View Full Version : "What The Heck, A Magikarp?"

Blast the Stereo
03-02-2008, 08:49 AM
“What The Heck, a Magikarp?"

The sun shone brightly on the soft tufts of grass scattered intermittently throughout the dry forest floor. The atmosphere was peaceful and serene - trees dancing in the wind, flower blossom blowing this way and that. It was quite a beautiful place. That is, until he showed up. The serenity was instantly disturbed by a set of dirt-clogged sneakers thrusting themselves into the flower patches with incredible vigor, causing a cluster of Sunkern that once dwelled in its vicinities to fly through the air in fright. The startled Pokemon squealed in irritation, throwing a slightly-inaudible, yet terribly crude string of Poke-language at the pair of monsters that destroyed their home.

The owner of those shoes, on the other hand, was the farthest thing from a monster. He was the most loveable, sincere and charming boy in all of town – people absolutely loved him. Ok, so maybe I’m exaggerating a little. Just a little, that’s all, I swear.

That boy, whom everyone absolutely adored and aspired to be, was me - Ruby Steven McDaniels. Yes, my name is Ruby. Funny story about that, actually. You see, when my mother went in to get her ultrasound, the doctors told her she was going to have a girl [we won’t discuss how that happened]. So, my parents decided to name their future-daughter Ruby. Long story short, I popped out, the doctors were surprised, and I was stuck with the name Ruby ever since. It doesn’t bother me that much, though. After all, I am the most masculine, tough and poised individual around. No one had the guts to tease a goliath like me.

Suddenly, the home-wrecking sneakers became caught in the root of a nearby tree, causing me to crash to the ground, scraping my slender shin on the rough path below. I glanced down, took one look at the blood and wailed in pain. Ok, so maybe I was exaggerating a bit about the “goliath” part, too.

After the violent sobs slowed to a steady stream of tears, I got back up to my feet and ventured further into the wilderness. Forests were the ideal locations for budding-trainers like myself who were in search of their first Pokemon battle. There was a wide variety of creatures lurking in the wooded surroundings, just waiting for a trainer like me. I could take my pick of almost anything - maybe a Weedle, or a Caterpie, or even a Pidgey. I steadily became more enthralled with my quest as I pondered my endless options, tightening the grip of the Pokeball in my hand as I quicked my pace.

I was getting really excited now, tossing my head this way and that in search of the ideal Pokemon to face the wrath of my exquisite battling techniques. Ok, so I’d never really had the chance to try out those techniques anywhere other than in front of my bedroom mirror, but I was certain they would be amazing.

I stopped suddenly, nearly falling forward due to my body’s ongoing momentum. I had heard the rustling of leaves from what seemed like not very far away. My destiny was approaching. It sounded again, causing my heart to bound in my chest like a thousand Buneary racing for an abandoned Poffin. Another rustle caused me to run forward in search of its maker, thrilled by the suspense of the impending battle. I recklessly pushed back a series of bushes, revealing the Pokemon I had been searching for.

It lay there in the middle of the forest, surrounded by a cluster of bush and bramble. My heart flew up to my throat, beating there even harder. It was not a Caterpie, Weedle or Pidgey. It something I’d never expected to find in the area. My lips parted, allowing the first stream of words that came to my mind to escape out into the open air.

“What the heck, a Magikarp?”

Indeed, sitting before me, with no pond, lake or other body of water in sight, was a Magikarp. It flopped there hopelessly, deserted in the vast area of grass and dirt. I shrugged to myself. This would have to do.

I threw the Pokeball in my hand, releasing the Bulbasaur that I had received just a few minutes beforehand. My heart lit with the fire of battle, ready to take on the foe that flopped before me.

“Bulbasaur, Tackle!”

The Pokemon threw itself at the Magikarp with incredible vigor, landing on top of the powerless enemy and crushing it upon impact.

“Karrrrp!” it cried, helplessly.

Now, it was Magikarp’s turn to attack. I braced myself, not sure of what would happen next. I expected a large blast of water, or a ferocious slap from a fin that would send Bulbasaur flying. I clenched my fists, hoping that my Pokemon would survive. The Magikarp began flopping around vigorously, and I instantly knew that it was the preparation for a forceful attack. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the pain inflicted on my Bulbasaur. After a few seconds, I opened them again cautiously, expecting to see Bulbasaur flat on its face. But nothing had changed. The Magikarp still lay there lamely, boring and uneventful. I sighed to myself. The attack must have missed – I got lucky that time.

