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RawrIsMyMiddleName
03-11-2008, 05:34 AM
Amidst the last few seconds of sitting in her seat, Phoebe had been the least excited for summer vacation. With all the goodbyes, and people glad there was no more school, Phoebe White had been frustrated with leaving school. She liked it so much, and would miss it when she left. She was probably the only one in her class who felt that way, because everyone looked happy. She only had one friend also, who was going to vacation, so Phoebe was all alone for vacation.

“What is there to do for summer vacation? I mean, there’s no summer projects assigned, it’s going to be boring,” she said, after the bell rang, as she walked out of school. “The worst thing is, no Emily.” This disappointed her a lot also. She was going to be alone; her mom and dad gone, all she had was herself, and Smoochum. For her, vacation was a bummer. She didn’t want to leave school, and she was going to be alone. The least thing she could do was enroll herself in summer school, but her parents wanted her to enjoy summer.

Phoebe was happy that report cards came, though, because after all of the worrying she got a B, she changed it into an A- before the school year ended, which made her a little happy. As she took her way over to her house walkway, she glanced at it a little more, while she could see a row of A’s coming down, which had been her grades. She liked her grades, and was proud of herself. She took her key from her side pocket, and opened the door, which lead her to an empty house, which she was afraid to call her own.

She entered and slumped down with her backpack still on to the couch. Her family pet, Glameow, jumped on her and slept on her, like she always did. The bored girl turned on her television, and watched a series of cartoons. She didn’t feel the vacation would turn out good. She didn’t feel it was “vacation”, because all she was doing was staying home. Her family and friends got to enjoy it, but she stayed at home with one thing, which also didn’t cheer her up, her small cat Pokémon.

After what was like hours of cartoons, she slumped to her backpack. Tired, she realized she had her science book, whereas she forgot to check it in for someone to get it next year. Although she might be fined, she still loved science. She went ahead and flipped the pages of the thick book, ‘Pokémon Science’, and read it. There seemed to be a lot her class didn’t get to do, and she saw that it was a lot of things. She read about a lot of Pokémon Types, trainers, and all about breeding. She felt interested in working on a project, which would make her happier.

She flashed through page after page, reading and finding a topic for her little project. Though, a lot of subjects amazed her and she wanted to do one of them, there was a lot to choose from. She didn’t know whether to go with making a thing like a potion, using substances and a lot of things to make an effect in battling. She also felt like she wanted to make a device easier to go for trainers, like a belt to make holding their stuff easier, but all of her ideas stunk.

Papers of designing fell into the trash bin, and before she knew it, the night was coming. She had needed sleep, but she knew a lot of people slept late at vacation. She squirmed, trying to find the right thing, but she didn’t even pick a base. After evening out the pro’s and con’s of the ideas she wanted, she came up with the idea she wanted to make a substance for battling. She didn’t want it to be major; she just wanted it to help a little, like the antidotes or berries made. Though she picked a base, she had a lot to do with her project still.

More and more trash projects, while it was still the same night. Afraid she might sleep too late; she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and do what she does every night. She jumped into bed, and fell asleep, but that’s when it hit her most. She knew what she wanted to do, the lesson she learned before summer vacation began. Their teacher, Mr. Raquel, had told them about making a hybrid, a Pokémon mixed up all together, but as no one finished one, Phoebe wanted to make her own.

She went up again, after five minutes, and grabbed her notepad and pencil. She drew a figure of what she wanted, a mix of Pidgeot, to make the hybrid Pokémon fly, a part of Salamence, for the hybrid’s power, Alakazam, to make the Pokémon a genius, Jolteon, to make the Pokémon as fast as the speed of sound, and lastly, Ralts, for the color of the hybrid Pokémon. Though she didn’t have a good past with fighting Pokémon, she was dozy, and didn’t notice. It was fine, though, she knew she would have to face her fears sometime…

After writing it all, she felt like she had to have sleep. She dozed off as soon as she got in her bed, anxious while also tired. She was going to work on it first thing in the morning, so she had to get some sleep. But she was thinking, Pidgeot, Salamence, Alakazam, Jolteon; she knew where to get them, but as she was reluctant to have Ralts, after noticing in her dreams, she hadn’t known where to get one. She had to go around homes, she knew, to find the Ralts.

