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Old 03-28-2008, 12:26 AM
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Default The Lesson of the Ninja

The Lesson of the Ninja

Pokemon Aiming For:
Length: 15,556 (without spaces)

It was so simple. All he had to do was drop down from the tree and jerk the necklace off. At that very moment, he would throw the necklace and his twin, Chisato, would catch it and run off to their hiding place. There was no way this plan could go wrong! The student tied the bungee chords properly to his ankles. They would let him drop down, take the necklace from his sensei, and throw it to Chisato. He heard a voice near the door inside the dojo. Their sensei was coming!

“Chisato, are you ready?”

He saw a small flash from the bushes: the mirror he had given her for her birthday was being used as a signal by reflecting the sunlight off the glass. Three flashes. She was all set. A snicker escaped the boy. This was going to be great!

The door opened. A tall, toned man dressed in tight, khaki pants and a black sleeveless shirt that stretched across his torso stepped out of the dojo. His blue eyes shifted this way and that suspiciously. Usually, the two brats were playing in the mud or chasing the dojo’s mascot, Buneary, around with sticks. A gloved hand combed through messy, green hair as the older man yawned. He was ready for this vacation.

He sure is taking his time,’ the young boy growled. ‘Hurry up, Sensei!

The man did indeed take his time. Right where he stood, he took a good, long stretch. It was time to relax. The man only had two days. What on earth would he do during this vacation? Someone else would be taking care of the brats and he’d be completely alone.

Heh. I’ll take a woman out. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.

For sixteen years, he’d quit the nasty habit of smoking. Recent events drove him back to it. The nicotine relieved the stress. The ninja’s hand fiddled around in his pocket for quite some time before he managed to withdraw a packet of cigarettes. He lit up. The man was so smooth and cool when he had that cigarette in his mouth; without it, he always looked as if he was missing something. A flick of his wrist snapped his Magmar zippo shut. In the most attractive way, he exhaled smoke, slipped the cigarette back into his mouth, and proceeded along the path headed for town.


To the man’s surprise, the male brat plunged down in front of him out of nowhere. He didn’t have time to step back: the boy grabbed hold of the necklace around his neck. It was the boy’s turn to be surprised. The second his fingers clenched the Mystic Water, his wrist was gripped tightly by the man’s own hand. The boy looked up into his sensei’s eyes fearfully: what was he going to do? His sensei was unpredictable! He could easily kill him for trying to take his precious necklace! Maybe if he begged for mercy…

“I-it was Chisato’s idea!” he sputtered.

“It was not!”

The girl darted from the bushes and glared at her fraternal twin. Chisato was a lot tougher than her brother, Chojiro. Had they been of the same gender, it would have been impossible for anyone to tell them apart. Chojiro had shoulder-length brown hair that he kept tied up in a low ponytail. He always wore the normal tight, ninja pants and shirts. Chisato was a lot different: her brown hair was cut off in a boy’s haircut that spiked up somewhat and gave her just enough bangs to cover her constantly-scarred forehead. The only thing she ever dressed up in were the pants of a Hakama and bandages covering her upper torso. The only accessories she wore were a Muscle band on her left arm and a Focus band on her right. She was truly frightening when in battle.

Their sensei shifted his gaze from one child to the other, his grip on the boy being the only thing that kept Chojiro from flying back up with the stretched bungee chords. The silence between them all drew out longer and longer until, finally, the man laughed.

“You sure caught me off guard. If only you could do that during your training. The more you two practice teamwork, the better the chance you have of surviving.”

He tightened his hold on the boy’s wrist until the bones popped; the man smiled very kindly at the boy.

“You can let go now.”

Obviously, Chojiro was in pain, but he was struggling with himself to keep from flinching. He did what he could to win this mental battle between him and his sensei, but it was no use: he couldn’t inflict a lick of pain onto the man. The boy relieved the necklace of its cage within his palm and was rewarded by the release of his hand. Or so he thought it was a reward. He’d forgotten that he was attached to bungee chords. Chisato nor their sensei paid any attention as the boy flew back up into the tree. Neither of them heard the loud “OW!” that emitted from Chojiro.

