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Old 02-17-2013, 05:19 PM
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Default Re: [Mewtwo Invasion] Round 1 - Saraibre Ryu vs. Socratic Sarcasm (Judge: 3m0d0ll).

I of I I I

-

Saraibre Ryu

[Cayci] Galvantula
Ability: Compound Eyes.
Health: 100%
Energy: 100%
Points: 50.
Moves: Faint Attack~Light Screen.
+1 Acc.


Socratic Sarcasm

[Esme] Chandelure
Ability: Flash Fire.
Health: 100%
Energy: 100%
Points: 50.
Moves: Haze~Taunt+Psychic



Starting with the stuff I didn't like. Firstly, “And that freaking terrifying sound it's been making seems to be coming from all over the place. No one can place it,” is extremely inaccurate. I get that you were trying to make your Pokemon seem more eerie, but sound waves hit and stimulate our outer ears at different times, allowing us to be able to tell what direction noise is coming from. So, regardless of the smoke, Cayci would've been able to hear where the cackling was coming from, so I took a point or two off there.
“... them, but it is not destructive on its own. But, it does...” This is just overall bad grammar; it made your sentences flow awkwardly and using the same word twice in such proximity kinda ruined what you were trying to convey, because after that, all I could focus on was how those sentences made your descriptions feel boxy.
Sabi, I don't quite understand how Cayci was able to disappear so easily, even with the Haze. If you had that she disappeared as the smoke rolled over her, that would've been more realistic.
I was rather disappointed that nobody wrote about how the Haze mixed with the natural fog of the arena. That would've been a really nice touch, imo.
In regards to the statement about psychopaths being more intelligent than average people, it's my personal stigma that your statement is very untrue; I suppose you're taking more of a Tell-Tale Heart stance while I have a different opinion of the meaning of intelligence.
“Almost everyone, except the monster's trainer takes a second to blink at that,” needs to have a comma placed after 'trainer' and before 'takes'.


And now with the stuff I did like. The way you described Esme using Haze was really great and easy to visualize. You incorporated a Chandelure's anatomy into the battle very well, keep that up.
Having Cayci use Faint Attack was really clever and effective. You did a great job using your foe's attack to your advantage, which took a few points away from Socratic.
I liked the use of telepathy, and I'm eager to see how you use this ability in the new two Rounds.


Saraibre Ryu

[Cayci] Galvantula
Ability: Compound Eyes.
Health: 100%
Energy: 86%
Points: 48.
+1 Acc; Taunted for four more actions; protected by Light Screen for three more actions.


Socratic Sarcasm

[Esme] Chandelure
Ability: Flash Fire.
Health: 89%
Energy: 84%
Points: 45.


-

Sabi, your move, please.

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Last edited by 3m0d0ll; 02-17-2013 at 06:50 PM.