***

Morning hit Sunnyshore; Phoebe woke up right in the crack of noon. Though it was much later than she expected it to be, she got up and once she did wake up, she didn’t care about eating or brushing her teeth, she went, grabbed her notebook, and started writing some more for her and her project. Glameow, who had been beside her, was watching, while Smoochum played around with the books Phoebe had brought, reading a little bit of the books. Though she couldn’t read, it still attempted to be like Phoebe, reading a lot.

“So, let’s see, we’ll need a feather of Pidgeot’s wings, which wouldn’t be too much,” she murmured. “While I need a piece of Alakazam’s whiskers; and I can get an Eevee expert, the one who lives around the block, to get a piece of Jolteon. Salamence and Ralts might be harder; I don’t know where I can find one.” She was thinking hard for it, but she didn’t think her idea was good. Though she knew Riley, her next door neighbor, had a Pidgeot, she checked it off the list to do.

She then designed the more complex stuff; like how she wanted it to look after it was done, what she had to do, and a lot of stuff in the plan for the project. Despite the fact she didn’t know much about the subject, she still had a tough job. Getting online for research, she read a bit about hybrids. She knew she was going to be the youngest hybrid maker, and she was going to be so happy with the result if she did. She had read the history of hybrids, how someone made one, and a lot of other stuff about them. She grinned, and logged off.

Then, she went for a bite to eat. She took the route to the café close by, with her bike and Smoochum and Glameow. They had been on the bike’s basket; which she had installed years ago. She smiled on her way, knowing the café had plenty of food. She grinned on her way; seeing a lot of people from her school. She watched them play, and taking their vacation to not work and relax. Phoebe knew she could be like that, but she felt like doing a project was more fun.

She jumped off her bike when she reached the café, and halted in through the door. She smiled, grabbed Glameow and Smoochum, and then sat on the table that had two chairs. She told her Pokémon to share a chair; and she sat on her own. Amongst waiting for about five minutes, Phoebe saw the waiter pass by. He smiled, grabbed his notepad and pen, waiting for her order. Despite the fact she was hungry and had a lot of money, she wanted a small bite to eat; she didn’t want to overdo it.

“Um, let’s see,” she replied. “I’ll take one Caesar Salad, along with a Pepsi. I guess I can take two Poké Bites also. Oh, and the ice cream banana sundae too, I’ll have that.” She said; looking over at a male and a female couple eating one of them. The man nodded, while Phoebe then waited again for her food to come. The café hadn’t made her wait; it was about a few minutes. The same boy came back, putting the salad, drink, and the two plates of Pokémon food.

“I shall give the sundae after the food, unless you want it now. Would you like it now?” he exclaimed. Phoebe shook her head in a non-agreeable way, and he left. She took her time eating the food; while Glameow and Smoochum ate their own food. It was a delight, and with the boy who noticed she finished, the sundae came. Quickly, the three of them ate it too. Whilst getting the bill also, Phoebe took 40 dollars, 5 dollars for her tip. She didn’t realize that it would be so expensive for that meal.

She walked out, with her two Pokémon coming onto the bike already. She jumped on it herself, and went home. She smiled, watching the Pidgey in the air whilst going there. She smiled, realized her project, and then quickly remembered that her classmate beside the café’s father owned a Pidgeot, so she could ask. She turned her bike around, and went up, about one minute. It was not at all far, so she walked over to the door, and knocked lightly. Glameow and Smoochum had then followed, when the door opened.

“Hi there, Phoebe, is it? Hello, is there something you wanted?” she told her. “Wanted something to do for the summer?” She then grinned, while Phoebe shook her head. She looked curious then; wondering what it is. She glanced at Smoochum and Glameow, and made a light grin. “Aww, they look so cute. Glameow and Smoochum, yes? I totally love them! They’re so cute,” she said, kneeling down to them. Phoebe then did too, ready to say what she came there for.

