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Old 03-27-2013, 05:22 AM
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Smiles Offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4
Default Re: The Not-So Legendary Gold Magikarp [Ready!]


Yay! This was an adorable short story! Most Magikarp stories are relatively simple, but I really liked the way you made this special with the comedy and with the side-plot of Magikarp and her mother. You always get bonus points for making your reader laugh. XD On a side note, I wanted to comment on the interesting perspective of the narrator. Narrators are crucial to the story because they are the storyteller, and thus control how the story is shown or not shown. I enjoyed how funny and straight-forward the narrator in this story was. Great job!

On a suggestive note (not that kind), I would recommend making battles more two-sided. By no means do you need to include battles in your story, but if you do, the reader enjoys a battle that is at least somewhat fair. We all know that Magikarp likes to splash around, but remember that in a story, you can take this splashing anywhere you want it to go with imagination. Maybe an absurd amount of water gets into Swablu's eye and Magikarp slaps it down in a comical fashion. Or maybe the mother gets involved, making the battle harder. I also recommend taking advantage of the surroundings with battles, like how the storm-aspect of the Lake of Rage changes the battle.

Otherwise, you had a very cute and lovely story here!


You had a perfect amount of description for a Pokemon of this rank. Description was just enough to give us somewhat of a full picture, yet not enough to slow down the short plot. I really liked how you gave the description of the boy wearing his blue earbuds. Although this seems like such a minute detail, these types of little details really add character to the story. Little details like this are also crucial because they act as symbols: when you imagine a boy wearing earbuds, you can somehow imagine the certain way that he's standing, his emotion towards the fishing, etc. I really encourage the use of these types of details, as well as details that give us more information about our surroundings. We know that the legendary storm is back, but what does that storm entail? Immerse us into the world you create. If you can do that, you're rocking at scene-setting! But even with the detail you had in this story, you did a good job!


We had a few errors, but nothing too major!

Many were swimming around, trying to fit in with the others around them, others knew how miserable some considered them to be, so they stayed in little corral caves.
There were a couple of instances of run-on sentences in the story. A run-on sentence occurs when independent clauses (a clause in a sentence that can stand on its own) are combined together instead of being separated with a semi-colon or a period. Although not wrong, run-on sentences can tend to tire the reader's mind when they keep seeing them.

Originally Posted by Corrected
Many were swimming around, trying to fit in with the others around them. Others knew how miserable some considered them to be, so they stayed in little corral caves.
Originally Posted by Corrected2
Many were swimming around, trying to fit in with the others around them; others knew how miserable some considered them to be, so they stayed in little corral caves.
“Gyarados!!!!” / reallll / by...just...splashing around...yeah.
We want to be careful about repeitition of immediate ellipsis, letters, and exclamation points. While it's not a major offense, the additional punctuation marks tends to take away a little bit of professionalism from the story. The reader takes the story less seriously, and it makes the author look like he or she didn't care about what was being written. With the right tone, one exclamation mark provides depths of emphasis!

On a final note, I would advise you to use a more legible font for stories. The font you have right now is very pretty, but my computer-strained eyes struggled to read it. XD Otherwise, great job with this section!


Yay! You had 4.8k characters here, which is really close to the 5k longer end. I love seeing people try to fill out that character count! Great job here; I thought the first part of the story was rather cute and paced well, as well as the second part.

Briefly, I thought it would be useful to go over the first part of the story. When we space our stories, we typically do it based upon when a character speaks (new paragraph for dialogue). So, you did an awesome job here! Really fast, I also wanted to bring up the point that we tend to start new paragraphs whenever some new event happens (a Pokemon appears, a character is being described, etc). Knowing when to start a new paragraph can be tricky at first, but it is to prevent our stories running into giant blocks of texts (one pro). I know it's weird at first, but you'll get the hang of it soon! =]

It was a fine day at the Lake of Rage. The legendary storm caused by the legendary Red Gyarados was back. It was go fishing.

A boy who seemed to be about fifteen years old stepped up to one of the sides. He was wearing a white jacket with a green shirt inside of said jacket. The boy had one Poke Ball on his clip and blue earbuds in. He got out a Great Rod, pulled it back, and set it loose, hoping to get a bite. (Boy is being described)

Under the sea were many aquatic Pokemon, most amazing species that many would want to own. Others...well, they weren't so great. There were Tentacruel with their children, Seaking swimming with schools of Goldeen, and Golduck that would stick their heads in from time to time. But, who could forget about the one that's considered the most pathetic of them all? (Narrator goes into imagination of Water-Type Pokemon)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was Magikarp! Many were swimming around, trying to fit in with the others around them, others knew how miserable some considered them to be, so they stayed in little corral caves. However...there was one that was swimming by the Red Gyarados. This one was the one everyone wanted, the one that was better than regular Magikarp. The Golden Magikarp! This Magikarp was swimming around her mother, when all of a sudden...the thing came. (Our big main character is revealed! Magikarp!)

THE THING, THE THING! It was shaped like a Poke Ball. Bah, who cares, it had cheese on it!!! Feeding her impulses, the Magikarp swam towards the food. Meanwhile, above the surface, the boy felt a tug on his rod. No, not that rod, the other one. You know, the Great Rod...?(It's not bad here to separate for comic relief haha, give the reader time to laugh at funnies)

Anyways, he pulled the piece of strong wood up with mighty force to get this specimen out. It was a Shiny Magikarp! Our boy here grabbed the ball from his clip, enlarged it, and tossed it. When it opened, a blue ball with fluffy wings and a beak came out to fight. With an unspoken order, it began to attack. It first led off with Peck, making sure that it would be good enough so that this creature couldn't hurt the bird. Well, at least for a little bit. The Magikarp retaliated by...just...splashing around...yeah. That is such a good method.(Main character makes a seperate move)

I broke apart the first paragraph of your story, showing why each paragraph has been differentiated, to hopefully help you understand where and why paragraphs in future stories would be separated. This is by no means an every-time, every paragraph-must-be-like-this type of thing, but I wanted to give you an idea of how/why we begin new paragraphs. Each time we separate a paragraph, that is another opportunity to expound the idea within that paragraph (another pro). We get more of what the main character looked like, more into what Water-type Pokemon are like, etc.


Legendary Shiny Magikarp Captured! Woo! Keeping in mind the little tidbits of advice I had for you in this grade, I know that you'll become a better and better writer! I hope to see you around this section a lot more, and have fun with your new Pokemon!
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