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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-13-2007, 01:48 AM
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Default The Fire Cruise

CHAPTER 1: HELLO! Dark, mysterious, and HOT!



The giant ocean liner blew it's tremendously loud horn. It bellowed throughout the red smoky island. The giant boat had come to a stop and the white blue cruise ship's doors opened. People came out with there pokemon walking along the sides, departing onto the island. The giant ship read in blue letters on the side: Athena, the ship of beauty. The island had a red font to it, and it smelled of smoke and charcoal, to the people it smelled good. It had many trees in the middle of the island and sand bars all around it, except for the west side of the island, that part was a giant volcano, which blew smoke out of it all the time. The trainers thought that this place was heaven. It was very hot, smoke in the air, a bright sun to keep them warm, and no shade to sit under. These people loved it, because they were heat fanatics, the loved the warmth, and fire, and any sign of heat. They were all also fire trainers, and only had fire type pokemon.

Susaska, a 15 year old kid, walked out of one of the corridors in the north exit. He was smiling threw that long think hair of his, black and blue were the colors of his hair, although he preferred red and black, the colors of fire, and charcoal. His eyes a sapphire blue, but he was glad with that, red eyes make him look like a robotic freak. He wore a brown T-shirt that was just about as skinny as he was, making him look extremely skinny, but healthy, and he wore big, black, baggy, pants with little slits, or cuts at the knee part of it, too keep him cool, it also had lots of pockets to keep many items and tools in. His belt was grey and saggy with tons of pockets as well to keep berries, pokeballs, and more. His tennis shoes were for running and evasive maneuvers, like dodging, or escaping. His pokemon, a Torchic, and a Growlithe, stood at each side of him. Torchic was on his left and was looking outward gaily, skimming the land. His bright red feathers moved in the small breeze that cooled the island, just a bit. Growlithe stood at his right looking at the volcano and wishing to clime to the top as an adventure sometime. His coat was fluffy and healthy, black with orange made a good combo for a fire type pokemon. Susaska looked down to watch his step and said, "Alright, Growlithe, Torchic, let's go and have some fun, they said that there would be a carnival, or a festival, or something." Growlithe yipped, and Torchic chirped, and Susaska smiled as they climbed down the giant ship.

The ship bellowed again as Susaska finally got on the land and started walking. There was a little festival and people with there pokemon, played, or watched, or just hung out, Charzards, Rapidashes, Blazekins, and Magmars everywhere. Susaska was one of the few to still have basic pokemon, but Susaska didn't really care. He went over to a booth that said, "Fire type grooming and bathing" Susaska asked the person running the booth, "How do you groom a Growlithe hair, without hurting it?" The lady answered, "You need a special kind of brush that's made for Growlithe, oh, and don't worry bout a thing, dear, many Growlithe trainers don't know that Growlithe has a special kind of coat than other fire type pokemon do. That's why the product from the grocery store doesn’t work, and hurt the poor red little puppies." She smiled and handed Susaska the special brush. "Here, take it, it's on me, for the little one, okay?" she chimed. "Oh, Thank you mam'm!" Susaska said, as he took the brush and put it in one of his pockets, then noticed a little dark figure in the bushes, behind the booth in the woods watching them. Susaska squinted his eyes as the lady said, "Oh! No problem dear, just helping the trainers, that's what I do!" Susaska looked up at her quickly like he didn’t care any more and quickly replied, "Ahuh." and looked back at the figure. The dark thing looked away and ran. "Growlithe, after it!" Susaska commanded and Growlithe sprinted outward into the bushes, and out of sight. The fast Growlithe was right behind it when it started barking. "Let's go, Torchic!" He said as he picked up the small chic pokemon and sprinted right after Growlithe and the figure, into the dark passage in the woods.

