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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 04-06-2008, 05:47 PM
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Default The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

This is my first fanfic so I would really appreciate constructive critisism. It's a Mystery Dungeon type fanfic but it has nothing to do with the Mystery Dungeon games. The story takes place in Aesler, a country inhabited by Pokemon.

That's a not-so-great map of Aesler (The map is unfinished. I've only put the places that are mentioned in the first chapter. I'll update as the story continues.):
Aesler

**UPDATE** That's the updated map of Aesler. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the second chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #2** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the seventh chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #3** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the eighth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #4** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the twelfth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #5** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the sixteenth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #6** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the nineteenth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #7** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the twentieth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #8** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the twenty-fourth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #9** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the twenty-seventh chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #10** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the thirtieth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #11** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the thirty-third chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #12** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the thirty-fifth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #13** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the thirty-ninth chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #14** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the fourty-first chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

**UPDATE #15** Another update of the map. It's recommended not to view it if you haven't read the fourty-third chapter as it contains minor spoilers.
Aesler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Chapter guide:
Introduction
Chapter 1: On the back of a Lapras
Chapter 2: The besieged city
Chapter 3: A part of you
Chapter 4: In the restaurant
Chapter 5: The fight against the army
Chapter 6: The feast
Chapter 7: The city in the forest
Chapter 8: The secret room
Chapter 9: Dagger Range
Chapter 10: The place beyond the moon
Chapter 11: Battle under the moonlight
Chapter 12: The new leader
Chapter 13: Life in the capital
Chapter 14: Escaping
Chapter 15: An unpredicted meeting
Chapter 16: Sorvenvar's maze
Chapter 17: The Scorched Forest
Chapter 18: Battle of Chimevar
Chapter 19: History repeats itself?
Chapter 20: Deceived
Chapter 21: Meeting with a legend
Chapter 22: A change of mind
Chapter 23: The Forbidden Union
Chapter 24: The article in the newspaper
Chapter 25 Part 1: The plan
Chapter 25 Part 2: The Plan
Chapter 26: A visit to the restaurant
Chapter 27: Giving some help
Chapter 28: The Abandoned Mansion
Chapter 29 Part 1: Unexpected visitors
Chapter 29 Part 2: Unexpected visitors
Chapter 30: Slavers
Chapter 31: The Resistance
Chapter 32: Working in a printing office
Chapter 33: Suspicion
Chapter 34 Part 1: The Twisting Forest
Chapter 34 Part 2: The Twisting Forest
Chapter 35: The fight in the forest
Chapter 36: Mount. Keiborn
Chapter 37 Part 1: The Silver Moon Festival
Chapter 37 Part 2: The Silver Moon Festival
Chapter 38: Of Ursarings and rock falls
Chapter 39 Part 1: The Alakazam tribe
Chapter 39 Part 2: The Alakazam tribe
Chapter 40 Part 1: The feuding villages
Chapter 40 Part 2: The feuding villages
Chapter 41 Part 1: Lucy and Dan's bravery
Chapter 41 Part 2: Lucy and Dan's bravery
Chapter 42 Part 1: Memories and small secrets
Chapter 42 Part 2: Memories and small secrets
Chapter 43 Part 1: The Murky Swamps
Chapter 43 Part 2: The Murky Swamps
Chapter 44 Part 1: A soldier's change of heart
Chapter 44 Part 2: A soldier's change of heart
Chapter 45 Part 1: Make the best out of it
Chapter 45 Part 2: Make the best out of it
Chapter 46 Part 1: The Representative of Hope
Chapter 46 Part 2: The Representative of Hope
Chapter 47: The healer
Chapter 48 Part 1: Reunion Part I
Chapter 48 Part 2: Reunion Part I
Chapter 48 Part 3: Reunion Part I

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Characters:



Jolty: The twelve-year old Representative. She’s smart, kind and tries to look on the bright side though she's a bit timid and shy. Jolty has a dream of one day seeing all the Pokemon being happy and living in peace and that’s why she tries her best to become a great Representative and not let her people down. Though, she’s afraid that she won’t make it and that the Pokemon of Aesler won’t want to trust a kid, even if that kid is a Representative.



