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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 06-02-2009, 03:11 AM
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Default Cinder's Reign [Chapter four took forever] [PG]



Big thanks to Nesudesu @ deviantART for this awesome picture!

Welcome to my fanfic, Cinder's Reign! I hope you enjoy reading it. I will try to post chapters *at least* weekly.

Summary
Cinder took over everything. No one stopped her. They couldn't. Everyone was malnourished and desperate for a leader, and when Cinder came, they submitted. She was strong and powerful - who could possibly fight her? Siblings Ashes and Amber are sent out to patrol one night, and Amber comments on Cinder's sanity. Someone had been spying on them, because the next day Amber was exiled. Ashes, the shy one of the two, and the one who doesn't like to fight, knows that he needs to find his sister and defeat Cinder once and for all. But how can the timid Ashes do it? Read to find out!

Note
This story is ONLY posted on PE2k and fayezor-guava.deviantart.com. Any other sites are fake and should be reported to me as soon as possible.

UPDATE!!!!! Guest Stars
I'm no longer taking guest stars! All of the slots are filled.

1. Graceful_Suicune with Arish
2. A Requiem of Verities with Veritus
3. My friend Fire Lugia with Calor

Chapters
Prologue - Caught
Chapter One - Exile
Chapter Two - Making Plans
Chapter Three - The Same Sky
Chapter Four - Filling the Emptiness


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Last edited by Saturn; 06-30-2009 at 08:47 PM.
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Old 06-02-2009, 03:11 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign

Prologue - Caught

Red eyes glowed from the top of a large stone that jutted out of the earth. The rock was smooth and gray, except for its jagged peak. Dug deep inside the rock was a cave, and from the platform outside the cave was where the voice came.

"Ashes, Amber," the voice said. It was a sharp voice, and one could tell it wasn't kidding around, nor was it friendly. "Gather yourselves together and get a patrol going. I smell trouble."

Two houndoom, one male and one female, rose from the base of the rock. Their horns curved behind their heads, and their black pelts blended in with the dark night. They dipped their heads in unison, and then charged off into the darkness.

****

Stars glittered frostily above as the two houndoom slowed to a stop. The more feminine one, Amber, rose her head to the night sky and breathed deeply. The air only held the scent of their houndoom tribe, and no invaders.

"I think Cinder's crazy." Amber commented, lowering her narrow head and glancing at her companion.

Ashes frowned, and then said, "She could've heard that, you know."

Amber shook her head. "Ashes, she scared you into believing she has eyes and ears everywhere. You know it's not true. Cinder may be a forceful ruler, but not all of what she says is true. You can't live your life in constant fear that she will find you."

Ashes' amber eyes turned towards his sister's. A frown painted itself across his face. "You don't know that."

Silence came after those few words, and after a minute or so, Amber turned to leave. Just then, a sound traveled across the air to her ears. Bushes rustling? Was someone....watching them?

She whirled around to face the bush from where the sound was coming from. The leaves moved once, and then the bush was still. She imagined that whatever had been behind that bush was gone by now, and was probably nothing more than a piece of prey. Still, her hackles rose and her lip curled. Had the spy heard what she had said about their leader?

"Told you." Ashes breathed to his sister before padding past her. Amber stood still, unsure of what to do. She felt frigid with fear. If Cinder found out what she had said....

She shook her head, figuring she was being silly. Cinder was a liar, and she definitely did not have spies everywhere.

As Amber padded behind her brother, she thought of the terror Cinder had brought to her tribe. Consisting of many Houndour and Houndoom, their tribe had been desperate for a leader. Cinder had come at the climax of terror, when sickness struck the tribe. She had seemed like a brilliant leader at first, but she had slowly gotten colder and crueler to the tribe. She only cared for herself, and did whatever she wanted to. She scared them into doing what she wanted - told them that she had eyes and ears everywhere, watching their every move. Amber had seen what Cinder did to those she caught insulting her: she tortured them, then exiled them. Cinder always made these ceremonies public so the whole tribe would do as she asked.

Amber strongly disliked their new "leader". Cinder often used Amber and Ashes to patrol and hunt, mainly for her own needs. Amber had other reasons, however, to dislike her. Cinder had banished their mother for having a mate without Cinder's consent, and Amber and Ashes had the pleasure of viewing her body carcass, which had been lying not far beyond their borders. They were even instructed to bring it to the middle of the camp for a feast.

