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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-15-2007, 07:44 PM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Default twist of destiny

intro:
About a 12 year old boy named Destiny
description:
wears a black cap,sleevless top,white shoes and black jeans.
goal:to capture and train all the pokemon in the pokemon world
Pokemon:pichu
personality:excitable

my last story was terrible, im going for the easiest at the moment
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  #2  
Old 03-16-2007, 07:58 AM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Default Re: twist of destiny

chapter 1
the start of the journey

"PICHU LET'S GO!!!! COME ON WE GOTTA' START OUR JOURNEY SOON,typical pichu never listen's to me.PICHU come on stop ignoring me get over here"
"good pichu now come on we're heading out to become Pokemon master's and capture all the Pokemon in the world''
well maybe we could do that right?uh heh.
anyway we gotta' go to aqua city
Aqua city?i'm sure i heard about that somewhere.Oh yeah it's full of water Pokemon!In case you were wondering Pichu has red sack's on it's face,yellow and black ears,and cute pointy hand s and feet.

The sun was blazing down on Destiny and Pichu they were starting to think they'd never make it.........But then
"AQUA CITY,AWESOME GO PICHU,GO ME!!!!.
So when they got to aqua city it was full of trainers with water types.Aqua city was a beautiful palace of water Pokemon and also had lots of blue towers and a ton of.........Magikarp although weak on their own,they are strong in number's as you may find out.
Later that day Destiny was challenged to a battle by a trainer called Alex
"i'll call out my Shellder then.
fine i'll use Pichu,GO!!!

"come on"said Destiny "let's get started already"
"Ready when you are" said Alex
"Fine Pichu use your Quick attack
"Shellder use your Protect
"awww man fine then , Pichu Quick attack,don't let it miss okay
"fine by us we'll just keep protecting ourselves
okay now i've had it thunder
Pichu's Thunder had the power and intensity of a thousand suns,he managed to knock Shellder out with just that Thunder attack

chapter 2
Water gym easy win
Hey pichu there it is the water gym,it look's easy enough.
shall we go ?"
*pichu nod's*
i'll take that as a yes"
The gym has a blue roof,and the wall's were built with red bricks
let's fight i shall send out my Feebas"
said gym leader Daniel
then i'll go with Pichu.
Daniel had red hair blue short's ,and red long sleeve jumper
Pichu use Thunder!!!!!"
Then Feebas use flail"
What's the point it will just make my move more powerful cause your jumping at the Thunder not trying to get away"
"Iknow but if I can manage to attack your Pichu before the Thunder strike's then i'll be able to make your Pichu call of the Thunder attack"
"okay if you say so,Pichu strike your thunder.......NOW!!!!

And after the gigantic boom Pichu managed to pull off a win against the Gym leader now earning him the water badge.

chapter 3
learning to catch Pokemon
when approaching the front entrance Destiny spotted a Magikarp a wild one at that.
Pichu go!
little did Destiny know that in fact where he was battling there were known to be Gyarados
Okay Pichu use Thun............GYARADOS!!!!!!!!
WHAT GYARADOS HOW CAN THERE BE oh what the heck.Pichu keep that thunder for a second.
GYYYAAAAASSSSHHHHAAAAA
"OH NO A SURF,PICHU TRY TO GET AWAY
PICHU PI PI PPIIIIAAAAAAAA
Pichu do you have some energy left
pichu pi pi.....
i guess you do..then use your Thunder
okay that's Magikarp down but i've still got to get rid of Gyarados fine try.....uhn keep using thunder...hold it just a little longer...yes it's down.luckilythat gyarados fled

Destiny launched the ball at Magikarp
the ball flew through the air like an elegant eagle,it got Magikarp.The balls wiggled and wiggled
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Last edited by munchlax2000; 03-19-2007 at 07:13 AM. Reason: cos' i needed to
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  #3  
Old 03-16-2007, 07:09 PM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Default Re: twist of destiny

i'm ready to be graded
Pokemon to be captured:Magikarp
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Last edited by munchlax2000; 03-16-2007 at 07:27 PM. Reason: none
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  #4  
Old 03-17-2007, 02:46 AM
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Default Re: twist of destiny

Story: To be truthful, it wasn't that original, but then again it is just for a Magikarp. It works, however, probably the reason why the plot in question is used a lot. For your future stories, however, I might suggest introducing slightly more of a plot.

Also, the story was mainly speech- this isn't really a good thing to have. I also got a feeling that it was a bit rushed, and putting in more story and detail could help with that.

Grammar/Spelling: No offense, but this area could use quite a bit of work. One of the recurring things I saw in your story was the use of apostrophes with plural words- it's actually unnecessary. For example, in this section-

Quote:
So when they got to aqua city it was full of trainer's with water types.
-the apostrophe in the word isn't needed. That implies that the word is short for 'trainer is', which makes no sense in the section in question.