“Your dad has a Pidgeot, right?” the girl nodded. “I need one for my summer project. I’m going to need a piece of its DNA, because I’m trying to make a hybrid Pokémon with it.” The girl nodded again; and murmured something around, “I’ll fetch him.” She then went over, and Phoebe watched her come back, with a bald man. It was her father, Phoebe understood, and while he waved, she smiled. She wondered if he was willing to give one of his Pokémon to his daughter’s classmate; but she wanted it so much.

“Well, I heard you wanted Pidgeot? I have it here,” he said, passing Phoebe the red-and-white device. “I need it for a tournament this Saturday, so I need it by then. Have fun with your project though!” He grinned; and Phoebe left the house. She moved outside onto her bike, and began on her way out of the house driveway. She left, the Pidgeot falling behind, while she pedaled fast to her house. She was so excited, but she went as fast as she could, excited. Smiling, she waited for the Pidgeot to catch up a little, as she was going fast.

***

For the next two weeks, Phoebe had done all of the Pokémon except one. The last Pokémon, Ralts, has not been found around her town. She still had faith; she knew she could find one. She looked around the weeks; she even went to two towns near to find Ralts. She hadn’t found it, but she was going to another town close. She was going to find it there, Cianwood, the home of fighting Pokémon. She grinned at the fact it was full of fighting Pokémon, and got on her bike.

Her house was a little too close to her town. With Cianwood being the dominant town of its island, it had one small one, which was Phoebe’s. She took the closest town last, as she wanted to go to the farthest first. Grinning, she packed up a few stuff, and went on her bike, with Glameow and Smoochum on her basket again. She walked peacefully, with her heavy backpack being played by her two Pokémon, messing around with it on the basket. She had some groceries to do before her parents got home tomorrow also, but she didn’t mind them until it was later.

Passing through, the wind striking her hair, she sped up a little. Her Pokémon, Smoochum feeling queasy, the other one looking relaxed, her pack in the basket was safe, as Glameow was holding on to it. She passed her town, and entered Cianwood, waiting to enter the cave that was there, the cave that had the fighting Pokémon. She couldn’t wait to find a cute, little Ralts, so she sped up a little more. She reminded herself to check out the gym, where Chuck was there, a fighting Pokémon expert. She could learn stuff from him; he was good.

All of a sudden, her bike went crazy mad. It turned and turned, and she couldn’t control it. She felt she was so close to getting hit from a tree and could be falling anytime. Glameow was holding onto the pack, while Smoochum held onto the basket, hard. She wanted not to fall, as the same for Phoebe and Glameow. Determined to make it out safe, Phoebe stopped her feet, pushed down on the floor, risking her life. She got so close with her basket nearly hitting the tree, but was safe from getting hit further. She smiled; safe.

Glameow and Smoochum jumped off the basket with her backpack as soon as the bike stopped, while she got off. She checked everything, and it was all right in the front. Then, she found out her tire was popped. She didn’t know how; it caught her from surprise. She was lost, because she didn’t know what or who did it. She checked around, all she found was her pack, herself, and her Pokémon. She waited for something to happen, a Pokémon to pop out or something.

She saw a hole, and instantly knew a Pokémon had been hiding there. She opened it, but the smart Pokémon had set it as a trap. It had pulled her leg; and Smoochum and Glameow came out, attempting to pull her out. It couldn’t work, because the Pokémon or the human had taken Phoebe by her legs, with a leaf. Still, she had no trace on the Pokémon or who did it, and felt in a bad mood. It was hurt; but she knew she was going to be out soon with her helpful Pokémon attempting to take her out. She was pulled, and fell on her back, her leg still in there. She felt blood dripping, she didn’t mind it.

