Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #16  
Old 07-08-2012, 02:22 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Username: Grassy_Aggron
Team Name: Guardian Units of Nations
Entry Title: Dusk Delusions
Entry Link: Thankfully it didn't get torched :D
Symbolism/Other Themes:
Spoiler:
OH LORD where do I begin?

Okay, well, it's a poem within a poem. You can read them separately or together (which I highly recommend doing both), but note how the secondary one - which would be eight lines - fits in with the first in placement - clarity might seem a bit out of place, but the four sentences before it are just beginning to get out of said confusion, and it isn't complete confusion just occasionally. As for agony - soul coping, eh? Also note how the title is represented in the secondary poem at the beginning and end.

As for the main poem, note the ending words of the first paragraph and the second. Reversed!

It all has to do with the shadows cast by the light of any fire, but this poem also is suggested to be told as a story, hence the ending. A tale told by the rancher holding the torch, creating the nightmare the kids see - or is it a tale told by someone else? ;D Shadows warp into creatures with the flickering of fire and the combination of fear and sleep deprivation.

As for the secondary, lesser poem, which corresponds to the first poem as well, it talks about how there is always death and darkness, but you can't fall into the insanity of the illusions around you caused by it :D It isn't the only thing there. There is happiness, life, everything...Not just the pain of death, loss, and insanity that a flickering shadow can cast on us.

The lines involving black, sack, tack, and rack...Falling into darkness, it's considered evil, surrounded in mystery and shoved away to never talk of again. That's the only part that might be very confusing.

As for bees? Imagine a swarm of nightmares coming at you. Seriously. And bees are very fear inducing. Plus it sets up nicely for the "sting" in the next paragraph. And I don't know about you, but when I think of spooky tales with torches, I think of a ranch. XD "Rustic" is like, it's the old days when torches were often used over lamps, and there was a LOT more to be afraid of in the dark...


AND YES. It's torchlight. It focuses on the shadows created by the torch's light :D



Just remember, what I see in my poem might - and probably will - be entirely different from what you see. The above is how I interpreted this poem as I wrote it. ^^'
__________________

Last edited by Grassy_Aggron; 07-08-2012 at 03:48 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-08-2012, 03:29 AM
Enkaku_Kumori's Avatar
Enkaku_Kumori Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Falling off the edge of the world.
Posts: 1,336
Send a message via Skype™ to Enkaku_Kumori
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 1 Judged)

Username; Enkaku_Kumori
Team Name; Eggman Empire
Entry Title; Faces of the Moon
Entry Link; Faces of the Moon
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
Hmm, nothing much. Just a bunch of moon metaphors that I shove down your throat so I hard think I need to explain them xDD
__________________
Guy 1: I wasn't that drunk
Guy 2: Dude, you were in my fireplace yelling "Diagon Alley"

█████░░░
█████░░░
▁▁▁▁▁▁░
C/ ▪ |▪|░✧░
██ ◡’ノ░░░
███v█░░░
███ █░░░ This comment reminds me of a puzzle...
----
Dear Edward Cullen,
You sneak into little girls' rooms and you live forever.
How original.
-Peter Pan
----
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-09-2012, 05:51 PM
Sight of the Stars's Avatar
Sight of the Stars Offline
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Top of Mt. Everest. -shivers- Cold.
Posts: 4,043
Send a message via AIM to Sight of the Stars Send a message via Skype™ to Sight of the Stars
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 2 Theme Announced (Week 2 Being Judged)

My apologies for the wait. I'm about halfway or so through judging, the results will be up sometime today.

-cough- Was going to get the judging finished last night but a certain clutch of members from GUN distracted me with the Dream World on Skype. :I

For now, the theme for this week is:

THE POKEMON YOU ABSOLUTELY HATE.
It is a Pokemon forum, so I'm going to throw in at least one strictly Pokemon theme. Write about the Pokemon you hate, whether it be a narrative essay on why, a poem, or a story centered around one, etc!
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Sight of the Stars; 07-09-2012 at 05:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-10-2012, 03:15 AM
Sight of the Stars's Avatar
Sight of the Stars Offline
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Top of Mt. Everest. -shivers- Cold.
Posts: 4,043
Send a message via AIM to Sight of the Stars Send a message via Skype™ to Sight of the Stars
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Being Judged)

