, it paralyzed them... Why not use it to paralyze others in battle? A perfect plan... He thought to himself. It was to good. But it was only a poor Oddish. A poor, poor Oddish.

This was pest. He would catch it and make it a pest for others. He would... His fists clenched the air.

"Use Tackle E!" He called.

The Oddish wobbled along, not seeing the Eevee until it had rammed into the small blueberry. The Oddish was slammed onto the grass.

"YES!" Sola said caught up in the battle. It was perfectly executed. But the battle had just started and it was not over yet...

The Oddish was mad. He whirled around at the fox. It used Razor Leaf. The small leaves flung themselves sharply at the poor fox. The fox was hit! She flinched and the Oddish wasted no time. It charged at the Eevee using Tackle itself.

"E! No..." He couldn't lose all ready! No...

Eevee was hurt. But she wasn't done.

"E! Use Bite!" Sola said. He gritted his white teeth. 'Eevee...' He thought. ‘Eevee…’

The small fox jumped at the blueberry. The Oddish off guard, was bitten. The Oddish reeled back. "Now! Come on Eevee! Sand Attack!" Sand lashed into the Oddish's eyes. The small blueberry closed her eyes to avoid the sand, but she didn't open them. While the sand was in her eyes, E smashed into him again with another Tackle attack.

The Oddish still wasn't done. Sola grunted. "Well I guess Id o have bad luck..." But he wasn't done... No way.

The Oddish lunged at the Eevee. It used Toxic!

"NO!"

The oozing poison dripped onto E, she was weakened by the purple ooze and was hurt. She barely moved. But E wasn't done with her part either. She made a final move. While the Oddish was close, she used Bite! Despite her health she risked what HP she had to help Sola... He jerked back tears.

"E..." Sola whispered... The Oddish stumbled back... But she still had energy. She did one more thing to hurt E... One more thing.

The Oddish used Acid. It slimed the poor Eevee. She was done fighting. "No..." The Acid did though, lower Oddish's defense. This gave Sola some time. The Oddish too was hurt. He could get the Oddish- He heard thunder roll past them. He saw a flash of lightning. Without thinking he gabbed E and the Oddish and dragged them into the tunnel with him.

The three slid down through the dark tunnel bumping and bouncing around deep underground. The tunnel was wet and dark. He saw almost nothing at all.

Then they were down on the ground. Sola snatched E and Oddish after finding them a few feet away in the dark floor of the cave. Now he had to get out. He was down- Now he needed to get out. But how? He had a feel at least fourteen feet into the underground, and it was a bumpy, hollow tunnel. AND, he had no light.

He started to feel around. There had to be a way out. He heard a growl. What? A growl this deep underground... And it wasn't E or the Oddish... What could it be? He wondered. He tried to reason on what it was.

Then he saw it! He saw sparks. The small light illuminated where he was. He was in the forest! A heavy canopy of trees was overhead. He had fallen through a tunnel that slid down hill into a lower recess of the forest. He barely saw the sky above. The thunder was still their- He heard it. but he didn't see lightning. But the sparks- He looked over. He saw the source- An angry Shinx. He must've bumped it. He quickly wondered what to do. The Oddish was tired- And his E was out. What can I do, he thought.

Then he started to think. But by then it was too late. He was shocked by a nasty Spark attack. He yelled in pain. 'Great..." He mumbled. "What now..."

Then he saw a slim form jogging through the forest. It was a thin, tall man. He had sandy blond hair and he wore a lab coat. He had on rain boot- signaling that rain was about to roll in... The forest was dark, damp, and scary here too.

"Hello out there!" he called.

"Help!"

Sola stuttered. The man came to him to help. He quickly threw a pokeball high in the air. Out came a strong looking Infernape. "Use Blast Burn!" he called to the large fire monkey. The monkey shot the fire towards the Shinx, but not a small flicker of flame touched him. The Shinx ran away in fear.

Sola returned his Eevee and stuffed the Oddish in a bag. "Why stuff that poor pokemon in a bag?" Said the man. "Well..." "Never mind..." The man said after an awkward moment.

