Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-16-2007, 06:26 PM
Jose's Avatar
Jose Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: mexico
Posts: 6,050
Send a message via AIM to Jose Send a message via MSN to Jose Send a message via Yahoo to Jose
Default Trying with a Tailow

The Johto League Silver Conference. For the longest time I had hoped I would win it, now my dreams have been crushed. After losing in the second round I began to travel the world once again. After three long days and three long nights my travels brought me to the quite town of Littleroot. What did I really hope to accomplish traveling around the world? I had no idea. Maybe it was so that I could understand Pokemon more, who knows...



I closed my journal and headed to my room in the Pokemon Center. It had been a long day. I decided what I would do tomorrow. Perhaps I could take the gym challenge? Who knows, I said aloud while entering my room and falling asleep even before his head hit the bed…

The sun shone through the window in his small sized room. After a long night sleep Jose slowly got out of bed and got dressed. He was about 11 years of age. He loved skateboarding a lot but, he loved Pokemon even more. He had medium length black hair and blue eyes. He put on his favorite black short sleeve shirt and his blue jeans.

He packed up his stuff and left his room. He had decided he would travel to Petalburg city. There was a gym leader there or so he was told by Nurse Joy.

“Will you like to stay again tonight?” Nurse Joy asked, directing her question at Jos.

“No, I will be traveling to Petalburg city. But thanks for the offer.” He replied, though another night in a bed sounded better than another night on the ground.

“Oh, ok. Good luck!”

“Thanks Joy.” He quickly left the Center wanting to start his new journey rather then talk to Nurse Joy.

Littleroot was a great place to be. Kids playing together, everyone living in harmony. If anyone ever decided to destroy a place as beautiful as this he would not hunt them down until they were stopped.

Suddenly a big wind started to rise and everyone was blown backwards. This was no ordinary wind, he thought. He looked up in the sky and there was the source of the wind, it was Team Rocket!

“Meowth, that’s right!” Was all he could hear of Team Rocket’s famous song over all the panic of the towns people.
Suddenly the wind was reversed and everything was being sucked into a big machine on the bottom of Team Rocket’s balloon.

Jos looked over and saw a kid holding onto his Oddish as tight as he could, not wanting it to get taken away by the disgraceful trio. He had to do something, he wasn’t about to let this kid lose his Pokemon because Team Rocket thought they deserved all the world’s Pokemon.

The Oddish slipped out of the kids hands and flew towards the giant wind generating machine.

“Go, Ralts! Ralts go towards that Oddish!” Ralts looked at his trainer as if to say, “Are you nuts!” But he knew his trainer had a plan so it let go of its grip on the ground and flew towards Oddish.

Then an boy sent out Ivysaur. “Ivysaur use your Vinewhip to grab onto Ralts!” Just as Ralts grabbed onto Oddish, Ivysaur’s Vinewhip wrapped around the both of them and started to pull them in.

Then a flock of Taillows were being dragged into the machine.

There’s no way I could possibly save all those Taillows at once, he thought. He handed the kid his Oddish and instructed him to go inside his home as it would be safer there.

“Ivysaur, use Vinewhip and try to save some of those Taillows!”Said the kid. Ivysaur’s Vinewhip shot forward but only managed to grab on of the Taillows. It pulled the Taillow out of the machine.

Jos and his Pokemon, and Taillow hide behind a building so that the wind couldn’t pull them in.

The Taillow bowed its head at around then looked at him and said something which he could not understand.

Then he realized what Taillow wanted to do. Jos figured that Taillow wanted to peck the balloon which would then make it fall to the ground and hopefully shut the machine off. It was a good idea but he needed at distraction. Then he set off to work.

“Taillow when we distract Team Rocket fly around the balloon from the back so the machine doesn’t suck you up and peck it, ok?”

The Taillow nodded his head.

Jos, and the boy Ivysaur went back in the winds direction not sure if Taillow fully understood the plan, but they didn't have alternative.

Ralts already knew what Jos was planning, and he was surprised by that. Jos jumped right into the wind but then Ivysaur used Vinewhip to hold onto the bear Pokemon so that Team Rocket couldn’t take it.As an order from the boy.

“Full power James!” Meowth commanded his human friend.

Suddenly the power of the wind increased and Ivysaur tried to pull back Ralts but it was no use, it was heading towards the machine bit by bit. Then in an instant the balloon came tumbling to the ground and the machine was shut off.

“Great job, Taillow!” Jos congratulated the Pokemon and was glad it knew what to do.

Then, the small bird Pokemon launched at gust of wind towards the evil trio and sent them packing!

