04-27-2008, 06:39 PM
Sorry, took me a bit longer than I had anticipated.
Introduction: You don’t really start with anything in the way of a hook, to get the reader really interested in the story. You just begin by saying that they were in a café drinking Moomoo milk, and even that, you don’t really describe. Instead of just saying ‘this, this, and this happened’, use words to show what they did. Write about them seeing the café, what they originally thought of it, why they decided to go in. And, once they do get it, tell us what it looks like, describe the setting. You really didn’t lead up to the first events at all, and setting the stage for the rest of the story is important, even if it is boring. It gives your readers a chance to get a feel for the characters, show us who they are and what they are like.
Also, you completely skipped the characters’ histories. What happened to them before now? Where is Riley from? Where did Professor Elm find Chopper, and why did he give him to Riley? Again, this helps us get an idea of the character you have pictured before the story even starts, and allows readers to become more attached to him and actually care about what happens.
Plot: I actually really liked the plot. The idea of using Skill Swap as a way of transferring more than just abilities is incredibly original, and I like it. The whole ‘trying to take over the world’ plot is a bit cliché, granted, but it works pretty well here. Though, I have some problems with how realistic things are. For example, the Dusknoir out of the blue deciding to tell Riley his plans to take over the world. This may be done in cartoons, but stories are generally a lot more serious, and the villains don’t just blurt out their evil plans.
It also seems a bit strange to me that the Dusknoir would just turn to the side of evil on a whim. He apparently cared for his trainer, since he went ballistic when he died, but as soon as he figured out what Skill Swap could really do, his mind automatically went to taking over the world. You needed to really better explain how he descended into that, because most people don’t just randomly become evil. Maybe, instead of him wanting to take over the world, he was driven mad by his trainer’s death, and as a result blamed the world, even though it was really his fault. He could have wanted to steal Palkia’s powers in order to destroy the world and so get his revenge. To me, that makes a bit more sense than randomly wanting to take over, but if you can find a way to better explain why he would, I would be fine with that.
Grammar: There were quite a few mistakes, but most were pretty simple mix ups. Not too bad on this section.
Riley, a 10-year old novice trainer with black hair and a T-shirt with a picture of Dialga, and his best friend and starter Pokémon, Chopper (Sneasel), obtained from Professor Elm, was just about to enter the café of Route 210 to relax with a bottle of Moomoo Milk, as a flashing light appeared right in front of them.
When writing a story, it’s best not to put things in parenthesis. In this case, you should just put ‘the Sneasel’ in place of it.
“Hmm….”, Riley said, “Cool Pokémon!”
The comma after ‘hmm’ isn’t necessary. Only put a comma inside the quotations, and even then, only if there isn’t another kind of punctuation there already. Also, since you ended ‘Riley said’ with a comma, the C on ‘cool’ should be lower case.
After a few hours of Moomoo Milk (0.o), they went to Riley’s aunt to sleep over.
Again, the parenthesis aren’t really needed. This would be better if you just left them out completely.
Chopper was chanceless.
I honestly didn’t know that ‘chanceless’ was a word. Still, ‘didn’t have a chance’ would probably work better here than ‘was chanceless’.
But right before the Beam was gonna send Chopper flying through Sinnoh, a teleport light appeared in front of him, blocking the beam.
Outside of dialogue, it’s best not to use slang in a story. ‘Going to’ would work better here.
“What is going on here?” a spooky voice said.
Since the quotation ends with a question mark, the A needs to be capitalized.
“Give me that Ralts!” the Dusknoir said.
The T on ‘the’ needs to be capitalized.
At the second it hit Chopper, it fell to the ground without being able to move a muscle.
‘At’ isn’t really needed in the sentence, and it would flow better if taken out.
It was very fun to use, but I did not realize that there was more in it than just switching abilities with other Pokémons.
The plural of ‘Pokemon’ is actually just ‘Pokemon’, kinda like how the plural of ‘sheep’ is ‘sheep’, and ‘deer’ is ‘deer’.
“But of course. =.=”
Don’t use smilies or emoticons in stories to convey how a character is feeling. That’s what description is for.
“Marvellous, but why do you need the little innocent Ralts?”
It’s actually spelled ‘marvelous’.
