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Umbreon Shadow
06-04-2005, 09:24 PM
My first story yay!


Snuggling under his warm blanket, Shadow was having a great dream. He had beaten every gym and all of the Elites! He had even beat the greatest trainer in the world... Ash Ketchum but just when he was about to get the trophy,

"Briiiiinnnggg! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!" rang Shadow's alarm clock. His mother had given it to him to make him wake up. He had never liked it and whenever he tried to stop it, it would shock him because it was a Pikachu clock.

"Awwhhhh, do I have to wake up?!" Shadow shouted as he rubbed his dark blue eyes, "What time is it?" He asked his Eevee. His father had given it to him when he was only 5.

His room had grey and white walls, a dresser, a closet and lots of pictures of dark pokemon. Shadow had short brown hair that was a little spiky.

"Eee, Eevee!" Eevee shouted as he started to pull on Shadow's blankets. "Okay, okay! I'll get up." Shadow muttered as he got up from his bed and went to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and went back into his room. Eevee was tugging on something black in his drawer. It was Shadow's bandana.

"You wanna wear it Eevee?" He asked and Eevee nodded. "Ok." Shadow said as he tied the bandana around Eevee's neck. Eevee was happy! "Now I have to get ready!" Shadow said as he put on his dark jeans, his white t-shirt then a black shirt on top of that without the buttons done up, his black and silver sneakers and of course, his black hat with an Umbreon on it.

He left and went out of his room. Downstairs, his mother said that his friends were looking for him. He went outside to look for his friends. They were about to go to Oldale Town but then Shadow called them. Their names were Aqua and Blaze. Aqua was 10 just like Shadow and loved water pokemon. She had a Mudkip. She was really peaceful too. Blaze was 10 and loved electric pokemon. He had a Pichu as his starter.

“You wanna go catch some pokemon with us?” Aqua asked, “Ok! Take out your pokemon!” Shadow suggested.

“Alright! Go Pichu!” Blaze shouted as he threw out a pokeball which opened and shot out a beam of light. It started to form and finally turned into a Pichu! Aqua shouted out, “Go Mudkip!” and she also threw out a pokeball, which shot out a beam of light. It had formed a pokemon then turned into Mudkip!

“Mudkip!” “Pi, Pichu!” Aqua and Blaze’s pokemon had called. They walked over to Eevee and they started playing. “Let’s go now!” Blaze whined, “Ok, ok!” Shadow shouted. They started walking into the grass and saw something moving! There was a Wurmple, a Weedle and a Caterpie!
“I’ll take Weedle, Aqua can take the Wurmple and Blaze can take the Caterpie!” Shadow compromised, “Ok!” Aqua and Blaze agreed. A battle had begun!
“Come on Eevee! Let’s go!” Shadow yelled as the wild Weedle attacked! It used Poison Sting! “Hurry Eevee dodge then tackle!” Shadow said to Eevee. Eevee jumped up avoiding the purple sticks flying through the air then used tackle on Weedle. It ran into Weedle and slammed into it. It was a critical hit! Weedle wasn’t about to give up. It kept shooting Poison Sting! It hit Eevee and it was flung back to Shadow. “Eevee no! Here’s a potion!” Shadow said as he gave a potion to Eevee. It got right back up and tackled Weedle! Weedle used String Shot back! A white string shot out of Weedle’s mouth and tried to hit Eevee. Eevee jumped back and used Tail Whip. It shook it’s tail at Weedle, Then it used Growl. It let out a fierce roar at Weedle! Weedle’s defense and attack was lowered!

Weedle used String Shot again and Eevee was caught! Weedle then used Poison Sting! It hit Eevee directly! Eevee fell to the ground. “No Eevee! Try and wake up come on! You can do it!” Shadow shouted. Eevee had believed and he went right back up. It used Sand Attack then Tackle! It scratched the ground and shot sand into Weedle’s eyes. Then it ran into Weedle again! Weedle had fainted! “Now’s the perfect time. Go pokeball!” Shadow shouted.

The Weedle had been sucked into the pokeball. It started to twitch, once, twice…

Daniella Defines Divinity
06-04-2005, 09:36 PM
Story - Typical starting out story, nothing good, nothing bad

Detail - It was alright, but you kind of lost it during the battle, you need to keep it up all the way through


Spelling/Grammar - Not too shaby, that parapragph nearer the end has some breaks in it missing though

Realism - no problems here

Battle - Not exactly exciting, but it was just a weedle, there's not much you can do with a weedle battle. It could have been longer, and like I said you seemed to run low on description towards the end

Length - It could be longer, but for a first catch and it just being a weedle, it was good, although keep in mind, next time it'll have to be longer and if you want a rare Pokemon it has to be even longer

Outcome - Captured, congrats. To be honest this was rather average, but it is a catch, you might want to try introducing some new ideas to spice it up a little next time

Umbreon Shadow
06-04-2005, 09:38 PM
oh ok thanks! I'll try better for my next catches!

It's my first story so my next ones, i'm going to make them better