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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-05-2008, 01:12 AM
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Default Stories from Squad 17

Author's Note: Yes, this does belong in the URPG section.

~~~

My shuriken thudded softly into the tree trunk, next to multiple others. I smirked, happy at the amount of shuriken that had hit the tree. I sauntered over to the tree, and plucked my shuriken out, and shoved them into a small pouch on the side of my black cloth pants. I looked up into the sky, and looked at the position of the sun. It seemed to be around eight in the morning, and Kaori Sensei had told us to meet her around nine.

With a sigh, I turned around and looked at out house. It was on the larger side of the houses in the Hidden Leaf Village, as my family was semi-wealthy. I walked around the small practice yard that I was situated in to a small wooden gate. Grasping the handle inside my hand, I gave it a turn. It reluctantly opened, creaking softly.

Slamming it shut behind me, I walked into the streets of the village. Around me, small houses littered the streets, and I could see the dim outlines of people through the windows. I noticed assorted ninja like myself walking along the streets, some clothed in the green flak jacket of a Chuunin or Jonin, others simply clad in normal outfits.

I began to jog, hoping to beat Miharu to the bridge where we so often met. What kind of a mission would we have today? I hoped it wasn’t helping ninja out about the village—At times, I couldn’t help but think that Lady Hokage held a grudge against Kaori Sensei. A voice took me out of my thoughts, like a bucket of cold water thrown over my head.

“Kaito! Wait up!” the voice called. I grimaced instantly. Stopping my job, I turned to the voice. I was greeted by a slightly plump boy of around my age (13) who wore an odd smile on his face. He wore a simply gray shirt, and some loose navy blue pants. His hear sat on his head like a bird’s nest, dark brown in color. It was Taiki, a member of our squad.

“Hey, do you mind if I tag along? I wanted to get to the bridge early, and get some training done,” he said excitedly to me, a broad smile crossing his face. I flicked my hand casually.

“Sure, why not,” I groaned, and began to jog once more, not paying a bit of attention to him as he yabbered on about something, most likely perverted. He wasn’t that bad when he was quiet, it was just when he was talking that annoyed me. Luckily though, I had learned to block him out when needed.

We soon reached the bridge. It was medium-sized, and wooden. The rails were a generic red in color. Underneath us, a small stream trickled by, making only slight noises. “Okay, we’re here. Now let’s wait for Kaori Sensei and Miharu,” I told him, turning out to the stream.

“Okay, I’m going to go practice some jutsu,” he chirped, and headed off. Relieved, and climbed over the railing and plopped onto the stream bed. Pulling a small mirror out of my pocket, I held it up. With my back to the bridge, I could see what Taiki was doing over there. I saw him making quick handsigns, as he tried to do a jutsu. Recognizing the handsigns, I put the mirror away, and made my own handsigns.

It was mysterious how handsigns worked. Somehow, they manipulated your chakra to allow a jutsu to begin. Certain handsigns were used for certain styles of jutsu.

Making my final handsign, I looked down to see my shadow flicker. I smiled. My clan, the Nara clan, specialized in manipulating their shadows to do assorted jutsus. I poured a little chakra into my shadow, and extended it under the shadowy bridge. Did Taiki really think I would fall for his jutsu? I watched closely as I pushed my shadow closer to Taiki.

Suddenly, my concentration faltered as a small branch of wood stretched out of the ground from beneath my feet, wrapping itself around my legs. It pulled taut, and kept me stationary. Angered at Taiki, I pushed my shadow at him. As it touched his shadow, the two melded, and he froze, a victim of my Shadow Posession Jutsu.

I laughed at him. “Oh Taiki, I think you are caught on something!” I yelled across the bridge. I kicked with my entangled foot, trying to shake off the branches. If they could, it seemed that they became tighter around my leg. Angrily, I pulled out a kunai from my pocket.

“What are you doing?!” Taiki yelled, terrified.

“Oh, just cutting myself loose. I got entangled,” I said cheerily, slicing away the branches around my feet. Jumping up, I pulled myself onto the bridge, and saw Taiki doing the same thing, as he was subjected to my jutsu. We stood on the bridge, one shadow shared between the two of us, each holding a kunai in our hands. “Taiki, that was a very naughty thing to do,” I told him.

He scowled at me. “Kaito, it was a joke. Why do you have to take everything so seriously?” he retorted angrily. I sighed.

“Fine, I’m done,” I said, and I cut the flow of chakra to my shadow. Suddenly, the link between us broke, leaving two separate shadows. I turned out to the stream. I know I should’ve saved my chakra, but it was just so fun torturing him.

“Hey! Guys!” I heard someone screaming. Turning, I saw a girl running towards us, her dirty-blonde hair flapping in the wind behind her.

