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Old 03-26-2009, 06:22 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
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Default Re: The Shatterproof Files: The Thief in Sinnoh [PG/PG:13] Finished Chapter 2!

I haven't read the second chapter yet, but I'd like to comment. I thought I better read your story, considering you read mine. xD

1. Should be 'aunty', not 'auntie'.

2. 'There' is only used when you're talking about something somewhere. 'Their' is possessive. "Their shoes are blue". I noticed you said 'there' when it should have been 'their' twice. :3

3. Speed. You are progressing too fast! D: Take time to write it. :3

4. You lack description. Yes, you described what the things looked like, but you also need to describe actions and events. Example:
Quote:
Brett was up until midnight. He received an unexpected phone call. Brett excused himself from the poker table and hid in the closet. He flipped the lid off his phone and answered his call.
This is how I would write it:
Quote:
Brett was up until midnight. He spent his time at his usual club (if he goes there a lot). Whilst in the middle of a game of poker, a sudden buzz came from within his pocket (or ringing, whatever. xD)
"Excuse me," Brett said to his fellow poker players. He made his way over to a nearby closet, and double-checked to make sure nobody was looking as he slipped inside. He flipped the lid off his phone and pulled it up to his face.
Or something like that. xD I added a bit more description, and it gives a little more information to the readers so they know what's going on a bit more. :3

5. The introduction to a story is a 'prologue'. The end of it is the 'epilogue'. xD Just thought I'd let you know.

6. Centering the chapter to the middle of the page is kinda annoying, and I think it would be better to post them off to the side. x3

So there you go. I hope to see you improve these points, and I like your comedy! :D

~Xanthe.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 03-26-2009 at 06:25 AM.
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