JUDGING—
A score of 60 can be earned. Those with the highest score will win this week’s points. In a short story/fanfiction, each section is worth 1/3rd of your score. With poetry and songs, however, grammar and spelling is only worth 10 points, as many poets/lyricists sacrifice grammar-correct syntax for flow. Because of this, flow is worth 30 points instead of 20 for these media types. With each piece there will also be a critique to help you know what you did best and what you could improve on. Thank you for entering, good luck. <3

P.S. No I did not just copy and paste the above paragraph... I swear I totally didn't. /shot





[WHILE YOU WERE GONE] by [WINTER] of [THE EGGMAN EMPIRE]


CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I do have to say that the night after I gave the theme for torchlight, I started thinking about what kind of story ideas I would get. Some of the first things that popped into my mind were horror stories of dark caves hiding creatures darting between shadows, appearing only in torchlight to bring your death. So when I clicked on your entry and began to read, I was very pleased that I wouldn't have to go through such experiences. You made the relation to the theme clear in the beginning, and gave gentle reminders all of the way through. I was strangely excited by the fact that it wasn't just based around the torch itself, and that it was only an object. I found my own symbolism in it, as we all do with different writing--it almost seemed like the torch may have somewhat represented her disdain for Davis, as by the end it was dimming and dying out. That's probably just me. Anyway, I find this tale very refreshing and its theme is quite true. I enjoyed reading it and found it charming. It made me reconsider some of the ways that I've treated those that I know and have disliked for a long while for elementary grudges. But then I came to the conclusion that yes, he still actually is a douchebag, and it's not like I'd really want him as a friend anyway, and certainly as nothing more. To me, that's an important quality in writing--it makes you think about your own life and what you can learn from it.

Also, I absolutely love the fact how you made it Pallet Town. I wasn't expecting it at the slightest. You introduced it smoothly and swiftly and I was very much pleased by the idea. I wouldn't have ever thought of any of this, despite how much I love tiki torches. XD
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

I was amused by the altered spelling of her name. c: Nice. <3

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Ah, just as I expected from a wonderful RPer--very few mistakes.
Spoiler:
Quote:
I snapped, and when Kelly opened her mouth, I added “I’m serious."
Minor error, just need a comma after 'added'.

Quote:
Faces that were once familiar now bore features I didn’t recognize and left me wondering who I was talking to most of the time, those who had been young when I last saw them had grown taller, grown out or cut their hair.
If I'm not misunderstood, instead of a comma after time, it should be a semicolon, a period, or a conjunction after 'time', maybe 'and' or 'as'.

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 18 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
You did quite well on this, except for a stumble here and there.
Spoiler:
Quote:
“You ask me to dance and then stand there? Do I have to do everything myself? Your hands go here and here,” I said, stepping even closer and taking one of his hands in my own, then grabbing the other to move it to my side. “Now don’t step on my feet, okay? And watch them—mirror them, do what they do.”
I feel strongly that this should have been broken down to another paragraph. It would have reduced it to a less daunting sort of wall of text (though it is a small, gentle wall, nothing too big <3 ), and would have flowed better.

Quote:
"Stop standing there gawking, Ri-ri. Get out there and have fun!"
I think that there should be a paragraph break here. If it had started out with Aiden speaking as the first words of the paragraph, it could have been kept, but I believe it should start a new paragraph, even if it is related slightly by the slap on Riika's back.

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Creativity and mood.
--You set the mood wonderfully in this thought-invoking piece. As I mentioned before, it was very refreshing and a beauty to read. I thought it was going to be just a regular, non-Pokemon-based story, but you tied Pokemon into it and did it wonderfully! It modernized the first town of Pokemon, Pallet Town, into something you could still love like you did the moment you turned on Red/Blue/Green/Yellow/FireRed/LeafGreen for the first time and started a new game!
BETTER; Backstory.
--One thing I would suggest that would have made this story more nostalgic and wonderful was maybe throwing in some brief flashbacks of childhood memories, and possibly even one or two that shows how she was treated by Davis and explains her disdain more thoroughly. Just a few interjected paragraphs in italics or in a different shade of black (as in a dark grey or something of the like) relating to different memories of the beach and what she's looking at and how things changed.