Amber was disgusting herself all over again with Cinder. She lowered her head and padded on, trying to block the horrible thoughts from returning to her mind. Somehow, she knew that if she could convince herself Cinder wasn't real, that she was just a dream, everything would be okay.
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Last edited by Saturn; 06-09-2009 at 08:39 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-02-2009, 03:39 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign

This has a great storyline and such but where's the chapter?I know you put a chapter up there but I mean you didn't make it long.Most fan-fics are very long.And remember to correct spelling errors.But please, keep going with this.And also, most people put up a post about which sites their fan-fic has been posted on since there have been fan-fics getting stolen lately.It may take awhile to get a long chapter up but you have all the time you need.You don't have to put these up daily since that would be a lot of trouble or if you feel like typing but not super long then make parts.Like part one or part two and then some other day you can put up the next part.Read other people's fan-fics also.It helps ALOT.And by alot I truly mean ALOT.
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  #4  
Old 06-02-2009, 03:51 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign

Thanks for the help! I was debating whether to have the first chapter as a prologue, and that's kind of what it is. I'm going to make the next chapters longer, but thanks for the advice. :3
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Old 06-02-2009, 11:46 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
It was a sharp voice, and you could tell it wasn't kidding around,
Who could tell? x) Not a good idea to use 'you' in a situation like that. Better to use 'one'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
A frown painted itself across his face, and his ears were flat against his head. "You don't know that."
HOUNDOOM HAVE EARS?!?! O_O

Great story so far. I like the plot and the first chapter, but I think that the chapters themselves could be a little longer. Also, you started off without capitalising the 'h' of 'Houndoom', but then you capitalised it in both 'Houndoom' and 'Houndour'. I suggest sticking with capitalising it or sticking with leaving it lowercase. :3

I'd like to read more, my awesome twin!! <3 :D

~Xanthe.
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Old 06-02-2009, 05:33 PM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign

Quote:
HOUNDOOM HAVE EARS?!?! O_O
OH EM GEE THEY DON'T
holy magikarps...I think I just messed up big time...

Yeah, I was trying to stick to being lowercase, I'll watch out for that. And the other thing you said.

Thanks twin<3
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:39 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Their horns curved behind their ears, and their black pelts blended in with the dark night.
Ear, ear, ear.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Ashes breathed into his sister's ear before padding past her.
Another ear. xD
There are a few other spots that mention ears. However, you could probably change them to have ears somewhere. :P

And okay. :P Go off and change them to lowercase, then. x3

No worries. :D

~Xanthe.
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  #8  
Old 06-09-2009, 08:34 PM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Okies! Here it is, the first official chapter. Sorry for the super long wait. Hope it's long enough!
-----------------------------------------
Chapter One - Exile

Amber’s dreams were haunted by Cinder’s face; Cinder’s ugly, vicious face. Amber had been running away from the awful leader, but Cinder had been too fast, and had caught up. Cinder had leapt on Amber, who was squirming underneath, fear wild in her eyes. Then, slowly, as if to torture her, Cinder ripped Amber to pieces...

As Amber blinked the sleep out of her eyes, she looked around. She was still under the same bush she had been the night before, where she had fallen into a restless sleep. She felt relief sweep through her body; no one had been spying on them, because everything was okay. No one had come to kick her out, tear her apart, or accuse her of her words.

Suddenly, she felt something pull on her back legs, and she was jerked out from under the bush. Something had sunk its teeth into her leg, and was pulling her across the camp. Her right hind leg stung, and she noticed the blood trail that was left behind as she made her trip across the tribe’s camp on her belly. Fear swept through her, like giant waves that crashed down on her over and over again; she was drowning in the fear that had come alive in her dreams at night.

“Let her go, Flicker.” came a strong voice, which Amber recognized as Cinder’s. Panic overtook her, and she froze.

Flicker was one of Cinder’s Elite Guard, along with Soot, Flash, Spark, and Denvil. The Elite Guard was made up of the lucky houndoom who had earned Cinder’s trust, and the ones that she saw as the most powerful. They were used to doing most of her dirty work, such as exile or hunt, so that she didn’t have to get her paws dirty.

Amber dared look up at Flicker, who spit at her. “Traitor!” he snarled, and backed off.

Amber shut her eyes as a ball of spit dropped right beside her face. She growled, but Flicker’s paw was brought down hard on her head, smashing it into the dirt. She heard a shriek, and a couple of other growls. But then Cinder was there, looming over her.

