Thread: Ocean of Chac
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Old 04-09-2007, 08:02 PM
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FireflyK Offline
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Default Re: Inferno Island

Plot: Your plot was certainly original. The villain was unusual, and quite interesting. This is certainly more than the usual "Kid goes in long grass and finds a Pokemon". ^_^ Good job.

Details: Ah, details. You had a lot of nice ones here. You have an neat way of describing everything, and I find the things you choose to tell more about to be interesting. Try to add smell descriptons, as well, or just include as many of the sense as possible. Overall, however, this was very good. I was particularly fond of your description of the rock that was like a black hole.

Grammar: Your grammar is pretty good. ^_^ Nice work, the story was well spaced and written, and easy to read.

Battle: This part was what needs improvement, to be honest. You wrote over 40K for Charmeleon, yet the battle was about 5K or a bit less. :\ I know you might not wanna write a 20K or so battle... But I really feel this is too short for a Charmeleon. Also, if you are going to write a short battle, remember to add a lot of description.

Overall: The very short battle put this right on the border. :\ However, the story was very good, even if the battle needs length, so Charmeleon Captured. However, in the future, I expect a longer battle from you if you're going to get another capture.

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.

I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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