The Pokémon then revealed itself. It was a cute little Pokémon; much like Glameow and Smoochum. The Pokémon was also small, and Glameow had looked as if she was threatening the poor little Pokémon. Running up to it with her fang-like teeth, the Pokémon had come out. Of course, Glameow had never listened to Phoebe, and since she was stuck also, she couldn’t run to catch the little Pokémon. Smoochum, being the darling Pokémon it was, grabbed the cat Pokémon out of its way.

The Pokémon explained, looking embarrassed, while the other Pokémon, which looked clearly as Ralts looked understanding. She grinned; smiling while they had understood. Smoochum had then learned what happened and why the Ralts did what it had did to Phoebe, while it also cut the vine off as soon as she heard it. Smoochum got in Phoebe’s hand as she left, the Glameow then relaxed, getting on the bite. Then Smoochum explained while Phoebe understood the Pokémon speech. With the strange happening, she told Smoochum to go for battle.

It was a battle. The Pokémon were set, and were determined to battle. Ralts looked as if it was about to attack. As it did so, she looked like it was concentrating, while sending a wave through the distance of the Pokémon. The waves had been purple colored, while it also had shown, as if it had shocked Smoochum. It was a telekinetic wave; that the Pokémon had felt as if it was very confusing. Smoochum looked a little dazed, but overcame it after a few spins.

It was then the cute little Pokémon’s turns. It wasn’t a great battler, but had great listening skills. It hears its trainer yell, “Use Blizzard, attempt the icy attack!” And it does so. The crazy attempt worked, freezing Phoebe herself. The blizzard, howling and freezing and all, was summoned from Smoochum’s behind, going to Ralts. The Pokémon couldn’t stand a chance, being so small, while the huge boulders of ice and pieces of hail the size of the Pokémon hitting it. The damage was done; but Ralts was standing tall and strong.

It was then its turn again. It then shot quickly against Smoochum, being a pounding leaf attack. The attack, a full out Magical Leaf, scattered a few leaves around the little Kissing Pokémon, hitting it down onto the floor. But still, the Pokémon was strong, very strong, and wanted to win this Pokémon for Phoebe. She kept up, a little, while the Pokémon’s aftermath let it lying. It still came up, this time holding up. The Pokémon, a little dizzy from the last turn was making it harder.

It kept up, and this time trying to make a breakthrough. Phoebe shouted, “Sing, now! Serenade this Pokémon to sleep!” Smoochum did so, singing with a loud voice. Though it seemed tone deaf, it still did well. Ralts was asleep, and it didn’t attack for the round. So it was another chance for Phoebe and Smoochum. It was another time to attack, and Phoebe and Smoochum would take that time to keep attacking. She could win, but something went wrong.

Smoochum, from the dizziness of the earlier attack, had feel down. It was too dizzy, and though it was devastating for Phoebe, it fell down, and Ralts could’ve awoken any moment. She had to risk it, and use Glameow, the stubborn Pokémon. Before Ralts woke up, Phoebe could throw a few attacks, and win the Pokémon. She called the Pokémon, who came as she held food out, and it was going to battle. She didn’t think that Glameow would do well, though, since she never saw it battle.

“Slash, now! Full power attack, now!” Phoebe cried; the Pokémon actually following. The slash of the claws coming from the cat Pokémon, even adding a twist of biting the Pokémon with razor sharp teeth, it did a big amount of damage. The Pokémon was hurt, for sure, and it did a sure fire attack. It made the sleeping Pokémon dazed and confused, knocked out. The Pokémon was hit, and Phoebe was glad. Time to go for the capture, throwing a Pokéball, Phoebe smiled. Was it caught?

Phantom Kat
03-15-2008, 06:04 AM
Sorry, felt bad last night and I went out early this morning. D=

Plot: Phoebe White is not looking forward to summer unlike her classmates. As she is reading her science book, she comes up with a burst of inspiration: making her own hybrid Pokemon. She immediately goes to work and manages to collect a sample of each Pokemon she needs except a Ralts. Weeks go by and she finally decides to go near Cianwood and on her way, she experiences an accident. A Ralts is the cause and after an apology, a battle begins.