"Anyway, thanks," Sola mumbled. "

I heard a yell. I came to help," He said.

"Hello," the man continued.

"I'm Professor Axcer."

He extended a hand and helped Sola up.

"I'm Sola."

"Well then Sola come back with me. Let's have some tea."


The group went a few yards through the dark forest and came to a small cottage. It was made of fine wood and stood welcoming in the shady forest behind. The cottage had a few windows looking out and into the forest and the cottage respectively. The Prof. walked up and unlocked the strong, red door He moved his hand beckoning Sola in.

"Come in, come in!" he said excited.

The two started to have a chat and while sitting around a small table in the two-room cottage. Inside the room thy were in was a small kitchen with a fridge, stove, dishwasher, and the works, a few leather chairs, a few tall oak wood bookcases a small T.V with a large, leather couch facing the T.V. and a few books sprawled over the couch, the kitchen, and even the floor.

"What a nice place," said Sola smiling.

"Yes it is. I study pokemon here. Here me and my Infernape help travelers and study the forest. This is Hure Forest you know?"

"Yes I came going to the next town, Moalten."

"Ah yes. A quaint town."

"Well I'll just go now."

"No, no! Have some tea!"

He brought over two cups of steaming hot tea.

"Drink up!"

Sola sipped gratefully, "Thank you. You've showed me so much kindness."

"No problem. I have to do it all the time for lost trainers. SO I have just accepted it as a part time job."

Suddenly they heard a thump. Sola was first out the door. There he saw a hurt Hoothoot on the window. It was in great pain. "Ph my..." Said the prof. The Hoothoot was flinching in pain. "Ow..." Said Sola. He knew the Hoothoot was in pain. He hoped E would be better. He threw the red and white sphere out into the cold air. "Go E!" "Don't hurt it!" Said the Prof. "Its fine...” Sola assured the prof. The small fox appeared in the dark forest floor.

"Go E! Use Tackle! We need to catch this poor Hoothoot to help it!"

The Hoothoot though, had other ideas. It used Peck when the Eevee jumped up and smashed into the owl pokemon. The Hoothoot dropped to the floor. Both pokemon were very hurt from their own experiences.

"Try again!" Sola said to the fox.

The fox hit the owl this time, who didn't move from pain. But the Hoothoot wasn't done. It Pecked the Eevee. "E!" Sola called out. Both weren't going to be able to hold on for very much longer... And Sola knew it. He had to be quick.

"Use Bite!"

The Hoothoot was bitten. But it again Pecked Eevee after it was.

The Pokemon were done. E was still too tired and fainted.

"No..."

"Let me pick him up." The Prof. said. "No... I still have a chance! Go Oddish!" He threw the Oddish out of the bag. It had been struggling for some time now, but now it was free! It smiled and said, "Od-Odd-ish!"

"Use Stun Spore!" Sola said. But the hurt Oddish merely shook its body and said, "Od!" It wasn't going to help.

"Well then..." He threw a pokeball at the still-hurt Oddsih. The pokeball encased the Oddish. "YES!" He smiled.

Sola smiled. The Oddish was in a pokeball. Then he looked at the Hoothoot. He threw a pokeball at the sick owl. "Come on..." The pokeball enveloped the owl pokemon. Sola and the Professor watched.... The two watched helplessly at the pokemon. But Sola was much more nervous. He was catching two pokemon- well hopefully.

But still, he smiled wide.

Splishee
03-04-2008, 10:16 AM
Thanks for the PM, and I'll be grading this.

Expect it soon. ^^

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-05-2008, 12:06 AM
YA! Thank you! ^^ I am ever so happy you agreed! I was getting worried. :P

Oh well. THANKS!

Splishee
03-16-2008, 11:30 AM
Here you go. Sorry for the wait - I suck. D:

Hope the grade makes up for it. ^^

Grade

Plot

Sola is on a Pokemon journey in order to please is crush, and is stuck in a storm. The story begins with him waking up tense and hurt in his sleeping bag. Shortly after some bonding time with his beloved Eevee, Sola starts to walk through the forest but is jumped by a rather annoying Oddish which he has encountered before.