“Sensei, it wasn’t my idea!”

He chuckled as he continued to casually stroll along the path, taking another suave drag from his cigarette and exhaling the smoke gradually. Chisato frowned up at him. She was about to make another futile protest against his bad habit, but the man interrupted her.

“I know, Chisato. What I would like to know is why you and your brother are so obsessed with my necklace? It’s not like it has magical powers…”

His head tilted down to gaze at the child, but he stopped when he realized she had stopped several steps behind him. The ninja blinked in confusion. Chisato had never acted like this before: she was gripping her Focus band, toes facing each other, and looked as if she was about to cry. The sight creased his lips into a frown.

What’s the matter with her? Is she sick?’ he wondered.

“Chisato! Sensei!”

Her twin came running up with the chords dragging behind his ankles. He almost reached them, but a chord flung itself up in front of his foot and tripped him. Dirt flung up around Chojiro as he skidded along the ground; Friction stopped him just short of the teacher’s sandals. Quickly, he stood up and started to dust himself off, but something was not right. He stopped and concentrated. Chisato was not scorning him for being so clumsy. When he turned around, he saw his sister crying.

“Chisato? What’s wrong with you?”

She lifted her chin and glared at her brother with tears flooding down her cheeks. He was shocked to say the least and took a step back from that glare. Chisato wasn’t sad. She was mad!

“Y-you lied to me, Chojiro! You told me that Sensei’s necklace would let me see mother!”

Chojiro froze on the spot. He could not move a muscle. This was it. His life was over! If his sister didn’t kill him, Sensei certainly would! The boy was grabbed roughly by the back of his shirt and lifted off his feet by the man. When he was turned around in midair, he found himself staring into two demonic, blue eyes. He’d only seen their Sensei this angry once, but it had never been directed towards him.

“You told your sister what?”

“I-I might’ve told her something like that.” Oh man! If he confessed, he was dead!
“H-he told me that if I helped him steal your necklace, it would show me m-my mother like a reflection in the w-water!”

The man dropped Chojiro without a hint of warning. On the ground, the boy curled up. Was sensei going to kill him? No. The teacher walked right past his male student and came to a stop in front of Chisato. She was starting to cough from crying so hard.

“Chisato,” his voice was unusually silky and kind, “come with me.”

He turned that soft gaze upon her brother, catching Chojiro off guard completely.

“You, too.”

Chojiro climbed to his feet and followed along behind the taller ninja with his sister. On their way down a hidden trail, he chanced a glance at Chisato. She still had tear stains on her cheeks, but she wasn’t crying anymore. In fact, she was trying very hard to stop pouting. He averted his gaze, though it didn’t help with the guilt he felt. It had just been a little lie. The boy had never expected to hurt her so badly… His hand flexed nervously before he reached out and took hold of Chisato’s. Over the shuffling sound of their feet moving through the grass, he could hear her sobbing and attempting to regain control of her emotions. Chojiro wanted to hug her, but their sensei stepped out of the way to reveal a quiet, hidden cemetery.

“Your mother’s grave is in the back row,” he whispered.


It was a very long visit and extremely hard on the kids to see their mother’s grave. Both of them were completely devoid of tears when they returned to the path in front of the dojo. This was where his kindness ended.

“Chojiro, as punishment for your lie, you must first apologize to your sister sincerely. Then, you must come with me.”

Sincerity was not a problem for the boy. He turned to look at his sister, held both of her hands, and stared straight into her eyes. From the very depths of his soul, he spoke.

“Onesan, I’m very, very sorry for lying to you. I wanted the necklace and I never thought that what I told you would hurt you so badly.”