My calculator has spat out the number 56/60.
Impeccable job, thank you so much for entering! I'll definitely put that story on my subscriptions list just so I can go back and read it again sometime. <3






CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I found it very interesting that you related two things that are considered 'enemies' (trees and fire) with a very common, well-known fact--the sun is the source of life, and it is, indeed, a burning ball of fire. It sort of reminded me of exploding trees. You know, like how in the winter the sap in trees freezes and then expands and then makes trees explode and it sounds like gunshots. XD Except it didn't really remind me of that, I just now remembered that fun fact. :P Anyway, you have a way with poetry ideas and executing them wonderfully. You all are pleasantly surprising me with ideas I never thought of myself or ever expected!
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Congrats, your entry is void of errors... almost! I found a single error, and that's what kept you from getting a perfect score in this category.
Spoiler:
Quote:
But a strength linger still, a sparking name
Should be 'lingers'.

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 8 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
Sabi, let me tell you I'm quite proud of you. This is no longer the Achilles Heel of your piece. You actually did well this week in this category, and I found very few parts where it stumbles, and when it does, it only does so it's only minor.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 28 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Word choice/usage and description.
--Sabi, let me tell you: you're amazing at using words. You manage to express things so short and simply and yet so thoroughly, and it leaves me reeling more often than not. You paint such a clear picture with so little words, and it is very admirable! <3
BETTER; I'm not sure what to put here because I can't find anything you could do better except for correcting minor flow errors. :x
--Maybe reread a bit to pick up on errors? Dunno. o___o XDDD

My calculator has spat out the number 56/60.
Crap, we've already got a tie for first. Excellent job, Sabi! <33





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Agh, I stopped keeping up with the Rangers games after... well, the first one, so sadly I have no idea what this story is based upon or how you expanded upon it. I also am not sure what to think of it or the impact that it leaves. It's really frustrating for me because it seems like a wonderful story and I want to understand it, I really do, but I just can't relate to it in relation to the games, and I can't seem to find anything on this said premise. So I'll have to judge it as if it weren't based off of it.
This was, honestly, leaning a lot closer to what I expected from this theme than most; something heinous is going on, and the torchlight/fire has something to do with it, or is leading the way to the mischief. You've got a child prodigy being stolen and someone attempting to use them for evil, and then you've got a small minority trying to stop and expose them, which certainly isn't too unheard of. I guess I've just never been a fan of such stories when it's made so clear and stated as such? Dialga was a nice, unexpected turn, though, so kudos for that.
I award you with 15 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
An error here and there on this one...
Spoiler:
Quote:
Jirelm and Enik shielded their ears from the intensity of the word, but to no use.
I think it's supposed to be 'words', since it was no single word that was spoken and instead a lot of words. :P

Quote:
“Summer?” the girl tasted it, considering its flavor.
I think that 'the' should be 'The', considering it's not really... how do I explain it? It's not really generally considered a sort of speaking verb. Something just doesn't seem right about it.

Quote:
Come save me, please!she begged.
Missing a space~

Quote:
Brown sandals shod her feet, with long straps spidering up her little legs.
I get what you're trying to say, but is spidering a word? Not sure, but I don't think it is. o__O Try 'trailing' or 'lacing'.

Quote:
The light faded, and a chocking silence fell upon the temple.
Should be 'choking', I believe.

Also, the title on the main page should be 'Roar Through Time', not 'Roar through Time'. :c

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 13 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
The events hop from one to the other quite nicely, though the switch to the beach was a tad bit confusing. Maybe you could have put some sort of interjection at the beginning of the setting describing how she appeared, whether she's unconscious or not, and maybe have a brief moment with Dialga taking one last look at her before disappearing or something.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar and description.
--You painted a wonderful, vivid description of most of the aspects of the story wonderfully, and you used clever wording to do so. As every piece of the image fell in place, I found myself recognizing different things, such as the Dialga and the Charizard and such. Wonderful job!
BETTER; Explanation.
--Not all of us have played the game, and that was a major thing that kept me from enjoying this piece. Maybe you should have put a bit more of a detailed explanation of the premise in which the game was set upon in the beginning, either mixing it into the story itself or simply as an author's note. It would have helped a lot!

My calculator has spat out the number 46/60.
As aforementioned, a more detailed explanation would have helped me understand and enjoy the story much more. <3
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-10-2012, 03:16 AM
Sight of the Stars's Avatar
Sight of the Stars Offline
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Top of Mt. Everest. -shivers- Cold.
Posts: 4,043
Send a message via AIM to Sight of the Stars Send a message via Skype™ to Sight of the Stars
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Being Judged)




CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
It was a very interesting idea. I would have liked to see a tad bit more of relation to the story, or a stronger establishment of it, but otherwise that's alright. I can tell that there was a good amount of thought put into it, and you mixed the first description of why nobody suspected him quite well. The thing that made this a bit expected, though (in case you couldn't tell by the .gif), is the fact that I am an avid fan of Assassin's Creed. Thus, as I have played and heard a similar story line for 4 games, and soon to 5, and have reread fiction involving it countless times, it no longer holds much weight for me. I also would have suggested a possibly more unique title, something other than such a common phrase such as 'changing history'. Maybe 'The Changeling' or something of the like?

