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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-27-2007, 04:17 PM
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Default Mankey Buisiness

Mankey Buisiness
By Leman


There was a quick rustle, and then another. There was a quick flash of a yellowy brown hair. Pidgeotto looked up from its afternoon snack. Three and a half banana lay at her feet. She shuffled, and looked around the forest, for the source of the sound. Near the base of one of the many Banyan trees, she spotted something. It was a small Pokemon, with one arm, and an eye poking out from behind the tree. The Pokemon was covered in golden brown fur. It disappeared hastily.

Pidgeotto heard the quick pitter-patter of feet, race around her. She whipped her head around to catch another glimpse of the Pokemon. She stayed alert, for some time, and then went back to her bananas. Suddenly, there was more scurrying and scratching. Pidgeotto quickly picked up its head, and glanced around, trying to find out what the source of the noise was.

Suddenly there was a screech from the treetops behind her. “Maaaaaankyyy!” it screeched.

Pidgeotto whipped itself around, to see a large yellow, pig-monkey Pokemon leap from the trees with its two long arms raised. It landed right next to her and brought its two arms down on Pidgeotto’s back. Pidgeotto cried out into the forest. A couple of small Taillow flew off from a branch.

Mankey leaned back, picked up its foot, and thrust it into Pidgeotto’s wing. There was a loud snap, as the wing broke. Pidgeotto howled in pain. As Mankey pulled its foot back to strike again, Pidgeotto took action. It whirled its good wing around, and smacked Mankey in its face. The monkey was thrown back, into a tree.

It got up slowly; a vein was throbbing horribly in its left temple. The small ball of energy raced over to the injured bird, and launched a quick barrage of furious kicks at his opponent. Pidgotto, who had begun to hobble over into the forest, was suddenly hit with the kicks, and thrown to the ground. The bird cried out, again, and tried to hobble out of the clearing.

Mankey was brutal. It did not stop attacking the poor bird even though it seemed to be begging for mercy. Suddenly, there was a swooshing sound from the sky. An even larger bird appeared from the sky. This one, resembled Pidgeotto in every way, except it was larger, and the feathers on its head were large.

The bird swooped down and quickly whipped up a gust of spiraling winds at the smaller foe. Mankey was picked up, and hurled into another thick Banyan tree. He groaned, and rubbed its head.

The larger bird put its claws around the injured bird, making sure that it did not damage the already broken wing. It rose up into the air, screeched at Mankey who, got up, and raced underneath the bird. It jumped up and down, screeching at the large bird. Mankey picked up a large yellow banana and threw it at the bird, as it took off into the trees.

Mankey sat down, finally calmed from its rage. It picked up a banana, took a bite. It looked around the forest. The ground was covered in a short, mossy grass that was very soft. The same grass covered the many trees in the area. Mankey knew each tree was about six or seven feet in diameter. There were large, green, leafy, ferns that hid delicious bugs. The sky was nearly invisible, but where you could see it, it was a dull grey, like it would look like on a day before a storm.

Mankey had quickly eaten all three of the bananas. Mankey would do anything to get at these bananas. Delicious and tasty, someone with the small fruit could make Mankey do almost anything to get its fury little hands on them. If that person took to long to get them to Mankey, he would attack viscously. Pidgeotto on the other hand, Mankey had learned, were greedy, and would not share. He knew that he had to fight to get them. Unfortunately for Mankey, bananas did not grow in the dense forests of India. He would usually have to take them from travelers.

After finishing, Mankey got up and began to scurry around the forest, in search of something to do. He scampered through trees, with little change in the scenery. Every now and then, he stopped to sleep, or got distracted by a group of ants, but he kept on traveling. Mankey didn’t really know where he was going, or why he was going there, but he figured that he had nothing better to do.

One night, after about three days of scurrying, scampering, and running, Mankey heard something. It was a gruff mans voice, and came from the other side of the tree Mankey was leaning on

“Ugg, I’m so glad were done luggin’ that crate for so long. I think that those crazed Aipom are finally done chasin’ us. I need to get some sleep. Combusken watch the bananas,” said the voice.

At the word, “banana”, Mankey tensed up. He was over come with an overwhelming desire to eat every single one of those bananas.

“Busken!” said a Pokemon, behind him.

Mankey leapt out from behind the tree, suddenly, and kicked a Pokemon in the shin. The Pokemon he had hit, turned out to be a three-foot tall, orange pokemon, which resembled a chicken. It had feathers, beak, and scaly legs, but it had claws on its arms, and no wings. I stood up right, on both of its three-toed feet.

Upon kicking the chicken-fighter, Mankey grabbed its leg, and howled in pain. The scales were amazingly tough. As he was howling, Combusken pulled back one of its arms, which had four long, sharp claws, and brought it down, in a quick swiping motion. The claws raked Mankey’s face, who began to wail even louder. Four long, red gashes appeared on its face.

Mankey snorted like an angry bull. He quickly trusted three quick jabs into Combusken’s stomach. The fowl easily stepped sideways, and out of the path of the first two strikes. The third one, however hit Combusken in the kidney. It was stunned for a bit, marveling how the small monkey like Pokemon could pack a punch. Mankey followed with a high roundhouse kick to the stomach. Combusken doubled over in pain, and fell on to the ground. It rolled over on to its back.

Mankey began to swipe at its face. Combusken breathed in, as the first strike hit its face. A small cut appeared, as Combusken exhaled a great stream of flames. They covered Mankey’s body and burnt him. Mankey howled, screeched, and fell backward. Its body was charred, and black.

Combusken got up, and hovered over Mankey menacingly. It raised one of its arms, and then brought it down, with amazing force. As the claw neared Mankey’s face, Mankey picked up its feet, and hit it in the stomach.

Combusken stopped. It doubled over in pain again, and then flopped to the ground. Mankey got up slowly, aching a little, and hopped over to Combusken. It looked at the fowl-fighter, and quickly presumed that it would not be getting up for a while.

Happily, Mankey hopped over to a large wooden crate marked, ”Bananas”. Mankey grabbed the box and wrenched it open. Hundred of the delectable yellow fruit poured out of the box, and fell on top of him. Mankey groaned in pain, but then quickly began to eat the long yellow fruit. Peels started to accumulate next to Mankey. As Mankey ate, this large pile started to grow, and grow, until after about an hour the pile was bigger than Mankey itself, and he had not finished a quarter of the bananas, but he could not eat any more.

The crate was in a small clearing in the forest, and dark looming clouds hung overhead. There was a medium sized orange tent set up a couple feet away. It looked big enough to house three average sized men, and two larger ones. The rest of the campsite was empty, except for vegetation, and Combusken’s unconscious body.

Mankey lay down on top of his pile of bananas after finishing all that he could. He began to doze off, when heard the voice again. It was the gruff man’s voice. He sounded refreshed, and seemed to be talking to someone.

“Ahhh, I feel refreshed, and rarin’ to go! How about you Machamp? Lets go check on Combusken. Lets hope our banana’s haven’t been stolen, or the boss’s Infernapes and Primeapes are gonna eat us instead!” said the man in a very happy, lighthearted tone, as he walked outside

The man was a large man, weighing over at least 250 pounds, even though he was only five and a half fee tall. He was wearing a yellow jacket, and deep blue pants. He had a short beard and mustache, with short black hair. His expression was very happy, as if he was looking forward to getting something, and he knew that he would get it soon, with lots of praise along with it. He was humming happily also.

His Pokemon, Machamp was the size of an average sized man, and covered with muscle. He had tough, grey skin, and was wearing a large shiny belt around its waist. It had four, muscular arms, and a yellow mouth. The arms looked as though Machamp would be able to hold a Snorlax with hand, and still have enough energy to hurl them all at least 100 feet.

When the large man spotted Combusken, he stopped. His expression changed from being very happy, and light hearted, to suspicious wary, and when he saw Mankey, and the pile of banana peels, it turned into fury.

“STUPID MONKEY!” he roared, “The boss will eat me for breakfast if I don’t have all of those bananas!” He stopped screaming for a second, and quickly came up with an ingenious plan, “But, you my little friend just might save us,” he said, chuckling at the thought of not being eaten by his boss for breakfast.

The large man took out a small white and red sphere from his pocket. Mankey knew what these spheres did. He knew that they took Pokemon from the forest, and those Pokemon never appeared again. Mankey did not know what would happen if they took you, but he had always thought that the people turn them into lifeless slaves!

Mankey jumped off of the pile of fruit, and hopped up and down in front of the man and his Machamp, getting ready to defend himself.

“Machamp, use Karate Chop!” bellowed the hefty man.

Machamp drew one of his four humongous arms back, and brought it down on top Mankey’s head. Mankey leapt away from the chop, and Machamp’s hand sliced into the ground. A long incision was left where his hand used to be.

Mankey quickly took his opportunity, and hit Machamp repeatedly with his small, powerful fists. As the fists collided with Machamp’s hard muscle, there was “Clanging” sound, like the one Mankey would here when he would punch metal pots or pans. After the fifth punch, Mankey howled in pain. Machamp’s muscle was hard as a rock, and the large fighter seemed unfazed.

Instead, Machamp tried to hit the small Pokemon again, with its Karate Chop attack. He brought all four of his long, muscular arms up, and then they came smashing down on top of the unsuspecting Mankey. Mankey was thrown head first into the ground. He groaned and tried to stand up.

“Low Kick, Machamp!” said the hefty man from the sidelines. He was jumping up and down with glee; he knew he had won.

Machamp brought his foot back like a professional soccer player, and Mankey was like the soccer ball. The large muscular foot hit Mankey on the head, while he was still face down. Mankey yelped as he was kicked, and thrown into a nearby tree, which cracked with force of the blow. Mankey slid down the base of the tree, and onto the soft ground.

“Machamp, finish it with Dynamic Punch!” cried the hefty man.

Machamp walked over to Mankey, who was clearly unconscious. He pulled his fist back, and then thrusted it into Mankey’s face. Machamp’s punch made a Mankey sized dent in the tree’s trunk, and Mankey slumped over.

“Yes!” cried the hefty man. He took the sphere in his hand, and threw it at the unconscious Mankey.

Mankey was engulfed in red light, and the ball landed in the indent that Machamp had made by hitting Mankey. It began to wiggle.


Pokemon to catch: Mankey
Characters needed: 10k
Characters w/spaces: 11.5k
Characters w/out spaces: 9.5k
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I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)



Last edited by Leman; 03-27-2007 at 07:34 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-27-2007, 07:34 PM
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Default Re: Mankey Buisiness

Ha... I'd like to point out that according to your counts, spaces are worth -1 character. Also, I'll edit in a grade shortly.
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  #3  
Old 03-27-2007, 07:35 PM
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Default Re: Mankey Buisiness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
Ha... I'd like to point out that according to your counts, spaces are worth -1 character. Also, I'll edit in a grade shortly.
Oops, sorry. Copied that from another story and didn't bother to check which one was with spaces, and which one wasn't.
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I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)


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  #4  
Old 03-27-2007, 08:03 PM
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Default Re: Mankey Buisiness

Hmmn, OK, here's the grade:

Story:
This was a joy to read. Really, it’s a pretty simple concept but it’s a novel one I haven’t seen much of in the past. It was great to see how the Mankey’s short fuse and mischievous nature finally caught up to it in the end, when the trainer captured it. I would have liked to see more of the trainer’s character reflected in your story, but this is a tale about a wild Pokemon and its time in the forest, so that’s not a major issue at all. Good work, I say.

Detail:
One thing I really liked was your use of real-world conventions. For example, you mentioned a Pokemon being kicked in the kidney, which is something a lot of people don’t really think about. It puts a whole new spin on it to give Pokemon some sense of realistic biology. The Pidgeotto’s wing breaking, too, was a good example of this. However, on the linguistic side of things I did notice you repeating some words in your descriptions. Rather than saying “except it was larger, and the feathers on its head were large” I’d say “except it was larger and had an impressive plumage”, something like that to help it flow. Otherwise, your imagery was spot-on.

Grammar/Spelling:
This was your biggest area for improvement, but it was by no means dire. The flaws were definitely minor, but they tended to recur a few times throughout the story. You have a tendency to over punctuate, especially when it comes to commas. The comma here isn’t at all necessary: “There was a loud snap, as the wing broke.” Just look out for when you’re separating clauses. Be careful, too, of typing errors such as “Pidgotto” and missing the “s” from “bananas” right at the beginning. Look out for the red and green wiggles! I’m talking, of course, about Microsoft Word.

Length:
Yeah, sure, it’s plenty, this is fine.

Battle:
One great aspect of “Mankey Business” was that it was a constant battle, more or less. While the trainer only entered at the end, your potential new recruit was beating stuff up for the whole story, which was sneaky as it meant it was weaker for when you made the attempted capture. You avoided just spewing out move names and really gave some detail into what each Pokemon was doing, so well done. It was definitely enjoyable. I would expect Machamp to at least have suffered a bruise or two, but then, it is a lot tougher than the wild Pokemon.

Outcome:
Mankey captured! It’s nice to see something a little different, and I think you did this well. Next time, though, I’d like to see you develop your grammar just that little bit more.
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  #5  
Old 03-28-2007, 04:16 PM
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Default Re: Mankey Buisiness

Yes!!!! Thank you Finch. I'll work on my grammar in the next stories.
__________________
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Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)


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