All I had to do was to learn it the TM Skill Swap, hypnotize it, and send it to Palkia’s dimension.
‘Learn’ should be ‘teach’.
But then (Just as I had told it) Ralts stole Palkia’s power with Skill Swap.
Rather than using parenthesis, you should put commas in their place instead.
Riley ran (with Chopper on his back) with all his power away from Dusknoir.
This can easily be edited to work without the parenthesis by changing it to:
Riley, with Chopper on his back, ran with all his power away from Dusknoir.
“Guess it’s the end then, Chopper; Good bye.”
When using a semi colon, you don’t need to capitalize the next word. So, the G on ‘good’ should be lower case.
How could anyone do such things to complete innocent people?!
A couple things with this sentence. First, only one thing is really happening to them, so ‘things’ should be ‘thing’. And, ‘complete’ should be ‘completely’.
Most of the Paralyze was gone now, and Chopper rushed into Dusknoir with full power.
Paralyze is actually a verb. The word you want here is ‘paralysis’. Also, status conditions don’t need to be capitalized in a story, even if they are in games.
Dusknoir flied through its own dimension of darkness…
The proper word here is ‘flew’.
“Heh. This place wasn’t much of a difference.”
Unless the character is talking about something happening in the past, dialogue should be in present tense, so ‘wasn’t’ should be ‘isn’t’.
“Wow! Way to go, Ralts!”
“But… wait! How are we supposed to get out of here, when Ralts has given away its Dimension-travelling powers?”
When the same character is talking, there is no need to divide two parts of dialogue into two paragraphs.
Chopper didn’t understand why it should attack again when it knew that Ralts would teleport away?
This sentence isn’t actually a question, so it needs a period at the end, not a question mark.
Length: To be completely honest, this part isn’t all that important. What I consider it to be is rather a warning sign, indicating whether or not you’ve really put enough into the story to capture the Pokemon you’re going for. For a Ralts, it is best to shoot from 10-20k. By writing that much, it shows that you’ve put in enough effort to capture the Pokemon. However, you wrote about 8k. That means you need to add to this, mainly in the area of description, which brings me to my next section.
Detail/Description: This story is in desperate need of this. You do use description to some extent, mostly in your block description of your characters at the beginning, but that really isn’t enough. As a writer, it is our job to paint a picture with words, to allow our readers to see exactly what it is we see in our heads. We also need to write it in a way that it is easy to read and understand. By writing a block of bland description, it is like the whole story stops, just to show what the characters look like. You need to try and add these details into actions, to keep it moving so your readers don’t get bored.
The door opened, and a girl walked in. The girl had blue eyes, blonde hair, and wore a pretty green dress.
That sentence is pretty boring, right? Hardly even worth reading. But if we add better descriptive words, and use actions to help describe them…
The door slid open on silent hinges, and a girl sailed past, gliding gracefully into the room. As she turned to close it again, her soft emerald dress trailed behind her. Once it was closed once more, she moved a lock of blonde hair out of her face and behind her ear, then turned to face the room with glittering azure eyes.
This description is much more interesting to read, and keeps the reader’s attention so that their mind doesn’t wander.
Don’t think you’ll be great at this the first time you try it, though. It takes time to become a good writer. One of the best ways to get better is by reading, and pay attention to the way the writers describe. If you’re not interested in reading books, you can always try reading some of the URPG stories here. Tyranitar Trainer, PhantomKat, and Embreon are all great writers, and reading their stories can help you get better.
Battle: The battle was, to put it bluntly, short. There was hardly any exchange of attacks at all. The battle is the climax of the story, the highest point that the rest of the action lead up to, and you should try to make it as exciting as possible. Make it two sided as well, with several attacks on both sides. Feel free to drag it out. It is also important to describe the attacks. Not everyone may know what Shadow Claw looks like, so tell us. How did it hit, where did it hit, what it looked like, how did the other Pokemon react, all this is important. Keep it all in mind when you are writing the battle.
Outcome: I’m sorry, but Ralts not Captured! There just seems to be a lot of things in this story that really need work to make it better, and it’s just not quite up to par with what is expected for a Ralts. Work on description especially. If you edit and add on to this, just PM me, and I’ll be happy to do a regrade.
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