Chisato glared at her brother firmly. He hardly ever called her “onesan” except when he was being completely serious, so she knew he meant it. Just how was she supposed to forgive him? He told her such a cruel lie. The girl clenched her brother’s hands in anger, but instead of yelling at him like she wanted to do she burst into tears and hugged him. Chojiro held on to her and let her cry. It didn’t take up too much time: Chisato toughened up and as she was pulling away, the boy felt pure agony in his jaw only a second before he found himself eating dirt. She’d hit him where he hadn’t expected it! Even their teacher had his eyebrows raised in astonishment.

“Don’t you ever lie to me again, onisan, or I’ll kill you!”

“Y-yes, Chisato,” he whimpered.

The older male rolled his eyes, bent down, and jerked the brat up to his feet by the back collar of his shirt. He cupped an arm on his shoulder and headed towards the dojo. So much for his vacation; it would take him hours to find a woman to take out and he’d already wasted one with the two brats. Door after door was opened as the two passed through many rooms to get to the final door with the dojo’s symbol. The boy gulped.

“Your real punishment begins, Chojiro. You must face our most respected Pokemon four years early. If you do not win, you will not be a ninja and you will be cut off from your sister.”

Chojiro glared up at his teacher, backing away from him in rage.

“Y-you can’t do that! Chisato is—I’m all that she has! You can’t separate us! That’s not fair!”

“Then, I suggest you win.”

The discussion was over. It was clear from the way his sensei turned his back, stepped forward, and opened the door to the room. Chojiro readied himself by inhaling deeply. He could not lose his sister. After everything he had just put her through, that life itself had put both of them through, he would do everything in his power to see that his sister was not alone. The determined kid didn’t look back when he crossed the threshold. It was such a final sound, the shutting of that door, almost as if it was a warning of his doom.

Chojiro carefully scanned the room for any sign of the well-respected Pokemon. It was said that this Pokemon could evolve into the fastest Pokemon in existence. The Kaze Dojo was known for its speed among all other dojos in this region of the world. They were unmatched, especially the dojo’s master. The Pokemon in this very room belonged to the Master of the Kaze Dojo. Perhaps this was what terrified Chojiro so much.

A buzzing sound drew his focus to the left. Or was it coming from the right? He couldn’t tell! What if it was a Scyther and was right behind him right now, ready to slice his head off?

No! Keep it together, Chojiro! You can’t let fear get to you! Chisato is counting on you!

The boy shook his head to clear any fears or doubts from his mind and heart. He closed his eyes, removed a kunai from the holder on his hip, and concentrated. Another buzzing sound was heard. He was sure it came from the left this time. He opened his eyes and threw the kunai at the wall to the left. Something silver flashed in the light provided by the thin windows. It was headed towards the center of the room. How was he supposed to fight something that fast?

“I have to slow it down,” he whispered to himself. “It’s just a Pokemon.”

How? How could he slow it down? There was nothing in the room to work with. He heard something clunk against the ground and whirled around, ready to strike with a fist. There was nothing there. Chojiro blinked confusedly and dropped his vision to the floor. A Pokeball? Where did that come from? He looked up to the door, but there was no sign that anyone had opened it.

An asset is an asset,’ he shrugged and knelt down to the ball, ‘I’ll have to tell sensei about this later. I wonder if this is cheating?

A loud buzzing shot past him followed instantly by a swipe that cut his cheek.

“AUGH!” he snarled. “Y-you stupid bug!”

He wrenched the Pokeball from the floor and tossed it into the air. A bright light burst from the opened device and converted from energy into the solid form of a Pokemon. The small creature shook its head.

“Buneary!” it cried happily.

“B-Buneary? Are you kidding me?! I can’t win against this thing with Buneary! It’s useless!”

Buneary turned on her heel and gazed up at Chojiro with large, tear-filled eyes. He blinked. Not a minute later, she let out a shrill cry that was joined with a burst of tears. Oh yeah, he forgot: Buneary was sensitive.

“I-it’s okay, Buneary, don’t cry! I really didn’t mean—AUGH!”