I find it ironic that you labeled it 16+ when I'm only 14. XDD
I award you with 13 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I found some errors here...
Spoiler:
Quote:
I surveyed my surroundings, only certain torches had been lit up within the room...
It should be a semicolon rather than a comma.

Quote:
"The torchlight would lead me to my objective, then I would have to do the rest."
Needs to be 'and then' or something of the like, since 'I would have to do the rest' is an independent clause.

Quote:
I surveyed the area before me – flamed flickered...
Two errors here. The dash should be a colon, and 'flamed' should be 'flame'.

Quote:
I had no time to attempt picking the lock. Soon enough it broke free and I pried the door open – I was sickened by the sight.
Should be something along the lines of 'open, only to be sickened by the sight before me.'

Quote:
All but us were blind to see his true nature.
Should be 'all but we'.

Quote:
My action tonight has changed history...
I understand the impact and what you're trying to do here, but try to keep your tenses constant. Should be 'My action that night had changed history' and if you wanted to make it clear that the consequences had yet to be seen it should be followed up with something like '...history. Though whether for better or for worse had yet to be foretold, the fact that I had altered the course of our country was certain.'

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 12 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
Okay, so I'll have to dock some points from you here too...

Spoiler:
Quote:
The moon, arched in a 'C'-like position...
The word you are looking for is 'crescent'...

Quote:
Three knights came upon me (for they were guarding their King)...
This could have been made better by making it 'Three knights came upon me, eager to guard their King'.

Quote:
...I launched my knife into his left eye – the mixture of a jelly-like substance and blood quickly seeping out and covering his agonised face – he fell to the floor with a squeal...
The thing about this is that not only is it very awkward, but it also doesn't fit. Normally when you use dashes to separate something (you're technically supposed to use em dashes without spaces between them instead of hyphens...), you can take out the extra part you put between them and the sentence left would still be complete, as it is only a modifying clause. However, that's not the case here. There are probably a lot of others like this, but this is the only one I picked up on more. If you take out the description, you get 'I launched my knife into his left eye he fell to the floor with a squeal'. I would suggest 'and he fell to the floor...' instead.

Quote:
...had grabbed hold of the King, a small dagger which I had pulled from my boot just before I grabbed hold of him...
Redundant/repetitive, try wording the latter part better.

Quote:
...pleading and quivering like a Fool when found unamusing...
I understand what you're trying to say--a jester performing from the king. You might want to use 'jester' instead, because at first I thought 'Fool' was a mistake until I realized what you meant.

Quote:
All else I could see was a well-kept, neatly furnished room which smelled of lavender – fancy furniture filling the empty spaces.
I would suggest '...neatly furnished room that smelled of lavender and filled with fancy furniture.'

Quote:
...throat. He gargled as the blood shot from his throat.
Repetitive, try 'he gargled as the blood shot from his neck', or since I think you used it previously, try 'jugular' for the first, as that's the vital vein.

Quote:
...sword raised high. I ducked away, the sword...
Also repetitive, try 'blade' or 'sharpened steel'.

Quote:
...glass ahead. Launching myself forward, the glass shattered and I fell down...
Glass is also repetitive. Try 'I launched myself forward, the transparent shards glittering under the shine of the moon's luminescence as they gave in to the weight of my form. I fell down...' or something of the like~

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 10 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Description and execution.
--You described things pretty well and despite Changing History's flaws, you executed it quite nicely.
BETTER; Vocabulary and Hyphens/Em Dashes
--Don't be afraid to tenderly use a thesaurus every once in a while (note the 'tenderly'; don't be too extravagant) if you can't think of a different adjective or noun to use. ^_^ Okay, now onto what kept this from being an enjoyable read most of all: the dashes. Too many, bro. I'm sorry, but there were too many. The occasional use is perfectly alright, but I counted about 27 times just by browsing through, and in a story 300 words short of a length of 2k, it's just too much. DD': Try to make a conscious effort to cut down on them.