The plot itself was nice, I’ve seen this this kind of plot once before and it did work well. It still had the “go looking for a Pokemon” element but the twist of creating a new hybrid Pokemon made this original enough for the little Ralts.

However, the story seemed boring to read despite what was happening. It all seemed like one even after another since you told rather than showed. Action doesn’t have to be the main point of the story and it isn’t what makes a story good but incorporating a little action to your story can spice it up and make it interesting to read. Maybe the Pidgeot she borrowed did not cooperate and tried to escape from her and she had to go through a mad chase in the city to get the bird Pokemon back. Or, maybe she had to resort to “stealing” a Pokemon temporarily to get the DNA. Even though you’re going for Ralts and the real action doesn’t happen until the end, you should still make the rest of your story interesting and fun to read; don’t rush it so that can you get to the battle.

There was something I didn’t quite get. How exactly was she going to make her own hybrid Pokemon? Did she have to make some kind of potion or brew or something else? You mentioned that she researched this topic but it would be nice to fill in the reader as to what she was going to do; she knows but we don’t which creates some unneeded plot holes.

Introduction: Phoebe is not looking forward to summer until she gets home and gets some inspiration from her science book. Soon, she goes on a quest to build her own hybrid Pokemon.

Though it did tell me what was going to happen in the story and why, I felt as though you didn’t introduce your character or your surroundings at all. You mentioned that Phoebe was smart (according to her grades) and that she didn’t like summer vacation because there was nothing to do but who exactly is Phoebe? What does she look like, what’s her personality? Also, what about the surroundings? I did not see them at all, it was just her going from school to her home and watching TV. Was it a sunny day or a cold afternoon? How was her house empty; was it huge and dark with no sound reaching her ears? Remember, your character is not in a bubble and your character has features like the color of their hair or how tall they are; an intro should introduce both of these factors.

Grammar/Spelling: This section was okay, no major errors that I found. The only thing that got me was that some sentences seemed to be worded rather awkwardly.

The Pokémon explained, looking embarrassed, while the other Pokémon, which looked clearly as Ralts looked understanding.

This part confused me but I’m sure you meant that the other Pokemon had a look of understanding. Maybe something like this would make the meaning clearer:

The Pokemon explained, looking embarrassed, while the other Pokemon had a look of understanding.

She wanted not to fall, as the same for Phoebe and Glameow.

Again, it’s a worded a bit weird. ^^; Maybe something like:

Just like Phoebe and Glameow, she did not want to fall.

Just read your story aloud and see if your sentences aren’t confusing for you and sometimes, less fancy sentences are the best ones ‘cause they are straightforward. ;)

Small tip: All numbers below a 100 need to be spelled out.

Length: Meh, no problems here.

Description/Detail: To my utter dismay, there was none. D=

I didn’t see anything from Phoebe to Smoochum or the town. You didn’t include colors or smell or touch, the only description that I saw was at the end during the battle but even that was minimal. Remember, description, description, description. What did Phoebe look like, the Pokemon she wanted the DNA from. What did the hybrid she created look like? All the characters (especially the main ones like Phoebe, Glameow, and Smoochum) and their surroundings need to be seen by the reader, you can’t count on events to make a story good. Even a boring event like Phoebe going to the café can be spiced up by vibrant description. I won’t go into detail because I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty advice from previous grades but just remember, use all of your senses to describe everything.

Battle: The battle was two sided and lengthy enough for a Medium Pokemon but the main thing that bugged me was that it was too much of a GameBoy battle and I think it had to do with the lack of description. The attacks need to be described from the moment they are powered up all the way into it hit’s the target Pokemon. You mentioned Blizzard was a howling and ferocious, expand on that. Did it freeze nearby plants, did the area drop on temperature? Just like the characters and surroundings, you need to describe the attacks to bring the battle to life.

Outcome: The plot and the overall idea was nice but it was boring read with no description to anything. Sorry but, Ralts not captured! Add an intro that hooks in the reader, add description to everything in your story (characters, surroundings, attacks, etc), and the little Psychic Pokemon is yours. =3

- Kat