Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-26-2007, 03:17 PM
Steak's Avatar
Steak Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sneezes profoundly
Posts: 2,434
Send a message via AIM to Steak
Default Tenta not so cool

Introduction....


It was a horrible day at the beach, wind lashing about, humongous waves roaring and crashing. Perfect weather for Steak to train, and maybe find some Pokemon. It was in the middle of winter, so it was pretty cold. The pale gray sky looked woeful. The white sand was lifeless. Well, yeah, sand is lifeless, but don't take that literally. Steak was in his regular clothes, a navy and silver snow cap, a white long-sleeve shirt under a green t-shirt, baggy navy pants, and white tennis shoes. He was 14, a tad bit under average height and weight, and had some dark brown hair poking out of his snow cap.

He had his Feraligatr and Aggron out, who were wrestling. His other Pokemon were at a nearby Pokemon Center, resting and playing. Aggron was giving Feraligatr a noogie when something splashed out and clung to Aggron's head.
__________________
Evolves @ 2456

Last edited by Steak; 03-26-2007 at 11:58 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-26-2007, 04:01 PM
Steak's Avatar
Steak Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sneezes profoundly
Posts: 2,434
Send a message via AIM to Steak
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Chapter 1....

"Graa!" Aggron yelled as the Tentacool wrapped itself around his head.

"What the?! Aggron, slash it off with Metal Claw!"

Aggron slashed at it's own head clumsily, hitting the jellyfish lightly (it was a close hit) and knocked the Pokemon off onto the ground, where it slithered around ominously.

Something else hurled itself out of a particularly big wave at Feraligatr.

Feraligatr had better reflexes, so he quickly reacted and caught the blue bouncing thing. Then he took a quarterback's stance and hurled it at the Tentacool powerfully.

It smacked into the wobbly jellyfish powerfully, so both ambushers were face flat on the ground. The second Pokemon turned out to be an eccentric Azurill.

"Grr...both of you, use Dragon Claw!"

Aggron and Feraligatr both hurled themselves at the two helpless Pokemon and slashed them heavily with claws glowing blue, causing pretty deep cuts.

When they both had turned around, both Tentacool and Azurill got back up and jumped into the water. Azurill never came back, but Tentacool did, this time with a gargantuan wave. Feraligatr withstood most of it with ease, but Aggron took it head on and had trouble getting up. It appeared it had shellshock.

"Damn...Feraligatr, use Rock Slide!" Steak yelled, barely audible with the wind thrashing angrily.

Feraligatr pulled rocks from various places and hurled them all at Tentacool, showering it like hail. Tentacool was trapped under the rocks. Steak noticed that Aggron had managed to get up.

"Feraligatr, Aggron, Brick Break on the pile of rocks!" Steak commanded.

Both Pokemon clenched their fists and slammed into the pile of rocks and boulders, crushing Tentacool even more. The rocks crumpled and fell to the ground as dirty sand.

Tentacool retaliated quickly and hit them both with a Hydro Pump. The attack pushed Feraligatr back a bit, but otherwise didn't seem to be much affected, but Aggron was hurled back a few meters and slammed into the gray sand, causing the sand to fly out of the ground for a few moments. Aggron didn't get up.

"Dammit...return, Aggron!" Steak said, letting Aggron retreat into it's Pokeball. "Feraligatr, hit it with a Surf!"

The big, scaly alligator Pokemon jumped into the water, only its dangerous crimson scales showing above water.

The blue, floppy jellyfish Pokemon did the same, and underwater they focused on the waves. The waves began to grow, and two gigantic tidal waves were hurled at each other from both Pokemon's directions. The waves combined, which wasn't too much of a great thing, because they formed an even more gigantic water tornado. The air became extremely humid and salty.

Sea Pokemon were hurled out, but landed back into the water many, many yards away. Steak saw Pokemon like Magikarp, Horsea, and Staryu fly out, and he even thought he saw a gigantic Gyarados fly angrily from the watery tornado. Feraligatr was hurled out of the tornado, but it's weight kept it from going far. It hit the pale, sandy beach on all fours, not too shaken. Tentacool, on the other hand, was light, and shot out like a cannonball towards a jagged rock area.

"Oh, that's not good," Steak said, pulling out a small, gleaming red-and-white ball. He hurled it with all of the strength at the distant, flailing jellyfish. Much to his relief, it absorbed the Tentacool into it and fell onto a regular sized boulder, where it shook once, and a second shake....
__________________
Evolves @ 2456

Last edited by Steak; 03-27-2007 at 01:21 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-26-2007, 11:50 PM
FireflyK's Avatar
FireflyK Offline
Five by Five
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Under your bed
Posts: 4,290
Send a message via AIM to FireflyK
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Introduction: You set the scene nicely, and also began some sort of plot. This part was good.