Rien: Twelve years-old and one of Jolty’s partners. He loves poetry and, like Jolty, he’s a positive thinker. He won’t talk much about his life and he hates seeing others depressed. That’s why he tries to cheer everyone up. Rien is afraid to express his thoughts and his feelings and if he did, the team might have escaped from a lot of trouble.



Delilah: Twelve years-old and the second of Jolty’s partners. Delilah is beautiful, likes to dance and has a wonderful voice. She’s sensitive and kind-hearted. She has a strong sense of justice although she’s the daughter of the tyrant’s advisor. That fact has led her to not be so respectful of Pokemon with power.



Feather: Twelve years-old and the last of Jolty’s partners. He’s protective and responsible although he grew-up with no protection at all. His biggest defect is that he doesn’t know when to stop so he sometimes ends damaging himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Introduction

Aesler is a country dominated by the Jicicle Dynasty, a dynasty of tyrants. The Jicicles are greedy, heartless and power-thirsty and since they rose to power, Aesler decays. However, the land of Aesler was once prospering and living in peace because of its noble rulers, the Representatives. The Representatives were seventeen Pokemon of a different type each who used to rule the country for thousands of years. They were just, kind, wise and protected Aesler and its Pokemon. They had a mark named Golen which appeared (it’s unknown how) at the bodies of the Pokemon who were worthy enough to rule the country. The Golen seemed to have mysterious powers. It always chose Pokemon who were great leaders and wonderful Pokemon. As long as the Representatives (or Golenors, which means chosen by the Golen) ruled, the Pokemon lived happy and peaceful lives.

However, it seems that even the Golen and its mysterious powers make mistakes. There came a time when the mark chose the wrong Pokemon. Horan, an ambitious and power-thirsty Dragonite, wanted to rule the country alone. Although the sixteen other Representatives had their reservations for their partner, none of them could think that he was planning to betray them. “They’ll die in three days… In three days, I’ll be the sole ruler of Aesler!” That’s what Horan wrote in his diary which was found later on. Indeed, three days after these words were written in the diary, the Representatives disappeared, not to be seen again. Horan though, wasn’t there to finally dominate the land. He had left for the north and never returned. Thus, the country was a toy in the hands of any Pokemon with power as the Pokemon were too panicked to bring any resistance. That’s how Jicicle, with the aid of an army he had formed, attacked Sorvenvar, the greatest castle in Aesler and the place where the temporary leader lived. The weak and incapable leader that was picked to rule the country until a decision about how Aesler would be ruled was taken, got killed. Since then, Jicicle’s descendants rule Aesler and no new Representative was born... until twelve years ago.

Jolty, a twelve-year old Jolteon, is the first Representative to be born after three centuries. Although very young, Jolty has to leave her house and begin her life as a Representative. That’s because the former-capital, Forenham, the only place in Aesler that’s not under the tyrant’s control, is besieged by the tyrant’s army and is ready to fall. As the city is pretty important for the fight against the tyrant, Jolty has to rush to the city’s side and help the Forenhamians beat the army. Then she must begin a rebellion and to do that, she has to journey around Aesler and prove herself to be a good Representative.

At the point the story begins, Jolty has met three other kids of her age, Rien, Delilah and Feather, in a forest. The three kids ask to join her in her struggle to overthrow the tyrant but she denies their offer thinking that they saw her mission as a game. However, when the father of Delilah -who's the tyrant's advisor- and a soldier stumble upon the Jolteon and start chasing her to take her to the tyrant, Rien, Delilah and Feather appear to her rescue and show her a few shortcuts out of the forest. A three-day-long chase begins until the four Pokemon reach the southern coast of the Great Gulf and ask the Lapras herd to save them and carry them to the former-capital to the north of the Gulf.
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~The Representative of Hope~

Last edited by Golden_Ray; 07-22-2010 at 01:54 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-06-2008, 05:50 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Chapter 1
On the back of a Lapras


Lyol, the leader of the Lapras herd, was swimming quickly carrying Rien, Delilah, Feather and I to the north, towards Forenham. The southern coast of the Great Gulf could not be seen anymore and that created the expression we were in open sea as we could see no land. As it was our first time in the sea, we couldn’t help but admire it. The water had a wonderful blue color and was so clear that we could see the bottom. The August sun was reflecting on the water and made the waves sparkle while warming us as much as the gentle breeze that was blowing allowed it. It was the second day of our voyage and the second day away from danger.