The bug had moved swiftly past him again and swiped his other cheek with its claws. He held both of his cheeks in pain and looked around the room furiously. Great, now he had to defeat a Pokemon that was too fast to see with the dojo’s over-sensitive mascot!

For Chisato!’ he told himself.

“Okay, Buneary, use…uhhh…”

Chojiro went blank. Now that he thought about it, he had no idea what attacks Buneary had. He grew frustrated. How could he win if he didn’t even know how to use his only ally?!

“Buneary, Agility!” a voice called from behind him.

He didn’t have to look. His own sister had saved him…again! Chisato ran up to his side and waited as Buneary began running around very quickly. Faster and faster, it gained both speed and momentum.

“She’s not as fast as the Master’s Pokemon, but at least this way we’ll have a better advantage than just waiting here. Buneary, listen for the Nincada! The second you hear it, keep your ears locked on it and capture it with a Foresight attack!”

Buneary continued her agile run around the room while she perked up her ears. She could hear the buzzing of the bug. Chojiro looked at his twin in awe.

“The Master’s Pokemon is a Nincada?”

“Yes. I had to face it once as punishment for skipping training. You remember that day, don’t you?”

“No,” he grumbled.

She smiled at him, a rare feat for Chisato.

“You were unconscious, that’s why. I was trying to take care of you, but I had to skip training. The Master thought it was unacceptable, so he punished me.”

“But why did you—“

“BUUNN!” the Pokemon cried.


Chisato tackled her brother to the ground, both of them barely dodging the Metal Claw that the Nincada had tried to hit them with. He groaned and sat up rubbing the back of his head. When he opened his eyes, he became paralyzed with fear. Chisato was unconscious! The Metal Claw had hit her instead of him!

No, onesan!

Buneary cried out again as a warning which Chojiro took heed of. The boy grabbed his sister’s body and rolled out of the way of the bug that jutted up from beneath the ground with its Dig attack. It disappeared with great speed all over again, but Chojiro didn’t move from his position of leaning over his unconscious sister.

“Buneary, can you see it?”

“Bun, bun!” it called out from a corner of the room.

“Then attack it! Don’t waste time! Dizzy Punch!”

The bunny locked on to the Nincada with her Foresight. He couldn’t escape, not with both her ears and eyes locked on to him. Not a second was wasted. She clenched up one ear as she ran along, powered up the Dizzy Punch, and used a wall to reflect her momentum towards the Nincada. The bug looked a moment too late: he was hit mid-torso with the Dizzy Punch and knocked hard against a wall. Buneary commenced her running to keep up her momentum while she waited for the boy to tell her what to do.

“Jump Kick!”

There was no stopping her. As she flew at another wall, she planted her feet firmly against it and launched herself from it towards the confused Nincada that was trying to get up on all fours. It swayed to and fro while she turned her body in mid-air to slam her foot into its body, but he shook his head to snap himself out of it. He jumped away and just barely managed to dodge the foot that crashed into the wall. The collision stirred up dust and even left a hole in the wall.

“Niinnn,” the bug stared at the dusty area where he had last seen the threat of Buneary.

“NOW, Buneary! Frustration!”

From the dust flew a medium-sized rock that had once been part of the wall. Nincada moved out of the way just in time, but it was stunned with amazement. The last thing the Nincada saw was Buneary’s livid expression and the forceful uncurling of both of its ears. Black out. The bug fell to the ground on its wings. If it had been awake, it might not have been able to move anyway. Buneary didn’t stop there. She turned her feet and performed a final Jump Kick that connected with the wretched Pokemon on the ground. She really was taking out her frustration caused by the two brats on this poor Pokemon. All of the anger she had once felt when the twins ran after her with sticks, pulled mean pranks on her, and were otherwise harmlessly cruel to her was pent up into her Frustration attack. When her feet landed on the ground from the flip off of the Nincada, she found herself panting and very tense.

