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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 03-28-2008, 11:40 AM
walkthru's Avatar
walkthru Offline
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Default The Great Forest

This is my first attempt at a URPG story...

Pokemon Aiming For: Wurmple
Characters In Story: 4,000

The Great Forest

Zach was mythologist. Twenty-six years old, he had been studying ancient pokemon folklore for nearly a decade, ever since he got apprenticeship from Jubilife High School For Pokemon Trainers. He was extremely bright, but in reality, Zach didn't look it.

He had brought such a gangster look upon himself to fit in with, "this new age," and instead of being regular as was all of his ancestors before him, he wore different, and apparently trendy clothing. He wore a hoody, whenever it went past Five PM, and a designer coat. He had shaved of in the middle of his eyebrows, and pierced them on one side. His nose was a little bit longer than usual, and his lips were small.

The elders at where Zach studied had sent him on a visit to the Johto Region. This was his first field trip, and he intended it to be a success. He had been told deep within a place called Ilex Forest was a sacred shrine, and in it, a sacred pokemon. The pokemon was called ... Celebi.

We catch up with Zach as he stumbled into the large country city of Azulea, being chased out of a local cavern by Zubats, one of which was the size of a Golbat. On the way to Azulea, simultaneous to the Zubat chase, Zach had noticed a huge well to the side of him. Laying in front of it was five chubby Slowpokes covered in muds. They smelt revolting, and gave Zach a horrible feeling.

His first sight of Azulea town was a deep country area, with a few buildings stuck in odd spots, as well as a ridiculously long path leading from the entrance of the Town to the exit of the town, right into the heart of Ilex Forest, Zach's destination.

"No," said a voice from outside a small Pokemart. An old man with mud-coloured grey hair had seen him looking at Ilex Forest. "Don't go there. Let the spirits be, please. Take this instead," he instructed. The old man reached into a deep pocket in his long black robe and found a oddly coloured tennis ball. He thrust it into Zach's hands.

"What is it?" Zach asked unpolitely. The old man frowned at him.

"It's a Dusk Ball. It's my own variation of a pokeball. It helps you catch pokemon at night or in caves. You can go back to the Slowpoke well and catch yourself one, since it's eight in the evening. Or, go back to that cave you came from. There are plenty of Zubats in there, and I've heard rumours of a special pokemon appearing on Friday's, and it's Friday tomorrow. The cave will also favour that ball. But whatever you do, don't go into the -"

The old man couldn't finish the sentence, because Zach had rushed off to Ilex Forest.

"JUST REMEMBER THAT IF YOU DIE, KURT WARNED YOU NOT TO GO IN THERE," The man shouted back. "That didn't make any sense..." Kurt muttered to himself. That must have been Kurt, the pokeball man. He seemed too cracked up to be famous...

Meanwhile, Zack's heart was pounding as he entered the famous forest. He saw thousands of small beady eyes looking at him, but he mentally shrugged them off. He only concentrated on one pokemon - the great Celebi. There was one long winding path into the forest, dark and gloomy. The Zubats had gone, but Zach would much rather be with them instead. He had pretended to be snooty and too smart for his own good at Jubilife, but really, he had a wandering mind, and was quite inquisitive about life.

Deeper and deeper into the forest did Zach plunge, and finally he was thwarted in his mission. A huge Parasect, with an extremely big mushroom stepped in front of him. Zach didn't have a pokemon, so he was going to be either paralyzed or poisoned. Today, the old man Kurt was right. He would die.

The Parasect withdrew some sort of Spore, and aimed it at Zach. For a moment he stood still, just accepting the fact he would be stuck in the menacing forest after being paralyzed. Maybe, if this was a Sleep Powder attack, he'd fall asleep against his will and be eaten by the huge insect that stood before him. He could not let this be...

But suddenly, at the last second, the Parasect was flung out of the way by a Psychic move. Zach looked around to see who had saved him. Then he saw it. It was a glimpse of Celebi, the spirit of the forest. It was a small majestic creature, with a tiny head rounded off like an onion. This was the greatest day of Zach's life. He heard a clipping noise from the bush. The Parasect was angered by Celebi's move. It launched itself into the air, surprising Zach, and pounced on Celebi. Zach guessed this was Pound, a common move used by many pokemon.

Celebi's facial expression changed. It seemed as if it wasn't expecting a battle. But, if circumstances caused it to have to fight for the guests of Ilex Forest, it'd have to reluctantly accept the outcome. Celebi hurriedly disappeared from Parasect's clench, and appeared in the air behind it. Teleport, used by many Psychic pokemon, Zach realized. Parasect landed with a thud.

This was all too much for Zach. He glanced up at Celebi, who was sparkling in the moonlight. He felt like taking a photo on his mobile phone, but thought again. It may have made Celebi flee, and Parasect might round on Zach again. I'd better not, he thought.

Parasect struggled to get up, but eventually did. It shrieked, and Zach heard scuttling from around the forest. Before Zach could catch up with what was happening, Celebi released a bolt of blue energy at Parasect and flung it right out of the forest completely. Psybeam was one of Celebi's special moves, Zach knew.

Suddenly, the whole forest seemed to circle Zach and Celebi. About one hundred insects, mostly Paras, Parasect, and Skorupi, glared at them. Not even Celebi could tackle this many, Zach confessed to himself.