Taiki turned to the incoming figure. “Miharu!” he yelled happily. I simply gave a little wave to her. She reached the bridge, ecstatic at something. “Guys, Lady Hokage just gave us a mission! Kaori Sensei is brining it anytime now!”

“Really? What kind?” I asked, leaning back on the rail.

“I bet it’s picking weeds for old women again. Lady Hokage likes to make us do that,” Taiki said in a sad voice.

“No, it’s a mission outside of the village!” Miharu told him. Taiki’s eyes lit up, and it was obvious that he had forgotten about our little quarrel.

“That’s great!” he yelped, and there was a sudden movement behind us.

Our small group turned to see Kaori Sensei behind us. Her brown hair was tied back in a ponytail. Her soft but stern face gave away no emotions. Her green flak jacket lay softly over her dark blue top. Upon her forehead sat her forehead protector, showing that she was from the Hidden Leaf Village.

“Kaori Sensei! What’s the mission?” Taiki asked, running up to her in a weird way. She merely flicked him on the nose.

“Alright, here’s what the mission is,” she began, as we watched a hurt Taiki back off. “Some ninja from an unknown village snuck into the village over night. He stole one of Lady Hokage’s scrolls that held secrets of her healing jutsus. Our job is to retrieve the scroll,” she informed us, pacing back and forth across the bridge. “He fled into the forest just outside the village gates,” she finished.

I looked over at Miharu. Her bright green eyes sparkled, excited that she got to go one such an important mission. “So, when do we leave, Kaori Sensei?” she asked excitedly, staring at Kaori Sensei.

“Now,”
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Last edited by Stinky; 02-11-2008 at 11:55 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-11-2008, 11:47 PM
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Default Re: In The Forest of Bees

We stood just outside of the mighty village gates, Kaori Sensei just slightly ahead of the rest of our team. Something told me that this mission would be pulling us into something much larger, but I couldn’t put my mind on it. Kaori Sensei turned her head back at us, and she nodded. We nodded in return, and she leapt into the trees to the right of us, easily landing on a branch, then proceeding to hop from branch to branch, staying about twelve feet above the ground at all times.

Taiki followed right behind her, Miharu in the middle, and I brought up the rear. The forest was dimly lit, but the sun peeked through the leaves of the trees. The trees’ leaves were still green, and rustled in the soft wind that blew through the forest. Ahead of me, Miharu’s tan outfit jumped along the trees.

“Watch out! This branch creaks when you step on it!” she yelled back to me, too late. As I landed neatly on the branch, it creaked a little bit, then started to give. I leapt off of it to the branch ahead of us.

“Thanks, Miharu,” I thanked her. She nodded in return, and we jumped after Taiki and Kaori Sensei.
After a while in the woods, it seemed as if the atmosphere in the woods had changed. Every tree seemed to come alive, swaying in the soft breeze. The effect was mesmerizing. Ahead of me, I could see Miharu’s tan outfit disappearing into the woods. “Miharu!” I yelled after her, but my feet seemed to be stuck to the branch. Around me, the forest began to warp; the light, cheery colors becoming dark and dreadful.

I struggled, pretending to put up a fight against the tree that held me captive, but in my head, I knew I was trapped in a Genjutsu, obviously set up by the ninja to dispel anyone on his or her trail. Grabbing my arm, I pinched myself hard. Suddenly, the illusion went away, and I could see the rest of my teammates in trees ahead of me, struggling in the Genjutsu as well.

It was odd, as there was a lingering effect of the Genjutsu; I could feel pain at random points along my body, which I had never seen in a Genjutsu before. Hopping up to the tree that they were struggling in, I took out a sharp kunai, and pricked the skin on their hands.

“Ow!” Miharu screeched, and fell down onto the hard surface of the tree. She looked up at me. “Thanks Kaito, I owe you one,” she said to me.

“Just consider it paid for telling me about the branch earlier,”

Kaori Sensei looked at me. “Miharu, Taiki, go on ahead. I’ll catch up with you two in a second,” she commanded. The two jumped off into the trees, nimbly landing on branches as they made their way deeper into the forest. She beckoned to me, and I obediently followed her.

“Kaito, that was no Genjutsu,” she told me bluntly. I nodded in agreement; something had felt wrong with the whole thing. “Whoever or whatever we’re dealing with, they’ve got a few tricks up their sleeves. We need to stay on our toes,”

“Mmhmm, yeah, got it,” I told her, and she nodded back to me.

“Alright then,” she said quietly, and jumped to catch up with Miharu and Taiki. I would have easily gone after them, but behind me, I heard a rustling noise. Clenching my kunai tight in my hand, I turned around and flung it toward the source of the noise.

I watched the path of my kunai as it shot throw the air, making not a single noise. In the path of the kunai, it looked as if a brown cicada was hovering in mid-air. As the kunai approached it, the cicada disappeared, then reappeared after the kunai had passed through it. I gasped. Was it a ghost?