“Lyol, can we go swimming?” Delilah excitedly asked the male Lapras. Delilah was a female, black and blue, cat-like pokemon. She had yellow eyes, big round ears and a yellow bracelet at each of her front legs. The tip of her tail was yellow and star-shaped. Although the Shinx weren’t thought to be very beautiful pokemon, mostly because of their evolved forms, Delilah was as pretty as a Vulpix.

“Of course you can!” he said, turning his face to look at us. Lyol was blue-colored and had deep-blue spots covering all of his body. He had a big, spiky, grey-colored shell on his back and four fins. On his head stood a small horn and two curly things. “We’re going to the coast!” he called to his herd and turned towards the east with the other Lapras following him.

“We’re sorry we have to make you stray because we can’t swim well.” I told Lyol. Delilah and I had just learned how to swim the previous day so we couldn’t swim in deep waters yet.

“It’s okay Representative. We need a break anywat. Be grateful that we aren’t that far from the coast because it could take us days to reach it. The Great Gulf is huge.” He replied.

An hour or two later, the Lapras herd was having a rest at the beach as we played in the water. A male Lapras approached Lyol who was looking at us concerned.

“What’s up leader? You seem worried.” The Lapras asked his leader.

Lyol sighed. “Look at them, Gor. They’re still kids. They want to play and have fun. Who chose them to undertake such a duty?”

“Well, the Representative was chosen by the Golen.” Said Gor as he glanced at my mark on the right side of my torso. The Golen was black and propeller-like. It had eight “petals” and one white dot on each petal. In its middle stood a white, capital “G”. “As for the other three, it was their choice to follow her.”

“I’m afraid they don’t know what they’re into. Aesler’s condition is far worse than it seems. The country’s at the verge of destruction. There’s no justice anymore. The criminals are treated as heroes and the good pokemon are executed. Pokemon go to jail because they don’t have enough money to pay the taxes and whoever dares to express his own ideas and feelings, is meant to die. The country is at the most crucial part of its history, we desperately needed the best Representative of all time and what do we get? A kid!” Lyol exclaimed. “It’s not that Jolty’s not a good girl. She can really become a great Representative but she’s too young to make it.”

“I’m feeling the same, Lyol. It’s a pity. From the little I know her, she’s a wonderful person. It's going to be a shame to lose such a nice Pokemon. Maybe the time we’ll be free again hasn’t come yet.” Gor swam back to the rest of the herd with a sigh. Lyol looked for one more time at the four of us who were splashing water at each other and approached some Lapras who were discussing.

~*~

The night had fallen and the sky was filled with stars. A big silver circle could be seen on the sea’s surface. It was nothing else than the full moon’s reflection. The Lapras had fallen asleep and Rien, Delilah, Feather and I were the only ones awake.

“You know,” I started, not sure if I should tell them what I was thinking, “I heard Lyol talking with that other Lapras today…”

“We heard him too.” Rien told me. Rien was a male Buizel, an otter-like, orange-colored pokemon with a yellow floatation sack around his neck. His tail was forked and his belly had a cream color while he had a blue blade on each of his elbows.

“I think he wasn’t very careful. I mean, we’re pokemon too. If we can spit fire from our mouths, it’s not that difficult to hear someone who’s ten meters away from us.” Said Feather. Feather, a male Pidgeotto, was a brown and cream-colored pokemon with a long, red fluff atop his head and a red and yellow tail.

“Maybe he wanted us to hear him.” I suggested. “It doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that he’s right.”

“Don’t say that, Jolty!” Delilah told me in a slightly loud voice. “You shouldn’t think like that!” she continued in a lower voice as there was some movement from the sleeping Lapras. “We have already escaped from the tyrant’s advisor and a soldier.”

“Delilah’s right. We were running for three days with almost no breaks. My legs still hurt!” commented Rien and rubbed his front right leg.

“I know we did but that’s the least we’re going to face. Plus, we can’t always run away. We’ll eventually have to fight against soldiers.”

“Then we’ll fight!” Feather said with a determined tone in his voice. “We’ll fight and we’ll hope that we’ll win as we hope that we’ll beat the tyrant.”

“Yeah but, how are we going to beat the tyrant if we have no allies? You heard what the other pokemon think about me. If they don’t have faith in me, how am I going to help them?”

