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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-16-2010, 06:13 AM
luke39's Avatar
luke39 Offline
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Default A New Start To The Big World! Ready For Grading!

OOC: Haven't Wrote a story in ages. Just decided to try to see how much I need to improve. This i my first Chapter & continuous story. New Pokemon in next story if I pass this.

A New Start To The Big World!

Pokemon Trying to be caught: Slakoth
Category: Simple
Characters with spaces: 6,425
Characters without spaces: 7,976

Chapter 1: A New Start

“Samuel, wake up you’re going to be late” said Mum. I woke up sleepy and saw the time on my watch; it was 2 minutes before I had to be at Professor Daniel’s lab. I ran to the closet and grabbed a blue pair of jeans, a red shirt and my favourite cap with a rock on it, the rock represented the heart and soul. I quickly changed and ran down stairs and said goodbye to Mum. I sprinted out of the house and looked at my watch again and it was 9:01, I was late by a minute. I sprinted to the lab, running as fast as I could and when I arrived I opened the blue holo door and walked in. Prof. Daniels greeted me and there was a kid right next to the Prof. I wondered who he was so I introduced myself to the pair by saying

“Hi my name is Samuel but you can call me Sam, I’m 13 I love playing video games and doing sports like soccer”

As I said that Prof. Daniels put his handout and said

“Nice to meet you Sam, as you can see next to me this is my Assistant Jason, Jason has been working with me for almost 2 years now and he has been collecting data about different pokemon all around the world he has been going very well, he has always wanted a partner because he has had no friends.”

I felt sad for the poor guy. As the Prof. said

“As you can see on the table over to my left there is 3 pokeballs, I cannot tell you what is inside but I can tell you they have been collected from special places, you may go pick one of the balls of the table now”

I was so excited, I walked over to the table and wondered which to pick? It was a hard decision but finally I thought that the middle one would be good. As I picked the ball up from the table the Prof. said

“Sam press that little button on the middle of the pokeball.”

I did as the Prof instructed and pressed the little button, then out of the red and white pokeball there was a glairy red lasery light that shaped into a pokemon. The Prof, then told me

“That pokemon is Riolu a Fighting type Aura pokemon.”

I was so happy it was a fighting type, but I also knew from studying at Pokemon School what Aura is. Then Prof. Daniels gave me a red and blue calculator looking thing, he told me that it was the Pokedex, An information storing device. He handed one to me and then Jason asked me and the Prof. If he could go with me on a pokemon journey, the Prof. nodded in agreement and said goodbye to us and good luck on you’re journeys.

Chapter 2: Team Galaxy?

We walked out the holo blue door and set off on our journey to become pokemon masters, except Jason wanted to be the Champion and would try to stop me from trying to become it. I was had full knowledge that he would beat me to the league and become the Champion, but I thought if I take good loving car and respect or my mons they will co operate better. So we started down a road and saw a signpost saying

“Beyond this point you aren’t allowed to enter unless you have a pokemon, there are dangerous pokemon on this route, pass and your life may be in danger”

Jason & I knew that we both had pokemon because I had Riolu and Jason had Machop, so we kept on going and saw a lot of oak trees and the grass was greener than in town, we kept on walking wanting to get to the next town, then suddenly out of no where came a man in a dark black suit with a leather mask on, he said to us

“Get on the ground and give me your pokemon”

I obviously thought this guy was a robber trying to get more pokemon, so Riolu was already by my side and Machop was on Jason’s and the robber had a Poocheyena. So I said to Riolu

“Riolu use Quick Attack”

And as soon as I said that Riolu quickly responded and started running at a very high speed, then on the ground was a rock and Riolu was going to fast to be able to see the rock, then he tripped over the rock and started rolling straight at the robber then fell down in front of Poocheyena. Jason quickly responded and told Machop

“Machop use Karate Chop”

And as soon as that happened Machop responded and started running, then its hand started to harden glowing a bit yellow. Then when Machop was next to Poocheyena it unleashed its fury and attack Poocheyena with a chop from above the head. Riolu & Machop protected each other. Both Riolu and Machop had connected and became friends easily like Jason and I did. I then yelled out to Riolu,

“Riolu use Force Palm”

Riolu quickly responded and its hand glowed an eerie red then Riolu hit Poocheyena with its hand. Poocheyena started howling and tried to use Crunch on Riolu, but just in time Machop used Low Kick and its foot came smashing down at Poocheyena. Poocheyena quickly bounced back and attacked Riolu with its paw trying to use Sucker Punch, it hit and caused not so hurtful damage but it was a good move by Poocheyena. Then the robber grabbed his pokeball of his dark shorts and threw it at Poocheyena. Poocheyena got sucked in to the ball with a laser red light, but the robber then grabbed a net looking thing out of his pocket and threw it at Machop and Riolu. It trapped them then out of the trees came a hot air balloon that had a big G on the middle and picked up the net.

I reacted as quickly as I could and ran over a stone, I picked it up quickly and dragged my arm back and pelted the rock at the hot air balloon, it missed. Then Jason picked up a rock and threw it at the hot air balloon, he missed to. So we both picked up rocks as we saw it drifting away, and ran after it. Then we pulled both out arms back and threw the rocks in one action we both threw the rocks at the hot air balloon. They both hit, the balloon had two very small holes and the air started coming out as the big round balloon shape deflated and landed in a tree. Team Galaxy must have jumped out? We both ran over to the tree the balloon had landed and saw Riolu & Machop on the top of the tree hurt.