“What do you have to say for yourself, scum?” She snapped, circling Amber. “I can’t believe you betrayed me like this! Do you want to end up dead like your mother? It seems so!”
Amber rose to her paws. Her face and front claws were caked with dirt, and blood streamed from her right hind leg. Her legs caved for a minute, but she forced herself up again until she was standing nose to nose with Cinder.

“Don’t you dare insult my mother!” Amber snarled. Cinder cackled in a way that made Amber cringe. She let her eyes wander the crowd, where she saw Ashes. He stood at the front, eyes wide and fearful.

“Your mother was a useless piece of nothing.” Cinder continued, “She deserved to die.”

“Why? Because she didn’t like your screwed up way of life? You’re an insane freak!” Amber retorted.

“Flicker, Soot,” Cinder said. “Come and finish her off.”

Amber whirled around, watching both houndoom as they crept closer. She didn’t want to fight them; they had been her friends once. She remembered laughing with Flicker, and sharing a piece of prey with Soot.

She remembered all the times, all the good times, she had spent with the tribe as Flicker and Soot ripped her to pieces, and sent her on her way to exile.

****

Ashes poked the piece of prey with his nose. His appetite had vanished completely, and he knew he was getting skinny with his lack of food. It had been three days since he had watched his sister get kicked out of the tribe, and he missed her so much.

Where was she now? He wondered, prodded the mouse with a claw. Suddenly, someone bumped into him. He turned to see Skull, a pretty female houndoom, smiling at him. “Are you gonna eat that?” she asked, nodding towards the mouse.

Ashes shook his head. “Not hungry.” he mumbled, shifting uneasily. He didn’t feel safe with the tribe anymore; he saw them all as traitors.

Skull blinked at him. “You haven’t eaten anything for a while now.” she commented, wolfing the mouse down in hungry gulps.

Ashes didn’t reply as he scanned the camp. The Elite Guard ate in one circle with Cinder at the middle, and not far from them, was a group of male houndoom, and on the other side of camp, female houndoom shared food. Skull trotted back to them, and Ashes realized he was the only one not in a group. He usually ate with his sister, but she was gone. Long gone, and probably dead.

He got up, and began to walk over to a spare bush on the far side of the clearing. He stopped halfway, hearing someone call his name. He turned to see Soot rushing towards him. He clenched his teeth, and turned his head away.

Soot slowed his run to a trot, and then to a walk. He came up on Ashes’ left side, and smiled at him, though his amber eyes seemed worried. “Where are you going?” he asked, nodding towards the bush. “Tired? You haven’t eaten in days, Ashes. You can see every rib, and count them, too. You have these odd dark rings under your eyes, and you always look unhappy. What’s wrong?”

“What do you think is wrong, Soot?” Ashes snarled, spitting his name out like it was a piece of nasty food.

Soot took a step back, recoiling from Ashes’ unexpected response. “Is it Amber?” he asked quietly.

Ashes narrowed his eyes, and said, “You are really stupid, aren’t you?” With a sigh, he sank to the ground. He was done fighting; he just wanted his sister back.

Soot frowned, and said, “I had to do it, Ashes. I was told to.”

“Yeah? And one day, what are you going to do when you’re told to kill Flicker?” Ashes snapped, knowing that he had hit a sore spot. Flicker was Soot’s brother and best friend.

When Soot didn’t reply, Ashes went on, but quieter now, with pain in his voice. “Are you going to hurt him like you did my sister?”

Soot didn’t respond to that either, he just walked away. Ashes had never felt so alone. ‘Where are you, Amber?’ he thought, turning his gaze to the stars that were beginning to show. ‘Please come back.’

***

Amber heaved herself forward. She had lost more blood than she could possibly ever have in her body. She had an infection in one of her cuts, and she was so sore she could barely move. She was starved, as well, since she had not been able to hunt. She knew she would die one day, but she didn’t want to die like this.

She was dragging herself across the forest floor, towards a place where she heard soft singing in the distance. She didn’t care if she was hallucinating; she just wanted someplace to feel safe.

She continued to haul herself towards the low murmur. As she exploded from the bushes, she found a purple colored ninetales humming to herself, dipping her paw in and out of water.
As Amber fell down to the ground, the ninetales turned towards her, eyes wide with fear.

“Help me…please…” Amber stuttered, falling forward. Her head crashed onto the mess of leaves and twigs.

The ninetales jumped up, staring at the broken body of the houndoom. She was in terrible condition. The ninetales found herself counting the houndoom’s ribs. She shook her head, unsure of what to do.