After being confronted with another intimidating flash of lightning, Sola grabs the three Pokemon and hurtles them all down a tunnel in which they find refuge in, before being saved from an aggravated Shinx by a man named Professor Axcer. They are invited over his house for some tea, but are shocked by an injured Hoot-Hoot which barges in through the window, injured. Sola then attempts to catch the Hoot-Hoot, before enclosing the annoying Oddish in the Pokeball before.

Overall, the whole ‘kid is on a Pokemon journey and is jumped by a Pokemon’ is quite a common plot, but I love how you placed a spin on it to make it revolving around the girl who he wanted to impress. I would have liked to see more of the ‘mystery girl’, however. You only mentioned her at the start and didn’t bother to mention her at all after that - not even her name! It would have been nice to see some memories of her strung throughout the story, or perhaps random moments of Sola thinking of her.

Introduction

I liked how you started off with the one sentence, and gradually went on to describe what was happening. This is how I like to start off most of my stories, and it great at hooking the reader in as it starts off with a big ‘BANG’. ^^

So, yeah - it hooked me in and made me want to read more, but your descriptions left more to be desired. Sure, you introduced the character, told me what he looked like and why he was there. Problem was, that’s pretty much ALL you did.

When introducing characters, you should try and describe them in a more flowing tone, not just stating what they look like to the reader. It makes your sentences look short and choppy and the reader has trouble imagining them in certain situations. For example, instead of simply saying he had ‘pale skin’, you could have interwined it with the text. You could have said: ‘his milky, pale skin seemed to soak in the last remaining rays of sunlight in the darkness of the forest’.

Of course, you introduced the story superbly - it’s merely a little of your descriptions, that’s all. ^^

Length

Oddish and Hoot-Hoot, both simple Pokemon, require 5 - 10 K each - which makes a grand total of a Medium-level story, 10 - 20 K of characters. Yeah - you only barely scraped the minimum, which should almost be as avoidable as going under the minimum. You should try and always write for roughly in the middle of the expected length - 15 K would be a great length.

Grammar

I’ll be frank with you - a lot of your grammar was avoided simply because your sentences didn’t require excellent grammar usage. Many of your sentences were short and choppy, not smooth and complex. I understand if you have not quite hit that advanced style of writing, and that’s absolutely fine - just keep it in mind to try and prolonge your sentences, add commas instead of fullstops to make them longer and more flowing.

Anyway, apart from that, your grammar was, overall - pretty good! Most of your mistakes were silly little spelling mistakes or extra characters that didn’t belong. Most of those mistakes could have been avoided if you had double checked the story before posting or just went through it.

However, some of your bigger mistakes that I should point out so you can improve on your general grammar usage include:

Maybe that was the only reason at all he was going on this quest……. Sadly.

Hehe. Quite a silly thing to point out, but you had way too many full stops there. I understand you were trailing on in order to lead to the word ‘sadly’, and that’s perfectly fine, but, grammatically, there should only be three dots and they should be separated from either word.

Actually, the sentence probably would have looked better without the dots altogether and simply a comma, but if you are intent on keeping the dots in the sentence, only 3 would be the way to go. ^^

"Anyway, Thanks." Sola mumbled. "I heard a yell. I cam to help." He said. 'Hello." The man continued. "I'm Professor Axcer." He extended a hand and helped Sola up. "I'm Sola." "Well then Sola come back with me. Let's have some tea."

You did this in every paragraph you posted that contained speech, but this paragraph probably is the best example of how messy it looks. The general rule is that when people talk and then a next person speaks, or if someone talks and something happens then they talk again, each speech should always be separated by a paragraph.

Also, when speech has finished and you show the person who said it, the speech should not end in a full stop. It always ends in a comma, as the sentence has not technically ended.

Here’s what it should have been like so you can get a general idea of what I mean:

“Anyway, thanks,” Sola mumbled.

“I heard a yell. I came to help. Hello,” the man continued. “I’m Professor Axcer.” He extended a hand and helped Sola up.

“I’m Sola.”

“Well then, Sola, come back with me. Let’s have some tea.”

I bolded some smaller mistakes in there, such as capitalising the ‘t’ when there was no full stop, and the spelling error on ‘came’. :P

"Well I guess Id o have bad luck..."
It was to good.

Just an example of some of your silly mistakes that could have been fixed if you had double checked it. I’m not sure what exactly this was supposed to mean, on the first one, but I know that it isn’t right. :P On the second one, ‘to’ should have been ‘too’.

That’s all I’ll say for now, as I don’t want to come off as harsh as your grammar was, generally, really good. However, I suggest taking a good look through your story and fixing up some of the things I mentioned that take place in other parts and even spotting some small errors of your own to make it 200% better! ^^

Description

Like I said above in grammar, it was mostly in short, choppy sentences. It seemed to be that you only described things that you seemed fit to describe, but the fact that you had a go at describing things is enough for this category to be good enough for my likings.

Many of your descriptions seemed to be as if Sola was saying them to the reader. You should try to avoid this, and rather then write as if you were a teenage boy even though you’re in third person, try to paint a picture through your words.

However, your description was, generally, very good. For a simple Pokemon, anyway - but for the Medium level, you could have improved a little bit. ^^

Battle

Definitely the highlights of your entire story! Both battles were action packed and very two-sided - even on the verge of being 1 sided to the opposing Pokemon! I loved how you incorporated Sola’s feelings about his beloved Eevee in each battle, it was very well done and probably my favourite parts in the entire battles.

I wouldn’t suggest anything to be changed because they were both excellently described - although, many of the attacks were somewhat ‘under-described’ in the sense that you just stated what the attack was and the effects afterwards. For example, you said that Eevee used bite and the opposing Pokemon howled in pain as it was bitten, but I would have liked to see more description there. How exactly did Eevee make her way over to the Pokemon? Were her teeth sharp, like knives? Or did they tear at the flesh bluntly? All that, and more, would have made it a lot more interesting - not that it wasn’t already great. ^^

Outcome

Overall, your story’s plot was very good, as was many other aspects of the story. However, you were lacking especially in grammar and a little of description, and I would like for you to incorporate more of the beginning girl into the story.

The story was, overall, excellent for a simple level Pokemon. But your story was for 2 of them, which is, all up, a medium levelled one. Because of this, I will grant you one of the Pokemon. However, if you want to try and aim for the other Pokemon, I suggest adding more in description and cleaning up your grammar in some places. ^^

For now, Oddish captured! Show me you can truly improve on the story, and I will grant you the Hoot-Hoot. ^^

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-16-2008, 10:08 PM
Thanks!

I am glad that someone actually likes my pokemon. ' '; I had a tough time with a story before... (Don't ask....)

Anyway I glad I got Oddish! But I edited this for Hoot-hoot. I don't know why I wanted Hoot-hoot actually... I just did. xP

Splishee
03-17-2008, 12:46 AM
TEH RE-GRADE ^^

Wowee! Frankly, I love the story 60000% more simply because of all the grammar mistakes you fixed up. Even going through it, I could only find some of them, but they were only the ones that I didn't mention to you. That's ok - as a grader, I should have told you everything that needed improvement, but I didn't want to come off as the harsh meany grader. :o

Anyway, although you still didn't incorporate much about the 'mysterious crush' (I would have liked that..), I noticed some improvements on description in the battles and other various descriptions. Great job!

All in all, despite the lingering errors, the story is definitely good enough to secure the Hoot-Hoot. Hoot-Hoot caught! ^^, have fun with the one-legged bird. :o

DrAgOn DrEaMeR
03-17-2008, 10:04 PM
Thank you SO much! I will enjoy the little birdy and the Oddish. ^^ (Unless I sell them...xD)