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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-20-2009, 01:52 AM
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Default Wormy Burmys [Ready for Grading]

Pokemon - Burmy & Burmy
Characters Needed - 6 - 10k
Total Characters - 7120
[Strike was NOT counted]
__________

Alex jumped through the brush and frightened a flock of roosting Starlies, laughing as they squawked at him from afar.

"Woohoo!" Alex cheered. "Ain't this fun, Monferno?"

"Ferno!" Alex's chimp Pokemon screeched with joy.

Alex and Monferno: an inseparable couple. These two have been friends since Alex earned his first Pokemon from Professor Rowan's lab, which hasn't been long at all. They have recently traveled through Jubilife and Oreburgh, getting the Coal Badge whilst he was there. Now the duo are about to emerge into Eterna Forest. What surprises will be held for them? Tune in next time to find out

After all of their fun and games were over, Alex got down to business on finding the entrance to Eterna Forest.

"Okay, so we just came Floaroma, so if we followed this route... we should be about 100 feet away!" Alex said enthusiastically. "So let's hit the road and get to Eterna City."

As Alex and his Monferno walked towards the entrance to Eterna Forest, Alex began thinking of all of the bug Pokemon that would be available for him to capture.

Oh boy, he thought. I just can't wait to get a Wurmple, or maybe a Combee, or maybe even Heracross!

When they arrived, they saw a small opening in the large hedges.

"You ready, Monferno?"

"Mon-Ferno!"

"Good, then let's go!"
__________

From the outside, Eterna Forest looked very bright and happy. But on the inside, it was a whole other story. Everything looked gloomy, dark, and depressing. Alex had a sudden change of mind.

Maybe catching those bug Pokemon will be a problem..., Alex slowly figured. Oh well, I'll have plenty of other chances in the future.

"Oh thank goodness, more travelers!" An unknown person spoke. "Maybe someone who will escort me!"

As Alex stood motionless, a beautiful woman with emerald green hair and a long green and tan dress stepped out of the nearby bushes, nearly stumbling over some rocks in her way.

"Oh, uh, hi," Alex said, dumbstruck by her beauty. "Uh, who exactly are you?"

"Please forgive me, my name is Cheryl," Cheryl responded very politely. "And you are?"

"My name is Alex. By the way, you seemed troubled when you first spoke. Are you okay?"

"Oh, no, I'm fine," Cheryl said. "You see, I'm a bit scared of the dark, especially in the forest, and I was hoping somone could escort me back to my home in Eterna City. Would you mind doing that?"

"Not at all," Alex agreed hastily. "But, do you have any Pokemon?"

"Oh yes. A very adoring Chansey." She added with a smile.

"Okay then. Are you ready for a trip through the woods?"

"Most certainly!"
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Last edited by Chromatic Alchemist; 07-21-2009 at 01:40 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-20-2009, 02:19 AM
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Default Re: Wormy Burmys [NOT COMPLETE]

The now trio walked through the woods, looking for the way out of the everlasting forest. They made conversation now and again, but mostly left their mouths shut, just listening to the sounds of Kricketots chirping high in the pines they called home, and the pitter patter of Buneary feet as they rummaged the forest floor for berries or fruits of the trees that gave them. It was quite relaxing. Day was turning to night, and the group had still not found the way out. Alex suggested staying the night in a clearing, and Cheryl agreed.

"Okay, we'll set up camp here. Cheryl, would you mind going to get some firewood?"

"Sure, I'll get Chansey to help," Cheryl said as she pulled the red and white orb out that contained Chansey. "Go, Chansey!"

A plump pink Pokémon with and egg in it's pouch appeared and let out a loud yawn.

"I'm sorry to bring you out so late, honey, but I need your help collecting some firewood," Cheryl explained to her Pokémon. "But before we leave, this is Alex and his Monferno. He's going to escort us back home!"

"Chan-Sey!" Chansey said to both Pokémon and human.

"I think she likes you!" Cheryl said with a huge grin on her face. "C'mon Chansey, let's go get some wood for a cozy fire."

Cheryl and Chansey walked off into the brush, and before long, Alex couldn't see them anymore.

"She is beautiful," Alex said as he pitched the tent. "I've never seen anything as good-looking as her in my life!"

"Mon, mon, monmon mon!" Monferno teased.

"Oh shush, and pitch the tent," Alex responded angrily.

An earsplitting scream shattered the night. Cheryl came dashing back and hid behind Alex.

"Woah woah woah! What's the matter?"

"M-me and Ch-Ch-Chansey were picking up t-the wood, and a b-bush moved!"

"Bush? Wait... could that be a Burmy?"

"I don't know, but please do something about it. Here it comes now!"

Sure enough, a small figure popped out of the bushes. A Burmy. And right behind it, another wiggled its way out. Two Burmies!

"Looks like luck is on my side tonight!" Alex exclaimed as he stared at the two bush Pokémon. "But, Cheryl, I'll need your help to defeat the little intruders.

"Okay, I'll t-try," Cheryl said reluctantly. "Go, Chansey!"

The pink Pokemon was sent out of it's Pokeball again, and it seemed to shiver when it saw the Burmies.