My calculator has spat out the number 35/60.
Your Achilles Heel was the em dashes, bud. Sorry. I love your writing and I know your talented, but that took out the enjoyment for me. Still love yuh, though! <33[/RIGHT]





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
A very interesting entry, I do have to admit. It was something along the lines of what I expected, but then again, not expected at all. It only turned into a massive brain-melting session after I read the spoiler tags. @___@ The poemception was very clever, though! I didn't expect for anything involving the shadows cast by torchlight to be in poem form--I was expected horror-themed short stories, but you surprised me.
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
This entry seems to be void of errors! Congrats! <3
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 10 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
This poem flowed very nicely. Rhyme always helps flow along nicely! Anyway, Dusk Delusions fit to a steady rhythm in my head quite well, with the exception of a few parts.

Spoiler:
Quote:
It shifts and turns, changing shape
Forming into monsters of evil and wit
Story playing out like a ripped up tape
Terror throwing sanity into a fit
The sudden change in rhyming pattern made me go back and say 'wait, what?'. After you get into the habit of a constant pattern, it sort of throws you off once you change it. I understand that constantly rhyming every single line is a challenge, but I think that it could have been bandaged by switching it to an AA,BB pattern, and possibly if you still wanted to do and AB,AB you could have done it in the next stanza, as it would be a more gradual change. It is not as bade when it comes to the next stanza you do this in ('Just as darkness seems to win...') because the rhymes still share similar vowel/consonant sounds and the 'd's are gentle.

Quote:
So this tale ends with insight
One syllable too long for my mind's liking. It probably would have been alright if it weren't for the sharp sounds of the rest of the line and rolled off of the tongue easier. The roughness of the 't' in 'tale' throws it off for me.

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 26 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Blowing minds.
--I've expressed this to you enough. XD I was perfectly fine until I got to the spoilers and then my mind melted. I might have exaggerated the severity of this for your amusement, but it was still pretty trippy. c:
BETTER; ...
--Also not sure what to put here. XD I guess get a second opinion and tell them to pay special attention to the flow?

My calculator has spat out the number 56/60.
You did wonderfully. <3 DAMN YOU PEOPLE FOR TYINGGGG. D:<







CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Wow, a historical fiction piece! Another thing that I did not expect! It was a very interesting piece and I most certainly enjoyed reading it! I loved the discussion of the moon, as well. You made the presence of torches and thus the relation of the theme obvious in your first paragraph, and showed its importance in the story. Without it, it would open them to an ambush, but with its shadows being so wildly cast abound, Armand is twitchy and nervous. I was very pleased with the little details you threw in, such as the presence of the animals being comforting and such. The end slightly reminded me of the beginning of Assassin's Creed II and made me a bit sad, but made it a bit more pleasant than me as it was one of the more emotionally affecting parts of the game. <3
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
You do have a couple of errors, but they are very minor and I was extremely pleased with that fact.
Spoiler:
Quote:
The moon above managed to give a vague outline of the trees and road that were not lit but the torchlight...
Should be 'lit by the torchlight'.

Quote:
...since his sickness had been bothering him lately.
Should be 'has been', as putting 'had' contradicts with 'lately'...

Quote:
...sound of their harnesses and swords and gears clanking off into the distance...
I think you mean 'and gear', because I cannot even begin to fathom why the hussars would have gears n them. XDD

Quote:
Lukas quipped, biting on the stem of his stop to stop his laughter at Hans swatted at him playfully.
Should be 'as Hans swatted at him playfully'.

Since most of these are simply one-letter errors and are very easy on the eye, I think it is only fair to take off less points.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 18 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
I can't seem to find any complications in flow at all. Each event trickles from one to the next, and all of your wonderful, gentle similes and metaphors help that along very well. You did this piece very well, and I am very proud. <33
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 20 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Flow and just pretty much everything.
--This was a wonderful read and yet another entry that I enjoyed greatly. <3 This was a wonderful way to end judging for this week, with another refreshing piece.
BETTER; I can't say proofread here...
--...because they were such little errors that I had to double check to make sure I wasn't imagining them.

My calculator has spat out the number 58/60.
-clings to- This was a glorious piece. I beg you to come back next week, purty please. c:




SUMMARY OF RESULTS:
The tWO points awarded for first place goes to:
Enkaku_Kumori of The Eggman Empire, with her wonderful, gentle piece, Faces of the Moon.