“It’s gonna be difficult, Jolty, but you’ll have to prove yourself. You may not be strong but you’re clever and have a heart of gold. I may know you for only four days but, I can tell that with certainty.” Delilah solemnly told me.

“We believe the same thing.” Said Rien and Feather nodded. “Oh, c’mon.” Rien exclaimed as he saw me looking at them in disbelief. “You’re not called the Representative of Hope for nothing! You appeared in order to give hope to the pokemon of Aesler but, how are you going to give hope if you don’t have hope yourself?”

‘The Representative of Hope?’ I thought. ‘I didn’t know they called me so. Huh! I think I like it!’

“You’re right, guys.” I finally said. “It’s really not like me to be so miserable. I promise that I’ll never lose my hope again, no matter what!”

“That’s the Jolty we know and love!” cried Feather and we laughed.

“Seriously, now. Stop doing like you know me for years! We met before four days and most of that time we were running! I can’t say we have spoken much!”

Delilah laughed. “It was enough to get an idea for what kind of pokemon you are. As you can see, we stuck together so you’re probably a good girl.”

I smiled. I realized for the first time that I may have just met my true friends. They seemed to care for me, even though we didn’t know each other well. I lay on the shell and leaned my head on my legs. “Good night, guys!”

“Good night, Jolty!” I heard three voices replying and I immediately felt that this journey might not be as awful as I had thought it would be.
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~The Representative of Hope~

Last edited by Golden_Ray; 10-01-2009 at 01:52 PM.
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Old 04-06-2008, 06:35 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

As this is your very first fanfic, I'm thinking this is really good. But you need to make the chapters longer. But great descripiton, though!
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:10 AM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

I think this is pretty good! The ideas are interesting, but not once did you capitlaize 'Pokemon'. Good job, though
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Old 04-08-2008, 06:05 AM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Wow, very good so far! I like the plot and I think it's really good. Also, good job on describing each of the pokémon! Stories about the pokémon themselves having adventures are my favorite kind of pokémon stories to read and this one is very interesting. I'll be sure to keep reading this^^
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Old 04-08-2008, 03:04 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by scalec View Post
As this is your very first fanfic, I'm thinking this is really good. But you need to make the chapters longer. But great descripiton, though!
Thank you very much! I know the chapter is too short. I thought it would be longer as it was several pages on Word but... Whatever. The next chapters will be longer!

Quote:
I think this is pretty good! The ideas are interesting, but not once did you capitlaize 'Pokemon'. Good job, though
I'm glad you liked it! I didn't know it was necessary to capitalze the word 'Pokemon'. I'll fix it anyway.

Quote:
Wow, very good so far! I like the plot and I think it's really good. Also, good job on describing each of the pokémon! Stories about the pokémon themselves having adventures are my favorite kind of pokémon stories to read and this one is very interesting. I'll be sure to keep reading this^^
This kind of stories are my favourite too! I really enjoy writting this fanfic just because of that fact. I hope you'll have fun reading it!


The second chapter is currently being typed. I'm not sure when I'll finish it but I'll try to post it as soon as possible.
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Old 04-08-2008, 10:54 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Wow, good story. The idea and creativity is excellent.
It did happen to get a bit confusing at times...You need to really tell and show us what's happening.
Because remember, we don't live there and it's impossible for us to know what's going on.

I caught a few minor errors, but that's about it.
Good formatting, though the prologue was a bit short.
You should work on your chapter length and keep up the good story.

I like how you've done character bio's too.
And the map is good. I can't wait to see it when it's finished.

This reminds me a bit of my fan-fic, only mine has a different plot-line.

Keep it up, can't wait for chapter 2.
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Last edited by Gem N Ems; 04-08-2008 at 10:56 PM.
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Old 04-09-2008, 06:35 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Latias_Rider View Post
Wow, good story. The idea and creativity is excellent.
It did happen to get a bit confusing at times...You need to really tell and show us what's happening.
Because remember, we don't live there and it's impossible for us to know what's going on.

I caught a few minor errors, but that's about it.
Good formatting, though the prologue was a bit short.
You should work on your chapter length and keep up the good story.

I like how you've done character bio's too.
And the map is good. I can't wait to see it when it's finished.

This reminds me a bit of my fan-fic, only mine has a different plot-line.