"Cheryl, you and Chensey take the Burmy on the left," Alex instructed. "Okay, Monferno, use Ember on the Burmy to your right!"

Small fireballs flew from Monfernos mouth and landed on the Burmy, severely burning it. Burmies partner tried to help it by blowing out the fire on his leaves.

"Now, Chansey, use Egg Bomb on the Burmy to the left!" Cheryl shouted.

Chansey took the egg out of its pouch and flung it at the Burmy. As it made impact, there was a small explosion and a yelp from the Burmy. The injured Burmy ran into the brush.

"No! Monferno, use Mach Punch to finish this one off!"

As Monferno rammed his fist into Burmy, a blue force field engulfed it and shot Monferno back.

"Wow, it used Protect. Good, but not good enough. Monferno, use Mach Punch once more!"

Again, Monferno raised its fist to attack Burmy. It tried using Protect again, but it was too weak to try and strain itself for another defensive attack. It took the punch at full force and lay motionless on the ground.

"Now, Pokeball, GO!" Alex yelled as he threw the orb at the Burmy. It swallowed it with a red flash, but didn't look back to see if it had been captured, as he had other plans: to catch the runaway Burmy.

Alex had to run a good distance before he caught up with the other Burmy, but he finally found it resting in a small clearing.

"Okay, Monferno, use Ember," Alex whispered, trying to gain the element of surprise.

Monferno shot another pack of fireballs, nailing the Burmy hard. It made a yelp, and jumped up to examine its attackers. The Burmy rushed forward and attacked Monferno with Tackle. Surprisingly, the attack landed, but Monferno suffered little damage.

"Monferno, shake it off and use Ember again!"

Monferno attacked, but the Embers were deflected off of Protect's force field.

"Darn," Alex said. "This is turning out to be a handful. Use Mach Punch!"

The Burmy was defenseless as it tried to conjure up another Protect that failed. It was slammed against a tree by the force of the impact.

"Now, go Pokeball!" Alex sent out his last available Pokeball and watched it swallow the Burmy, just like last time.

It wiggled once, twice, three times...
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Last edited by Chromatic Alchemist; 07-21-2009 at 01:39 AM.
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  #3  
Old 07-23-2009, 09:04 PM
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Default Re: Wormy Burmys [NOT COMPLETE]

Introduction: You introduce us to Alex and his Monferno. You briefly touched upon his previous excursions. Where he started, where he had traveled, where he was heading. You gave an okay introduction for this level of story.

Plot: Basically the game's Eterna Forest plot, only both sides have dialogue. I liked how while Alex spoke in a casual tone(Hi. Woohoo! Etc.), Cheryl spoke in a polite manner. A simple seperation of the two personalities, but you pulled it off. After deciding to camp out in Eterna Forest, Alex has Cheryl and Chansey gather some firewood, where they encounter a Burmy.

Description: Your description was okay. My pet peeve in a story is when you fail to describe your own character. What do Alex and Monferno look like? You did okay describing the setting, nothing spectacular, but it got the job done(for this level of story, anyways). Cheryl received most of the description, which is okay. Your battle description was good also, I'll touch up on it there.

Grammar: Spelling-wise I only noticed 2, maybe 4 mistakes. The 2 that are certain were dropping an "e" in someone and "Chensey" instead of Chansey. The two that I'm not certain about are Starlies and Burmies, but they seem okay, since you dropped the "-y" and added "-ies". In a few cases, you used "Burmies" in a sense of ownership, that is not okay. You add an apostrophe s('s) when you want to say something like "The Burmy's partner".

Grammar-wise, all that really caught me was the dialogue. You did the first part right, but after the "he said", you need a comma if you are continuing the dialogue.

Quote:
"Woohoo!" Alex cheered, "ain't this fun, Monferno?"
The how he said it/what he was doing while he said it, can be considered a brief break from the dialogue, but you need commas and a lowercase to connect the two phrases. Other than that, good job.

Length: You fell in the upper lower portion of the 6k-10k range with 7.1k, it's okay.

Battle: As I said before, the description here was good. You had the start, middle, and ending of the attacks. I liked how you used Protect as a means of converting energy into a forcefield. In non-geeky language, Burmy used his stamina to make the shield, which explains why a Pokemon has a harder time getting it up a second time.(I was going to make a joke here, but nvm :X) Nice work.

Outcome: It was in the lower range, but you made it. Introduction was decent, as was the other areas. I have to say that the battle was the category you scored highest in.

Burmy and Burmy Captured! The battle was good, and everything else was okay. I gotta give you the double capture on this one.
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  #4  
Old 07-24-2009, 01:13 AM
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Default Re: Wormy Burmys [NOT COMPLETE]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyurgh View Post
Battle: As I said before, the description here was good. You had the start, middle, and ending of the attacks. I liked how you used Protect as a means of converting energy into a forcefield. In non-geeky language, Burmy used his stamina to make the shield, which explains why a Pokemon has a harder time getting it up a second time.(I was going to make a joke here, but nvm :X) Nice work.
xD

I got the joke. This shall be going in my signature! And thank you for the happy couple! I'll [try to] have a great time with them! :3
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