Then out of the tree a Slakoth lowered it self down with Riolu & Machop. It let them go so we could take care of them. I thought that it would have tried to attack them for making a sound, but luckily it didn’t. Riolu raised a lot faster than Machop and it was still saw as it saw Slakoth, it wondered what it was doing here. Machop then rose and was hurt like Riolu, I liked that Slakoth I wanted to capture it so it could be a good pokemon to my team. Then out of nowhere a man with a Pistol jumped out of a bush and pointed his Pistol at Jason and I. We were scared and we did nothing, the man with the Pistol grabbed the Slakoth and commented

“Finally the first Slakoth in this forest. This will do well for the boss!”

I wondered was he apart of Team Galaxy as we watched him walk away with Slakoth, he turned around and while that happened I quickly told Riolu to run up behind him and try using Focus Punch. Riolu gained a lot of energy and its fist started glowing a light blue colour and then Riolu released its hand onto the robber’s leg. We watched the robber drop Slakoth and then Machop quickly rant and protected Slakoth. The robber started running away, we let him but next time there would be a lot more hurting involved. Slakoth started scratching Machop as if to say “leave me alone” I wanted to capture this Slakoth, so I tried focusing and trying to use Aura to send a bit of a message to Riolu and it seemed to respond and used Ice Punch. It was an idea I wondered if it would work?

Riolu started running at Slakoth as Machop moved out of the way as Riolu’s hand glowed an Icy Blue colour as it ran up and attacked Slakoth, Slakoth started freezing over all except its arm. So I decided to try throwing a ball at Slakoth’s arm, I grabbed a orange looking ball out of my pocket and drew my arm back and released it as it spun around in circles flying at Slakoth. Slakoth started defrosting, its head was out and it’s other arm as the ball neared Slakoth.

I waited anxiously.

If no capture = Slakoth is unfrozen
If Capture = Slakoth is Captured
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Stats

Mighteyena
Obtained:294
Hatch @ 309
Evolve @ 348
Lv 100 @ 594
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  #2  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:33 AM
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Shana2488 Offline
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Default Re: A New Start To The Big World! Ready For Grading!

Introduction/Plot: There was hardly an introduction at all for Sam through the entire story other than his name. As for plot, it is extremely basic. Since the Pokemon is a Simple-level Pokemon, it's not necessary for you to do anything above standard, but if you plan on writing for harder Pokemon, I would suggest adding more than just "trainer gets starter, trainer goes out into the woods, trainer catches Pokemon" sort of plot. Just a recommendation, also: don't follow the storyline of Ash Ketchum and his Pikachu; that plot is far too bland. Add something new to Sam's adventures like war or economic crashes. Use your imagination. Try getting plots from movies like "Fanboys" or something epic like "Die Hard".

Dialogue/Description: You descriptions were severely lacking and your dialogue was, in a word, flavorless. Bump descriptions up about three knots: describe the environment, the Pokemon, the people, the attacks. As for dialogue, don't just say something weak like "I'm Sam, I like this and that." Try giving your character some life: accents, attitude, a tone in his voice. An example would be, "The name's Sam. What's up, 'Fessor?" Give Professor Daniels something such as a speech impediment: maybe he says "Wonald" instead of "Ronald" or "Thith" instead of "This". Play with your characters and dialogue through various scenes of meaningless conversation. You'd be surprised how well that can develop them.

Grammar: This was fairly decent. You need to watch your run-on sentences and add periods instead of commas in certain areas.

Quote:
“Nice to meet you Sam, as you can see next to me this is my Assistant Jason, Jason has been working with me for almost 2 years now and he has been collecting data about different pokemon all around the world he has been going very well, he has always wanted a partner because he has had no friends.”
There should be periods in several places to split up the paragraph. Keep in mind that a sentence is a complete thought. Once you finish that thought, end the sentence with a period.

Quote:
“Nice to meet you Sam. As you can see next to me, this is my assistant, Jason. Jason has been working with me for almost 2 years now and he has been collecting data about different pokemon all around the world. He has been going very well and he has always wanted a partner because he has had no friends.”
That's a correct way to do it.

Battle: The battle was so-so. You just need to work on descriptions more and try to use the environment around you. If there's a tar pit in the middle of a jungle, it could greatly turn the tide of battle for better or worse. Describe your battlefield, slide on in to the scene where a battle ignites, and elaborate on the battle itself.

Length: 7K. Pretty good! More than enough.

Outcome: This time, Slakoth captured. HOWEVER, be sure to try harder. Don't be so bland and simple. Don't rush the story like you did this one. Never ever ever write a story in 10 - 20 minutes, I don't care how simple the 'Mon is to capture. Write out a rough draft (something like this), take a break, then go back to it later on and read through it. Maybe something could be described better? Perhaps a character could be added in or an event could be taken out and replaced with something crucial? Also, a grammar and spell checker is a great friend as is a Thesaurus. My best recommendation: read other people's stories to get a good idea of how they write even if it's the same plot as yours. Their trainer might be a lot different from yours because they have added a personality quirk to him/her that you haven't thought of.
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