-WE HAVE A THREE-WAY TIE FOR 2ND PLACE, HOW WONDERFUL. XDD--

The one point awarded for our first second place goes to:
Winter of The Eggman Empire, with her refreshing, thought-invoking short story, While You Were Gone.

The one point awarded for our second second place goes to:
Saraibre Ryu of G.U.N., returning this week with another wonderful poem exploiting similar roots between two opposite items, Burst of Soul.

The one point awarded for our third second place goes to:
Grassy Aggron of G.U.N., for her potentially mind-blowing work (DON'T LOOK AT THE SPOILER TAGSSSS), Dusk Delusions.


Because of the lack of one point being given this week, we have the potential to give 1 extra point next week! ^_^
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 07-13-2012, 07:32 PM
Saraibre Ryu's Avatar
Saraibre Ryu Offline
Drasconis Deviantus
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Voids of my mind
Posts: 6,530
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

Username; SABI
Team Name; GUN
Entry Title; The One I Hate
Entry Link; Here ya go
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
I wrote this out as a fun poem explaining my first and second encounter with the Pokemon I hate. This would be Sigilyph, and the quote 'Sigilyph'd' is a refference to being 'rick rolled' hence why it is in italics and has an ''d'. I went to have more fun with this because, I hate this thing. I really do. When I'm making fun of something in obvious rhyme...you know I hate it. A lot. I also threw in Pokemon I knew some people hated in the begginning as well.
__________________
Code:
VPP STATS Paired with: Sandstorm Lavastone <3 Neon the Jolteon Level100: 6576
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-14-2012, 09:04 PM
Charmander009's Avatar
Charmander009 Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Celestia Region
Posts: 3,006
Send a message via AIM to Charmander009
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

Username; Charmander009
Team Name; The Eggman Empire
Entry Title; An Afternoon Tea Party
Entry Link; Hyperlink, activate!
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
There's no Pokemon that I hate, per say, but I do have to say that I found Cynthia's Garchomp to be quite... evil... in my first play through of Pearl. Thus, I took great pleasure in torturing her in this short >:3 Please note that any grammatical errors made in the little girl's speech are totally intentional.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-15-2012, 04:01 AM
Grassy_Aggron's Avatar
Grassy_Aggron Offline
Nutjob Personified
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I...I don't know! WHERE DO I LIVE?!
Posts: 8,809
Send a message via AIM to Grassy_Aggron
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

Username: Grassy_Aggron
Team Name: Guardian Units of Nations
Entry Title: Ice Cream? No, YOU Scream.
Link: Yoink.
Symbolism/Other Things:
Spoiler:
Ricky is a dork.

This story pretty much shows just how downright CREEPY Vanilluxe is. Took some time to get to it, yes, but worth it. It's a strong Pokemon. Strong like bull. Also, note what the little girl says at the end...Evolution, yo. And what? Cherry sauce? Mmm. Except, we both know it isn't...

And bacteria in the pool? Huh. Wonder why. What could have been frozen in there and then eaten/left to rot? Hrm...

Also, Matt got karma. So did Zuko for helping Matt do all that evil stuff. Ricky and Derpy, though, were pretty much innocent. This shows the harsh, cold reality of life and death; they take no sides. You can be a murderer and live until you at ninety, or be a saint and die when you are twenty. This shows that reality. He shouldn't have followed Matt, but he wanted to keep him out of trouble.


And yes, I went for funny horror XD

OH. And bear in mind I use "-" to often show like an afterthought ("He stated that term with sheer hatred - and he had quite a lot of it." Not the best example, but you get the idea) and also, "...".

If it leads into a word that continues the sentence, lowercase. "He stated...that he...could not...continue..."

If it leads into a word that could be a new sentence, uppercase. "I couldn't help but feel it...Everything came crashing down on me."

THE MORE YOU KNOW. *GI JOE*)
__________________

Last edited by Grassy_Aggron; 07-15-2012 at 04:05 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-15-2012, 04:03 AM
Winter's Avatar
Winter Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Banora, munchin' on dumbapples...
Posts: 4,527
Send a message via Skype™ to Winter
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

Username: Winter
Team Name: Eggman Empire
Entry Title: An Act of Kindness
Entry Link: Here!
Symbolism/Other themes:
Spoiler:
The region this takes place in is an old fanmade region I came up with and never really expanded on, Liz is the niece of that region's Professor, and after a family visit to her, Liz ended up living with her to "help keep her organized," as she was a serious child, and she didn't really like living with multiple older siblings and her parents anyway. XD

While I don't really HATE any pokemon, Magikarp is definitely one of the ones I find annoying, and a wonderful comic on dA inspired this idea as well. If you'd like to see it, let me know.

