Originally Posted by Latias_Rider
Wow, good story. The idea and creativity is excellent.
It did happen to get a bit confusing at times...You need to really tell and show us what's happening.
Because remember, we don't live there and it's impossible for us to know what's going on.
I caught a few minor errors, but that's about it.
Good formatting, though the prologue was a bit short.
You should work on your chapter length and keep up the good story.
I like how you've done character bio's too.
And the map is good. I can't wait to see it when it's finished.
This reminds me a bit of my fan-fic, only mine has a different plot-line.
Keep it up, can't wait for chapter 2.
Thanks! I'm really happy you enjoy my fanfic!
I figured that my story would get confusing. I'll try to explain things better. Still, if there's something you don't understand, you can always ask me so I can explain it. I'm actually thinking about adding an "Aesler's secrets" section so I can write some things about Aesler that will help you get a better idea of the country.
Aesler's map is updated: Aesler
The second chapter is here and it's much longer. Again, I would appreciate critisism. I have the impression that this chapter has something wrong so if you locate any problems, tell me.
The besieged city
“Oh my goodness!” cried Delilah.
“The condition’s far worse than I had imagined.” Said Lyol.
We were quite far from the coast but, we didn’t have to get any closer to understand what was happening. We saw the city of Forenham with its white houses and its impregnable walls built on a steep hill. Waves where splashing on the sharp rocks of the hill and made a deafening sound. All these where normal but as we looked towards the foot of the hill, we saw hundreds of tents extending until the first trees of the nearby forest and a deep red-colored flag, reeling over them. Details could not be seen but we knew exactly what all these meant.
“It’s the tyrant’s army.” Feather solemnly said.
“Yeah, and there are more tents than the last time we were here. It’s been a week since we met you at the southern coast but, it was enough for the reinforcements to come.” Told us Lyol.
‘And two weeks since I left home…’ I thought spontaneously. ‘It’s quite a long time.’
“So, what are we going to do?” Rien asked the Lapras.
“I think that we must wait ‘till night falls. Then, I’ll leave you at the beach. You’ll be on your own from then on, though.” Lyol replied.
We looked at each other. That was it. Play time was over. That week we passed in the sea was great, but it had to end. Now, it was time for action.
A male, black-colored pokemon entered a big, red and white-colored tent. He was really annoyed and anxious. He seemed concerned about something. He was about to lay on his bed when he spotted a figure sitting on a chair.
“What is it?” asked the black-colored pokemon and approached the sitting pokemon. The two-legged and four-handed, bluish-white creature stood up as he saw the black pokemon coming towards him.
“Advisor Rai, I’m really sorry to get into your tent without permission. I hope I didn’t bother you and-”
“Get to the point.” Advisor Rai instructed the Machamp impatiently.
“Yes, of course.” Said the pokemon and nervously scratched his head which had three yellow blades. “Uh, His Majesty, Jicicle the third asked me to learn if you managed to catch the Representative.” The Machamp saw the red eyes of the advisor reflect the anger he should have been feeling, making him seem even crueler. Of course, the black and spiky fur that covered most of Rai’s body except of his face and some parts of his legs didn’t help the Luxray seem more pleasant.
“Tell to His Majesty that he would have gotten word if I had caught the kids.” Replied the advisor calmly though his tail with the yellow star on its tip was whipping the air violently.
“I will, sir.” The Machamp paused wondering if he should ask. “I’m sorry if my question’s rude but, isn’t your daughter one of the kids who followed the Representative?”
“Delilah…” murmured the Luxray from his barred teeth. “Yes, she is. If only I had managed to capture them back in the Luminous Forest she…” Rai left his sentence unfinished.
“Oh, yes. Tomas informed me about that. He was with you that day, right sir?”
“Yes, he was. He followed me until we reached the Great Gulf. Tomas is a good soldier.”
“The Great Gulf? You mean that the Representative might be heading towards Forenham?” questioned the Machamp.
“Maybe. Now get out of my tent!” the Luxray yelled, not seeming to be in the mood to talk.
“Yes, sir. I’m leaving immediately, sir. Have a good day, sir!” The Machamp dashed out of the tent as fast as he could, before Rai could get any angrier.
“Idiot.” Murmured the Luxray.
The night fell and it was time we said goodbye to the Lapras herd. We were on Lyol’s back, ready to approach the shore. All the Lapras surrounded their leader and smiled at us. I saw their gentle faces and I felt really sad for having to leave them.
“Goodbye, Representative! Goodbye kids!” the Lapras said and we waved at them as Lyol swam away, heading towards the coast. The Lapras leader was swimming quickly but he tried to make as little sound as possible. Trying to avoid the camp, Lyol left us at the small forest, where there were no tents.
“It seems it’s farewell.” Told us Lyol.
“Goodbye, Lyol and thanks for everything!” Rien said and the Lapras leader nudged him.
“We had a great time with you!” Delilah smiled and Lyol nudged her too.
“Don’t worry about us, Lyol. We promise we’ll be careful.” Feather said and it was his turn to be nudged from Lyol.
“I’ll make it ‘till the end, Lyol. You’ll be proud of me!” I confidently told him and he looked at me surprised, seeming to wonder if I had heard his conversation. He nudged me though and looked towards the sky.