In the end, however, she padded across the clearing and bent her head down. Amber had fainted, so she grabbed the houndoom by the scruff and began to haul her across the clearing, and into a cave. She looked frantically around. She ran over a list of things she would need in her head: leaves, water, food, and her mother’s special healing ointment. Oh, dear Arceus, where did she put that ointment?

As the ninetales rushed around, Amber slipped into a deep sleep of exhaustion and blood loss. She dreamed that she was back with Ashes, and they were playing one of their games. Everything was so blurry, and in the end, the image was shattered by a giant houndoom paw.

Cinder.

Amber awoke with a jolt to see the ninetales looking over her. It looked slightly concerned, and slightly curious. Amber noticed its strange lavender colored fur for the first time, and the bright blue tips on its tail. It had a long face with prominent cheek bones, and its face sagged in a way that made it look sad. Its bright red eyes were sharp and alert as it stared at the houndoom before it. Amber backed up, knocking into a cave wall, lips drawn back in a snarl. “Who are you?” Amber demanded furiously, preparing herself to attack.

She winced as pain shot up her ribcage, and slumped to the ground. The ninetales sat down and stared at Amber for a moment before saying, “Zuma. Who are you?”

Amber blinked, unsure of what to reply. She felt dizzy, and for a moment, she forgot her name. “I’m uh…uhhh….Amber.” she said.

Zuma nodded, and looked out of the cave entrance for a moment. Her eyes soon trailed back to Amber. “So, Amber, what are you doing here? And why did you look so beaten?”

For the first time, Amber noticed Zuma’s sad, depressing eyes. Looking into them, Amber felt what the ninetales was not showing, or trying not to show: anger, depression, loneliness, and rejection. At first, Amber thought of asking about it, but held her tongue.

“Well?” Zuma pressed.

Amber had been so lost in Zuma’s red eyes, she had forgotten the question. “Uhh…um…I got exiled.” she said slowly.

Zuma looked surprised, but didn’t ask any more questions about the topic. “Well, are you going to be leaving anytime soon?” she asked.

Amber took that offensively. Was the ninetales suggesting that she should leave, so that she could drown in her sorrow? Amber frowned, and said, “Um, I don’t know. I still feel pretty…bad.”

“Inside and outside.” Zuma said, as if not asking a question, but giving the answer. “May I ask why?”

Silence. Amber didn’t want to answer, so she turned her head away. Zuma dipped her head and padded out of the cave, leaving Amber to drown in her thoughts. Before she could get anything together, however, a loud shriek came from outside.

“Zuma!”
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Last edited by Saturn; 06-10-2009 at 04:01 PM.
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  #9  
Old 06-10-2009, 12:30 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Quite thrilling, I would say. And yes, it is actually longer than enough, which is very good; it is recommended by several fanfic writers that people write more than three pages on Word. This first chapter had almost four. =]

Only a few mistakes here and there, such as capitalization, but that's all, I think...

Try to have thoughts italicized. Try and read over it to see if you can find any thoughts, and italicize them. Usually, words are only italicized in quotations when the speaker is showing emphasis, or when two people seem to be sharing the same brain. But that's complicated, so I won't get into that. ;]

Also, Pokémon such as Ninetails or Houndoom need to be capitalized, remember that. You don't kneed to put the é in Pokémon, though; most people write it Pokemon and go on with their lives. It's just that I go the extra mile to write out Pokémon because it's easy to do. Just type "Pok", then hold Alt while typing "130", and after you let go of Alt, the é should appear. Then type "mon". For most people, that's too much work.

If it's a pack of Houndoom, where are the Houndour, may I ask?

Is Zama alone? Is there a reason why she's shiny? I'm anxoius. D:

One last thing; this is one problem I find in many fanfictions. I'm easily pleased by fanfictions that actually describe the Pokémon's physical features either right after or right before saying what they are. For example:

Quote:
All of a sudden, I saw a green, serpentine Pokémon, flying at incredible speeds, zooming through the sky. It was like a blur, but I could see that it had two claws, and two horns on the top of its head with smaller ones on the bottom. It was unmistakably a Rayquaza.
Even if it has to be to that minimum, and yes, that is a minimum, describing Pokémon is always nice. If you heed my advice, you don't need to describe Houndoom or Ninetails; they're already introduced. Off the top of my head, you should only describe something/someone when he's/she's/it's either first introduced, when the main character is trying to remember that something/someone, or when that something/someone has a change in appearance.

