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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-15-2009, 11:35 PM
All Hope Is Gone's Avatar
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Default Rude wurmple

Target Pokemon:Wurmple
Story Level: easiest
Lenght required:3,000 – 5,000 characters
Lenght without spaces:???
Lenght with spaces:3237
This is my first story
"Frostbite, use takedown!" Nick shouted to his loyal vaporeon, who was rushing Max's Flareon. "Flareon, use your mighty flamethrower to counter!" shouted Max But it was to late Frostbite's hydro pump hit. "Flareon!" exclaimed Max "Well that was a tough fight." said Nick breathing hard his Crimson red hair dripping with sweat "Ok, I better get home now,"said Nick as he was going towards home "Alright, see ya tomorrow Nick," said Max
"Come on, Nick, It's noon get up," yelled Nick's mom who was getting angry.
"Ok mom I'll get up." said Nick "Come on get up Frostbite," Nick said as he was getting ready to leave.
"Vapor vapor." whined Frostbite.
"Come on, don't you want to go to Lake Verity?" asked Nick
"Vapor vapor!" exlaimed Frostbite.
"By mom," yelled Nick as he walked out the door of his house.
And on the way to the lake Nick met up with his best friend Max.
"Hey Nick are you going to lake verity? asked Max.
"Yeah,I'm going to catch a Wurmple."
"Hey sounds cool," said Max "I'll watch you capture it."
"And you brought Flareon."said Nick.
"Hey Nick let's fly there on my moms staraptor." said Max.
"Sounds cool." they went to Max's house and got the staraptor.
"Ok staraptor fly us to Lake Verity." Commanded Max. When they got to Lake Verity Max and Nick found a wild Wurmple.
"Hey, Nick, there's a wild Wurmple." said Max.
"Ok, Frosbite hit it with tackle!" Yelled Nick.
Frostbite tried to tackle the wild the wild Wurmple counterd with a string shot that wrapped Frostbite in a web of sticky string.Then the Wurmple started to laugh then the
wild Wurmple attacked Nick.
"Ow!" exclaimed Nick.
"Hey Nick Are You Alright," Then the wild wurmple tackled Max
"Frostbite try another tackle," yelled Nick And Frostbite missed the wild wurmple and hit a
tree then the wurmple laughed again.
"Frostbite," yelled Nick as he ran to Frosbite
"Vapor," exclaimed Frostbite who was mad.
"Alright Frostbite hit it with hydro pump!" yelled Nick.
Then Frostbite used hydro pump and missed again but this time he hit max's Flareon.
"Flare." said flareon weakly.
"Flareon get up please!" yelled Max.
Then the wild wurmple started to laugh again.
Then with out being told Frostbite hit the wurmple with hydro pump.
"Wurm wurm," said the wurmple weakly.
"Hey Nick you can catch the wurmple now!" exclaimed Max.
Nick was happy but when he got his pokeball out a wild starly tackled Nick.
"Nick!" yelled Max "Ok Flareon Use flame wheel!" yelled Max.
Flamewheel hit the starly and knocked it out.
Then max threw a pokeball at the starly and caught it.
"Alright i caught a wild starly!" exclaimed Max.
"Good job Max, now it's time for me to catch the wurmple." said Nick painfully.
Nick grabbed a pokeball out of his bag.
"Alright, let's hope this works." said Nick throwing the pokeball but it missed.
"Hehehehehe." laughed Max "You missed it by a mile!" exclaimed Max laughing.
"It's not funny." whined Nick.
"Your'e right it was hilarious," exlaimed Max Still laughing.
Then the wurmple started laughing aswell.
"Come on, even the wurmple is laughing at me," Then Nick grabbed another pokeball and threw it at the wurmple the pokeball hit the rude wurmple and sucked it into the small sphere. It wiggled once, it wiggled again.....
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Last edited by All Hope Is Gone; 02-21-2009 at 08:37 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-16-2009, 01:05 PM
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Default Re: Rude wurmple (ready for grading)

Introduction:

You had a very clear introduction in this story. Unfortunately, that’s part of the problem. You see, when you say something like, “Here is the story,” it immediately shows that you’re going to be “telling” rather than “showing.” This says a lot about the way you’ll be describing events and how well the reader will be able to visualize them. In general, when you write a short story, you want to begin right with the action. Don’t say, “Okay, this is what’s going to happen,” just show what happens.

This concept can be extended to a lot of the description that you include in the introduction. For example, you said:

Quote:
Nick is a 13 year old boy who is not tall but not short he has red hair, green eyes,and
wears black alot and his pokemon is a vaporeon he named Frostbite.
Now, it is certainly possible to visualize how the trainer looks from this description, but it’s not particularly exciting to read. One way to improve the details you included here might have been to start off the main character in a battle. You could have said something like this:

Quote:
Nick lifted up his right hand and ran it through his dark red hair, plastered to his forehead by sweat, as his black tee shirt was stuck to his chest. His green eyes were shining vividly, like emeralds, in the heat of the battle. He called out to his Vaporeon as it rushed at its opponent, “Frostbite, use Aqua Jet!”
You’ll see that I included all of the information that you did, but I didn’t have to stop the story to show you how the trainer looked and what his Pokemon was.