“Give it another Tackle!” I cried, attempting to sound strategic, when in fact, tackle was the only move my Pokemon knew.

Another bone crushing attack left the Magikarp immobile. I waited a few seconds for it to attack before throwing my fist in the air in triumph. I had defeated the menacing Magikarp! I reached into my pocket majestically, pulling out the Pokeball that was longing for an occupant. I threw it at the motionless Pokemon and watched it suck its victim in with a beam of red light. I smiled widely to myself. I was victorious – or at least, I hoped.

Rocks fell, everyone died and then the Magikarp got sucked into a Pokeball..

I prefer my ending, Em.

Pokemon: Magikarp
Difficulty: Simple
Requirement: 3-5k.
Characters: 5492

03-02-2008, 08:50 AM
Mineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemi neminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemine mineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemi neminemineminemine.

03-02-2008, 09:19 AM
k done. It's always hard to grade short stories. :( Hooray, a weak grade! Enjoy, lovely.

Introduction/Plot: Best plot evar. Srsly.

So this boy who just happens to share the same name as my pat bird (who is also a boy) goes into a forest to catch some generic bug Pokemon. Strangely enough, he doesn’t find one, and instead finds a Magikarp. As challenging as it is, using his incredible skill, he manages to bring it down and then he throws the Pokeball. I still don’t know why you didn’t want to use my ending – it would have fit in anywhere!

Anyway, this is quite a twist on the standard ‘boy walks into a forest and catches a Pokemon’. Seriously, this is the funniest Magikarp story I’ve ever read. Your plot was quite fine – it dodged the taboo very well. As I don’t know where to put this, I’ll put it here. For this line;

“What the heck, a Magikarp?”

Any word at all would have done. Even a swear word, as long as you marked it PG-13. Don’t tone it down for the little chiddlers crawling about the place.

Grammar/Spelling: Boo, you only made one mistake.

I steadily became more enthralled with my quest as I pondered my endless options, tightening the grip of the Pokeball in my hand as I quicked my pace.

Quicked isn’t a word. Quickened is what you want, dear.

Damn you for being so perfect and not making many grammar/spelling mistakes!

Description/Detail: This was better than you needed it to be. To be honest, I would have passed you if you had next to no detail – I really don’t mind. The only thing that bothered me was the lack of detail on the Pokemon and on Ruby. You described the things that you got around to, but nothing else, which was mildly amusing. Either way, I know you can do so much better, so it was disappointing. As I mentioned in my previous grade, I like to think of writing a story a lot like painting a picture – this time you just didn’t paint well enough for me, sorry.

That said, there was more than enough description for the easiest category, so I don’t know what I’m rambling about. Too much caffeine is my problem.

Length: This was fine – you went just over the recommended amount. Good work.

Battle/Realism: This was a shining aspect of your story. It was truly charming, albeit a little short and one-sided. It was quite amusing the way you took the idea of having a Magikarp in a forest and turned it into this big scary beast-fish-thing. I do have a few problems with this, however. While it was just obtained, all Pokemon in the URPG are level 100, and can use all of their attacks. I just thought I should point that out, but the way you did it was cute.

I did have quite a big problem with how one-sided it was, though, and how the fish went down in only two hits. You should have at least given it a chance, Adam! However, this was just a Magikarp story which you churned out in about half an hour, so I wasn’t expecting anything great. Good work on this section, though. You managed to make something that most writers going for an easiest Pokemon would make mundane funny and interesting. Kudos to you for that achievement.

Outcome: Got a day job? No? Yes? Quit it now and become an author. For something that you wrote up in such a short time, this is terrific. Oh, and have fun with your fish. *throws Magikarp at you*

Magikarp captured!

Blast the Stereo
03-02-2008, 09:31 AM
Not bad for something I spat out in 20 minutes, eh?

Gaaah. I made a grammar mistake in less than 6000 characters. =[

Oh well, with no proof-reading, I'm content with one. =]

We'd better be let into that competition now. XD