Susaska found Growlithe and the figure at a clearing in the woods. There stood Growlithe growling at the figure, and it growled back. Susaska got closer into the clearing and saw that it was a Houndour. "Hm, alright Growlithe, let's try and catch it, use bite!" Growlithe charged at it and clammed down its jaws on the dark, black, puppy. The Houndour fought back using bite. Both pokemon had it equally matched and both jaws on one another. Susaska new that Growlithe was going to be the first one to faint if this went on because Houndour was also a dark type pokemon and because of that it has more power over dark type attacks. "Okay, Growlithe, use flamethrower!" Susaska knew it wouldn't do much, but it would hurt Houndour if they were this close. Growlithe shot a humungous flame from its mouth and directly hit the Houndour. The black puppy got back up and used smog. Susaska cuffed his hands and covered his mouth not to breath in the poison. "Come back in Torchic, away from the smoke" Susaska said as he returned his Torchic into the ball, worrying about its safety. Then he said, with his hands still in over his mouth. "Growlithe you okay? If so use fire spin to get the smoke away. Growlithe yipped and let out a huge twister of fire that sucked up the smoke and there was Houndour, out in the open. "Great!" Susaska said, as he put down his hands. "Now use ember!" Growlithe shot out many rounds of fiery red bullets that pummeled the black fiery puppy and Houndour yipped from pain. The battle ground started to smell of ash, charcoal, and a foul stench. It filled the air and Susaska knew it could get to hot and spark a flash fire. Susaska had to finish it up fast before it could happen and said, "Now, Growlithe, use bite again!" Growlithe, the little reddish, orangish puppy, put its jaws around Houndour's chest and clamped down as hard as a little puppy could and wouldn't let go. The Houndour managed to escape from it and ran off with its legs imbetween its tail and Growlithe smiled up at Susaska painting, with those big bulgy wet eyes of his. Susaska smiled and said, "Great job, Growlithe. Now, come on, let's go back to the party, eh?" Growlithe yipped with glee and started walking back with Susaska. They got back to the festive and everything was just as they left it. Susaska walked back to the "Fire type grooming and bathing" booth and asked, "Do you guys give free baths to pokemon?" The ladies there smiled and one replied, "We, sure do! What can I do you for?" "Well," Susaska said. "I want to clean my Growlithe, and my Torchic please." The lady said, "Alright just give them here, and we'll fix them up for ya. How bout that?" "That'll be great, thanks" Susaska said, as he picked up Growlithe and opened Torchic's pokeball out on the table. The ladies took them both and set them in a tube filled with hot, soothing water and started to bath them. Susaska sat down in a chair, by a table and watched his pokemon get cleaned.
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Last edited by Zombie Muse; 03-16-2007 at 07:26 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-13-2007, 05:00 AM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Susaska got Growlithe and Torchic back from the bathing people and gave them ten dollars for the work and thanked them. He started to walk toward another booth at the festival called, "Fire Haven" and sat down at a table. A waiter came by and surprised Susaska, not knowing that it was a restaurant with a show. The waiter said, "What can I get for you, sir?" "Oh, oh, well, uh, what do you have?" Susaska asked. The waiter sighed and gave Susaska a menu and said, "Here's our menu, sir." His voice was like a little French mouse, but with a lower, and more annoyed tone to it. His eyes reflected his voice, plain, dull, and tired, but Susaska managed to pull then last bit of manners out of him and opened the menu. Every thing there was spicy, no surprise, but a few things were made from the island it self. "Um, I'd like to have the volcanic ribs and the citrus smoothie please." Susaska asked as he folded the menu and handed it to the waiter as he said, "Right away, sir" His sir was filled with a slither of nuisance and he walked away as if it were the last time he were alive and he was still unhappy about his dull, annoyed life. Susaska watched up stage as the performers did tricks and stunts. Growlithe and Torchic stood in a chair and yipped and squeaked. The waiter came back and handed him a plait full of juicy, roosted, hot, ribs that smelled almost as good as it looked, with barbeque sauce smothering over it and steam arose from it and it looked great. The smoothie was a bright orange and looked creamy as it did refreshing. Susaska drank his smoothie as he looked up the mountain. He watched as the Ponyta and the Rapidash moved in a heard down the giant rocky volcano. Then a huge fire bolt caught his eye as a performer breathed fire and a Magmar imitated him.

