Member List
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

Thread Tools
Old 03-24-2008, 08:02 AM
Dark Salamence's Avatar
Dark Salamence Offline
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 3,168
Send a message via AIM to Dark Salamence Send a message via MSN to Dark Salamence
Default Heart Of The Festival: Magby!

This is where I have decided to write my third story. I thought that this would be better instead of having just one thread. BTW, before you grade this graders, grade this:

Elana travelled along the windy pathway. Squinting from the bright sunlight, she could just make out what looked like a fair in the distance. A strong gust of wind blew past. Elana’s dark brown ponytail blew in her face and her white t-shirt fluttered around. A small gust of wind blew some leaves at her. She shielded her blue eyes with her arm.

Now Elana began to get excited. It was a fair up ahead! She didn’t want to miss it. Elana decided that she deserved a break from training. Besides, she loved festivals! She took a deep breath and began to run towards it.

She stared at the scenery beside her. It was a pleasant meadow, with short, soft grass, pretty flowers, shady trees and lots of bug type pokemon slithering around. She looked ahead of her. She was almost at the gate!

Elana puffed as she arrived at the fair. Running all that way had being tiring work! After looking up, Elana became more amazed than she had when she first saw the fair. Rides and stalls towered over her. She looked to her left. There were food stalls and games! Stages and halls lined the right side. She looked straight up. There was a huge Ferris Wheel with luxurious looking carriges. And just in the distance, there were rides. Not just a few rides, lots of rides!

That was enough to make Elana very excited. She rushed through the gates and into the showground! But something grabbed her collar. She turned to see a guard holding her. He was tall and wore a blue uniform. He had a big moustache and looked very serious.

“Excuse me missy, you need a ticket to enter,” he said. Elana turned to him.

“Oh, I was just getting a feel for it,” said Elana sheepishly. “I’ll go and get a ticket now.”

She walked proudly over to the ticket stand where a kindly lady stood. To her dismay, there was a very long queue. She slumped down onto the ground.

“I can’t believe it! What a queue. I’ll have to wait for ever!” she said sadly. “Why can’t these stupid people hurry up?” She thought as she watched the queue slowly become smaller.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Elana placed her money on the counter. The lady smiled sweetly. She handed her something else along with the ticket.

“Because you’ve being waiting so long,” she winked. Elana read it. A coupon. She couldn’t believe it. Free fairy floss? After quickly thanking the lady, she ran off to the fairy floss stand on the left of the festival.

Elana walked up. There was a chubby man with a kind look on his face behind the stand. He wore a white apron with pink fairy floss stains on it. Elana looked around.

“Uh…” she began as she looked up at the fairy floss packets lining the roof of the colourful stand. There was a large fairy floss machine next to the man. “I’m here for a free fairy floss,” she said as she handed the man her coupon. The man chuckled before handing her a bag of fairy floss.

“Here you are sweetie,” he said as Elana began to eat. Elana turned back to the fair. A large, coloured banner caught her eye.

‘Pokemon Balloon Race Today,' it read. Elana was very excited. She had never being to a balloon race before. Elana quickly hurried off to the balloon stadium. She stopped for a moment. “Magby!” she heard. Then suddenly, something small leaped into her arms. It was a orange- red pokemon. Elana decided to look it up.

Magby, a fire type pokemon. This pokemon is healthy when its flames are yellow,” Elana’s Pokedex read. Just then, a girl ran up to Elana.

“Thankyou for catching Magby,” she said.

“My name’s Elana,” said Elana to the girl. By now the two girls were sitting at a table.

“And my name’s Marina,” said the girl. Elana seemed interested.

“Are you entering the balloon race today?” she asked. Marina nodded. “In that case, could you please explain it for me?” asked Elana. Marina nodded again.

“Well,” she began, “Every year, a pokemon balloon race is held in this festival. Colourful balloons race to Icicle Mountain,” Marina pointed to a snowy mountain in the distance. Then she showed Elana to her balloon. “A fire pokemon sits here to fuel the balloon,” said Marina as she pointed to a small platform. Elana was interested.

“What pokemon are you using?” she asked.

“My Gowlithe,” replied Marina as she pointed to her fire pokemon. Elana opened her Pokedex. “Growlithe, a puppy pokemon. This pokemon is a fire type.”

“Wouldn’t Magby be a good help too?” asked Elana.

“That’s the problem,” Marina said. “Magby doesn’t want to help. It just hangs around the balloons and I.” Magby squirmed in Marina’s arms. “I don’t know why it stays here. It just seems to like the fair and I. I think it wants to help out the fair some how.”

“Wow…” said Elana. Marina nodded.

“And Magby isn’t even mine,” she said. “It just hangs around here.”

“Why don’t you find it a job to do around here?” asked Elana. Marina brightened.

“Good idea,” she said. “I’m a little busy, but if you could find Magby something to do, that would be great,” she said. Elana nodded.

“I’ll make sure that Magby finds a good job!” she said. And with that they set off.