Keep it up, can't wait for chapter 2.
Thanks! I'm really happy you enjoy my fanfic!
I figured that my story would get confusing. I'll try to explain things better. Still, if there's something you don't understand, you can always ask me so I can explain it. I'm actually thinking about adding an "Aesler's secrets" section so I can write some things about Aesler that will help you get a better idea of the country.

Aesler's map is updated: Aesler

The second chapter is here and it's much longer. Again, I would appreciate critisism. I have the impression that this chapter has something wrong so if you locate any problems, tell me.


Chapter 2
The besieged city

“Oh my goodness!” cried Delilah.

“The condition’s far worse than I had imagined.” Said Lyol.

We were quite far from the coast but, we didn’t have to get any closer to understand what was happening. We saw the city of Forenham with its white houses and its impregnable walls built on a steep hill. Waves where splashing on the sharp rocks of the hill and made a deafening sound. All these where normal but as we looked towards the foot of the hill, we saw hundreds of tents extending until the first trees of the nearby forest and a deep red-colored flag, reeling over them. Details could not be seen but we knew exactly what all these meant.

“It’s the tyrant’s army.” Feather solemnly said.

“Yeah, and there are more tents than the last time we were here. It’s been a week since we met you at the southern coast but, it was enough for the reinforcements to come.” Told us Lyol.

‘And two weeks since I left home…’ I thought spontaneously. ‘It’s quite a long time.’

“So, what are we going to do?” Rien asked the Lapras.

“I think that we must wait ‘till night falls. Then, I’ll leave you at the beach. You’ll be on your own from then on, though.” Lyol replied.

We looked at each other. That was it. Play time was over. That week we passed in the sea was great, but it had to end. Now, it was time for action.

~*~

A male, black-colored pokemon entered a big, red and white-colored tent. He was really annoyed and anxious. He seemed concerned about something. He was about to lay on his bed when he spotted a figure sitting on a chair.

“What is it?” asked the black-colored pokemon and approached the sitting pokemon. The two-legged and four-handed, bluish-white creature stood up as he saw the black pokemon coming towards him.

“Advisor Rai, I’m really sorry to get into your tent without permission. I hope I didn’t bother you and-”

“Get to the point.” Advisor Rai instructed the Machamp impatiently.

“Yes, of course.” Said the pokemon and nervously scratched his head which had three yellow blades. “Uh, His Majesty, Jicicle the third asked me to learn if you managed to catch the Representative.” The Machamp saw the red eyes of the advisor reflect the anger he should have been feeling, making him seem even crueler. Of course, the black and spiky fur that covered most of Rai’s body except of his face and some parts of his legs didn’t help the Luxray seem more pleasant.

“Tell to His Majesty that he would have gotten word if I had caught the kids.” Replied the advisor calmly though his tail with the yellow star on its tip was whipping the air violently.

“I will, sir.” The Machamp paused wondering if he should ask. “I’m sorry if my question’s rude but, isn’t your daughter one of the kids who followed the Representative?”

“Delilah…” murmured the Luxray from his barred teeth. “Yes, she is. If only I had managed to capture them back in the Luminous Forest she…” Rai left his sentence unfinished.

“Oh, yes. Tomas informed me about that. He was with you that day, right sir?”

“Yes, he was. He followed me until we reached the Great Gulf. Tomas is a good soldier.”

“The Great Gulf? You mean that the Representative might be heading towards Forenham?” questioned the Machamp.

“Maybe. Now get out of my tent!” the Luxray yelled, not seeming to be in the mood to talk.

“Yes, sir. I’m leaving immediately, sir. Have a good day, sir!” The Machamp dashed out of the tent as fast as he could, before Rai could get any angrier.

“Idiot.” Murmured the Luxray.

~*~

The night fell and it was time we said goodbye to the Lapras herd. We were on Lyol’s back, ready to approach the shore. All the Lapras surrounded their leader and smiled at us. I saw their gentle faces and I felt really sad for having to leave them.

“Goodbye, Representative! Goodbye kids!” the Lapras said and we waved at them as Lyol swam away, heading towards the coast. The Lapras leader was swimming quickly but he tried to make as little sound as possible. Trying to avoid the camp, Lyol left us at the small forest, where there were no tents.

“It seems it’s farewell.” Told us Lyol.

“Goodbye, Lyol and thanks for everything!” Rien said and the Lapras leader nudged him.

“We had a great time with you!” Delilah smiled and Lyol nudged her too.