When Susaska was finished he got up and turned around and slammed into someone inconspicuously and knocked them over. "Oh, I'm sorry, here let me help you." Susaska said as he held out his hand to the poor man. The guy took his hand and helped him self up and brushed off his chest and shoulders. The man's pokemon looked up at him; there was a Cyndaquil, and a Numel. The man looked at Susaska and said, "Don't sweat it; it was not on purpose, right?" Susaska nodded his head in agreement and said, "Yea, of coarse it was." The man put out his hand in hope for a hand shake and said, "I'm Domirte, nice to meet you, uh, who are you?" Susaska quickly shook his hand and said, "Oh, I'm Susaska, Susaska Vanorostt." "Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Susaska Vanorostt." Domirte said. "Nice to meet you too, Domirte." They both smiled then Domirte said, "Woh! Nice Growlithe!" Susaska said, "Uh, thanks, and you have a little dirt on your shirt." Domirte looked at it, and then quickly brushed it off. Domirte had blond wavy hair that was long, but far away from his face. He wore a wet shirt, one of those shirts people ware if they're in the water a lot, and you could tell Domirte was a surfer. His shirt was blue, with a red strip going down on the side with a logo on it, telling people to purchase this item, because this guy is wearing it. His pants were baggy, like Susaska's, but a sandy tan color, it had four big pockets, and a belt loop, but Domirte didn't wear a belt. His shoes were skate shoes that were a grey, brown and had a white strip on the side of it. The logo was in big blue letter that said, "Vonns" but they were almost all worn out. "I bet you kind of wandering why I only have fire type pokemon, but love to go surfing, huh?" Domirte said. "Yea, wouldn't you rather like a Wailmer, or a seal?" Susaska replied. "Well, to tell you the truth, I probably would, it's just, I really like fire, and Cyndaquil here is my best buddy in the whole wide world, and I think taking in a water type pokemon wouldn't be such a great idea, plus I get to go on this cruise, right?" "Yea!" Susaska said, and just then he saw that same Houndour before, staring at them in the bushes behind all the booths into the woods.

Susaska's face went blank with concentration and said, "Hey, Growlithe, Torchic come on, Houndour is back." Domirte said, "A Houndour? Oh, those pokemon are cool! Hey, do you have one?" "No, but maybe I soon will, who knows?" Susaska started running after the Houndour who ran off into the dark abyss known as the woods and Domirte and his pokemon fallowed in the chase. "Go, Growlithe, use ember!" Growlithe let of a tremendous amount of fiery bullets out in the woods. It let out a light and they spotted Houndour. Once they got into a lighter part of the woods Susaska commanded, "Growlithe, use flamethrower!" Growlithe let off a huge flame and leaped toward Houndour. It hit the dark puppy and the Houndour stopped. The pokemon was angered and started to growl. The dark puppy pokemon went forward using crunch and hit Growlithe. "No, Growlithe! Use ember to get him off!" Susaska commanded and Growlithe did as it was told and shot Houndour with a wave of little fire bullets from his mouth. The air smelled of charcoal and burned ash again, the foul stench pinch the air, and Susaska's noise with an unbearable smell. "Go, Growlithe, use take down!" Susaska knew this was a risky move, and that Growlithe could be hurt as well, but it was very powerful, and it needed to be done. "Do it, now!" Growlithe charged at the dark puppy pokemon vigorously and rammed its little furry red body onto Houndour and Houndour was hurled backward and hit a rock. The pokemon got up growling again and flashed Growlithe his teeth. Growlithe mirrored Houndour and growled and flashed his teeth as well. "Use flamethrower Growlithe!" Growlithe shot out an enormous flame that hit Houndour directly. The dark pokemon came out of the flames and hit Growlithe with a faint attack.

Growlithe hit the ground hard enough to tell Susaska that it was Torchic's turn. "Return, Growlithe!" Susaska said, as he directed his poke ball at the red puppy lying on the ground and a red beam sucked up Growlithe. "Go, Torchic, use Slash!" the red chick pokemon came out of its red ball and threw its sharp claws out at the dark puppy pokemon and slashed it hard. "Woh! Nice hit dude!" Domirte said and he watched Susaska and Torchic battle. "Thanks, Domirte. Now, Torchic, use peck!" The red chic pokemon came at Houndour jabbing its sharp beak at the dark puppy and hurt it badly. The Houndour fought back trying to use bite attack, but Torchic dodged out of its path. "Now, counter it using slash!" Torchic charged at the dark puppy pokemon again and cut it with its sharp, intense talons and stood there, ready to attack again with Susaska's command. "Alright, enough's enough, go pokeball!" Susaska threw a little round red/white ball at the Houndour. The ball smashed into the pokemon’s face and the Houndour was sucked up into it quickly. The ball shook once, twice, and a third time. Susaska waited, with hope and anxiety. "Dude..." Domirte said, seriously and waited with curiosity to see the outcome as well. It was quiet, very quiet.
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Last edited by Zombie Muse; 03-16-2007 at 07:26 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-13-2007, 08:38 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

~*~*~*Ready for grading*~*~*~
~*~*Pokemon: Houndour*~*~
~*characters: 14,238*~
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Last edited by Zombie Muse; 03-18-2007 at 04:36 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-16-2007, 04:01 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Introduction: Your introduction was good. It opened the story in an interesting fashion, and told us about Susaska. Good job.


