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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-17-2007, 08:47 AM
Abz Rulez Offline
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Talking flying folcan V2

Nearly every trainer striving to win the Hoenn Pokémon league is familiar with the dark green forests of Petalburg. Beyond the city was usually an expanse of green. Beams of light danced with shadows that swathe the forest floor. Small mushroom Pokémon emerged from piles of leaf mold. Birds twittered loudly as they flew from dark branch to dark branch under the thick green canopy.

The boat sailed smoothly down the crystal clear river. Abz peered over edge of the sail boat as it continued on down the river. The water, glimmering from the Sun’s rays looked beautiful as Abz continued watching his surroundings, enjoy himself. Abz was taking a break from playing with Mudkip. He had recently got his first pokemon. He breathed in the crisp cool summer air, a light wind blowing softly by him as he stretched out in his chair. The Sun, retreating behind one of the few clouds in the area plunged the world around him into a slight darkness, only to return moments later, along with the glimmering affect in the water around the boat. Abz looked down at his Pokeballs in his lap. They should be out enjoying this too, he thought, reaching down and releasing his Pokemon onto the boat. The boat seemed to drop down a foot because of the added weight, and for a second Abz thought that the boat might capsize, but after a second it adjusted itself to the extra weight.

I gripped the Pokeball firmly bringing it closer to my face. I stared at it for a moment in shock. It was my first Pokemon and from now on, it would control my Destiny. My hands were shaking from the excitement and the little half red and white ball was shaking with it. My chocolate brown eyes were just hypnotized.
Children were running across the Beach playfully with there pokemon, In the busy streets of Petalburg.

The beach was soft and cushiony, the sand was glitering in the reflection of the sun , wingulls were flying over the setting of the sun, the vast ocean was sparkling while there was a pleasent breeze running across the beach. On the far end of the beach there was a abbandoned cottage which once belonged to an old sailor. Autumn approached; the green leaves turned brilliant shades of red and gold.

The majestic trees let their apparel fall to decorate the green forest floor; sunlight penetrated through more easily now that gaps were formed in the treetops. Abz was a young boy by the age of 11 he had short jet black hair and was below average hight, his smile was unforgettable and he had a jolly personality he loved playing with his pokemon mudkip, he he was great at sport and was exellent at trainer school and he loved mudkip as he was his only pokemon.

Once he had a walk with mudkip and he got to thinking "should he move on from this quite lifestyle" he spoke quietly to Mudkip " is this realy were i should stay is this were I will spend my life taking over my dad and becoming the Petalburg gym leader"
Mudkip looked at Abz in confusion and washed some water into his face and looked at him in a cross way and then said nothing, Abz carried on "should i leave my friends, my family and go on an adventure with you ", " Mudkip I think I hear dad calling me , c'mon Mudkip" Abz darted to the gym were he found his dad norman,
he was in a serious mood and then he quietly spoke to Abz in a sad way " I am sorry Abz you can not be the petalburg gym leader, you need normal types to bercome the leader and with mudkip, i don't think you will ever make it". Abz looked at him and started to snivel and he shouted " I won't leave Mudkip I am going to leave on a journey and i will become the best i will show you" , then Abz fled into the pokemon center and restored Mudkip. Abz sprinted across to his mother and said " goodbye Mum I have to go on a journey, Dad wan'ts me to leave Mudkip and I just can't do that I need to go" Goodbye Mum.

Abz slowly walked away from petalburg when he met will on the beach, will was his best friend, he met will at trainer school in rustboro city and they both wanted to be pokemon masters. Will paced to him slowly and spoke to him " why are you leaving home It's not worth it " Abz replied " Dad isn't gonna let me become the gym leader so I am going on a journey to prove him wrong seya" Abz ran away from will, and entered the woods Abz tensed as the bushes shook again.

He saw garnet eyes narrowing in the darkness, and she looked to see if her Mudkip was ready to attack. He gathered up the energy within him, allowing Water to escape into his throat and pause at the back of his mouth as a revolving sphere of Water. He opened his mouth, baring his teeth and the Water, ready to attack. The bright leaves of the autumn trees shook as a wind blew them, and time continued to stand still, Until a small wumple crawled by, Mudkip used water gun and the imense water rifle blasted wurmple to pieces while at the same time wurmple used poisen sting wurmple fainted but Mudkip unfortunately was poisened.

