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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-18-2007, 05:31 AM
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Default It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

-Part 1-

Ryan was successful on catching a Pokemon for the 2nd time. He felt comfortable with all of his Pokemon already. Like Meowth, Ryan gave Poliwag some food. He took out more Pokchow for all three Pokemon and another few sandwiches for himself. They started to eat. Like always, the Pokemon ate quickly. After they finished Meowth and Vulpix were playing tag while Meowth was picking and delivering berries to Ryan. Ryan was packing in the berries while reading book on how to take care of Pokemon. Unluckily, a Razz Barry splatted on Ryan. The Pokemon laughed. Everyone was entertained. Ryan was also looking for other Pokemon to capture. Many Pokemon were around, but none of them seemed good enough for Ryan. While Ryan was packing berries, reading, and looking at the wild Pokemon, a Pokemon jumped down from a tree. It looked as if it was a monkey up in the trees. It started to tickle Ryan on the leg. Ryan shivered and looked down to notice the Pokemon. It looked like a battery. The Pokemon stopped tickling Ryan and suddenly attacked Vulpix for no good reason. Vulpix was hit by a little shock of lightning that made Vulpix angry. “Hey! Vulpix fight back that Pokemon with Ember! Hit it with a good one!” The fire fox threw a tiny spit of fire. The battery looking Pokemon, Elekid, was hit with the fire. It tried running away, but it didn’t work. “Great Vulpix. You’re awesome!” The Elekid then reacted quickly. It made a fist and came straight toward Vulpix. While it came towards Vulpix, its fist picked up a little electricity. Vulpix was hit and fell down again. Ryan was lucky it got up. “Now Vulpix, don’t give up! Use a Will-O-Wisp and burn that thing!

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 03-18-2007 at 03:52 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-18-2007, 05:32 AM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

-Part 2-

Vulpix did it exactly. It inflicted Elekid with a slight burn. Elekid started to run away as the fire hit it. It kept running away and didn’t try to attack. “Nice. It didn’t attack! Now another Ember Vulpix!” Ryan shouted to his very loyal Pokemon. As a good Pokemon, Vulpix once again did exactly what it was told to do. It threw another burst of fire at the battery looking Pokemon and made the fire worse. It hit it good and Ryan was sure of it. Ryan still had a good shot at this, but didn’t want to rush. He had to attack once more. While he though, Elekid threw another Thundershock. Another little shock of lightning hit Vulpix again. Vulpix didn’t give up though. Ryan knew that it would never give up. “Okay attack again! This time with Quick Attack!” Ryan shouted. He thought he couldn’t shout anymore. He lost his voice already. Trying to get his voice back, his Pokemon started to dash and confused the burned Elekid and hit it. Vulpix hit the battery Pokemon. Ryan was ready to attack again, but Elekid didn’t think so. It hit again with a kick on the lower part of Vulpix. Vulpix got pushed back again. Ryan could never give up though. He wanted the crazy electrifying Elekid. So he kept on going. “Okay now, Vulpix use Ember.” Ryan said in the low voice he had losing his voice. Vulpix did what Ryan asked…again. Vulpix threw a burst of fire at Elekid, but this time it was bigger than usual. Ryan noticed that Vulpix had another attack. He looked in his Pokemon Guide and it read ‘Flamethrower’. Vulpix had another attack up its sleeve! Elekid reacted back though. It hit Vulpix by throwing stars out. It was very similar to Meowth’s Pay-Day attack, but with stars. Like Pay-Day, Meowth dodged most of them, but got hit by one of the biggest ones. “It’s okay Vulpix! Use another of the Flamethrowers you have!” Ryan shouted getting his voice back. Vulpix did another Flamethrower. A big burst of fire hit Elekid and damaged it badly. Elekid was hit badly, but still had some in it. Elekid a different attack again, Shock Wave. Vulpix tried to dodge, but the attack was unavoidable. “No!!! Vulpix!!! Hit again with a Quick Attack once more!”