Plot: A young boy is aboard a cuirse ship. He gets off and goes to a festival, and finds a mysterious figure. He loses it the first time, but the next time, he catches the Houndour. This was complex enough for a houndour, and the carnival idea was nice. I found all the fire types mentioned there interesting, since I wouldn't have expected a cruise to have so many. ^_^

Grammar: Your grammar and spelling could use a bit of work. You used 'Threw' instead of 'through' when talking about Susaska looking through his hair, and had a couple of other similar mistakes. However, they didn't really take away from the story.

Details: Some of these were very good, like describing Growlithe's eyes as big, bulgy, and wet. People usually try for more cute terms when describing Pokemon, so this change was excellent. Also, you remember to use things like smell, too, not just sight. Good work.

Overall: This was a good story. The pace seemed a bit sped up- he found the Houndour a second time rather quickly- and the story seemed to sort of run together a little, however. Try to work on pacing yourself next time. Your details, however, made up for this, and the story is definitely long enough. Houndour Captured.
One last word of advice... ;) For long stories, large and bright red text makes reading a little difficult. Try something less bright next time, please.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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Old 03-16-2007, 05:36 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Okay, will do, and thank you for grading my story, seeing that you've been quit buesy in the past few days, from catching up from bing sick and all, I really appreciate it, and I will change the color. ((Fire island, color red, ya know, just a bit of a touch, but I will change it ^^))
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Old 03-16-2007, 05:44 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Quote:
Originally Posted by Susaska Vannorost View Post
Okay, will do, and thank you for grading my story, seeing that you've been quit buesy in the past few days, from catching up from bing sick and all, I really appreciate it, and I will change the color. ((Fire island, color red, ya know, just a bit of a touch, but I will change it ^^))
It's cute. ^_^ Just a bit hard to read for a long story. Maybe just do the Chapters in the color you want? ;)


Edit: Much better. :D Cool font, and readable.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 03-16-2007 at 08:02 PM.
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  #7  
Old 03-16-2007, 07:25 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Alright, I think a dark red maybe? It's red, but better, it's dark, lol.
EDIT: thank you ^^


CHAPTER TWO: ANGER ISN'T THE PROBLEM!


Susaska waited and then finally, what he's been waiting for, the clicking sound from the ball acknowledging the fact the he finally caught the little red, black, dark, puppy known as, Houndour. Susaska went over and picked up the little red and white ball and held it in his hand. Susaska then shot up into the sky with the pokeball twinkling in the sunlight as he shouted, "Yes! I caught Houndour! Finally, now then, let's take him out and introduce him to the rest of the team." Torchic started chirping for joy, because Torchic loved having new friends, always nice to be with someone, for it's better to be with somebody, than nobody. Growlithe, on the other hand, was a bit, concerned about having Houndour on the team, for Growlithe had started a little rivalry with Houndour, but soon smiled, stuck out his tong, and started painting, then jumped onto Susaska's leg, with his front legs, as if saying, "Let him out! Let him out, I want to play!" Susaska chuckled then said, "Alright, alright, I'm letting him out, just hold on, just one minute Growlithe." Domitre said, "Yea, let the little fellow out, I wanna see him!" His two pokemon started jumping for joy as well as Torchic and Growlithe, everybody was so anxious.

Susaska finally pushed the button and let the dark, fiery pokemon out and Houndour looked around, glancing at everyone, wandering if he'd been caught or not. "Hey, Houndour, I caught you, let me welcome you to the team. This is Torchic, my very first pokemon." Susaska said as he pointed toward the little chick pokemon as Torchic bounced up and down. "And I think you've already meet Growlithe right?" Growlithe looked at Houndour with a happy face, painting, and smiling. Houndour looked back at Growlithe and Torchic with an angered look upon his face, but soon couldn't help himself and smiled with his mouth wide open, and yipped with Growlithe and Torchic.