“Team Rockets blasting off again!” They all said in unison.

Then the Taillow flew towards Ralts and said something to it in Pokemon language. Ralts understood it and the Jos , at the same time. Taillow wanted to battle Jos, and if he won Taillow join him team.

“You’re on Taillow!” He replied, excited that he would be getting a new Pokemon on his team.

Taillow lunged towards Ralts and then suddenly made itself into three copies.

“The double team technique…” He said, “Ralts use Psyquick and blow one by one away!

Ralts did as its trainer commanded. Taillows were dissapearing unto he hit the original one.

Taillow launched at Wing attack towards Ralts at top speed! Ralts was sure his trainer said something to him but he could make it out. He jumped to the left, Taillows wing just narrowly missing him but Taillow came back with another Wing attack. This time Ralts didn’t have enough time to dodge and was hit dead on.

“Ralts use an full power psyquick!” Jos knew it was a sunny day outside and Taillow would use it to his advantage. Before Taillow could come around again with another wing attack Ralts launched the attack and Taillow, hitting it right on as it had done to him just seconds ago he reached the sunset.

“Taillow, Taillow!” The Pokemon screamed in pain.

Taillow stood right infront of Ralts, and didn’t move a muscle.

“Ralts use an full power Magical Leaf attack!” He commanded, wondering what Taillow was planning.

After about a minute of charging the magical Leaf launced it, directly at Taillow. The leafs connected with the Taillow, who didn’t even make a move to dodge the attack. The weakened Taillow fell to the ground, but then lifted its head up and leaved from the Magical Leaf attack at Ralts!

Jos didn’t know what to do or how Taillow used Magical Leaf but he needed to counter with something. “Ralts use an Magical Leaf and make it contrarest wingul's attack! The two blasts connected and Taillow’s blasted right through Ralts and hit him dead on.

The two Pokemon fell to the ground, both on there last ounce of energy.

“Pokeball, go!” Jos decided now was as good a time as any and threw the ball.

Coments please!!!
__________________

Last edited by Jose; 12-19-2007 at 04:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-16-2007, 08:06 PM
Woodchuck's Avatar
Woodchuck Offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,120
Send a message via MSN to Woodchuck Send a message via Skype™ to Woodchuck
Default Re: Trying with a Tailow Comments Please

Sorry for the delay. Here it is:

Introduction: An introduction is meant to A. Give us a clear description of what the main character and setting look like, and B. Provide the reader with a “hook” to get them interested in the story.

You did a sort of a half-way job on the first part. I gained a good idea of what Jose looked like, but you didn’t describe the setting at all. Go all out to give the reader a good mental picture of where the story takes place. Describe buildings, trees, the sky, and anything else you can think of to give an idea of what the scene looks like.

The “hook” was, no doubt, when Team Rocket began to suck everything into the vacuum. While this did make me want to read more of the story, the way it occurred seemed kind of farfetched. Make sure you always give a reason for everything that happens in the story. I just found it odd that Team Rocket would show up immediately after Jose had thought about people destroying peaceful places. Try to make your stories seem a bit more realistic in the future.

Story/Plot: Boy decides to take the Hoenn gym challenge after he loses the Silver Conference. He wakes up, goes outside, and Team Rocket attacks. He meets a Taillow who wants to help bring down the trio. After the ordeal, he and Taillow do battle.

Well, it’s certainly nothing too interesting, but I suppose it’ll do for a Pokemon like Taillow. In the future, try to make the plot make complete sense. Why did Team Rocket just happen to choose Littleroot as the spot for their attack? Why did Taillow want to help bring down Team Rocket? Why did Taillow suddenly want to battle after the whole ordeal was over? It’s never a good idea to leave your reader asking questions after they read your story, unless you’re doing it on purpose so that you can reveal the answers in later stories. If you do this, please say so at the beginning or end of the story thread. Read through your stories a few times after you write them and ask yourself this question: “If I hadn’t written this, would I be able to see how everything fits together?” The important thing about the plot of a story is not that you know what’s going on, it’s that your reader be able to know what’s going on.

On a slightly different note, you’ll want to make sure that your plot never grows boring. Think outside the box and write a story that’s never been done before. Also, never be afraid to add some twists to the story, as this will make the plot “thicken”. Go ahead and trick your reader into thinking that you’re taking the story one way, and then BAM! Switch gears and go in a whole new direction.

Also, you might argue, “Well, this will get more interesting. It’s all part of a much bigger story!” That’s fine, but you need to make sure that all of the little parts of the big story are interesting. Otherwise, the stories will have trouble passing individually. That’s how we grade: Not by how the big story is overall. But by each individual story. Just keep that in mind.

Finally, if you’re going to go for more advanced Pokemon, your plots will need to be much more interesting and in-depth. Fit the story to the difficulty of the Pokemon. If you were to write a story like this for a Complex or Demanding level Pokemon, it wouldn’t stand a chance of passing. You’re going to need to brainstorm and think of an incredible plot when you’re going for say, Dragonite. If you’re going for a Caterpie or something, well, you might want to save your better ideas for harder Pokemon.

Grammar/Spelling: I’m just going to show you some examples of the major mistakes that I found, but it’s up to you to find the rest, okay?
Quote:
“I closed my journal and headed to my room in the Pokemon Center. It had been a long day. I decided what I would do tomorrow. Perhaps I could take the gym challenge? Who knows, he said aloud while entering his room and falling asleep even before his head hit the bed…”

This is an example of switching persons. You change from using “I” to using “he”. You should always stick with one or the other. “I” is in the first person, while “he” is in the third person. As those are the most popular persons, you’ll usually want to write with those. Very few books are written in second person, so I won’t explain that. Just stick to the two I mentioned.

“…in his small sized room.”

This should be written “small-sized”. Any time you describe the size of something “small-sized”, “large-sized” you need to hyphenate the words.

“He packed up his stuff and left his room. He had decided he would travel to Petalburg city.”

Here, you switched tenses. When you put “had” next to “He”, it made the following sentence Past-Perfect. The first sentence, however, is just Past tense. While it’s okay to switch tenses (sometimes) when you start a new paragraph, you should usually just stick with one. Most people write in either Present tense or Past tense, so you might want to just use those for now.

“Then an boy sent out released Ivysaur.”

This should be, “Then a boy sent out/released Ivysaur”. When you describe nouns like “boy” with an article (a or an), you need to make sure you use the right one. Use “a” when the noun begins with a consonant like “b” or “d”, and only use “an” when the noun begins with a vowel like “a” or “o”.

“Jos, Teddiursa and Ivysaur went back in the winds direction not sure if Taillow fully understood the plan.”

This was just something odd that I noticed. You never mentioned Teddiursa before this point. You need to proofread your stories and make sure everything makes sense. Don’t stick random characters in as if they’ve been there the whole time when it’s the first time you’ve mentioned them.
Just proofread your future stories. Anything that doesn’t look right? Your best bet is to take a guess and try to fix it. The graders will help you with anything you just don’t understand. Also, try asking your parents for help. They can sometimes have a lot of good advice.

Oh, and if you can write on a Word Processor like Microsoft Word, it has two nifty features: “Grammar Check” and “Spell Check”. Now, the program isn’t always right, but most of the time, you’re better off doing what it says. Also keep in mind that the program won’t catch everything, so proofreading is still a good idea.



Detail/Description: There wasn’t a great amount of detail in your story. You might think description is insignificant. Well, if you have that attitude, I can tell you that you’ll have a hard time writing a passable story in the future. If you just forgot to add in details, then go back and write them in. Details spice up a story, in that they A. Give the reader a brilliantly clear picture of what is happening in the story, and B. Make you seem much more intelligent.

Word choice is important to a story also. Don’t continue to use the same tired words over and over in your story. For instance, if I’m describing a wild animal, but I use “the animal did this” in every sentence, people reading it are going to get bored quick. But if I use words like “beast” or “monster” to describe the scene, people might be more apt to read.

I find that a Thesaurus is a good choice if you’re having trouble thinking of different words to use. It will give you a list of synonyms, and a lot of them will help you write a more diverse story.

Length: The length is fine. Don’t ever be afraid to go over the margin set for you, though. If the maximum requirement is 10k, write 13k. We graders love to see extra effort on the part of the writer. It makes you seem like a more competent and adept person.

Also, if your story is weak in any way, you’ll definitely want to go way over the minimum mark. A slightly weak Simple story with, say, 5,090 characters is probably not going to pass. If the writer were to bump it up to maybe 8k or 9k, it would stand a better chance at passing. Now, length alone won’t always save you. So just remember to go over your stories more than once, and make sure everything looks great.

This last thing works in reverse, also. If you’re story is very strong, and virtually perfect in every way, then you may not need to even hit the minimum mark. A great Hard (20k to 30k) story could end up having 17k, and it still might pass, just because it was written so well.

Length isn’t one of the things that is graded too hard, so worry more about improving your story than making it meet the length requirements.

Battle: Well, the battle was certainly long enough, no doubt about that. It wasn’t at all one-sided, so that’s a plus also. The only real problem is that it just wasn’t quite detailed enough. Describe your attacks in full, right down to the effects they have on the environment.

Also, never be afraid to use the setting to make the battle more exciting. A battle that takes place on the ground can get boring. But a battle that takes the reader soaring through the skies, or underwater is going to get you a better chance at a capture.

Finally, when going for a capture, make sure to fit the length of the battle to the level of the Pokemon. For a Demanding level Pokemon, your battle will need to be long, exciting, long, in-depth, long, and long. Keep in mind though, that a detailed battle can get more points than a long, but boring one.

Outcome: Taillow not captured. I’m sorry, but I can’t quite pass this just yet. Just fix up a few of the grammatical errors, and add some more description to the story. I don’t want to rewrite the entire thing. Just make sure you do some “redecorating” on it. After you fix it up, you may ask for a regrade, and I’ll be happy to oblige.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
__________________

"Because without Twitter... You're f*cking nothing. Your life is just a burnt-out shell. You're like a husk."

Last edited by Woodchuck; 12-19-2007 at 02:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-19-2007, 03:53 PM
Jose's Avatar
Jose Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: mexico
Posts: 6,050
Send a message via AIM to Jose Send a message via MSN to Jose Send a message via Yahoo to Jose
Default Re: Trying with a Tailow Comments Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by tyvoke View Post
Sorry for the delay. Here it is:

Introduction: An introduction is meant to A. Give us a clear description of what the main character and setting look like, and B. Provide the reader with a “hook” to get them interested in the story.

You did a sort of a half-way job on the first part. I gained a good idea of what Jose looked like, but you didn’t describe the setting at all. Go all out to give the reader a good mental picture of where the story takes place. Describe buildings, trees, the sky, and anything else you can think of to give an idea of what the scene looks like.

The “hook” was, no doubt, when Team Rocket began to suck everything into the vacuum. While this did make me want to read more of the story, the way it occurred seemed kind of farfetched. Make sure you always give a reason for everything that happens in the story. I just found it odd that Team Rocket would show up immediately after Jose had thought about people destroying peaceful places. Try to make your stories seem a bit more realistic in the future.

Story/Plot: Boy decides to take the Hoenn gym challenge after he loses the Silver Conference. He wakes up, goes outside, and Team Rocket attacks. He meets a Taillow who wants to help bring down the trio. After the ordeal, he and Taillow do battle.

Well, it’s certainly nothing too interesting, but I suppose it’ll do for a Pokemon like Taillow. In the future, try to make the plot make complete sense. Why did Team Rocket just happen to choose Littleroot as the spot for their attack? Why did Taillow want to help bring down Team Rocket? Why did Taillow suddenly want to battle after the whole ordeal was over? It’s never a good idea to leave your reader asking questions after they read your story, unless you’re doing it on purpose so that you can reveal the answers in later stories. If you do this, please say so at the beginning or end of the story thread. Read through your stories a few times after you write them and ask yourself this question: “If I hadn’t written this, would I be able to see how everything fits together?” The important thing about the plot of a story is not that you know what’s going on, it’s that your reader be able to know what’s going on.

On a slightly different note, you’ll want to make sure that your plot never grows boring. Think outside the box and write a story that’s never been done before. Also, never be afraid to add some twists to the story, as this will make the plot “thicken”. Go ahead and trick your reader into thinking that you’re taking the story one way, and then BAM! Switch gears and go in a whole new direction.

Also, you might argue, “Well, this will get more interesting. It’s all part of a much bigger story!” That’s fine, but you need to make sure that all of the little parts of the big story are interesting. Otherwise, the stories will have trouble passing individually. That’s how we grade: Not by how the big story is overall. But by each individual story. Just keep that in mind.

Finally, if you’re going to go for more advanced Pokemon, your plots will need to be much more interesting and in-depth. Fit the story to the difficulty of the Pokemon. If you were to write a story like this for a Complex or Demanding level Pokemon, it wouldn’t stand a chance of passing. You’re going to need to brainstorm and think of an incredible plot when you’re going for say, Dragonite. If you’re going for a Caterpie or something, well, you might want to save your better ideas for harder Pokemon.

Grammar/Spelling: I’m just going to show you some examples of the major mistakes that I found, but it’s up to you to find the rest, okay?


Just proofread your future stories. Anything that doesn’t look right? Your best bet is to take a guess and try to fix it. The graders will help you with anything you just don’t understand. Also, try asking your parents for help. They can sometimes have a lot of good advice.