There was one other mistake, but I don't remember...

Other than that, I think you're set. I'll see if I can read anything more. ;]
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:38 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Thanks for the reviews! :3 here's the second chapter!

----------------------

Chapter Two - Making Plans

There was silence. No one answered Amber’s call.

The silence was beginning to make its way into Amber’s thoughts, and twisting them around and around until she came up with a list of horrifying possibilities for the ninetales. Had Soot and Flicker or some of the other Elite Guard caught up with her, and found out that Zuma was caring for her? Had they killed Zuma in cold blood, because they wanted Amber to die a painful death?

Amber’s heart raced as she pondered the horrifying list of reasons that Zuma did not answer her call. She could not move yet; the ointment that Zuma had treated her with had dried, making her wounds stiff. Plus, if she moved, the bleeding might start again. Amber decided to call again for her care-taker. Maybe Zuma had not heard her? She pondered that for a moment, before calling out.

“Zuma?” she yelped again, rather weakly.

At first, there was no reply, and then giggles burst through the air. Amber’s breath gushed out in a sigh of relief, but then she realized that she had no clue whether that was Zuma or not.

She decided to drag herself to the cave entrance. The stone floor scratched and bothered her skin, and her limbs were stiff, as she had predicted. She sniffed the air, and picked up a faint trace of Zuma’s scent. However, another scent smothered it, one that Amber did not know.

Amber peered out of the cave entrance, over towards where she had first seen Zuma. The sight she saw surprised her: an umbreon had tackled Zuma, while an espeon and another umbreon stayed back and watched. Amber was confused at first. The first umbreon she had set eyes on was strangely colored. Its rings did not glow yellow, as they should have; instead, they were a bright blue. The blue was set in perfect contrast to the midnight black fur. The espeon was lime green, too, instead of the pale lavender color normal espeon were. The red jewel that was set on its forehead glowed, and its pelt shimmered in the afternoon sun. The other umbreon was normal, with its yellow rings and bands on its shoulders, ears, tail, forehead, and flanks. As Amber inspected the odd bunch, the male espeon had turned to her.

“Who’s this?” he asked, his voice dainty and light, as if he was scared of breaking it.
“Mmmmf.” came Zuma’s muffled reply, and a squeak followed as she pushed the blue umbreon off of her.

“Awww, Zuma, can’t we play some more?” whined the blue umbreon, but Zuma ignored it and spoke directly to the green espeon.

“Limey, Luna, and Obsidian, meet Amber. Amber, meet Limey, Luna, and Obsidian.”

Zuma introduced them, nodding to each one in turn. Amber gathered that the espeon was Limey, probably for his lime green coat, the blue umbreon was Luna, and the other umbreon was Obsidian. She nodded towards them, but they didn’t reply.

“Who’s she? Is she your new playmate?” pressed Luna, staring with jealous eyes at Amber.

“No, I’m just taking care of her for awhile.” Zuma responded, licking her chest fur with annoyance. She obviously didn’t like the small umbreon.

“Why? She isn’t a baby! She looks old enough to take care of herself.” giggled Luna, mocking Amber.

“She looks injured, honey.” came Obsidian’s scolding reply. The umbreon, who was obviously Luna’s mother, flashed a stern look at the blue umbreon before nodding back at Amber.

They must be a family, Amber realized. Limey was probably the father, Obsidian was the mother, and Luna was the child. Luna obviously had inherited her father’s strange coloring, from what it looked like. Luna obviously didn’t like her very much either, as she kept flashing glares in Amber’s direction. Limey looked suspicious of Amber’s presence, but Obsidian seemed fine with her.

Zuma rolled her eyes at Luna, and then said, “Alright, visit’s over. Please go back to where you belong.”

Amber was surprised at Zuma’s hostile reaction; she figured that if they were visiting, they must know Zuma personally. After the three had cleared out, Amber questioned Zuma about them.

“Why were they visiting? You don’t seem related to them.” Amber asked, tilting her head to the side.

“Uh, I’m not.”

“Then why did they come?”

Zuma seemed to ponder her answer before saying, “I was born on a Pokemon Farm, where they breed Pokemon, you know. Limey and I were friends, though we fought a lot. You know what I mean? We grew up, and got separated, but he still visits me from time to time. Luna likes to ‘play’, you know? She’s an annoying, spoiled brat. Her mother and father treat her like she’s some Arceus in disguise.” Zuma snorted, and then continued. “It’s getting late in the day. Better start collecting sticks for the fire. I’ll be back soon, Amber. Wait here.”