A horn blew way out in the distance from the direction of the carnival and Domitre said, "Oh wow, it's starting already? Okay, hey Susaska, there's going to be a fireworks show, come on, it's really cool and I think your pokemon will like it, mine did the first time we were here, come on it's starting!" Domitre started running off in the direction of the carnival. "Uh, okay, come on guys; let's hurry up so we can watch the show!" Houndour, Growlithe, and Torchic all ran after Susaska as he ran after Domitre, who was still rambling on about how great the show was last year, and can't wait for the show this year, and how it's supposedly going to be better every year ever since this cruise ever started, which was a long time ago. They got back to the carnival and there were a lot of people, who weren't there before because they were either on the ship, working at booths, or somewhere else on the island. Everyone was sitting in front of one giant stage, the main stage, and there was a man that started walking out to the front of the stage toward a microphone. Susaska and his pokemon along with Domitre and his pokemon all ran over and got a seat in the front row, amazingly there was still room for them.

The man finally reached the microphone and out it by his mouth then said in it, "My fellow fire type trainers, I am Sir. Flame from Cinnabar Island, and I am very happy to announce that this year, has been one of the best in all of the fire cruises I've worked on. Sixteen people this year caught alone eighteen pokemon from this island, and one was ever a Charzard!" The crowd "ooo'ed in honor of the trainer that caught the great and powerful pokemon. ”Please stand if you caught a pokemon, and please hold the pokemon, or the pokeball." Nineteen people stood including Susaska, Susaska held Houndour in his hands and shoed off the tremendous dark puppy. "Ahh, I see some trainers didn't go to the record booth to tell them that they caught a pokemon," Sir. Flame said with a smile and a slight chuckle. "So, who are you and what pokemon did you catch?" About three people said their names and their pokemon, people clapped as they showed either their pokemon or their pokeballs, except for one trainer who shoed off a Rapidash that he caught and people shouted, clapped, and cheered for the trainer.

Susaska stood there holding Houndour as many people in the audience turned to look at him, a few still stared at the beautiful majestic fire horse pokemon. "I just caught this Houndour about, three minutes ago, and barley made it in time for this demonstration." Susaska said as he held up Houndour, who was thinking that he should burn the people in the crowd using flamethrower, but didn't. The crowed cheered for Susaska, because it was just a capture and already had made friends with the dark, fiery puppy pokemon. Susaska sat down next to Growlithe, and Torchic, and put Houndour down next to them, then turned his attention back up on stage. Sir. Flame said, "Great, just great, now with that out of the way, we can start with the fireworks. Sir. Flame threw out two pokeballs and out came a Typhlosion, and a Houndoom and Sir. Flame said, "Houndoom, Typhlosion, just like we practiced!"

The two big fire type pokemon nodded in agreement, and then Houndoom started running across the stage using shadow ball and the little balls of shadows, and darkness flew sky high up in the air. Typhlosion then used ember on them when they were high enough. Random colors like, red, yellow, black, and blue, sparkled, and dazzled, and rained in the air. the little purple, yellow, red, orange, and green embers from the blasts fell down from the sky like as if it were raining in a storm, for blasts and booms fill the island sky as many more colors, like pink, and different shades or yellow, blue, green and many others shot through the sky in an amazing show of fireworks. Susaska and his pokemon all looked up in awe as the sparkles cleared, and new ones began. Susaska was very happy that he made it in time, with his pokemon, and he could tell, not by even looking at his pokemon, that they were having as much fun and adventure as he was.
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Old 03-16-2007, 09:46 PM
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Susaska and his pokemon all watched in awe as the show ended with a tremendous display of lights, colors, feelings, and hope. Susaska then realized that it was gotten hotter here of the island, of coarse, it was already hot, but not was even hotter. Some screams came from the crowd and people started to scatter, only a few though. Susaska stood up holding all three of his pokemon in his hands and so did Domitre. Susaska saw that one of the booths had caught on fire and was now spreading. The fire was big and was very hot, and some people stood by it, until it was a bit too much for them and they backed up a bit. Another booth suddenly caught onto the trend and burst into flames, but the odd thing was, was that this booth was far from the booth that originally caught fire. Then Susaska saw it, a red fox with a coat so shinny, so beautiful, it could've tricked people into thinking that it was made by the God's themselves. The pokemon's tail was a fiery, dark red that stood out from behind the pokemon. The pokemon's eyes were a black round onyx, which could be resembled to as charcoal. The fire type pokemon shot out flames from its mouth again catching another booth on fire, and now three booths were in the process of being turned into ash. The first booth to catch fire suddenly collapsed and spread the fire up another booth, and that one was about to fall over as well, it was as if it were a game of flaming dominos.