Elana started with the stall section. Elana showed Magby to the fairy floss shop. Magby just turned up its nose. Elana then brought it to the popcorn stand. Magby wasn’t interested. Elana tried every stall and shop, but Magby certainly didn’t seem to want to work there.

Next Elana tried the show halls. Elana showed Magby pokemon dressing up for a concert. Magby walked away. Elana showed Magby a magic show. Magby flailed in it’s seat. Elana tried every show and concert, but Magby just wasn’t interested.

Elana then brought Magby to the rides. Maybe it would want to help with operating them. But instead of finding a job, the pair ended up going on all the rides!

Magby dragged Elana to the Ferries Wheel. Elana sat next to Magby in the luxurious carriages and sat back while watching the mini TV screen.

Next, Magby dragged Elana to the Dodgem Cars. Magby kept on bashing into Elana. It was having a lot of fun. But Elana didn’t give up that easily. She bashed into Magby! Elana was having a lot of fun too!

Lastly, Magby dragged Elana to the giant slide. Elana could barely see the top of it! After sliding down once, Elana and Magby had to do it again. The two ended up staying there for an hour.

But still, after all the rides, Elana had not found Magby a job. But she was determined. She sat down for a while and thought. She then noticed Magby staring at the balloons.

“I thought you didn’t want to help with that,” said Elana. But then Elana realised what Magby was thinking. It liked the design of the balloons. “If you like colours and designs, I have just the job for you,” said Elana as she lead Magby to a bare wall. “You can help paint!” Magby was very exited. After some reasoning with the painter, Magby had it’s new job.

Elana was glad to see Magby enjoying what it was doing. Suddenly, she remembered, the balloon race was starting any minute! She raced off to the stadium to meet Marina. As she searched for Marina breathlessly, someone tapped her on the shoulder. Marina!

“So, how did it go?” she asked.

“It was good,” replied Elana. “I realised that Magby liked to hang around the balloons because it likes colours and designs. So I got it a job painting bare walls. It seems to enjoy it a lot.” Marina smiled.

“Are you gloing to watch me win?” she asked.

“You bet!” replied Elana as she sat down and waited for the race to begin.

It was very exciting. Some of the balloons were attacked by wild pokemon, and were sent crashing into the ground. Elana cringed at the sight of the damaged balloons, and was glad that Marina wasn’t in one of them.

A sudden storm also took some contestants by surprise. It also sent some balloons crashing down to the wet ground, where there was a tangled mess of balloons, which had also been destroyed previously.

The rain pattered softly on the ground, and Elana was glad that the storm was over. After the dark and unfriendly looking clouds had cleared, Elana could see that Marina was a long way ahead of the remaining balloons. Elana was thrilled to see Marina win the race!

After she had been rewarded, Elana met Marina and congratulated her.

“I’ve had a lovely day, but it’s getting late. I have to head back to the Pokemon Center.”

Elana waved goodbye to her friend. “I hope I see you again!” she said as she walked back down the pathway.

Suddenly, she felt tugging on her leg. She spun around. It was Magby! “Do you want to come along with me?” she asked. Magby nodded. It hopped up and down, it looked like wanted to battle!

Elana threw a pokeball from her belt.

“Kricketot, go!” she cried, sending a pokeball flying through the air. A small, cricket like pokemon came out. It slammed into Magby with Tackle. Elana could hear Magby scrape along the ground. It rolled along the grass until it helplessly bumped into a tree. Kricketot glowed red. It started to store energy using Bide!

Magby jumped back up, slightly dazed, and slammed into Kricketot with tremendous force. It sent sparks of fire at Kricketot with Ember! The bug pokemon released its stored energy! The attack was powerful, but Magby was hardly damaged. It used Flamethrower! Kricketot was scorched. The cricket pokemon fainted. Elana was guilty. She forgot that bugn pokemon were weak to fire types.

“Umbreon, go!” she cried as a black pokemon with glowing yellow rings on it’s body emerged from the pokeball. Umbreon used Quick Attack to slam into Magby. Magby fought back with Smog. Before Umbreon had a chance to respond to the sudden attack, it breathed in the poison. It teetered and struggled to stay on it’s feet, but it wouldn’t let Elana down. The black pokemon was determined, but its legs wouldn’t hold it up any longer. Umbreon collapsed on to the ground.

Elana cringed at the sight of her pokemon in pain. “Get up Umbreon!” she called worriedly. Elana’s supporting words brought the black pokemon back to its feet. This battle was far from over!

Magby, surprised by Umbreon’s sudden comeback, aimed a powerful Flamethrower at it. Umbreon dodged skilfully. The flame singed a nearby tree and sent it crashing to the ground. Magby attempted another Flamethrower. Umbreon quickly jumped on to the singed log to dodge. Magby was getting impatient. The furious Flamethrowers, becoming more careless than the last, were no match for Umbreon’s speed, as it ran across the log.

Umbreon was becoming tired. The black pokemon stopped for a short rest. Magby saw this as a chance to attack. It jumped on to the log and aimed a careful Flamethrower at Umbreon, who didn’t have enough time to completely dodge the attack. The powerful move singed Umbreon’s leg! Magby tensed. It was about to finish Umbreon off with Fire Blast! Umbreon’s leg was too sore for it to move. The helpless pokemon was poised on the log, ready to take the hit, which would take it out for sure! Elana had to think of something quickly.