He was proved wrong instantly. Celebi turned a mixture of different colours including orange, blue, and pink, before exploding. The whole army of Bug-Types were abolished, one by one, they exploded and deteriorated. It was an amazing but discomforting sight to know so many pokemon were harmed. The move was like nothing Zach had ever seen before. He supposed it was a Selfdestruct, but then thought again as he noticed a worn-out Celebi still hovering above him.

What could the move be? Zach wondered and wondered, but couldn't think of an explanation. Finally, he conceded the truth. There were many secrets about legendary pokemon that hadn't been discovered yet. Maybe this was one of them.

He thought of something. Even though he was told never to catch a legendary, Celebi was getting away and Zach had to take drastic measures. He pulled the Dusk Ball out of his pocket and launched it at the legendary pokemon, but Celebi was long gone. Instead, the ball landed right on a passing Wurmple. This was random, thought the deeply annoyed Zach.

Zach desperately waited for the Wurmple to pop out of the Dusk Ball, but after two rolls, it didn't. Would he have to catch the small insect?

My friend code: 1633 3961 3466
My name: Drew
Wi-Fi Battle Record
6 Battles.
5 Wins.
1 Losses.
I rock on wi-fi

Paired with Spectacular14.

Links My URPG Stats

Last edited by walkthru; 04-06-2008 at 07:31 PM.
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Old 04-06-2008, 01:35 PM
raintop's Avatar
raintop Offline
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Posts: 117
Default Re: The Great Forest

Plot: Zach, a mythologist, is sent by the trainer's school in Jubilife to collect information on the legendary Pokémon, Celebi. When he reaches Ilex Forest, he is attacked by a Parasect, and it seems he is about to get a taste of spores, before Celebi appears and knocks it aside. Desperate, he tosses a dusk ball at Celebi, but accidentally hits a Wurmple...

Decently original, though I have seen it before. What really bothered me were the seemingly random bits, like when the Zubat attacked or with the Slowpoke. These offered good description, but made the plot awkward. If the school knew that there was going to be danger, then why didn't they give Zach a Pokémon? Also, Zach's personality jumped around a lot. It said he was smart, but he rushed into Ilex dreadfully unprepared. His rebellious attitude seemed childish, too...

But what REALLY, REALLY bothered me was the end. He kind of just randomly caught the Wurple. It would have been nice if it had been tied in with the plot at some point. At the time being, the story wasn't really about catching Wurmple at all, it was more of just a side note in the last few sentences.

Introduction: Great, especially for your first story. You explained a lot clearly, crisply, and with very little length. You even described Zach's appearance, witch many first-time URPG writers forget, so I was exceptionally pleased. The only thing that really bothered me were the numerous grammatical errors, which made it a bit confusing to read. You clearly described Zach's purpose, and why he was there. It was a very enjoyable introduction, overall, and I enjoyed Zach's evident spunk, though I do wish a bit more time had gone into the development of a personality for Zach. He seemed like a bit of a rebel, but was in a fancy school and all, and trusted by the elders. Why?

Reasonably good. You seem to know most of the important rules, and follow them consistently, which is great. There were a few mistakes, but otherwise you're very good at this.

<<Zach was mythologist. >>

Think you missed something in there xD

<<They smelt revolting, and gave Zach a horrible feeling. >>

Should be 'smelled'. Smelting has to do with iron or furs or something, and is completely different.

<<from Jubilife High School For Pokemon Trainers >>
For shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not an important word in the title. Yes, this rule is obscure, but as a guide, in titles, words three letters long are not usually capitalized...

<<"JUST REMEMBER THAT IF YOU DIE, KURT WARNED YOU NOT TO GO IN THERE," The man shouted back. "That didn't make any sense..." Kurt muttered to himself. >>

I don't honestly know what you mean here... But if the man who shouted is Kurt, there needs to be a comma after 'back'.

<<He had brought such a gangster look upon himself to fit in with, "this new age," >>
“This new age” really shouldn't be set off, since it's not a clause of its own or a spoken phrase.

<<He wore a hoody, whenever it went past Five PM, and a designer coat >>

Hoody, I believe, should be 'hoodie'... There shouldn't be a comma after it, either, and 'Five' should not be capitalized. It was a rather confusing sentence..

<<from the entrance of the Town to the exit of the town, >>

Town shouldn't be capitalized ;D

Otherwise, you did really well.

Description: You started out strong, but near the end of the story you kind of lost it a bit... What did the forest look like? What did Celebi look like? Since I've played the games and such I do know, but you have to write like I don't know anything at all. You don't have to go explaining Pokémon at the beginning of everything, but you do have to explain your story. The reader is blind to your thoughts, but you aren't, and you need to make them clear.

You also need to describe the towns a bit more and such. Your description was fine for a Wurmple, but really not for much else. In the next stories that you write, everything will probably need to be lavished with detail. Again, this was really, really good for your first story, and it was fine for the easiest level Pokémon, but I'm just giving you pointers for your next stories.

There was no battle, which, though it was explained, really threw the whole story off. Battle is a key component of the URPG, and to leave it of was... odd. You should have at least had the battle with Parasect and Celebi go on for longer, so that there was something. It was kind of unacceptable NOT to have one, and it was a huge disappointment.

Length: Perfect. Good job.

Outcome: Normally, you would have caught it... But, because of the lack of a battle and the randomness in the plot, I'm going to have to say Wurmple not Captured for now! Add a battle, please... And PM me for a regrade.

[URPG] - [space filler] - [VPP]
PM me for a grade - I don't bite!

Last edited by raintop; 04-06-2008 at 03:35 PM.
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