Susaska looked harder at the pokemon as it turned its head so it could see Susaska as well, and Susaska knew what kind of pokemon it was, it was a Vulpix. The majestic Vulpix, the lenient, Vulpix stood there motionless. "Alright, Houndour, use ember, but don't hit the pokemon!" Houndour dropped down from Susaska's hands and onto the ground, and then looked up and shot little fire bullets from its mouth and shot the ground in front of the beautiful red fox pokemon and the Vulpix started to run away. Growlithe dropped down from Susaska's hands as well and rolled up into a ball and caught fire, and used flame wheel to catch up to the Vulpix, but the little red fox pokemon ran off into the woods before Growlithe could catch up to it.

Susaska ran over to Growlithe holding onto Torchic and with Houndour at his side running along with him. When Susaska caught up to Growlithe he said, "Let it go Growlithe, it's okay, not much was destroyed." Growlithe turned around and smiled as he painted with those little wet eyes of his. Susaska smiled then turned around to see the damage. Five booths caught fire, and were destroyed, and only one person was injured, but that was from ignorance and stupidity, they just walked backward and tripped over a chair and sprained their elbow. "What an idiot," Susaska thought. "who would walk backwards in a fire?"

Susaska saw Sir. Flame and walked over to him and asked, "Uh, Sir. Flame, do you know why that Vulpix attacked the carnival? Did it like, you know, live here before you came here, or is it just letting out some anger, or do you know honestly know?" "You are not a journalist are you?" Sir. Flame replied. "Uh, no sir." Susaska said. "Good," Sir. Flame finally answered him. "well truthfully, I think it lived here before, last year was fine, and the year before that was fine, but I think it was, seven years ago a Vulpix, or maybe it was a Ninetales, attacked us and we lost eleven booths." Susaska thought and then said, "What if this is that Ninetales's baby, or something?" "Could be who knows, hey, if you go and catch that Vulpix I'll give you a, how bout an old Cinnabar Island badge?" Sir. Flame requested. Susaska replied quickly with a, "No, I couldn't I need to earn that badge far, and square, plus if I catch that Vulpix, then that's a reward itself, right?" "True, true, it would be well then good luck!" Sir. Flame wished to him his best and then left to go and help other people.

Susaska entered the woods with his Houndour, Torchic, and Growlithe all fallowing him, and right behind him, for safety reasons. Susaska entered clearing after clearing and searched far and wide, the north, the south, the east, even the center, but no Vulpix to be seen. He was just about to look again when he had that thought that your never going to find it, your never going to succeed in it, you're not able to do it any more, but he shook his head and looked at the volcano on the west side of the island. Susaska smiled and knew where Vulpix would be hiding, probably in a cove, or a cave, or a hole, or a pit in the ground, maybe and little area where all the Vulpix's on the island go and meet each other and that's were he would find the Vulpix, but he knew he'd have to climb the active, and dangerous volcano and hope it doesn't erupt while he's climbing it. When Susaska got to the bottom of the volcano he could tell it hasn't erupted since around five years, and it is probably due for its next blow, and maybe it will be soon. Susaska turned around to see all three of his pokemon there with him and he said, "Alright guys, come on, we need to find Vulpix, before the volcano gets mad and yells at the sky with fire in its voice, okay?" His pokemon didn't quit understand the analogy he was presenting and he signed and said, "Let's fin Vulpix before the volcano erupts, okay?" His pokemon nodded with a fear of maybe being cooked alive, but hopefully not.