Also, I intended for this to be longer, however due to the fact there was no way I was getting the LAST PARAGRAPH done before the time was up, I'll probably update with its ending after it's judging and Grassy unlocks the threads again.
__________________

Banner by me! | My dA | My FF.Net
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-15-2012, 04:08 AM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

Ah man. I'm so sorry that the second post doesn't have italics where the thoughts are. D: It's the entry time RIGHT NOW. O_O Feel free to bash me for writing a long and boring story in one day because of my laziness all through the week.
Username: GallantlyGlaceon
Team Name: Eggman Empire
Entry Title: Strife of Solace
Link: Here. ;-;
Symbolism/Other Things:
Spoiler:
The Pokemon I hate in this is quite obviously Banette. In all honesty, I don't hate them too much. I just thought it'd be fun for the character to have a different, more serious reason for hating them instead of just disliking their concept or appearance. Also, there was a sweet little scene supposed to be at the end, but I ran out of time for it. ): Just know that Solace and Karen pretty much lived happily ever after and all that crap. XDAnd sorry for the obligatory "entire home-town dies in a fire, blah blah blah" I put in there. I had to have some plausible reason for her joining Team Rocket and all that though, and that was the first thing that came to me.
__________________
Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by GallantlyGlaceon; 07-15-2012 at 04:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-16-2012, 05:00 AM
Sight of the Stars's Avatar
Sight of the Stars Offline
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Top of Mt. Everest. -shivers- Cold.
Posts: 4,043
Send a message via AIM to Sight of the Stars Send a message via Skype™ to Sight of the Stars
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

ALRIGHT, THEME FOR THIS WEEK ISSSS:

Emotional Impact:
Time to get down to business, guys. Remember what I seem to love hammering everyone about? This is why. I want you to create a piece that'll make me feel something. I'll lower my emotional standards since you all only have a week to write it, but try your best. It doesn't even have to be sadness. If you can make my day with a positive story, you'll definitely get points for it. REMEMBER, I'VE GOT ONE EXTRA POINT TO HAND OUT THIS WEEK. I'll hand it out to the story that I personally like the best, so DEAL WITH IT AND EARN IT. >:DDDD
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-16-2012, 07:19 AM
alaskapidove's Avatar
alaskapidove Offline
Ultra RPG Official
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 183
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Judged)

Username: Alaskapidove
Team Name: Not-So-Super-Friends
Entry Title: Kerosene
Link: This
Symbolism/Other Things:
Spoiler:

I feel like I should know something to put here, but it's late and I've had very little sleep and I don't. I think my story is deep. Maybe. Probably. It makes me emotional when I reread it anyways. Hopefully it does the trick for you as well.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:01 AM
Sight of the Stars's Avatar
Sight of the Stars Offline
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Top of Mt. Everest. -shivers- Cold.
Posts: 4,043
Send a message via AIM to Sight of the Stars Send a message via Skype™ to Sight of the Stars
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 4 Theme Announced (Week 3 Being Judged)

I greatly apologize for the lack of results. Through program crashes and stupidity caused by severe migraines, I've lost judging files several times and I won't be doing thorough judging this week. I'll announce the winners tomorrow, as the only computer available right now is a laptop that is about to die, and it seems to be missing the charger. I would announce the winners now if I had time to read the rest of the entries. I apologize for the inconvenience.
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-19-2012, 04:43 AM
Sight of the Stars's Avatar
Sight of the Stars Offline
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Top of Mt. Everest. -shivers- Cold.
Posts: 4,043
Send a message via AIM to Sight of the Stars Send a message via Skype™ to Sight of the Stars
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 4 Theme Announced (Week 3 Being Judged)

THIS WEEK'S OVERDUE RESULTS:
god I feel like a terrible judge D8

OKAY ANOTHER TIE FOR FIRST I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO PUT ONE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.

FIRST PLACE - 2 POINTS;
Saraibre Ryu of G.U.N.!
I adored this piece. Not only did it have very few stumbling flow errors ("Some zigzag patterns on this being / I can’t forget it, even trying"; doesn't flow very well in my mind unless I read it in a purposefully awkward manner), but you managed to do plenty of clever rhymes. The "Sigilyph'd" part was probably the thing that made this stand out. Anything that can stand out like that gets major points in my book. XD BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN; I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE TRAILING OFF, PLEASE PUT A SPACE AFTER AN ELLIPSIS. But, yeah. I didn't expect someone to even do a poem this week, let alone make it this awesome!

