Introduction - well, the introduction seemed punchy when I began to read your story, and I was like ‘Oh, this is cool.’ Unfortunately, I soon realised I had no idea who your character was or where he came from. You could have filled some info in with the description of Tai. I’ll deal with this in the fifth section.
You fell down heavily here, as there wasn’t really that much of a plot, I’m afraid. It was basically trainer-runs-after-mon-fights-mon-throws-ball. I hardly know anything about Tai - is he a newbie trainer or a Pokémon Master? Where does he come from? He’s metaphorically two-dimensional. I don’t mind letting it slide, since this seems to be your first story, and it’s a Simple rank, but I have to warn you that you won’t get away with a plotless story again. No offence intended - I’m just trying to help you out, ‘kay?
Rating: Acceptable (but only because this is your first URPG story and it‘s a Zigzagoon.)
Well, it’s really only Tai who speaks. However, your grammar was fine - you obviously understand paragraphing. Dialogue isn’t totally necessary for a story, although it helps. Your dialogue did nothing to hurt your story, and it was realistic enough, so…yeah. ^^
Reasonable, but there were a few errors here and there. Most of them seem to come from typing too fast and not checking over the story enough.
Get back here!" a voice called out, urgent and slightly irratated.
Should be ‘irritated.’ If you hit F7 in Microsoft Word, the computer will check your spelling. It only takes a minute, but a story with no grammatical mistakes usually does well - although it does of course depend on your other writing skills.
A small animal with ragged fur with a repeating, brown and white stripe patrern of fur…
Should be ‘pattern.’ The comma after ‘repeating’ isn’t needed because you’re describing colour.
his face sligthly redder…
These seem to be mainly typos. There weren’t any terribly bad mistakes, just a lack of attention.
Rating: Acceptable, verging on ‘Good.’ Check over future stories more thoroughly, though.
Description is obviously a strong area for you - you clearly have a good grasp of what description involves. I could see Tai quite clearly in my head, although I had to imagine some stuff for myself - things like how tall he was and whether he was pale or tanned or whatever. When describing characters, it’s a good idea to describe their faces, even briefly, and include their build. Remember, they‘re not just clothes and hair. Something like this:
The teenaged Trainer was tall and tanned, with sleek, tawny gold hair reaching to his broad shoulders, strengthened by weeks of climbing mountains on his quest to reach Violet City and the first Gym in Johto. Long, fair lashes, window frames to intense blue eyes, blinked a little in the dazzling sunlight that poured down the gently-sloping green mountainside.
I knocked that up in a couple of minutes. It’s nothing special, but at least the reader understands where the character is, where he’s going and how experienced he is as a Trainer.
Something else I noticed is that Tai doesn’t seem to feel any pain when he runs smack-dab into the cliff. Not to be sadistic, but I’d like you to describe the physical pain he feels. At least leave him with a headache, for the love of God.
In the future, use more senses. Here’s a piece of advice that I frequently give - imagine that there is a relentless, irritating little man next to you, and he keeps asking questions. They keep asking things such as, “But WHERE is he? What does that Pokémon SMELL like? Is the Pokčball COLD? WHY is he there? What does that TASTE like? Does this dude have FRECKLES?” But I desist.
Definitely more interesting than some new writers’ battles, I have to say. You described Absorb very nicely - ‘tendrils of green energy’, etc. It was reasonably two-sided, even if I would have preferred that at least one of the attacks missed.
You could have added length and used the surroundings to greater effect, though. It would have been a nice touch if your Treecko had hidden up a tree, since it’s capable of leaping from branch to branch. Maybe Zigzagoon’s jagged fur got caught in a bush? Imagine the Pokémon are a couple of fighting dogs, and think about what would happen to regular animals in a scene like this. This is your battle - make it worth reading.
Rating: Acceptable, verging on Good.
I don’t know if you’ve read the thread about story length, but for a Zigzagoon, we usually expect from 5000 to 10,000 (characters, not words!). Your story was 4217 characters - close, but it should have been longer. You can copy-paste your story here (click on the link below, it‘ll take you there) and click the button to check the length. You should probably add the link to your favourites, too, if you’re going to write more stories in the future.
Rating: Hmm. Scraped an Acceptable.
I was pretty doubtful, but Zigzagoon captured
! I won’t be so lenient next time, so make sure you arm yourself with a good plot and some clever descriptions, plus checking over your work when you‘re done.
If you want to see how the URPG’s best writers do it, read something by someone like bryceBAM, although his battles tend to be more metaphorical. If you want to read an awesome battle, try PhantomKat or TyranitarTrainer. There are others, too, but I don’t want to turn this into a Recommended Reading List ;]
Congratulations, anyway. Enjoy the evil little raccoony thing!