Susaska started up the volcano's rocky outer core, with rocks and boulders. He watched as some herds of pokemon started down the volcano, and was a little bit concerned about being close by the volcano. Susaska was ready to turn back when he heard a small hissing, growling sound. It was Vulpix, he knew it, only a fox could make that noise, and Susaska started looking around, searching for it, he found her, the small beautiful fox pokemon known as Vulpix. Susaska yelled, "Alright, let's hurry this up, I don't want to be fried chicken, okay, Houndour, go! Use faint attack combined with crunch!" Houndour the little black dark puppy dashed forward and found Vulpix underneath a rock with a little bush on top. Houndour slammed into the fox pokemon and then crunched down hard with his mighty jaws. Vulpix squeaked and used confuse ray on Houndour. Houndour shook it away as Susaska said, "Good, and now use flamethrower!" Houndour shot a giant flame from his mouth and hit the small red fox pokemon and Vulpix squeaked again. Vulpix got tired of this and used a fire spin, combined with a flamethrower to make it a lot stronger. Houndour was thrown backward and hit the ground really hard. The earth started to shack and the volcano rumbled. Susaska noticed that a lot more pokemon were running down the giant land of fire and doom. Susaska said, "Let's finish this, Houndour use smog!" Houndour let out a poisonous toxin of smoke and Vulpix coughed inside the little hole. Vulpix ran out for air as Susaska saw the chance and he said, "Go, pokeball, let's catch this before our goose is cooked!" At the same moment as the pokeball slammed into Vulpix and sucked the little fiery red fox pokemon inside the volcano blew with a mighty force of nature. Susaska couldn't wait any more, he returned his pokemon into their pokeballs and grabbed the shaking pokeball with Vulpix inside and started running down the fiery mountain with lava spurring out of it. Susaska watched as the pokeball rocked back and fourth with Vulpix still inside. He waited, as he ran.
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Old 03-18-2007, 04:37 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

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Old 03-26-2007, 08:59 PM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Story - Susaska attended a cruise centered around Fire type Pokemon, and witnessed the destruction of some booths. He decided to turn down a reward, settling for the reward of catching the Vulpix, and went to look for it. This almost fell into the “boy looks for Pokemon, boy finds Pokemon,” cliché, but you added some originality and back story to it, which was good.

Grammar and Spelling - Some minor spelling errors, and some misused words, like “coarse” instead of “course.”
Quote:
Susaska then realized that it was gotten hotter here of the island, of coarse, it was already hot, but not was even hotter.
Was should be changed to has, coarse should be changed to course, and not should be changed now. I’m not sure if you typed this in Microsoft Word or not, as nothing seems to be really misspelled, just used incorrectly - something that could have happened breezing through spell-check. The spelling is for the most part fine, the real problem here lies in comma usage. You have a lot of run-on sentences, and seem to have what should be three separate sentences tied together into one by commas in some spots.
Quote:
Growlithe, on the other hand, was a bit,remove comma concerned about having Houndour on the team,new sentence for Growlithe had started a little rivalry with Houndour, but soon smiled, stuck out his tong, and started painting, new sentence then jumped onto Susaska's leg, with his front legs, as if saying, "Let him out! Let him out, I want to play!"
Work on the commas. You don’t have to tie everything into one sentence, and it’s usually better paced if it isn’t all one sentence. Also, you forget to capitalize Pokemon and Poke ball - things like items, moves, and names should be capitalized.

Length - Vulpix, being Complex, requires 10k-20k characters. You got within the requirements, so I can’t really complain, but it would have been nice to see some more length and I think the battle with Vulpix could have given you that.

Detail - The fireworks show was creatively described, using Pokemon moves to make the show. Also, a lot of good detail in describing things like the Vulpix and it‘s features, as well as the booths catching on fire like flaming dominos. There was some detail in the battle, but it seemed kind of lacking and rushed. You’ve shown you can pull off good detail, just remember to keep it consistent throughout the story.

Battle - A heated battle between Fire types on an erupting volcano. The fact that mostly Fire moves were used allowed for the battle to be evenly matched, since nobody had a clear advantage. Some moves lacked description, and the battle seemed a little short. That could be since the entire battle was crammed into one paragraph though. Space out the battle into multiple paragraphs, and put the same effort into describing the moves that you put into describing everything else. That will add length to future battles you do, and make it a lot easier to read than a wall of text.

Outcome - This was close… but I decided on Vulpix Captured! You had some grammatical problems, and the battle could have used some more work, so keep that in mind for future stories. Work on that comma usage to avoid the run-on sentences, and proof-read your story. Just because spell-check says a word isn’t misspelled doesn’t mean it’s in the right context, and the only way to catch those are by proof-reading.
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Old 03-27-2007, 02:10 AM
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Default Re: The Fire Cruise

Thank you, also yes I know cammas are my enemy. I hat.e them so, and they ha,te me, but I am trying to cut down on camma usage. And so I have been told about rushing, lol. I have taken a while to review, and read over my grades and find what is the main thing, or things. They are Camma Usage, and Rushing in alot of places. That is why it has been a while (for me) since I have made another story, to make it a good one and make graders think that I am listening to them. My next story al though is coming up very soon, so HURRA! Again thank you for grading ^^.
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