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Old 09-24-2011, 04:10 AM
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Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG] - Book Two

It's always a joy to read your stories, GS. I found a few errors, but that's really good! But sheesh, when will you get another chapter up? I'm still wondeing who the pokemon ae on the cliff D: And poor Dusty! Can't imagine what that would be like, it's so sad :( but I always love how you explain things, even if our styles of writing and explanation are way different. I'm also thinking of witing a part of my fanfic in first person, I'm looking forward to it so much that I sometimes accidently write in first person xDD!

But yeah, keep up the good work! I guess it takes you longer because of the length of your chapters and how much you revise them, heheh. Anyway, onto the huge review!

“Killed...” I whispered, feeling my head rattle from side to side. “ I protected the innocents and slayed the evil.”

“You murdered humans too,” she accused, her face clouding over with hatred.

“N-no!” I held my teeth before admitting, “Y...yes...”

“All vine whip users—throw the humans off board, along with any pokémon that try to oppose us!”

I halted, witnessing a Rocket man being tossed over the side a few metres up ahead. He yelled all the way down, being silenced by a splash. The wind whipped around our small group, almost chilling me.

I barely noticed as I crept closer, taking in the deep claw gashes that ran slashed across the human’s neck. His metal gun sat alone and separated from his hand. Cerise blood stained his uniform, and a dense pool soaking his black hair and hat had formed from the wound’s leakage.

“It was kill or be killed!” I shouted, a new sense of guilt laying itself onto what already plagued my mind. My head restarted its shaking. “I...I had to! And I had to destroy the ship afterwards...”
I really love how you did this part, with the flashbacks and descriptions, switching between them. And the way you explained Dusty's emotions was great. Conflicting emotions, how sad.
“What did you tell them?”

I felt my jaws slide together and my eyelids meet, my ears stiff and my nose quivering. I was reluctant to answer; saying the wrong thing would surely result in disaster. Zhol was the only friend I properly had in this colony, and I didn’t want to foil our friendship so early. I had already lost my best friend. Losing her as well was a frightening thought. ‘The least you can do is answer her,’ I growled inwardly, knowing full well that I owed her that. “I told them...” Ashamed and bitter, I muttered, looking up, “That Luck went missing.”

To my surprise, she didn’t comment immediately. Instead she seemed to shift through reasons why that would be my choice of words, and ended with a scowl. “That was wrong.” She let her head wander in agitation before returning it. “You only prolong their suffering. They have to know the truth.”

“I couldn’t!” I barked defensively, suddenly displaying stress. My breathing rate increased, and my front paws became separate. “I couldn’t tell them about him. He’s their family. If I found out my family was dead, I’d...” Images of my master flashed behind one eye and moved to the next just as fast.

“You wouldn’t want to be kept from the truth, either,” she retorted. I knew she was disappointed. That was one of the worst feelings I could have added to my list. She must have thought I was a cruel fool.

“But, I...” I lost my words. I wasn’t sure how I felt. I knew I was guilty, ashamed and greatly saddened! Yet I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to break it to the colony or not.

More seriously, she lowered her tone. “It isn’t your right to keep the colony in the dark.”
Whew, this is going to be a long one. I just love it when this happens in stories, even though it is very sad to see it take place. It's that whole 'secrets' thing, and you just don't know who to listen to. I'm wondering if Dusty will listen to Zhol, or herself. It's a sorry situation, if she tells the colony she will be blamed and pobably killed or kicked out for it; if she dosen't they will always be hoping he comes back, right until they day they die. I love the use of italics for thoughts, and I don't believe they're used enough the way you put them in!
Ashamed and bitter, I muttered, looking up,
Too many commas? I don't know, but I think so xD

and my front paws became separate.
Pretty sure it's seperated, since it's 1st person and past tense is usually used for first person. But I guess maybe makes sense either way. I just like seperated more :3

More seriously, she lowered her tone.
I think it should be 'More serious now,' it just sounds better to me.

And that's my first review for you! :D back to maxing out Disgaea 2, I'm only level 9042... :C then I'll start on Disgaea 3, then 4...

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