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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 11-26-2008, 02:47 AM
Seeda the Bulbasaur's Avatar
Seeda the Bulbasaur Offline
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Exclamation Fanfiction: A REALLY SHORT STORY

An Empoleon named Marina was proofreading her story on a
computer,she went on a forum and found the Fanfiction
topic. She then found her story, the title was called , "Bliss",
thus clicked the link, and the page revealed text,
"Bitter winds gusted through the forest, its howls
screaming in the cold night. A small Starly shivered
violently, it stomach growled, pleading for food."
"Alright, got that covered. Moving on too Pargaraph 2.",
She continued on, "It noticed something which seemed
to be a strange object, "Hhello, hello, are you here
to save me?" It started to move toward
him. "Don't hurt me." It turned out to be a Torchic,
it smiling face nodding, "It's okay, everything will
be alright."
"Good, it seems to be--,"But then a voice was heard, "Honey,
your friends are outside!" "I'll be outside, Mom."
Thus she left, going into the fresh air.
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Last edited by Seeda the Bulbasaur; 11-27-2008 at 05:18 AM.
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  #2  
Old 11-26-2008, 07:12 AM
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Default Re: Fanfiction A SHORT STORY

A Butterfree sat at her computer, looking briefly over the titles in the fanfiction section at PokémonElite2000 before going to school. She saw "Fanfiction A SHORT STORY". Thinking, "Huh," she opened it and found that it was a really short, bad story ironically trying to make fun of other really short, bad stories. She shook her head, but figured she might as well try to tell the guy where he went wrong.


...see, the fact that you're appalled at the quality of other stories just doesn't automatically make utterly half-hearted efforts like this any good. :/ Your story literally goes like this:

'An Empoleon sat at her computer, scanning titles on a forum, she found a title, she clicked the link, the page revealed text. The Empoleon sat there wide eyed, "Can this guy WRITE?" She continued reading. She was struck by this kind of writing, "He probably needs mental help." She left, going into the fresh air.'

...except that you happen to irrelevantly include the text she is reading. This is really not a story, and certainly not as superior to the story you're mocking as you would like to think. It's a Pokémon fic only because you happened to introduce the main character as "an Empoleon" rather than "a boy" or "a girl" or "a five-headed green Martian named Boopbeep", and the character is a blatantly obvious self-insert put in there as a voice for your personal rants. The actual story is five sentences long and just has the main character reading something and shaking her head over it before randomly going outside. There is no storyline, or characterization, or actual humour, or in general anything else that could possibly make this pass for a story.

Combine that with the fact that your grammar and punctuation aren't all that stellar and the writing itself is extremely bland (every sentence starts with "she" or "a/the Empoleon", for instance, they are too short, and even in such a short piece you manage to repeat a few words to the point of being distracting), and there is really no worth to this no matter how you look at it. Sorry.
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Last edited by Dragonfree; 11-26-2008 at 11:32 AM.
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  #3  
Old 11-26-2008, 03:43 PM
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Default Re: Fanfiction A SHORT STORY

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfree View Post
A Butterfree sat at her computer, looking briefly over the titles in the fanfiction section at PokémonElite2000 before going to school. She saw "Fanfiction A SHORT STORY". Thinking, "Huh," she opened it and found that it was a really short, bad story ironically trying to make fun of other really short, bad stories. She shook her head, but figured she might as well try to tell the guy where he went wrong.


...see, the fact that you're appalled at the quality of other stories just doesn't automatically make utterly half-hearted efforts like this any good. :/ Your story literally goes like this:

'An Empoleon sat at her computer, scanning titles on a forum, she found a title, she clicked the link, the page revealed text. The Empoleon sat there wide eyed, "Can this guy WRITE?" She continued reading. She was struck by this kind of writing, "He probably needs mental help." She left, going into the fresh air.'

...except that you happen to irrelevantly include the text she is reading. This is really not a story, and certainly not as superior to the story you're mocking as you would like to think. It's a Pokémon fic only because you happened to introduce the main character as "an Empoleon" rather than "a boy" or "a girl" or "a five-headed green Martian named Boopbeep", and the character is a blatantly obvious self-insert put in there as a voice for your personal rants. The actual story is five sentences long and just has the main character reading something and shaking her head over it before randomly going outside. There is no storyline, or characterization, or actual humour, or in general anything else that could possibly make this pass for a story.

Combine that with the fact that your grammar and punctuation aren't all that stellar and the writing itself is extremely bland (every sentence starts with "she" or "a/the Empoleon", for instance, they are too short, and even in such a short piece you manage to repeat a few words to the point of being distracting), and there is really no worth to this no matter how you look at it. Sorry.
It's okay, I'm also VERY careful of not trying to repeat words,
or spell them wrong. I think I should ALWAYS proofread my
writing, then I can correct some mistakes. Thanks.
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  #4  
Old 11-26-2008, 03:53 PM
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Default Re: Fanfiction A SHORT STORY

Hmm...well, I didn't really understand any of that. To sum it up, an Empoleon goes on a computer, or something. I really didn't understand anything more than that. Here's some tips I think should get you back on track;

Maybe you could fit in some description and slow the story down...it went way too fast. Why was the Emploeon at the computer? What is it doing on it? :P
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  #5  
Old 11-26-2008, 04:58 PM
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Default Re: Fanfiction A SHORT STORY

Thanks, I think I got that covered.
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