It gave off a feeling that it was nothing more than an empty shell; a shadow of its former self. Above its head perched a small wispy halo, almost like an imitation of a halo. It cackled at me, and summoned some sort of purple-ish ball in front of it, then launched it at me.

How did it project it’s chakra like that? It was very unusual for ninja to just throw their chakra around.

But somehow, something told me this was no ninja. It didn’t have a forehead protector, nor was it… human. It had to be some sort of creature, but it was nothing I had seen before. Thrusting myself out of the shadowy ball’s way, I threw a pair of shuriken at the cicada. They merely passed through it like air. It made a noise that probably could be a giggle, and disappeared.

I leaped after Kaori Sensei, Miharu, and Taiki. “Guys,” I yelled ahead, “there are monsters in the forest—be on your guard!” I yelled at them. Miharu glanced back at me.

“Is that what took you so long? I was wondering where you were,”

“Yeah, I heard a noise. My kunai and shuriken passed right through the thing, and it projected its chakra at me in some sort of shadowy ball. It was weird, it seemed so careless with an attack that it should’ve took more care with,” I said with a frown. “It looked kind of like a cicada, with a halo over its head,”

“Like that?” Taiki inquired, pointing at something further up ahead. I nodded. “Let’s take it down!” he yelled. We looked at Kaori Sensei for approval. She okayed it with a wave of her hand.

“Alright guys, don’t throw shuriken or kunai at it—they just pass right through it,” I relayed to my group. They nodded. Miharu jumped at the cicada thing hanging in mid air, her tan outfit rippling.

“Take this!” she roared, slamming a punch at it… or through it. As she began to fall to the ground, the cicada gathered another ball of shadowy chakra, and threw it at her. As Miharu fell to the ground, the ball impacted her.

“Shed!” the cicada laughed at her, obviously pleased.

“Miharu!” Taiki and I yelled, as the impact would break some of her bones. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, and the body that was falling was a mere piece of wood, subject of her Substitution Jutsu. The cicada looked around in the branches of the tree for Miharu.

“Behind you!” she yelled, and she launched herself off of a branch through the cicada.

It spun around, confused by her attack. Seeing us and Kaori Sensei, It gasped, and fled deeper into the woods. “After it!” I yelled, and we leapt after it. Soon, the trees around us began to clear, and we soon found ourselves in a small clearing. The cicada floated above the green grass, which was short, almost like it had been cut. The trees made a circle around the clearing, our battlefield.

“My turn!” Taiki roared, running at the cicada. I saw him making rapid handsigns. Suddenly, long beams of wood began to push themselves out of his body. It didn’t look like it hurt him, and before long, beside him was wood in the shape of Taiki. It began to take on his features, and soon, there was a clone of Taiki. I chuckled. He’d been working for quite a while on his Wood Clone Technique, and I was glad to see that he’d finally mastered it. Both Taikis jumped up into the air, and the cicada looked up to follow their movements.

“Take this!” they yelled in unison, bringing their outstretched palms down onto the cicada.

It giggled, and Taiki passed through the cicada. As it gathered its shadowy chakra in front of it, both Taikis leapt back and rolled onto the grass. The ball missed them, and the Taikis touched each other and began to morph back into one Taiki. I could see small blades of grass littering his pants and his shirt.

“It doesn’t seem to be able to be touched by our attacks,” Kaori Sensei remarked, standing idly to the side. “Kaito, try using your Shadow Possession Jutsu. It may not be able to be physically harmed, but it still has a shadow,”

I nodded, glancing at its shadow. I gave Miharu a slight flick of my hand, our signal that she needed to distract. I began making my handsigns while Miharu jumped over the cicada. It looked up at her, and followed her path. Perfect.

I made the final handsign and pushed my shadow at the cicada’s shadow, which was about 10 yards away from me. The two touched, and suddenly, the cicada was facing me, confused. “What are you?” I asked quietly, experimentally waving my hand, as because of my jutsu, it would be forced to do the same thing.

It simply wiggled in mid-air, unable to copy my motion. I walked towards the creature, and it floated towards me. The eyes of the rest of my squad were on me. It gave a little giggle, and struggled against my hold.

“Kaito, just get rid of it. You’re a Nara, try using your Shadow Bind Jutsu, we need to get going, and if we don’t get rid of it, it’ll continue to pester us,” Kaori Sensei remarked. I nodded, and began to make my rapid handsigns.

“Shadow Bind Jutsu!” I yelled, making the final handsign. Suddenly, part of my shadow began to flow up the cicada’s body in the shape of a dark hand. As I pushed it further up its body, I met some resistance. I simply pushed harder, and soon, my shadow hand was positioned around the area where its neck was.

I clenched my hand, and the cicada dropped to the ground, dead. Kaori Sensei nodded at me. “Good job,” she said, and motioned back towards the forest, and she leapt off into the forest. After a glance back at the dead cicada, I quickly followed the rest of my squad.

~~~

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Old 02-13-2008, 11:34 AM
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Default Re: Stories from Squad 17

Our trip through the forest came to a sudden halt as we heard noises. “Ahaha! Silly Leaf Ninja, they didn’t realize what had hit them!” the voice laughed. “And now, the village will reward me deeply for my contribution,”

I looked at Kaori Sensei. She made motions with her hand, signifying that we should surround him. I nodded, and jumped quietly through the trees so that the unknown man on the ground wouldn’t see me. As I got into position, I could see him clearly. On his forehead protector was the insignia of the Hidden Mist village. His clothing was all black, and he looked to be in his late teens. But it wasn’t the man that interested me, it was the creature beside him…

A call of a mockingbird broke me from my thoughts, the call that we had developed to attack. Grabbing a kunai out of my pocket, I jumped out of the trees at the man. He looked at me with a smile. “Sneasel! Stop him!”

The creature beside him jumped at me. It was a dark blue in color, and looked like a human child. Perched upon its head were two pink feather-like things. Its sharp claws impacted my kunai, stopping my attack. As the rest of my squad jumped out of the trees, he looked around angrily. “Ambush, eh? I think I’ll even the odds,”

He pulled down the sleeve of his shirt, revealing his wrist. Taking a kunai, he sliced a little of it, springing drops of blood. After smearing the blood on his hand, he slammed his hand onto the ground. “Summoning Jutsu!” he roared triumphantly.

Suddenly, two creatures appeared before us. One was a small bee-like creature, black in color with a gold face mask,. The other looked like an overlarge bee, striped with yellow and black, her eyes glinting menacingly. “Vespiquen, go after the girl. Ninjask, after the chubby one. Sneasel, you keep fighting him. I’ll go after their leader,” he said with a smile, and rushed at Kaori Sensei.

Sneasel launched itself at my, trying to slash at me with its long, sharp, menacing claws. I parried each blow with my kunai, but he was pushing me back. Realizing this, I hid the fact that I know from him. Finding myself backed up against the tree, I let him go in for his attack, making quick handsigns. I found myself up in the tree above Miharu, who was fighting the giant bee.

Sneasel’s claws raked across my body, and it disappeared in a puff of smoke, revealing a block of wood. I smiled. Gripping my kunai tight in my hand, I jumped out of the tree and slashed at the large bee. It gave a cry of anger, turning around to face me. Its eyes glowed red as its anger built. “Uh-uh-uh!” Miharu yelled, And I saw her tan outfit leaping into the air. She brought a punch which looked to be quite strong down on its head. It spun around in confusion, and Sneasel spotted me again. This time, I was ready.

Surprising it, I leapt at it, slashing wildly with my kunai. All became a blur around me as I tried to figure out its next move. I decided to make a surprise attack on it, and instead of attacking its chest, I went for a slice to the legs. Sneasel jumped back, a small red cut on his leg.

“Sneasel! Enough with the boy! Help me with this lady!” The man yelled. Sneasel hopped obediently to his trainer’s side, and began to slash at Kaori Sensei. Taiki was swinging his palms at the bee, while the bee nimbly dodged his attacks. Meanwhile, Miharu seemed to be doing fine with the large bee, as it spun around trying to get her as she made quick attacks.

I saw the scroll in the man’s back pocket. I crept up to him, and grabbed it. Pulling it out slowly, I didn’t expect the man’s move. “Gotcha!” he yelled, holding onto my wrist. He began to twist it painfully. I cried out in pain, as the man’s grip was tight.

“Not on my watch!” Kaori Sensei yelled, grabbing the scroll from my hand, and shoving it into her vest. “Sorry Kaito!” she apologized, making furious handsigns. “Water Style! Water Dragon Missile!” she roared

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, a column of water shot up out of the ground, the front of it looking like a ferocious dragon. It began to head for us. The man let go of my wrist, and began to try a Substitution Jutsu.

“Nope!” I laughed. While he had been holding my wrist, I had been making the necessary handsigns for a Shadow Posession Jutsu. Now that my shadow had touched his, I put my hands at my side. He did the same thing, interrupting his jutsu. As the dragon approached, I broke my hold over him, and jumped backwards. The dragon hit him, but he disappeared in a puff of white smoke. “Where’d he go?” I asked Kaori Sensei.

“Teehee!” He giggled, grabbing the scroll from Kaori Sensei. “Sneasel, catch!” He yelled, throwing the scroll to Sneasel. Sneasel began to flee into the woods. “

“I’ll get it! Come after us when you beat them,” I told Kaori Sensei, and I jumped off into the trees after Sneasel. Holding a kunai in my hand, I flung it at Sneasel. The kunai whistled through the air, and grazed Sneasel’s shoulder, leaving a small dash of blood.

It was very fast, but I was just about the same speed, so we stayed the same distance away. In its claw, it clenched the scroll that held all of our Hokage’s healing secrets. I needed some way to slow it down, but here, there was no way to do that. I’d need a distraction.

As I pursued it through the forest, the trees flashing on either side of me, I fingered in my pockets. There I found a small sphere. I remembered taking it from my father, Nara Shikamaru, earlier. He had a small stash of them, and he used them quite often. Grabbing a kunai in my other hand, I threw it far above where Sneasel’s head would be soon. I thre the kunai straight after it, and the two impacted.

Suddenly, a blinding white light filled the forest. It crept between the trees, and illuminated everything in its path. Sneasel stopped as he was momentarily blinded by the light.

I began to make quick handsigns. The light had outstretched its shadow to about a yard in front of me. I made the final handsign, and stretched my shadow out and touched his. The two touched, just as the light went away. It wiggled a little bit as Sneasel tried to break my hold over him, but I pushed harder, hoping that I would have complete control of his motions, and that I had enough chakra to hold out until everyone else got here…

For: Sneasel [Hard, 20k-30k]
Length: 21,827

I know, a little short. To whoever's grading this, if you need me to PM you terms and whatnot that I used, feel free to say so. :D
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Last edited by Stinky; 02-13-2008 at 11:58 AM.
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  #4  
Old 02-14-2008, 11:36 AM
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Default Re: Stories from Squad 17

This may be a short grade, sorry. ;_;

Plot / Introduction

I can see this was really well thought out. I got lost a bit in the start to be honest, mostly because I couldn't pronounce the words. lol. But this really was a sweet introduction. I could nearly picture everything there, you gave a really mystic sort of introduction. That was what really mad me eager to read more, but it wasn't the hook. The hook was somewhere on the first paragraph, I just felt like zooming into the story, and seeing it in real life. It sounds so exciting and interesting. I could really see the effort in this, if I didn't, it's probably cause I'm blind. :x Actually, this sounded like a book I read, so I sort of knew what was coming some of the time. But it was still really interesting, because I wasn't sure if you were going to change it or not, which really made it interesting. A tip; you didn't have much to improve on, I just think you could try and make the introduction simpler, it was hard to determine where they were at times.

The plot was original, there's not much more I can say, is there? You've really elaborated this well, I can see the amount of thought and effort put into this, but I'm thinking Squad 17 is an American (dood) TV show? But I'm not sure, either way. Good job Micheal.

Length

This was fine, just a little bit over the minimum though. You could flesh out some description and elaborate the plot and it would add on some length. Just remember, it's qaulity, not qauntity.

Spelling / Grammar

This was decent, though I did spot a lot of incorrect wording. It may be a curse or something though. =P Anyways, yeah, this was good. I saw you must of looked over it a couple of times and such. I didn't spot many typos, though I did find many places where you should of replaced commas with semi-colons. I can see you've used Microsoft word, but it doesn't always catch out some of the tricky parts, so you oughta be careful with them. It helps if you scan for mistakes too, so your grammar improves as does this grade (in a positive way for you. :D)

Quote:
. I was greeted by a slightly plump boy of around my age (13) who wore an odd smile on his face. He wore a simply gray shirt,
Incorrect wording, should be "A slightly plump boy of greeted me around my age ".

Quote:
. His hear sat on his head like a bird’s nest, dark brown in color.
Americans, anyways, this is probably how you spell it in America, but in England it's "colour".

Quote:
He wore a simply gray shirt,
Should be "grey".

Quote:
Relieved, and climbed over the railing and plopped onto the stream bed.
You don't need a space at "steam bed".

Quote:
. I saw him making quick handsigns,
You need a space at "hand signs".

Quote:
it creaked a little bit, then started to give
Meh, you should have "and" after "bit,".

Quote:
I could see the rest of my teammates i
"teammates" should be "team mates" or "team-mates".

Quote:
How did it project it’s chakra like that?
"it's" doesn't need the apostrophe.

Description / Detail

This is what will get you the captured. No doubt, this was a really good part of your story. The descriptions were so vivid and so accurate. ^_^ I could picture everything in your story like a well drawn picture. The colours were so great, your adjective usage was amazing, I wish I could describe like this. I really think your descriptions were great, I do. I loved how you replaced dull adjectives like large, and fat, with things like plump and HUGE. I think you were really creative and everything with this, I can just see the effort. You described all your surroundings really well too, I got a taste of every sense there is, except smells.

Smells, we meet again. Ok, smells and musks and stuff are like smells (lol). So we could get a better picture of the story and characters if you tell us if there is any there. Eg; there was an enchanting musk coming from someone in the sqaud. I know it sounds funny, but you need to let us know.

Battle

This was a tad short, but still actually pretty good. I love your surroundings usage for some of the battle, but maybe since Sneasal is really got at climbing and and agility you could of added a chase? Maybe a battle on the ceiling or something, it would make it more interesting. You move combos were good too. I think that your descriptions for the attacks were great too, just remember about type advantages and such, cause it was a little one-sided at times, but good job for the battle overall.

Outcome

This was overall a great story, the description was great. Sneasal Captured! Enjoy!
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Last edited by pikahero2; 02-14-2008 at 12:28 PM.
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