“Confuse Ray!” she called. Umbreon’s eyes glowed. Magby stopped in its tracks. It teetered and fell off the log, landing in a poison ivy bush. It was confused and unconscious! “Now, Faint Attack!” cried Elana. Umbreon disappeared and reappeared in front of Magby, making sure it wasn’t in the poison ivy before it delivered the final blow! Elana quickly took a spare pokeball from her belt and hurled it at Magby. The fire pokemon was sucked inside. Elana waited nervously as the pokeball wriggled from side to side.

Targeted Pokemon: Magby
Difficulty: Simple
Characters: 9,331
Characters (W/O Spaces.): 11,345



Last edited by Dark Salamence; 03-30-2008 at 06:05 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2008, 11:32 PM
Dark Salamence's Avatar
Dark Salamence Offline
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 3,168
Send a message via AIM to Dark Salamence Send a message via MSN to Dark Salamence
Default Re: Heart Of The Festival: Magby!

Now ready for grading! ^^


Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2008, 08:55 PM
The Jr Trainer's Avatar
The Jr Trainer Offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 8,426
Send a message via AIM to The Jr Trainer Send a message via MSN to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Yahoo to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Skype™ to The Jr Trainer
Default Re: Heart Of The Festival: Magby!

Story/Plot -
This was definitely interesting, I really could get the just of things. The whole story made since together and I really could clearly see what Elana wanted to do, you made it so that I could understand what she was thinking the whole time, and I didn't have to think about what was going on. Which is very acceptable since you want the story to be full, and not make the reader stop and think about what you're trying to get out. But, at the same time I couldn't really think the way Elana was; She seemed as a very focused person, but then got sidetracked with the job-searching, though, this is okay it made me stop and think for a second. Maybe to slow the plot down? :P And yes, it was a rather fast sped story, everything kind of was rushed. You don't have to make the story extremely fast paced, slow it down and make it so that the story indulges into the reader, and makes them see it in front of their eyes instead of a computer screen. ^^

This was a very different plot, as well. You could've elaborated and made it for a better Pokemon through my eyes, but this was well enough for me and I hope you continue you make up these different-idea plots, they make the story a lot more interesting; instead of falling asleep when reading a 'go to forest, catch Pokemon' kind-of-thing. ^^

Introduction -
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is just what graders look for: where, when, why, who, and how. You put it all in here, and it made the story be able to stand on its feet, really. The introduction can be the most important thing in the story; the story gets going off of the intro, without it, the story is pretty bland and you have to make up for that with something or other.

Yes, very good here as well. I was very happy with it. ^^;

Grammar/Spelling -
Nothing majorly wrong here, I just saw a few flaws that I want to point out to you. And remember anything related to Pokemon at all, should be capitalized.

It was a pleasant meadow, with short, soft grass, pretty flowers, shady trees and lots of bug type pokemon slithering around.
When you have a list like this one, make sure you have a comma in between each listed item, now you did that. There is just one thing: put a comma in between the last item and the word "and". Also don't forget to capitalize thing related to Pokemon. xP

“Get up Umbreon!” she called worriedly,
You did this sometimes, in others you did not. When you're calling someone/thing for something, make sure to put a comma before the person being addressed, whether it be a Pokemon, or a human, or an anything. :P So a comma would go after "up". And also, for anything like this you put a comma before, after the name so if it was, "Umbreon get up!" you put the comma after "Umbreon".

Yes, that is all. ^^;

Description -
This was satisfactory, you could have had more, but after all: it's just a simple little Magby. Your detail in the beginning of the story was a lot better than in the end of the story, it was really pumped... then sort of died off at the end. Make sure all the story is filled with wonderful amount of detail, even simpler things make the best descriptions. Colors, tastes, textures; really anything that can be described absolutely should be, even if they only play a small role in the story. ^^; They can make a star appearance, and look great while doing it. xD

Yes, some more description could be added onto this, but it was good enough for my tastes, and this little fire pet, thingy. @_@

Battle -
Long enough for sure, haha. You definitely excel here, attacks were good and descriptive you didn't really leave anything for me to say other than making the battle less of a gameboy battle, and more of one that is like the anime and whatnot.

Good job here. ^^;

Outcome -
Dun... dun... dun... xD This story was probably one of the better that was for a simple Pokemon, I can plainly see you will excel in the future. Magby captured! Just remember to add in s'more description, and you should be able to get anything you want from writing. :P

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 04-08-2008 at 10:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-09-2008, 07:50 AM
Dark Salamence's Avatar
Dark Salamence Offline
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 3,168
Send a message via AIM to Dark Salamence Send a message via MSN to Dark Salamence
Default Re: Heart Of The Festival: Magby!

Thanks Junior, that's been my best story yet judging from what you said! ^^ It was originally going to be for Vulpix, but I realized that it wasn't a Simple Pokemon, and I wanted to try a few more Simples before I moved on.


Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:15 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: