You had a very clear introduction in this story. Unfortunately, that’s part of the problem. You see, when you say something like, “Here is the story,” it immediately shows that you’re going to be “telling” rather than “showing.” This says a lot about the way you’ll be describing events and how well the reader will be able to visualize them. In general, when you write a short story, you want to begin right with the action. Don’t say, “Okay, this is what’s going to happen,” just show what happens.
This concept can be extended to a lot of the description that you include in the introduction. For example, you said:
Nick is a 13 year old boy who is not tall but not short he has red hair, green eyes,and
wears black alot and his pokemon is a vaporeon he named Frostbite.
Now, it is certainly possible to visualize how the trainer looks from this description, but it’s not particularly exciting to read. One way to improve the details you included here might have been to start off the main character in a battle. You could have said something like this:
Nick lifted up his right hand and ran it through his dark red hair, plastered to his forehead by sweat, as his black tee shirt was stuck to his chest. His green eyes were shining vividly, like emeralds, in the heat of the battle. He called out to his Vaporeon as it rushed at its opponent, “Frostbite, use Aqua Jet!”
You’ll see that I included all of the information that you did, but I didn’t have to stop the story to show you how the trainer looked and what his Pokemon was.
For a first story, I would accept something like this. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that the plot was undeveloped and not very exciting. When you write stories, especially for harder Pokemon, you’re going to have to put a lot of thought into the plot, because it is (in my opinion), the most important part of the story once you have experience. That said, you want to include a few good plot twists even in basic level stories. For example, maybe your trainer was chasing Wurmple through the forest, and he stumbled upon a treasure map, and the story went from there. Okay, it’s not the best of ideas, but I think you get what I mean. Really, this is one of those sections that’s going to come most readily as you write more stories. Just keep letting the creative juices flow and you’ll be fine.
You included very little description in this story. As you progress through the levels, this section will become about as important as the plot is. Description is all about allowing the reader to visualize what’s happening, as opposed to just knowing it’s happening. If the reader can imagine the events better, they’ll have a more enjoyable experience.
And description should extend to everything you write about. For example, when your main character goes to Lake Verity, you could have described the early morning mist that hung in the air above the lake, and how cool it felt on his face. You could have described the birds whistling in the trees, or how the soft breeze rustled their leaves. There could have been a sweet, florid aroma wafting up from the flowers in the grass. Basically, if you hear, see, smell, fell, or taste anything in your mind as you write, your reader will want to as well. Your imagination is your most important tool in writing, and this is the place where it will really shine and impress your reader.
Unfortunately, your grammar made the story kind of hard to read. There were a number of repeated problems, so I’m just going to pick one quote and explain a few points.
"Come on nick It's noon get up." yelled Nick's mom who was getting angry
This sentence basically exemplifies the punctuation problems that made up the bulk of your mistakes. Let me show you how it should look:
"Come on, Nick, it's noon. Get up," yelled Nick's mom, who was getting angry.
You’ve really got to watch out for run-on sentences and places where you need commas and periods. The best way to do this is to say each sentence in your head. Any place you pause when you say it needs comma. You also use a comma at the end of quotations that are only part of a sentence. You’ve got to proofread your work when you finish. Usually, grammar is not heavily graded, but when it makes your story look unorganized and hard to read, a grader will probably take off points.
You at least reached the minimum characters required. As you start to create more detailed plots and use a lot more description, the length will really come naturally, so don’t stress out over this too much.
Given the fact that most of your story was
the battle, I would have expected more description. When you write a battle, you really want to focus on making it exciting for the reader. This is the place where you really get to go all-out and get detailed. Every little bit of description counts towards making your battle better. For a basic Pokemon, I suppose your battle was alright, because the main faults lie in other points already discussed in this grade. However, that still detracts from the battle as a whole. You need to be creative, not too one-sided (you were fine on that particular point, I think), and descriptive. Your battles will improve along with the way you write in other sections, so focus on those and this will come naturally.
For now, I’m going to have to say Wurmple not captured.
However, because it is your first story, I don’t expect a complete overhaul. To capture Wurmple, I’d like you to go back through the story and fix your punctuation mistakes, and then maybe add a bit more description. Once you’ve done that, PM me and I will be happy to come back and take a second look. Finally, don’t get too hard on yourself because you didn’t capture your first Pokemon. There are plenty of writers who started off with a lot to be desired and turned out great, so as long as you practice, I’m sure you’ll improve. :)