Plot: For a Tentacool, this was a sufficient plot. ^_^ It wasn't very long, but it was certainly an interesting way to find the Pokemon, though I'm sure Aggron wasn't amused.

Details&Length: Both of these were a bit lacking. For a Simple pokemon, I tend to try to go a little easy on these. However, at the moment, you have about 3,300... Which isn't really close to 5,000. ^^; Try to get it to 4,000 or so at the least, please.



Grammar: This section was okay. You had a few mistakes, though.

The big, scaly alligator Pokemon jumped into the water, only it's dangerous red, pointed scales showing above water.

That it's should be its. Normally, a ' shows possesion. For the word it, however, it's different. It's means it is. Its is the possesive form, which is used to show ownership.


Battle: This could really use some more details. Aggron's attempt to get the Pokemon off, and how badly it hit Tentacool when it knocked it off, might be something you could consider adding. Also, try to use transitions. You go from Aggron attacking Tentacool, to another thing suddenly bouncing from the water. Try to add some description- Did it leap from the waves, or was it a bit more sneaky? Did Feraligator suspect another attacker, or did it just happen to be watching the ocean instead of Aggron, even though Aggron had just shouted in surprise after Tentacool attacked it?

Try to remember to include sensory details. Colors, shadows, and specific injuries can make a battle easier to visualize. The setting could be enhanced with smell descriptions. After all, ocean water has a salty, distinct scent. Especially if there are fish about. Remember, if you need length, you can try adding thoughts for people and Pokemon, also.

Overall: Tentacool not captured. You were very close, but this story needs a little bit more length, some more battle details, and perhaps a few more regular details. I liked the plot idea a lot (Hehe, the poor Aggron!), as well as how it was written, so I was on the edge with this one, but I'd really like to see a bit more description and length.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-27-2007, 01:00 AM
Steak's Avatar
Steak Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sneezes profoundly
Posts: 2,434
Send a message via AIM to Steak
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Bleh, now I'm definitely not getting you anything.
-will edit-
:P
__________________
Evolves @ 2456
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-27-2007, 01:02 AM
FireflyK's Avatar
FireflyK Offline
Five by Five
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Under your bed
Posts: 4,290
Send a message via AIM to FireflyK
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Hehe, sorry. ^^; It's close... But you just needed a bit more.
:P If it makes you feel any better, I just got failed on a story, too.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-27-2007, 01:21 PM
Steak's Avatar
Steak Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sneezes profoundly
Posts: 2,434
Send a message via AIM to Steak
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Okay, I edited it.
Probably still a little skimpy on the length, though.
Regrade, please. :O
__________________
Evolves @ 2456
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-28-2007, 01:00 AM
FireflyK's Avatar
FireflyK Offline
Five by Five
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Under your bed
Posts: 4,290
Send a message via AIM to FireflyK
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Much better. Tentacool Captured.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-28-2007, 04:07 AM
Steak's Avatar
Steak Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sneezes profoundly
Posts: 2,434
Send a message via AIM to Steak
Default Re: Tenta not so cool

Chapter 2....


Steak walked over to the Pokeball, which had stopped shaking. He knew of a friend that wanted a so he went to the Pokemon Center.

After going in, he gave his Aggron's and Feraligatr's Pokeballs to the nurse. She smiled and put them on a machine, which made the red and white balls glow accompanied by a feeble humming sound. Then humming stopped, as did the glowing. She picked up the devices holding the Pokemon and handed them back to Steak. "Your Pokemon have been fully healed," Nurse Joy said blissfully, the same smile on her face.

"Right, thanks," Steak said. "And if you see anyone named Ridley, this is for him," he said, handing her Tentacool's Pokeball.

"Thank you...come again!" She called after him as he started to leave.

"Oh, wait," Steak said. He'd just remembered he'd left his Pokemon in here. He picked up Ampharos, Gyarados, Swalot, and Beautifly before actually leaving.

"Well, that tornado's gone," Steak said. But there was a weird feeling going around in the air. It felt like someone was watching you, as if they were right behind you....

Steak whirled around briskly. There was no one...or nothing there. "Sheesh, I'm getting paranoid," Steak said, sighing heavily and continuing down the empty, deserted street, the light rain making every drop of water sadly thump against the pale blue pavement.
__________________
Evolves @ 2456
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:41 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com