Amber nodded, and turned around. She scuffled back into the cave and sat down in a moss nest that was on the floor. She had no clue whether it was Zuma’s or not, she just wanted to sit down somewhere where she could rest. Her eyelids drooped, and she was soon fast asleep.

***

Ashes was falling.

Why he was falling, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he was tumbling through empty air, going nowhere, and coming from nowhere. He thought it was kind of random, him falling, but honestly, he didn’t care. He liked the feeling of freedom. He stretched his fore and hind legs, then opened his mouth in a massive yawn. Suddenly, he hit the ground hard, and began to cough up blood.

Where did that come from? Oh well. He coughed up more blood, until his sister, Amber, tumbled out from his mouth. She was alive and well, and she stood up and looked him in the eye.

“Ashes, Ashes. I know that you will make the right decision.” she said, her eyes gazing at him lovingly.

And then she was gone.

Ashes blinked himself awake to the gray morning. Mist hung heavy in the clearing, and the bush he slept under was wet with dew. He could barely see two feet in front of him…everything was so cloudy! He closed his eyes, opened them, and took another look around. It was still foggy. He gave a snort of disgust, thinking that he was awake now. Suddenly, something prodded him in the side. He whirled around to face the strangest creature he had ever recalled seeing.

It was a dark orange with creamy white fluff around its neck. Its tail was made of the same fluff, and a small tuft on the head was also present. The eyes were big and brown, and they stared right through him.

“Hey.” said the strange creature. “Get up, lazy. It’s time to get moving.”

Moving? Where was he going? Ashes stood up, his legs wobbly. That was when he realized he was shorter, and his legs were rather stumpy. That was when he realized he was a houndour!

Well, this was a terribly strange dream. He followed the Pokemon he recognized as flareon through the gathering mist. Several times the flareon made bright flares that lit everything up by blowing outwards, but then the wet mist would choke and put out the flame.

Suddenly, the flareon vanished, and Ashes found himself on the forest floor, crying out. Something answered back, but he couldn’t make out any words. And then he awoke, underneath the bush as always.

He wasn’t dreaming anymore, he realized. Ashes breathed out a sigh of relief before looking around him. He had slept late. The sun was making its steady climb towards the middle of the sky, and the whole camp was busy with patrols going out to get food, or to check the borders. Some houndoom or houndour were eating, or learning some new moves, or just talking. He sighed, watching a pair of sibling houndour wrestle while two adult houndoom looked on. A pang of loneliness struck Ashes in the stomach, and he dearly missed his sister.

His stomach growled with hunger, and he leapt up to satisfy it. He suddenly felt like eating, and getting up and doing something. Ashes padded towards the pile of prey and selected a juicy looking ratatta. As he chewed the flesh and crunched the bones, he thought about doing that something, and replayed his sister’s words over and over. “Ashes, Ashes. I know that you will make the right decision.” The right decision in what? He was confused at first, and then it hit him: he had to go and retrieve his sister, somehow. He knew somewhere inside of him, he didn’t really believe she was dead at all.

He didn’t notice Skull padding up behind him until she snickered. He whirled around, halfway through his meal. Ashes swallowed what was in his mouth and watched Skull with curious eyes.

“Hey, Ashes, my friend Bone wants to know if you’re…available. You know.” she said, nodding towards a shaky looking female houndoom, who stood within hearing range.

“No, I don’t. What do you mean?” Ashes replied, confused after being drawn out of his deep thought.

“Man, she likes you. You get what I mean? Love? Hello?” Skull said, voice stuffed to the throat with annoyance.

“Uhh…” Ashes said, still totally lost. He understood what Skull was asking, but didn’t quite know how to answer. Whenever a female asked for a male’s heart, it was usually accepted without hesitation. All female houndoom were feminine and pretty; no male passed up the chance to have one as a companion. Most males were lonely, anyway, and a female was a perfect aid to their loneliness.

“I don’t think anyone’s home.” Skull snorted over her shoulder, casting a glare at Ashes.

“Hey, Bone, you might be able to get something out of him!” Skull called before bounding away.

Moments later, a shaky Bone appeared in front of Ashes. “H-h-hi.” she stammered. “U-u-u-ummm…”

All the while, Ashes had been thinking. Bone might prove useful, if she wanted to help him find Amber.