“Don’t worry about us, Lyol. We promise we’ll be careful.” Feather said and it was his turn to be nudged from Lyol.

“I’ll make it ‘till the end, Lyol. You’ll be proud of me!” I confidently told him and he looked at me surprised, seeming to wonder if I had heard his conversation. He nudged me though and looked towards the sky.

“I taught you some things about the stars during our voyage.” He said with his eyes still gazing at the full of stars night sky. “Can you see Kyogre’s constellation? I want you to remember my herd and I when you see it.”

“We don’t need a constellation to remind us about you. We’ll never forget you!” replied Feather and Lyol smiled, eyes glistening from tears that the Lapras didn’t allow to fall.

“Oh, and Representative. If I ever told something that hurt you, I apologize. I believe in you with all of my heart. Show them what you’ve got, Jolty!”

“I will!”

The sea Pokemon turned his back at us with a last smile and swam towards his herd. I felt my eyes filling with tears and I saw tears at my friends’ eyes too.

“Oh man! I’ll miss that guy!” said Rien while he was sweeping the tears from his face.

“We may see him again someday.” Whispered Delilah who made no attempt to hide she was crying.

We stood there until we couldn’t see Lyol anymore and we slowly headed towards the forest. The previous feelings of sadness from parting with Lyol were now replaced by fear which clutched our hearts and prevented us from feeling anything else. We entered the forest and used the trees and the bushes to hide ourselves.

Although the tents were quite far away, we couldn’t know if a soldier was keeping guard in the forest. Thus, we crawled instead of walking normally and we tried to make as little sound as possible. We managed to cross a lot of the forest without any problems at all but, as the trees began to thin, we heard someone humming.

I put my paw in my mouth to hush a gasp. I looked at Rien, Delilah and Feather with fear. We all crawled behind a bush, keeping our breaths. The humming was getting closer and I began to tremble. A voice in my head was ordering me to run, but I knew that such a reaction would be completely stupid.

Now, we could not only hear the humming, but also footsteps approaching us. We were sure that the Pokemon who approached us would be able to smell us in any minute. Indeed, the humming stopped and the Pokemon froze dead on his tracks. The Pokemon began walking again, but now his footsteps made less noise, indicating that he walked at his tiptoes.

My heart began beating faster and faster and I was sweating. The Pokemon came closer and closer and I was sure that would be our end. I had managed to survive for only two weeks. Although, I couldn’t say that I regretted them. I escaped from the tyrant’s advisor and a soldier, I met three great children and I crossed the Great Gulf with a herd of Lapras.

The Pokemon was only a few meters away. I could smell him. He was a male, fighting type, a soldier as I could presume. He was probably preparing himself for a fight as he stopped for some seconds and then began walking again but…

“What are you doing here?” barked a familiar voice. Delilah’s eyes widened and she bit her lip.

“My father!” she mouthed making our jaws drop. Things were getting even worse.

“I smelled something, sir!” said the soldier who immediately forgot everything about us.

“Really?” Rai told him sarcastically. “Maybe it was me who you smelled?”

“No, sir!” protested the soldier who began smelling the air again.

“Do you really believe that if there was something there, I wouldn’t smell it?” the Luxray asked the soldier in a loud voice.

“But-”

“Enough! You have no reason to be here! GO!” he yelled scaring the soldier who rushed to get away as fast as he could.

“Idiot!” the advisor shouted and walked away.

We looked at each other and blinked. We knew that the advisor should have smelled us. We were sure that he should have understood who was hiding behind the bushes as he should have recognized his daughter’s smell. However, that fact didn’t concern us for long. We decided that crawling wasn’t necessary anymore as the forest was coming to its end and we would have no place to hide from then on.

Rien, Delilah and I began leaping and Feather took off and began flying next to us. The last trees of the forest passed next to us in a blur and the hill on which Forenham was built on, towered above us. We kept running on the hill and soon, we heard voices from the camp.

“Over there! On the hill!”

“It’s a Jolteon! It must be the Representative!”

“Attack them! Whoever kills or catches the Representative, will be awarded!”

War cries and feet trampling were heard as the whole army began chasing us. We tried to speed up but we were exhausted due to the steepness of the hill. However, we didn’t stop running. Several attacks were fired by the soldiers but, fortunately, none of them hit us.