FIRST PLACE - 2 POINTS;
Charmander009 of The Eggman Empire!
This is more of what I wanted for this week! No, not expected. What I wanted. I wanted something like this, but I didn't expect it at the same time. This is proof that YES, YES I CAN ENJOY A HAPPY ENDING. This was an endlessly cute story that tortured the theme Pokemon in the most adorable way possible--a tea party with a little kid! This is one of the pieces that made my day and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. There were very few errors (though on one I think you meant 'sand' instead of 'stand', in the battle with the Scolipede), which was awesome! The one thing that I didn't notice until I Googled it was the very last word--"Scoliopede" is supposed to be "Scolipede". Then again, it's not like I can count off much for that because a) it sounds cooler that way, and b) I didn't even realize it until I remembered how cool Scolipede looked and Google-Imaged it. XD But, yes! I ADORED this story, which was why I couldn't bear to bring it down to second place, nor could I bear to do the same with Sabi's, either!

Because of the point adjustment, we also have two second-place ties instead of a third place. WOOHOO.

SECOND PLACE - 1 POINT;
Grassy_Aggron of G.U.N.!
Even though I despised you with every fiber of my being for naming the Pokemon I hate something awesome like ZUKO and then KILLING IT, I can't begrudge you at least second place for this interesting story. It set the mood very well and did excellently in pointing out the more creepy aspects of the "cute" ice cream Pokemon that you pretty much can't deny. This was more along the lines of what I expected, but had enough hard-core facts about how creepy the Pokemon is and Zuko to make up for it. But like I said to Sabi. FOR GOD'S SAKE, A SPACE WON'T KILL YOU. D8
I think I actually like Infernape now...

SECOND PLACE - 1 POINT;
GallantlyGlaceon of The Eggman Empire!
I can see that you tried hard to give me the backstory I've asked for, and I appreciate it a lot! This rushed story is a lot better than your last rushed story, haha, but if you hadn't told me you rushed again this week then I probably wouldn't have known except on about a part or two! I really wished that you had made the appearance of Team Rocket in the flashback more realistic, though. I understand the concept of an ambush, but there are little details that would have tipped them off, like the bird Pokemon moving or flying away or stopping their singing. Stuff like that. I really love your theme, though, and I DEFINITELY wasn't at ALL expecting a military story!


CRITIQUE FOR;
Winter of The Eggman Empire!
Let's just say that I certainly didn't expect a Magikarp story. I freaking love Magikarp, especially once it evolves! C8 But I still love it. Nothing that evolves into a kick-ass sea dragon can be that bad! The one thing that irked me was the fact that when putting Houndoom's interactions between her dialogue, you put commas before the end quotation mark before the action ("Hey, nanny," the Houndoom growled softly in response to the nickname"; you probably should have tried "Hey, nanny--" The Houndoom growled softly in response to the nickname. "--texthereIforgotwhatitsaidnext" or something of the like), and this constantly bugged me. XD I still thought it was a cute story, though. c':
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Sight of the Stars; 07-19-2012 at 04:47 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 07-20-2012, 03:09 AM
Winter's Avatar
Winter Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Banora, munchin' on dumbapples...
Posts: 4,527
Send a message via Skype™ to Winter
Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 4 Theme Announced (Week 3 Being Judged)

Username; Winter
Team Name; Eggman Empire
Entry Title; Goodbyes Are Hard
Entry Link;Linky!
Symbolism/Other Themes;
Spoiler:
Okay, first of all, this is not what I said I was gonna do. XD
It's actually based off Mewcario/Master Zorua's old Pokemon: Rebirth and Rebirth: Legendary War RPs, where the Legendary Pokemon could no longer be reincarnated thanks to Team Galactic and their screwy alternate world plan and ended up passing their powers on to humans who would eventually become the Legendary that gave them their powers. The RP was never finished (died in the middle of the battle Seth references where Riika was beating off people with her Raichu and a baseball bat--BEST FIGHT EVER!) sadly, however, this is kinda how I saw it ending for Riika and Seth. And because it was brought up as a matter of confusion, Duke was what Riika called the Entei before Seth.
__________________

Banner by me! | My dA | My FF.Net
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:30 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com