Also, when someone is speaking, please place the speech in quotation marks or differentiate the text somehow. Without one of these options, it makes it quite difficult to read.

There were also a few cases of missing capital letters- they have to be placed at the beginning of each sentence as well as each speaking portion.

I also noticed that in some sentences there was some missing punctuation, for example-

Quote:
"awww man fine then Pichu Quick attack follow up with Thundershock"
This sentence just looks like a huge run-on, to be honest. There needs to be some more punctuation; if you were to read it aloud without stopping, then it would seem rather rushed. I would probably change it to something along the lines of-

Quote:
"Awww, man! Fine then- Pichu, Quick Attack, then follow up with Thundershock!"
In some places, there was incorrect spacing- one space should be used after punctuation, and no spaces before it.

Overall, running the story through a spell checker/grammar checker should help get rid of some of the more basic errors, but reading over the story a few times can always help; spell checkers can be wrong.

Detail: Sorry, but there was next to nothing there. I had no idea what Aqua City looked like, nor the Gym, the Gym Leader, the trainers or where the battle happened. It also would have helped if you described the Pokemon- most of the people on this site know what a Pichu looks like, but if someone doesn't then they'd be utterly lost.

Also, describing attacks helps spice up a battle. If you just said that Pichu used Thunder, then we don't know if it hit or who it hit, which could seriously make it hard to keep up with the story. I advise you to improve on this section in the next story you write.

Battle: When it comes down to it, Pichu only used two attacks, one of which doesn't deal damage. We both know that a Pichu could easily wipe out the Karp, but it doesn't have to be that realistic and linear! The Magikarp in question could be assisted by a Gyarados, or about ten more Magikarp. Also, I can't really see how Pichu was made deaf by a Flail, and how deafness was healed by a Full Heal. I'd try improving on this section too.

Length: About 900 characters short of the minimum.

Magikarp not captured! Sorry, but there wasn't really enough here. Don't give up, though- you have a very good story here, but it needs a little improvement. Notify me when you've edited the story, and I'll be happy to give you a regrade.
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  #5  
Old 03-17-2007, 04:00 PM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Default Re: twist of destiny

can i be re-graded?
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  #6  
Old 03-18-2007, 09:57 AM
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Default Re: twist of destiny

Slightly better than last time in that you put in more description, and it helps the story- however, it's inserted in such a way that it's slightly choppy. Making the story flow can greatly increase your chances of a successful capture.

I also noticed that some grammar errors were left in there, but nothing too major. There's always room for improvement, but I can see that you have done so.

However, this story is inadequate for a Gyarados- going for both a Magikarp and a Gyarados would require a story about ten times the length (possibly more), and a better plot among other things.

Nevertheless, I see that you've improved. Just take out the Gyara capture (perhaps make it faint or flee?) and you'll more than likely have your fish.
__________________

w00t grader!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shady on MSN...
βēŋĵď ™ says:
I hate quotes in sigs...
*INSERT TONS OF ANNOYING SMILEYS AND ANIMATED GIFS HERE OLOLOLOLOL*
Hidden Truths (My current URPG Story)
Dojo the Salamence
Level 100 @ 1570

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  #7  
Old 03-19-2007, 07:09 AM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Posts: 105
Default Re: twist of destiny

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultima Shadow View Post
Slightly better than last time in that you put in more description, and it helps the story- however, it's inserted in such a way that it's slightly choppy. Making the story flow can greatly increase your chances of a successful capture.

I also noticed that some grammar errors were left in there, but nothing too major. There's always room for improvement, but I can see that you have done so.

However, this story is inadequate for a Gyarados- going for both a Magikarp and a Gyarados would require a story about ten times the length (possibly more), and a better plot among other things.

Nevertheless, I see that you've improved. Just take out the Gyara capture (perhaps make it faint or flee?) and you'll more than likely have your fish.

ok iv edited and im sorry for taking bits out and adding new ones
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  #8  
Old 03-20-2007, 08:22 AM
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Default Re: twist of destiny

Don't be sorry, it's your story. You can do whatever you please with it, so long as it follows the rules.

Anyway, I see you've tried to improve. It could use a lot more description, however, and the grammar wasn't the best... but nevertheless, Magikarp captured. Keep in mind that you'll have to improve for your next story should you decide to go for something harder.
__________________

w00t grader!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shady on MSN...
βēŋĵď ™ says:
I hate quotes in sigs...
*INSERT TONS OF ANNOYING SMILEYS AND ANIMATED GIFS HERE OLOLOLOLOL*
Hidden Truths (My current URPG Story)
Dojo the Salamence
Level 100 @ 1570

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  #9  
Old 03-20-2007, 09:32 AM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Posts: 105
Default Re: twist of destiny

first capture yay
could you grade my chronicles for me please its called"pokemon chronicals:adventures of kizi"if you can thanks
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