View Single Post
  #11  
Old 10-18-2008, 11:02 AM
-Pichu Boy-'s Avatar
-Pichu Boy- Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: The land of tea and fish 'n' chips
Posts: 3,959
Send a message via AIM to -Pichu Boy-
Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Dibsing.

PLOT:

Adam has just captured his new Drifloon, and goes to the Pokémon Centre to heal it. After leaving, he notices his friend, Jeff, has left. He goes looking for him, then finds that a thief has stolen someone’s Bonsly. Adam runs after them, but gets his head smashed with a broken wine glass.

A week later, he leaves the hospital that he has recovered in, and goes to find Jeff again. He goes to Jeff’s house and reads a notice, saying that he has moved to the Hoenn region. Adam decides to follow him, but then sees a Machop beating up a little girl, so he sends out Houndour to defend her. Houndour then gets defeated, so Adam sends out Horsea.

A good plot, however, it seemed a little jumpy. For example, when Jeff had suddenly disappeared. Wouldn’t Adam have heard him go, or Nurse Joy would’ve seen them come in together, but then see Jeff leaving without saying anything, then asked Adam where Jeff was going.

Also, how did Adam know where the thief had gone? He just so happened to run the right way that the thief went, then saw the thief’s shadow. However, he couldn’t see the thief himself, so how did Adam know it wasn’t just any old shadow?

INTRODUCTION:

It is vital that, even though the other story is in the exact same thread, you still need to give a rough synopsis of what happened before. I haven’t read your other story, but did read through Megumi’s Grade, and got the gist of it. It seems Adam is prone to getting attacked and sent to hospital.

Anyway, as I said, make sure to include your other story in a quick sum-up if it continues on, even if it’s just two or three lines.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

You really need to work on this section a lot. Quite a few of the mistakes were similar to your other story. Here are some:

Quote:
“Jeff, I actually caught it now I have some more Pokemon.”
The sentence has a different meaning to what you most probably wanted him to say. The way you’ve put it (all as one sentence) means ‘I caught it because I had some more Pokémon’. However this example:

Quote:
I actually caught it. Now I have some more Pokémon.
Means ‘I caught it, and now I have some more Pokémon’. That full stop makes all the difference.

Quote:
Adam ran towards nurse joy
‘Nurse Joy’ is capitalised, because it’s:

a) A name
b) A noun related to Pokémon, and all nouns related to Pokémon are capitalised.

Quote:
and he asked
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride.
You already said that he asked before the speech, so you don’t need to say ‘Adam asked’ again.

Quote:
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride.
Nurse Joy slowly took the ball and slowly and gently placed it onto the healing machine after a few seconds she returned it without saying anything.
“Hello Nurse Joy?” Adam asked worried
“Huh?” She replied confused.
“You didn’t say your normal, things you say” Adam asked
“Oh well does it matter?” She asked.
“I guess not” Adam said shrugging.
Ew. Big paragraph. You need to not only put a line break every time a new person speaks, but a line in between as well, like this:

Quote:
“Can I heal my Drifloon please” Adam asked with pride. Nurse Joy slowly took the ball and slowly and gently placed it onto the healing machine after a few seconds she returned it without saying anything. “Hello Nurse Joy?” Adam asked worried.

“Huh?” She replied confused.

“You didn’t say your normal, things you say” Adam asked

“Oh well does it matter?” She asked.

“I guess not” Adam said shrugging.
You also repeated ‘slowly’ when Nurse Joy took the Pokeball and put it down onto the machine.

Quote:
He ran to Jeff’s house and Nobody was there either.
You still kept randomly capitalising things. Remember, only these five things get capitalised:

a) People names (John; Sally)
b) Place names (England; Berlin)
c) ‘I’ when talking about yourself
d) The first letter of the first word of a new sentence. (I couldn’t understand why. They’d always been my friend)
e) Anything Pokémon related. (Pikachu; Super Potion, Gym)

Quote:
“What did they steal?” Adam said disgusted
There should be a comma after ‘said’, since ‘disgusted’ is a bit that’s being added onto the sentence, and wouldn’t make sense on its own.

Quote:
Adam groaned and asked where Jeff was, he hasn’t been here at all, now you just rest up and calm down he will be here soon enough.
The comma after ‘was’ should be a full stop, and speech marks before ‘he’ and after ‘enough’.

Quote:
“Da**, he stole it, the guy stole my Drifloon”
‘Damn’ doesn’t need to be censored. Hard to believe, but I’ve seen worse in a Pokémon story. :x

Quote:
“Not again” He said and he unwillingly ran
There’s a rule to speech. ’66, Capital Letter, 1-of-4, 99’. That basically means two speech marks, a capital letter right after the speech marks, either a comma, full stop, exclamation mark, or question mark (depending on the circumstances), then two speech marks.

When ending speech, the 1-of-4 you choose depends on what comes next. If the dialogue is a question, ALWAYS end with a question mark. If the dialogue is not a question, but the character is shouting, or in some other way projecting their voice (e.g. the action afterwards is something along the lines of ‘he shouted. He screamed. He wailed’) then an exclamation mark would be best. If the action afterwards relates to the speech (e.g. he said. He complained. He cried) then it’s a comma. If it doesn’t (e.g. he stomped. He jumped. He ran) then it’s a full stop.

PM or IM me if you want examples for each rule, it’s a bit weird how I’ve explained it here.

Quote:
ant it was un seeable until,
I presume you meant ‘and’, not ‘ant’, and also ‘unseeable’ is one word.

Quote:
Machop had fallen flat on it’s back.
Whilst it is true that there is an apostrophe for possession, the exception to the rule is ‘its’.

So, yes, your main problems are not putting full stops, randomly capitalising letters, and paragraphing for speech. Remember, ALWAYS proof-read your work. If you still don’t feel comfortable, ask a family member or friend to read it as well. 9 times out of 10, they’ll catch mistakes you missed.

LENGTH:

Good.

DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

So-so. You described attacks in battles, but that was it, really. You must explain Pokémon related things as well, even if we are on a Pokémon forum. Also, explain people as well.

When describing things, imagine as if you’re describing to a blind person. I give this advice out a lot, but trust me, it works! Also, ask someone who’s never seen the thing you’re describing, and ask them to maybe draw a picture of what they get in their heads from your description.

All these tips can work very well.

BATTLE:

I thought this was good. The fact that Horsea came in half-way through added in good variety, and you described most of the attacks sufficiently. My only problem is that it was a bit like the Gameboy. Houndour attacked, then Machop attacked. Bit boring, really. Spice up the moves by maybe letting Machop get a mega-whopper-combo in. Or something of the sort xP

OUTCOME:

Well, unfortunately, you need to step up your game a bit with all those Grammar errors. They didn’t seem to change from last time, and we really need you to maintain the status quo. I’m sorry, but for now, Machop NOT captured!

Please, don’t be disheartened! If you fix up those errors, and any others you can see, and also add in some description, I’ll re-grade this ^^ Also, anything extra you add into the story, please bold-face to make it easier for me to see what you've added. :)
__________________
URPG | ASB
MK + Trainer17 = Evil twins | MK + Leo = BFFs

Last edited by -Pichu Boy-; 10-21-2008 at 08:30 PM.
Reply With Quote