Story/Plot:

For a first story, I would accept something like this. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that the plot was undeveloped and not very exciting. When you write stories, especially for harder Pokemon, you’re going to have to put a lot of thought into the plot, because it is (in my opinion), the most important part of the story once you have experience. That said, you want to include a few good plot twists even in basic level stories. For example, maybe your trainer was chasing Wurmple through the forest, and he stumbled upon a treasure map, and the story went from there. Okay, it’s not the best of ideas, but I think you get what I mean. Really, this is one of those sections that’s going to come most readily as you write more stories. Just keep letting the creative juices flow and you’ll be fine.

Detail/Description:

You included very little description in this story. As you progress through the levels, this section will become about as important as the plot is. Description is all about allowing the reader to visualize what’s happening, as opposed to just knowing it’s happening. If the reader can imagine the events better, they’ll have a more enjoyable experience.

And description should extend to everything you write about. For example, when your main character goes to Lake Verity, you could have described the early morning mist that hung in the air above the lake, and how cool it felt on his face. You could have described the birds whistling in the trees, or how the soft breeze rustled their leaves. There could have been a sweet, florid aroma wafting up from the flowers in the grass. Basically, if you hear, see, smell, fell, or taste anything in your mind as you write, your reader will want to as well. Your imagination is your most important tool in writing, and this is the place where it will really shine and impress your reader.

Grammar:

Unfortunately, your grammar made the story kind of hard to read. There were a number of repeated problems, so I’m just going to pick one quote and explain a few points.

Quote:
"Come on nick It's noon get up." yelled Nick's mom who was getting angry
This sentence basically exemplifies the punctuation problems that made up the bulk of your mistakes. Let me show you how it should look:

Quote:
"Come on, Nick, it's noon. Get up," yelled Nick's mom, who was getting angry.
You’ve really got to watch out for run-on sentences and places where you need commas and periods. The best way to do this is to say each sentence in your head. Any place you pause when you say it needs comma. You also use a comma at the end of quotations that are only part of a sentence. You’ve got to proofread your work when you finish. Usually, grammar is not heavily graded, but when it makes your story look unorganized and hard to read, a grader will probably take off points.

Length:

You at least reached the minimum characters required. As you start to create more detailed plots and use a lot more description, the length will really come naturally, so don’t stress out over this too much.

Battle:

Given the fact that most of your story was the battle, I would have expected more description. When you write a battle, you really want to focus on making it exciting for the reader. This is the place where you really get to go all-out and get detailed. Every little bit of description counts towards making your battle better. For a basic Pokemon, I suppose your battle was alright, because the main faults lie in other points already discussed in this grade. However, that still detracts from the battle as a whole. You need to be creative, not too one-sided (you were fine on that particular point, I think), and descriptive. Your battles will improve along with the way you write in other sections, so focus on those and this will come naturally.

Overall

For now, I’m going to have to say Wurmple not captured. However, because it is your first story, I don’t expect a complete overhaul. To capture Wurmple, I’d like you to go back through the story and fix your punctuation mistakes, and then maybe add a bit more description. Once you’ve done that, PM me and I will be happy to come back and take a second look. Finally, don’t get too hard on yourself because you didn’t capture your first Pokemon. There are plenty of writers who started off with a lot to be desired and turned out great, so as long as you practice, I’m sure you’ll improve. :)
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SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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  #3  
Old 02-19-2009, 12:25 PM
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Default Re: Rude wurmple (ready for grading)

Alright, I don't exactly see what you mean when ypu say you fixed the story. The punctuation errors are still running rampant, and you didn't even change the sentence I fixed for you in the last grade. I'm going to fix the first few sentences here, and I expect you to be able to fix the rest of the story punctuation-wise before you PM me again.

Quote:
"Frostbite use takedown!" Nick shouted to his loyal vaporeon who was rushing Max's Flareon "Flareon use your mighty flamethrower to counter!" shouted Max But it was to late Frostbite's hydro pump hit.
This entire line is a run-on sentence, with a bunch of ideas just mooshed together without a pause or time to breathe. It's like one of those movies where some guy comes running up to your door scared out of his mind and says, "Omigoshthere'samonsterattackingJoeysomeonehel p!" without taking a breath, so you say, "Hey, whoa! Slow down there, buddy."

Here's how this sentence should have been fixed:

[quote]"Frostbite, use takedown!" Nick shouted to his loyal vaporeon, who was rushing Max's Flareon. "Flareon, use your mighty flamethrower to counter!" shouted Max. But, it was too late. Frostbite's hydro pump hit.

You see how this splits up the sentences nicely and gives the reader time to pause at the right moments? Also remember that in most cases:

Quote:
"Alright, see ya tomorrow Nick," said Max.
You use a comma in place of a period at the end of quotations if you subsequently say something like, said Nick afterwards. If the quotation is the absolute end of the sentence, you're done, though.

Please go back and fix these. For now, Wurmple still not captured.
__________________

Quote:
SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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  #4  
Old 02-21-2009, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Rude wurmple

Hmmm.... What to do...? Well, it looks like you've caught most of the places where you needed periods, at least. I think I can let it slide this time. However, you really need to work on proofreading, a lot, and you need to add a whole lot of description.

For now, Wurmple captured, but only barely.
__________________

Quote:
SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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