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 03-18-2007 at 03:52 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-18-2007, 05:33 AM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

-Part 3-

Ryan was urged. He had to reach for his on Vulpix,” Ryan exclaimed. “To the side!” Vulpix swished to side. Elekid hit the ground. Vulpix started to hit again. It dashed quickly, once again confusing Elekid on where it was and then attacked its big belly. Elekid got angry. It started to attack again with another punch. “Come over to the side and directed the Elekid to a rock where it hit its head. “Nice Vulpix. That was perfect!” Ryan jumped up knowing that he had this battle in the bag. He still needed a few more attacks though. Vulpix looked back and nodded. It was happy too. Looking to the front, Elekid was going straight towards Vulpix with a Quick Attack of its own. It dashed towards it. “Now, do a Quick Attack of your own Vulpix!” Vulpix did what he was told again. It made a dash of its own. It was all up to who was stronger. They both collided and both of them came out hit badly. Neither of them could move. They could barely crawl. None of them wanted to give up. Elekid got up, but fell back again. Vulpix got up too and stayed up. “Yes! Now use another Flamethrower!” Ryan shouted with all his might giving Vulpix commands. Vulpix did what was told again. As soon as Elekid got back up, it threw a mighty burst of fire at it. Ryan was so happy. He felt so grateful that he had a loyal Pokemon. Elekid was almost ready to capture, but Ryan didn’t think so. Elekid got back up. It couldn’t battle that much, but it hit with another shock of thunder. Elekid hit a very weak shock of thunder. “Don’t give up. You are better than that. One more Quick Attack Vulpix! Make it a good one!” Ryan watched as Vulpix gave a good Quick Attack at the weakened Elekid. Once again, Elekid laid on the ground. Vulpix was still almost fully pumped. Ryan needed Vulpix to hit just once more. “We need this catch Vulpix. Come on and use one more combo. Ember and Quick Attack Vulpix! I know you can do this.” Vulpix nodded. It came up with the combo. Vulpix tried it first, a burst of fire to hit Vulpix and then, a dash good enough to closely take out Elekid. Vulpix attempted and…pulled it off! “Great job Vulpix. You did it! Now Pokeball, go!” Ryan threw a Pokeball at Elekid. It started shaking. Vulpix couldn’t wait to catch it. He waited patiently. Ding after ding Ryan and his three Pokemon looked at the Pokeball. Once…Twice…and…

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 03-18-2007 at 03:52 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-18-2007, 05:36 AM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

Ready For Grade.
Pokemon to capture: Elekid
Words: 6,106
Pokemon level: Simple
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  #5  
Old 03-18-2007, 02:00 PM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

Hello again. ^_^

Ah, another story. I'm glad to see an introduction. However, you might want to try variety in the future, with his Pokemon. It's a bit odd for a wild creature to suddenly enjoy being captured... Or for all the ones he finds to, at least. ;)

How was Ryan packing berries while also reading? That sounds like two things that would be hard, and a bit messy thanks to the berry juice, to do. Don't just list what people are doing, especially if they're doing things at different times. Describe it for the reader. Maybe Ryan is trying to do both at once, and he accidentally drips some berry juice on the book, or perhaps he finally has to do one or the other? Or maybe he's quite adept and masterfully juggles packing berries with one hand as he holds the book with the other? Whatever he does, show us.

What other Pokemon did he see? Why didn't he think they were good enough for him?

Try to vary your words, too. You can call Vulpix by its species, but try not to do that so often. You tend to use that almost every time. Here, for example- Vulpix was hit by a little shock of lightning that made Vulpix angry. The second 'Vulpix' could be replaced by him/her, or the fire fox, or the fire type, or the fox Pokemon, or any number of other things.

Also, try to avoid redundancy. The fire fox threw a tiny throw of fire tells us what we already know, twice. Try replacing the 'throw' with ball of fire, or another description of the fire rather than a 'throw' of it.

Also, remember to break your story up. Paragraphs are good. ;) Rule of thumb, if it gets long, you could break it up whenever something new happens- Like when the berry picking is interrupted by the Elekid- or when someone speaks.

While it came towards Vulpix, its fist picked up a little electric. This should probably be electricity, not electric. ;)


Also, in the second post, you use loyal twice in two sentences very close together. Try to find a similiar word, or just don't reiterate the same thing. ^_^ I think we can tell Vulpix is loyal from how it behaves, in obeying him.

Overall, it was close, but I'm afraid it really needs to be fixed a bit before I can call this a capture. Sorry, Elekid Not Captured.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #6  
Old 03-18-2007, 03:53 PM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

I edited some things. I'm not sure if it is all. Could I have a re-grade?
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  #7  
Old 03-18-2007, 04:04 PM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

Much better. =) Elekid Captured.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #8  
Old 03-18-2007, 04:05 PM
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Default Re: It's a Battery! It's Eletric! It's Elekid?

Yay! Thanks FireflyK! To the stats!
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