Abz ran around the wood looking for a pecha berries but it was going to be hard in autum looking for berries but it was going to be hard and just by luck he found one, he raced over to mudkip and was about to give it to him when a pidgey stole the berry from his hand
" come back here I need It for Mudkip he is poisened " Abz raced to pidgey and lunged at him and tried to get the berry. He spoke in a quite manner and said"I need to cacth you to save Mudkips life " and he threw a pokeball at pidgey but it didn't work so he used mudkip to weaken him " Mudkip I need you to work with me try a water gun " Abz hoped it would work but it had little effect then Abz asked Mudkip to use another water gun this also had little effect, weakly, Mudkip crawled forwards, spraying a stream of cold blue water at Pidgey. The Pokemon was ill and tired, but it was smart enough to realize that if it didn't get Pidgey and the berry, it would only feel worse. Hoping not to damage the berry, however, it didn't use as strong of a blast as it might before. " Mudkip I need you to use Hydro Pump to take him out " The Hydro Pump actually washed the berry a foot or so away from Pidgey, though Abz didn't notice this as he threw the pokeball. Mudkip, however, did, and as the pokeball began to slow down a bit in its wiggling, it slowly dragged itself towards the berry.
He waited patiently
Name: Abz Rulez
Age: 12
Pokemon: Pidgey

Ready for grading

Last edited by Abz Rulez; 02-17-2007 at 02:14 PM.
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Old 02-17-2007, 12:39 PM
FireflyK's Avatar
FireflyK Offline
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Default Re: flying folcan V2

Introduction: This was good, you set the scene before beginning the story. The descriptions of Petalburg forest were vivid. We also saw your character, which was good, and learned a little about him. However, you did switch your point of view at one point- Going from speaking about Abz, to saying 'i'.
Abz peered over edge of the sail boat as it continued on down the river. The water, glimmering from the Sun’s rays looked beautiful as Abz continued watching his surroundings, enjoy himself. Abz was taking a break from playing with Mudkip.

I gripped the Pokeball firmly bringing it closer to my face. I stared at it for a moment in shock. It was my first Pokemon and from now on, it would control my Destiny.

Are you Abz, or are you a second person in this story? Generally, a switch of point of view is done if you're writing in a first person narrative, or a limited third person narrative, to fill the audience in on something the 'speaker' doesn't know. (First person is when you use I and are the one telling it from your perspective, third person limited is when someone else, but can only tell the parts of it they see happening)

Using someone who knows everything to fill the rest in, like someone explaining that Abz was 'taking a break from playing with his Mudkip', is fine. But you should probably, otherwise, try to stick to only one other point of view, either writing in 1st person, or in limited 3rd from Abz' perspective.

Plot: A boy is sailing, gets told he can't be a gym leader, finds a friend from school, then ends up having Mudkip poisoned. He catches a Pidgey who stole the berry Mudkip needs.

This is a nice plot, and it doesn't only focus on finding a pokemon to catch, which was nice. Good job.

Grammar: At the beginning, this is flawless. However, you stop capitalizing and otherwise being careful with this later on. You also make a few mistakes- Like referring to Abz alternately as a he and a she. (Abz slowly walked away from petalburg when he met , he saw garnet eyes narrowing in the darkness, and she looked to see if her Mudkip was ready to attack) From the 6th paragraph onwards, this needs some work.

Details & Battle: Throughout your story, your details are mostly very good. The descriptions of Petalburg's forest is wonderful, as are the ones you include when your character is sailing. Unfortunately, during the battle, you stop using these at all. We get a list of three attacks, and that is all. Having a short battle, since Mudkip is weak, makes sense, but you should try to describe the attacks.

Even a weakened Pokemon can battle. ^_^ It'll be much more difficult for them, yes, and they will probably not have their attacks be as good, but you could still have the Mudkip's fighting be described some more than you did.

Overall: Pidgey Not Captured. The beginning was wonderful, and the conflict with his father was an interesting twist. The grammar errors are not bad enough to make the story need revising, but the battle really needs to have at least a little bit more detail. Please go back and add a bit of detail, and consider, while you are at it, fixing up the grammar a little bit. ^_^ Let me know when you've just added a few sentence to the battle, and I'll be glad to come back and make this story a capture.


Much better! Pidgey Captured. You fixed the battle up very nicely, good job, and have fun with the bird. :P Next time, work on trying to do a detailed battle the first time, before suggestions, but otherwise, your story was very good even from the start.

Last edited by FireflyK; 02-17-2007 at 02:19 PM.
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