“Great job, Buneary!”

“Bun?” She was taken aback by the compliment and showed it through a blank expression on her cute face.

“Thank you.” Chojiro smiled sweetly for the first time in ages.

The Buneary felt her face grow hot. Her chinks turned a light tinge of pink at the sight of his smile. She was flustered by his comment, expressing it by rubbing the back of her head and tapping a toe on the ground.

“Buunnn,” she giggled.

A second Pokeball rolled in to the room and stopped in front of Chisato’s body. When he looked up, he saw their sensei standing just beyond the doorway. Chojiro was confused.

“But sensei…doesn’t Nincada belong to the Dojo Master?”

“The owner of that Nincada passed away a long time ago, Chojiro. Hurry up.”

The door shut. To say the least, the boy was impressed that the Dojo had kept the bug Pokemon this long. Why would they do that? He would have to ask later. Chojiro reached over his sister’s dormant body, picked up the Pokeball, and stood up. There was a look in his eye. He would catch the Nincada and train it to protect his sister from any harm.

“Pokeball, go!”

With a swing of his arm, Chojiro chucked the ball at the weakened Nincada. The ball tapped its form, bounced back, opened, and sucked the Pokemon inside. One wiggle, two wiggle… Chojiro waited anxiously for the ding.

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Old 04-09-2008, 08:02 AM
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Default Re: The Lesson of the Ninja

*picks picket sign* Grade in Progress

EDIT: here you go!

Story/Plot: Chisato and Chojiro plan to steal their sensei's necklace. The sensei catches them and punishes Chojiro to fight the Dojo Master's Pokemon, randomly finds Buneary's Pokeball, the Dojo's mascot, and fight the Nincada using her.

It was a nice plot, more than good for a simple Pokemon. You could've tried for something higher too, in my opinion. Yet, you left some interesting holes in the line. For example, did nobody want the brats after their parents died? And why was left the Nincada (in a cage all the time?) in the Dojo? And how comes the twins didn't know where their mother's grave was? Still, it was well done.

Introduction: I never put this because I'm yet to decypher exactly what is meant for this section. I'm getting a clearer picture, however. First we know the forest( which is to my imagination actually, as there is no description.), but no time is set, past or future. Perhaps you watch too much Naruto. Anyway, the who and how are presented well, and the why is unveiled in the middle of the story.

I liked the characteriation of Chojiro, honestly. But I'd like to discredit a myth here:
Twins are NOT always identical. Therefore, if the twins are of opposite gender, they're just brothers born at the same moment, and it's unlikely that two brothers are that similiar.

Detail/Description: Nice the description of the character, but overrall it was quite blurry, as you skipped most of the details, not to count the surroundings.
Despite we're on a Pokemon forum, you should try and describe how Pokemon-related things look. For example, I thought the sensei had one of those monk rosary necklaces or something like that. But assuming I didn't know how a Mystic Water look, I'd have stood to my idea.

I would suggest you to pay the same attention you pay to your human characters to Pokemon- they're characters too, after all.

Grammar/Spelling: I didn't notice anything, honestly. Just a wrong capitalization:
If his sister didn’t kill him, Sensei certainly would!
I didn't correct it in the dialogues as they were referring it as a person's name, but you capitalized it or didn't in many other places. Make up your mind?

And by the way, I loved that quote xD

Length: It's fine. Middle-lenght is always god to reach.

Battle: Nice, but nothing exceptional. You could've used some description regarding Nincada's attacks. How did the Metal Claw look? Was it a silver, glowing serie of clawing from the Nincada?

Outcome: This story was more than good for a simple Pokemon. Despite some minor problems, I see no reasons not to say Nincada caught. Sorry for the wait in your grade.
My quotes

Vocaboulary Game
MeowthMistress1: the alimighty ranger station
MeowthMistress1: we serve to protect you, just don't require us to spell or use proper grammar.

Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 04-10-2008 at 03:44 PM.
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