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Old 03-29-2007, 01:33 AM
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Seawolf Offline
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Default Re: Lilac Wind---[x]

Story: It seems like the basis of almost all first stories posted here, but this was a little different. I like the emphasis on 'dreams', especially when wondering if Pokemon have them. I don't think I've seen that put down in any story here, so I suppose I can give you points for originality. :)

The battle made up the majority of this story, which you should watch out for. Usually, with successful captures, there's a good ratio of plot to battling. I think that the story should ultimately be more important than the battle itself, and depending on the Pokemon, it should not not be quite as long. Your tale seemed to be half of a post, then the battle was close to twice that - really, it should be about 50-50 to 60-40, at least in my opinion. This is your first story, though, and it really isn't bad at all. The length of the battle, although it was strongly written, just engulfed everything else.

Spelling/Grammar: You did good here, considering you used Notepad. I recommend MS Word, by the way, since it does spacing for you and is able to spot out errors. I found a few words where it seemed like you just pressed the wrong key ("secong", "gom"), which were the only things I could find, really. You have a nice grasp of grammar and spelling, it seems, so give yourself a pat on the back. Many writers here seem to have trouble with comma usage and sentence structure, but I found nothing like that.

Length: It seems a little short for Ralts (I thought she needed around 15,000 to 20,000 characters), and the battle was long compared with everything else, but it was your first story and it was pretty good, so no complaints here.

Detail/Description: Great; I was able to picture the hillside the main characters were on and just about everything else, which is what needs to be done. Detail was thrown everywhere throughout the story, not just in the first few paragraphs or in random spots like I've seen other people do. If I have to be nitpicky, however, here is one thing...

Everywhere was green. Almost too green. So green, it seemed like these hilltops were sucking in all the green around them.
Wow, so many 'greens'. I'm sure you know there are stronger words that could be used for that word - jade, emerald, apple, and so on. Try to think of colors as not just colors, but other descriptions, like brown as 'chocolate'. It may seem minor, but this has always helped me with making stories more detailed and interesting to read.

Battle: It was huge, as I said before. It was well written and full of attacks and descriptions, despite the fact I feel it totally ate up the story!

Eevee and Ralts had a fair match, although it seemed Ralts held the advantage for awhile, which I think she would. A nice variety of moves and actions were used ("sailed through the air", "barrelled", "fastened her teeth into", etc.), and the use of several were clever. Sand Attack failing because of the wind was something I haven't seen done, and aiding your Pokemon by having Plusle use Helping Hand was another great move - instead of just going all offensive, you actually stick some strategy into your story, and this is probably the strongest section of your story, even though it's so overwhelming. This was a really good first story, and I do hope you write more.

Outcome: Ralts Captured! - Try to even the plot and battle ratio so one isn't more glaring over the other. :)

Last edited by Seawolf; 03-29-2007 at 06:23 PM.
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