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View Full Version : Dreams are better than Reality


Shozuka
03-06-2008, 11:55 PM
Characters Needed for Magikarp: 3-5 K
Characters Used: 4 K


The moon’s weak rays shone lightly on Marq, a solemn ten year old with a passion for Pokemon. He was sound asleep on his large bed, snoring. He dreamed about meeting the legendary Raikou.

Suddenly, Marq woke up flabbergasted. He felt himself being bumped up and down several times. The blazing sun outside shone greatly on him. He was riding on a Suicune. Its purple cape-like hair flapped like a thin blanket.

Where was he? Taken aback, he jumped off the Suicune, which caused it to cry and run away. He gazed around himself and saw the beautiful Beautiflies roaming and the cute Bunearys hopping in jolliness.

If it was his dream, then he decided to make the best of it. He walked seriously to a tree and found a small Hoothoot. He smiled as the Hoothoot fluttered and flew with glee.

“Dreams are much better than reality,” he yelled as loud as he could.

Suddenly, he heard a splish-splosh in the distance. He scattered over to the orange fish. It was a weak Magikarp.

“Hmm, according to my research, Gyarados evolves from Magikarp. Maybe I can catch a Magikarp.”

He picked up a Great Ball, looking at its gold shiny pattern. He released a pink cat Pokemon. It was a Skitty. It wagged its tail in sassiness, and then dashed up to the flopping Magikarp, slashing it with fierce and sharp claws.

The Magikarp jumped on Skitty, wetting it. Skitty ran away with frizzed fur. Marq giggled.

“Skitty, use Faint Attack!” Marq screamed, making Skitty jump. The silence of the fantasized surroundings turned into a Pokemon Arena.

Skitty zoomed up as fast as thunder and gave it a swift kick, making the Magikarp toss and turn. It was slowly dying.

Magikarp flopped up to the pink cat and gave it a kick, resembling the attack Flail. Skitty flew backwards and hit a wall.

“Skitty, return!” Marq muttered in disappointment. Skitty was Marq’s only Pokemon. He walked away in sadness. The arena faded back to a fantasy forest.

The blazing sun’s rays blinded Marq. Suddenly, Marq heard hard footsteps. He thought for a moment that Big Foot was approaching. A brown large beast with fire across it approached him. It took only a second to recognize that Entei, his favorite Pokemon, had asked him if he can join the team.

When the arena surrounded him once again, he knew that he would catch that Magikarp. Without warning, the Magikarp tackled Entei, only giving Entei a small scratch. Entei leaped on Magikarp and blew blazing red flames, which covered Magikarp. The burnt brown Magikarp laid dead on the green tufts of grass. The arena faded away once again.

Marq took out an empty Pokeball and threw it hard on the Magikarp. The ball jiggled and wiggled about, making Marq cross his fingers.

Suddenly, the forest turned into Marq’s bedroom. It was early in the morning in Lilycove City. Marq smiled. It was the best dream he had ever dreamt.

Had he caught it?

The Jr Trainer
03-07-2008, 12:09 AM
Sorry for being long timed on this grade. :x

Plot/Story:
A boy has a dream, in this dream he meets the three legendary ‘dogs’ and somewhat befriends them? He seems a Magikarp fly out of no where and then he battles it, wanting to capture it, meets Entei uses it to battle after his Skitty faints, and pretty much kills the little carp Pokemon.

This was defiantly better than most Magikarp stories, it wasn’t just “goes to lake and throws Pokeball,” it was a bit creative for the little karp, and was a nice spin from the usual, which is very good. Making the plot creative is nice, and makes the story easy and more fun to read than those usual boring stories for a Magikarp, even ones with detail. :x Good job with the plot and story and such; but be sure to make them more complex and better and more fun and whatnot in your next, newer stories! :D

Introduction:
There wasn’t much of anything here. Make sure you tell what the character is like, which you didn’t do. On the other hand, you did a nice skeptical view of what the setting and surrounding areas were like, which is a good start. But you can always add more and more to make the story even better. ^^

Grammar/Spelling:
This was great, actually. I didn’t see anything wrong, though not much could go wrong in such a short story. No mistakes is a good thing (obviously :x) and you should keep up the good work on this. ^^;

Remember:
- Proofread your story, gets all those nasty mistakes out that could influence your grade… badly.
- Use a spell checker to find those little mix ups and mess ups that you type out. :P

Length:
Yeah, find for a Magikarp.

Detail:
This was a bit on the lesser side, but however, it’s a Magikarp. So it doesn’t need all that much detail, but you should still have some, and you did. Remember to give it a bit more detail, make it like a pop-out book in everyone’s eyes and make them remember what they read and not just forget it immediately. Add in more details, taste, smell, feeling, looks. And don’t just leave that to the characters, put some description into the surroundings and whatnot. Everything has a look and feel (well most things have a feel o_O), so tell us about them and make us remember it, sometimes you can use more complex things to go in the story, but simpler is good sometimes too. ^^;

This could use improvement, but what can’t use improvement? :P

Battle:
I know this was just a Magikarp, but it could be more of a battle. It was just Flailing around, and then Entei came and ripped it apart. :/ Have the battle be somewhat exciting, maybe even put the Magikarp ahead, which you did, but only for a split second or two. Maybe the Magikarp has some mystic power or something and hurts the Entei horribly and something, blah, blah. Make it more exciting and fun, since this is just about usually all the action that happens in the story, don’t make it bland and boring, make it fun and exciting! :D

More work could be done on this, it should be more like an anime battle for sure, and a bit more detail could be added, but other than that, nothing seems to be wrong here…

Final Outcome:
Sorry this took so long, I was kicked from the computer for a while… but here is the outcome! Magikarp captured! As most (yes, most, like 99%) of them are. :x

Shozuka
03-08-2008, 12:01 AM
Alright, thanks! I'll go edit my stats. :) And it's okay that you took a little long. I've waited longer, like two weeks.