Oh, and if you can write on a Word Processor like Microsoft Word, it has two nifty features: “Grammar Check” and “Spell Check”. Now, the program isn’t always right, but most of the time, you’re better off doing what it says. Also keep in mind that the program won’t catch everything, so proofreading is still a good idea.



Detail/Description: There wasn’t a great amount of detail in your story. You might think description is insignificant. Well, if you have that attitude, I can tell you that you’ll have a hard time writing a passable story in the future. If you just forgot to add in details, then go back and write them in. Details spice up a story, in that they A. Give the reader a brilliantly clear picture of what is happening in the story, and B. Make you seem much more intelligent.

Word choice is important to a story also. Don’t continue to use the same tired words over and over in your story. For instance, if I’m describing a wild animal, but I use “the animal did this” in every sentence, people reading it are going to get bored quick. But if I use words like “beast” or “monster” to describe the scene, people might be more apt to read.

I find that a Thesaurus is a good choice if you’re having trouble thinking of different words to use. It will give you a list of synonyms, and a lot of them will help you write a more diverse story.

Length: The length is fine. Don’t ever be afraid to go over the margin set for you, though. If the maximum requirement is 10k, write 13k. We graders love to see extra effort on the part of the writer. It makes you seem like a more competent and adept person.

Also, if your story is weak in any way, you’ll definitely want to go way over the minimum mark. A slightly weak Simple story with, say, 5,090 characters is probably not going to pass. If the writer were to bump it up to maybe 8k or 9k, it would stand a better chance at passing. Now, length alone won’t always save you. So just remember to go over your stories more than once, and make sure everything looks great.

This last thing works in reverse, also. If you’re story is very strong, and virtually perfect in every way, then you may not need to even hit the minimum mark. A great Hard (20k to 30k) story could end up having 17k, and it still might pass, just because it was written so well.

Length isn’t one of the things that is graded too hard, so worry more about improving your story than making it meet the length requirements.

Battle: Well, the battle was certainly long enough, no doubt about that. It wasn’t at all one-sided, so that’s a plus also. The only real problem is that it just wasn’t quite detailed enough. Describe your attacks in full, right down to the effects they have on the environment.

Also, never be afraid to use the setting to make the battle more exciting. A battle that takes place on the ground can get boring. But a battle that takes the reader soaring through the skies, or underwater is going to get you a better chance at a capture.

Finally, when going for a capture, make sure to fit the length of the battle to the level of the Pokemon. For a Demanding level Pokemon, your battle will need to be long, exciting, long, in-depth, long, and long. Keep in mind though, that a detailed battle can get more points than a long, but boring one.

Outcome: Taillow not captured. I’m sorry, but I can’t quite pass this just yet. Just fix up a few of the grammatical errors, and add some more description to the story. I don’t want to rewrite the entire thing. Just make sure you do some “redecorating” on it. After you fix it up, you may ask for a regrade, and I’ll be happy to oblige.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
I will fix them but please look at my location and all will be good.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-19-2007, 09:06 PM
Woodchuck's Avatar
Woodchuck Offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,120
Send a message via MSN to Woodchuck Send a message via Skype™ to Woodchuck
Default Re: Trying with a Tailow Comments Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by joangaes View Post
I will fix them but please look at my location and all will be good.
I realise that you're of Mexican descent, and that is no doubt a handicap to you. But my job is to help you become a better writer, not to sugarcoat things. Just take my advice, (and all the advice that the other graders give you) and you should do just fine in the future. You definitely have potential. Also, nobody's a bad writer, it just takes time and practice to improve. So just keep plugging away, and you'll be able to write a passable story every time.

Final outcome: Taillow captured! Enjoy the midnight blue avian!
__________________

"Because without Twitter... You're f*cking nothing. Your life is just a burnt-out shell. You're like a husk."
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-19-2007, 09:57 PM
Jose's Avatar
Jose Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: mexico
Posts: 6,050
Send a message via AIM to Jose Send a message via MSN to Jose Send a message via Yahoo to Jose
Default Re: Trying with a Tailow Comments Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by tyvoke View Post
I realise that you're of Mexican descent, and that is no doubt a handicap to you. But my job is to help you become a better writer, not to sugarcoat things. Just take my advice, (and all the advice that the other graders give you) and you should do just fine in the future. You definitely have potential. Also, nobody's a bad writer, it just takes time and practice to improve. So just keep plugging away, and you'll be able to write a passable story every time.

Final outcome: Taillow captured! Enjoy the midnight blue avian!
Oh you notice I corrected the mistakes!
Thanks!
My first URPG pokemon of story!
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:02 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com