“Do you know Amber, my sister?” Ashes asked, out of the blue.

For a moment, Bone seemed confused. But she answered anyway. “Yeah. Sometimes she’d talk to me.”

“What do you think about…finding her? If she’s out there?”

There was silence for a minute between the two, before Bone said, “She was…nice, I guess. She was pretty much the only one listening when I didn’t talk about all the ‘strong’ and ‘insanely cute’ males around here. She really cared about what I said. She did for everyone. It would be nice to have her back.”

Ashes pondered this for a minute. Should he? 'Yes,' he thought, 'I should.'

“Well, I can’t promise that I’ll fall in love with you automatically, but it would be nice to have at least one ally around to help me find her.” he said.

A slow smile crept across Bone’s tan muzzle. “Awesome.” she said.

Ashes didn’t reply. He was beginning to regret his decision. He was going to end up disappointing Bone anyway. In the least, he saw her as a friend, not in the way she probably saw him. She settled down beside him, too close. Ashes felt uncomfortable, so he scooted away a bit. Bone looked at his face, once, to see his expression, but no other contact was exchanged between the two.

Ashes knew what he would do now. He would find his sister, even if he only came back with a dead body. She was out there somewhere, exiled and hurt. He would find her. She did not deserve to be exiled, and as he thought this, a plan began hatching…
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Last edited by Saturn; 06-15-2009 at 03:55 AM.
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  #11  
Old 06-10-2009, 01:04 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Pretty good chapter overall. You still need to capitalize Pokémon names like Espeon, Umbreon, and Flareon, though.

I can't wait to see what unfolds next!
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:40 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Amber’s dreams were haunted by Cinder’s face; Cinder’s ugly, vicious face baring her teeth at her and ripping her to shreds. As Amber blinked the sleep out of her eyes, she looked around.
So, she dreamed of teeth as the focal point? I see. x3 But if she was ripping Amber to shreds, why wasn't Amber desperate to escape or frightened? :O I know dreams don't often have a lot of emotion, but they still do. Maybe some reaction to that would be nice. x)
Also, if it were me, I'd describe the dream in a little more detail and then but the 'As Amber blinked the sleep out of her eyes,' sentence in a new paragraph to add that extra effect. :3

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Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
She was still under the same bush she had been the night before, where she had fell into a restless sleep.
Should be 'fallen'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
No one had come to kick her out, or tear her apart, or accuse her of her words.
Personally, I would kill off that 'or' before 'tear'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Her right hindleg stung,
'hind' and 'leg' probably could do as two words. :3

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Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
she was drowning in the fear that had come alive in her dreams at night.
You see, here it describes fear and stuff, but I saw no fear in the dream she had. x3

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They were used to do most of her dirty work, such as exile or hunt, so that she didn’t have to get her paws dirty. Amber dared look up at Flicker, who spit at her. “Traitor!” he snarled, and backed off.
Should be 'They were used to doing most of her dirty work'. I would put the sentence after that on a new line, because it's not part of the talk about the Elite Guard.
Also, 'spit' should be 'spat', because we're talking past tense here.

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Amber shut her eyes as the ball of spit dropped right beside her face.
You can't really say 'the' unless we already know about it, so this would be better off as 'a'.

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Her face and front claws were caked with dirt, and blood streamed from her right hindleg.
Once again, with the 'hind leg' stuff. x3

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“You haven’t eaten anything for awhile now.”
Now, 'awhile' is kinda old fashioned, and I think this one would be better off as 'a while'.

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You have bags under your eyes, and your always look unhappy.
Lol, just wondering whether Pokemon an animals get bags under their eyes or not. x)

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Soot didn’t respond to that either, he just walked away. Ashes had never felt so alone. ‘Where are you, Amber?’ he thought, turning his gaze to the stars that were beginning to show. ‘Please come back.’
Like ARoV said, you may wanna use italics with thoughts. :D I totally disagree with what he said about the quotation and italics thing. I always--always write my thoughts with singular quotation marks and in italics. I think that it's like speech, and deserves quotation marks. xD And everywhere else when, maybe, a sentence has to be italics because it's with emphasis or whatever, people are gonna think that it's thoughts. That's why I use singular quotation marks with thoughts. ;P And nobody's gonna change my mind. xD

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She ran over a list of things she would need in her head: Leaves, Water, Food, and her mother’s special healing ointment.
All of those words don't need to have their first letter capitalised. x3

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Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Was the ninetales suggesting that she should leave, so that it could drown in its sorrow?
She knows Zuma is a female, right? May be better to say 'she' and 'her', or something else to indicate that 'she' and 'her' are talking about Zuma.