“I taught you some things about the stars during our voyage.” He said with his eyes still gazing at the full of stars night sky. “Can you see Kyogre’s constellation? I want you to remember my herd and I when you see it.”
“We don’t need a constellation to remind us about you. We’ll never forget you!” replied Feather and Lyol smiled, eyes glistening from tears that the Lapras didn’t allow to fall.
“Oh, and Representative. If I ever told something that hurt you, I apologize. I believe in you with all of my heart. Show them what you’ve got, Jolty!”
The sea Pokemon turned his back at us with a last smile and swam towards his herd. I felt my eyes filling with tears and I saw tears at my friends’ eyes too.
“Oh man! I’ll miss that guy!” said Rien while he was sweeping the tears from his face.
“We may see him again someday.” Whispered Delilah who made no attempt to hide she was crying.
We stood there until we couldn’t see Lyol anymore and we slowly headed towards the forest. The previous feelings of sadness from parting with Lyol were now replaced by fear which clutched our hearts and prevented us from feeling anything else. We entered the forest and used the trees and the bushes to hide ourselves.
Although the tents were quite far away, we couldn’t know if a soldier was keeping guard in the forest. Thus, we crawled instead of walking normally and we tried to make as little sound as possible. We managed to cross a lot of the forest without any problems at all but, as the trees began to thin, we heard someone humming.
I put my paw in my mouth to hush a gasp. I looked at Rien, Delilah and Feather with fear. We all crawled behind a bush, keeping our breaths. The humming was getting closer and I began to tremble. A voice in my head was ordering me to run, but I knew that such a reaction would be completely stupid.
Now, we could not only hear the humming, but also footsteps approaching us. We were sure that the Pokemon who approached us would be able to smell us in any minute. Indeed, the humming stopped and the Pokemon froze dead on his tracks. The Pokemon began walking again, but now his footsteps made less noise, indicating that he walked at his tiptoes.
My heart began beating faster and faster and I was sweating. The Pokemon came closer and closer and I was sure that would be our end. I had managed to survive for only two weeks. Although, I couldn’t say that I regretted them. I escaped from the tyrant’s advisor and a soldier, I met three great children and I crossed the Great Gulf with a herd of Lapras.
The Pokemon was only a few meters away. I could smell him. He was a male, fighting type, a soldier as I could presume. He was probably preparing himself for a fight as he stopped for some seconds and then began walking again but…
“What are you doing here?” barked a familiar voice. Delilah’s eyes widened and she bit her lip.
“My father!” she mouthed making our jaws drop. Things were getting even worse.
“I smelled something, sir!” said the soldier who immediately forgot everything about us.
“Really?” Rai told him sarcastically. “Maybe it was me who you smelled?”
“No, sir!” protested the soldier who began smelling the air again.
“Do you really believe that if there was something there, I wouldn’t smell it?” the Luxray asked the soldier in a loud voice.
“Enough! You have no reason to be here! GO!” he yelled scaring the soldier who rushed to get away as fast as he could.
“Idiot!” the advisor shouted and walked away.
We looked at each other and blinked. We knew that the advisor should have smelled us. We were sure that he should have understood who was hiding behind the bushes as he should have recognized his daughter’s smell. However, that fact didn’t concern us for long. We decided that crawling wasn’t necessary anymore as the forest was coming to its end and we would have no place to hide from then on.
Rien, Delilah and I began leaping and Feather took off and began flying next to us. The last trees of the forest passed next to us in a blur and the hill on which Forenham was built on, towered above us. We kept running on the hill and soon, we heard voices from the camp.
“Over there! On the hill!”
“It’s a Jolteon! It must be the Representative!”
“Attack them! Whoever kills or catches the Representative, will be awarded!”
War cries and feet trampling were heard as the whole army began chasing us. We tried to speed up but we were exhausted due to the steepness of the hill. However, we didn’t stop running. Several attacks were fired by the soldiers but, fortunately, none of them hit us.
“Feather! Save yourself! You can fly and reach Forenham before the soldiers catch us!” I shouted to my Pidgeotto friend.
“I’m not leaving you!” he yelled as he maneuvered to avoid a flamethrower attack.
My throat was sore and I breathed hard. I would have crumbled to the ground if my legs hadn’t become stronger from the swimming in the sea and the three-day-long running back at the Forest. The others seemed to be in the same condition. Even Feather was fatigued by having to fly so close to the ground. The distance between the soldiers and us became smaller and smaller and we had to fight back by attacking them as dodging their attacks had become increasingly difficult.
The only thing that gave me the strength to keep going was the city that stood at the top of the hill. As I tried to concentrate on my destination and forget my exhaustion, I saw several faces appear from the top of the walls. The mouths of the faces opened and fired some wide ranged attacks who hit some soldiers, something that slowed them down. Meanwhile, a few flying pokemon flew out of the city and collided with the army’s flying pokemon who had joined our chase and were the biggest threat to us due to their speed.
Seeing the Forenhamians fighting to protect us, we tried even harder to reach the city. Soon, the hill became less steep and we saw the city’s gate open and an aged, brown-colored flying Pokemon waiting for us. With a last leap, we entered the city and the gate closed immediately behind us. We hardly believed we were alive…