“Feather! Save yourself! You can fly and reach Forenham before the soldiers catch us!” I shouted to my Pidgeotto friend.

“I’m not leaving you!” he yelled as he maneuvered to avoid a flamethrower attack.

My throat was sore and I breathed hard. I would have crumbled to the ground if my legs hadn’t become stronger from the swimming in the sea and the three-day-long running back at the Forest. The others seemed to be in the same condition. Even Feather was fatigued by having to fly so close to the ground. The distance between the soldiers and us became smaller and smaller and we had to fight back by attacking them as dodging their attacks had become increasingly difficult.

The only thing that gave me the strength to keep going was the city that stood at the top of the hill. As I tried to concentrate on my destination and forget my exhaustion, I saw several faces appear from the top of the walls. The mouths of the faces opened and fired some wide ranged attacks who hit some soldiers, something that slowed them down. Meanwhile, a few flying pokemon flew out of the city and collided with the army’s flying pokemon who had joined our chase and were the biggest threat to us due to their speed.

Seeing the Forenhamians fighting to protect us, we tried even harder to reach the city. Soon, the hill became less steep and we saw the city’s gate open and an aged, brown-colored flying Pokemon waiting for us. With a last leap, we entered the city and the gate closed immediately behind us. We hardly believed we were alive…
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~The Representative of Hope~

Last edited by Golden_Ray; 10-01-2009 at 01:55 PM.
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  #9  
Old 04-09-2008, 09:56 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

This chapter was very good! I especially liked the part where they were fleeing from the army, it was realistic and they had to escape by other means than simply just trying to fight them all. I didn't see many errors except at this part,

“Oh, and Representative. If I ever told something that hurt you, I apology." I think it's supposed to be apologize but it's just a minor mistake. Your descriptions were also very good. I look forward to the next chapter!
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  #10  
Old 04-09-2008, 09:56 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Very nice.
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Old 04-10-2008, 07:24 AM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Hmmm...very good.
I caught a few mistakes, so you should re-read it if you have time.
Again, I'd just like to point out that as it's first person, you can't see, hear or know what anyone else is doing.
Just a point to keep in mind. Good job.
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  #12  
Old 04-10-2008, 02:46 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scytherwolf View Post
This chapter was very good! I especially liked the part where they were fleeing from the army, it was realistic and they had to escape by other means than simply just trying to fight them all. I didn't see many errors except at this part,

“Oh, and Representative. If I ever told something that hurt you, I apology." I think it's supposed to be apologize but it's just a minor mistake. Your descriptions were also very good. I look forward to the next chapter!
Thank you for your good words! Also, thanks for telling me about the mistake. I corrected it.

Quote:
Very nice.
Thank you very much!

Quote:
Hmmm...very good.
I caught a few mistakes, so you should re-read it if you have time.
Again, I'd just like to point out that as it's first person, you can't see, hear or know what anyone else is doing.
Just a point to keep in mind. Good job.
Thanks! I've corrected any mistakes I was able to find. As for the scene at the tent, I thought it was necessary. I couldn't make Delilah's father appear at the forest so suddenly. I'll try to not write any third person scenes though I'm afraid I'll have to as there are some things that have to be told, even though Jolty doesn't know about them.
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~The Representative of Hope~

Last edited by Golden_Ray; 04-10-2008 at 03:00 PM.
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  #13  
Old 04-11-2008, 07:43 AM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

You mistake my view.
Third person scenes are perfectly fine. I use them myself.
It was when they were saying goodbye to Lyol and you made him wonder if Jolty had overheard him.
You see, he shouldn't wonder anything because Jolty wouldn't know if he was or not, seeing as she is the one who's thoughts you are meant to be telling.
If that makes any sense.
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Old 04-11-2008, 09:29 PM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Latias_Rider View Post
You mistake my view.
Third person scenes are perfectly fine. I use them myself.
It was when they were saying goodbye to Lyol and you made him wonder if Jolty had overheard him.
You see, he shouldn't wonder anything because Jolty wouldn't know if he was or not, seeing as she is the one who's thoughts you are meant to be telling.
If that makes any sense.
I know that was a serious comment, but still...
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

It was funny!
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Old 04-12-2008, 12:39 AM
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Default Re: The Representative of Hope (PG/PG 13)

Funny how?...oh, nevermind...back on topic...
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