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“Zuma!” Amber yelped.
I wouldn't put 'Amber yelped' on the end, because by just having the speech there makes it a little more intense. x3

Anyways, I really liked it. ^^ A few mistakes that I found, but good story. :P Yeah, I think you should've described Zuma to start with, but yeah. :P

And ARoV, she doesn't have to write Pokemon species names' first letters in capitals, because some people think that it's like capitalising the first letter of 'dog' and 'cat' and such. ;3 It's totally up to her. :P Like what Scy does.

Good work, twin. ^^ Keep it up! :D And I'll be back to correct the second chapter. ;P And yes, it was a good length. ^^

~Xanthe.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 06-10-2009 at 02:44 AM.
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  #13  
Old 06-10-2009, 04:21 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Yay! Thanks for catching all of that, Twin~ I edited it, and added more description about Zuma and the dream. Can't wait to hear what you think of the second chapter!
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  #14  
Old 06-10-2009, 04:26 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Good chapters ^^ This reminds me of the Warriors series.

You don't have to capitalize pokemon names (Scytherwolf doesn't), it just depends.

Some people say "zebra", others "Zebra". Do what you want ^^
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Old 06-10-2009, 08:27 AM
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Default Re: Cinder's Reign [PG]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Yay! Thanks for catching all of that, Twin~ I edited it, and added more description about Zuma and the dream. Can't wait to hear what you think of the second chapter!
No worries, twin~
Cool! I'll go and read over those parts then. :P I'll be sure to read it soon. ^^ If nobody replies before I read it, then I'll edit this post. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grassy_Aggron View Post
Good chapters ^^ This reminds me of the Warriors series.

You don't have to capitalize pokemon names (Scytherwolf doesn't), it just depends.

Some people say "zebra", others "Zebra". Do what you want ^^
People capitalise animal names? xD Oh well. I do, actually, capitalise Pokemon species' first letters, but I think it makes more sense to not. It's just that I think the reason they are capitalised is, apart from them wanting Pokemon to be special, that you can say the species like it's the Pokemon itself's name. Like saying:
"This is Pikachu! He's cool." But you can't say:
"This is Cat. He's cool." So, I reckon, if you use Pokemon species in that way, then you should capitalise it, but if you say 'a' before the species name, then you wouldn't have to. :P But that's all my opinion. xD

~Xanthe.

EDIT: Found this in your edit (x3):
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Amber had been running away from the awful leader, but Cinder had been to fast, and had caught up.
Should be 'too'.

SECOND CHAPTER:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Had Soot and Flicker or some of the other elite guard caught up with her, and found out that Zuma was caring for her?
I believe that 'Elite' and 'Guard' should have their first letters capitalised. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Amber decided to call for her care-taker.
You might wanna stick an 'again' or a 'once more' after 'call', because she already has once.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Amber peered out of the cave entrance, over towards where she had first saw Zuma.
Should be 'where she had first seen Zuma', or 'when she first saw Zuma'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
The espeon was lime green, too, instead of the pale lavender color normal espeons were.
I'm fine with the non capitalisation, but you must never, ever write an 's' on the end of any Pokemon's species name in a fan fic. It's incorrect, and the plural is supposed to be normal. Like: 'three Flareon sitting in a circle', or 'fifty-million Seadra'. Remember that. ;P

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Her mother and father treat her like she’s some Arceus in disguise.”
LOL! That's brilliant! xD

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That was when he realized he was a Houndour!
One or the other, mate. x3 The 'h' should be lowercase. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
All female houndooms were feminine and pretty;
Remember: no 's's.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
Ashes asked, out of the blue.
A slow smile crept across Bone’s tan muzzle. “Awesome.” she said.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saturn View Post
He was going to end up disappoint Bone anyway.
Should be 'disappointing'.

Great new chapter. ^^ Might have been good to describe Limey and Obsidian/Luna's ears and tails, but it was still good. ^^ I like how Luna inherited Obsidian's shininess, but is Luna small? 'Cause I would've thought that she should've been an Eevee. But, you know. :P
I like Bone. She sounds shy and huggable. xD Also, I think it's sad how Ashes misses his sister so much. D:

Can't wait to see what happens. ^^
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 06-10-2009 at 09:05 AM.
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