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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-25-2009, 11:47 PM
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Smile Rascal Catch

((Let me know if I'm doing this wrong...))

"Get back here!" a voice called out, urgent and slightly irratated. "I haven't been chasing you for the past hour to lose you now! Stop! Stop, dangit!" The shrill tone echoed throughout the leafy forest, reverberating off the wooden trees, reaching the teenage boy's ears.

The voice belonged to Tai, a male of about 18 years of age. Fluffy, golden-brown hair reached down to just past his neck, wild bangs framing the bright blue eyes set into his head. He wore a light blue shirt with dark green sleeves, a red hood flailing about behind him as he ran, bright orange sneakers pounding the soft earthen floor beneath them. Faded blue jeans took the brunt of passing bushes as Tai ran after something.

A small animal with ragged fur with a repeating, brown and white stripe patrern of fur ran just ahead of him, dark brown eyes darting ahead, its four small legs padding to keep up its speed. It looked like a speeding raccoon. It went off to the side, then to the opposite end of that circuit, then repeated the process. It was quite odd, actually.

"Ha! I've got you now!" Tai called out in triumph as a wall of rock signaling a mountain side shot up from the ground in front of them both. "Nowhere to run, Zigzagoon!" He was closing the distance... almost there...

WAM!

The small, fury creature darted off to the right at that last second. Tai, mid-dive in a desperate attempt to catch it, rammed face-first into the cool grey rock. He slid down, then collapsed onto his back, his face sligthly redder then before from the running he'd been doing. His left eye twitched as he got back up and saw the Pokemon looking at him, sitting still, sticking its tongue out as if to say 'Gotcha'.

"Think that was funny, do ya?" Tai asked, grinning. "Well, then this will be hilarious! Bouncer, do your stuff!"

The youth reched down and clasped a small red-and-white ball from the weathered brown belt at his waist. He pushed the button in the center, watched kit enlargen, and then tossed it in the air. A burst of white light struck the ground, and when it vanished, ball back in Tai's outstretched hand, a new creature was there.

It was a gecko of a light green tinge, a red belly running down its front. A double split dark green tail covered its backside, and two big, yellow eyes blinked before assesing the situation. It was a Treecko.

"Quick Attack!" Tai yelled out, pointing at the Zigzagoon, who was now panicking, looking back and forth for a way to escape.

Immediately the gecko charged forward, a streak of white trailing behind it as it went. The zigzagoon stopped fidgeting long enough to notice the oncoming attack before it was hit full in the face with the charged tackle. It flew a short distance before landing on its side. It growled as it got to its four feet.

"Ready buddy?" Tai asked, adressing his Pokemon partner. The Treecko looked back and nodded... just in time for the Zigzagoon to cloe the distance between them and bring it's paw down in a Scratch attack. Bouncer cringed as the claws scraped at it, but didn't expect the Tackle that soon followed. The gecko fell back and hit the soft soil before the Zigzagoon quickly jumped back.

"Bouncer! Are you okay?" Tai knelt down next to his partner, who was climbing to its feet. Eyes now foucsed on its opponent, Tai knew that they wouldn't be leaving until this battle was done. "All right, lets capture this guy and head home! Use Leer!"

The yellow eyes of the Treecko grew bright as they shined, and the raccoon Pokemon looked almost as if it were frightened. It stood, seemingly rooted to the spot.

"Go, Absorb!"

While the Zigzagoon was still thinking of what had just happened, Bouncer stretched out its tiny arms, tendrils of green energy flinging out and wrapping around the small rascal that had been the object of Tai's search that day. It whimpered as its power was drained and added to it's adversary's.

"Good job Bouncer! Now, lets wrap this up and call it a day! PokeBall, go!"

Tai took another red-and-white ball from his belt, enlargened it, and tossed it at the trembling Pokemon that lay a few feet before him. The boy almost sqealed as the orb grew ever closer to its target...
__________________
Money: $3000

Pokemon
Bouncer the Treecko
Stripes the Zigzagoon
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  #2  
Old 07-26-2009, 01:39 AM
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Default Re: Rascal Catch

Ready for grading! ^o^
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Bouncer the Treecko
Stripes the Zigzagoon
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  #3  
Old 07-27-2009, 07:11 AM
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Default Re: Rascal Catch

Hmm. If Scourge of Amaranth hasn't posted before I finish writing this sentence, I'll grade. ^^
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  #4  
Old 07-27-2009, 10:56 AM
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Post Re: Rascal Catch

Introduction:

Introduction - well, the introduction seemed punchy when I began to read your story, and I was like ‘Oh, this is cool.’ Unfortunately, I soon realised I had no idea who your character was or where he came from. You could have filled some info in with the description of Tai. I’ll deal with this in the fifth section.

Rating: Poor


Plot:

You fell down heavily here, as there wasn’t really that much of a plot, I’m afraid. It was basically trainer-runs-after-mon-fights-mon-throws-ball. I hardly know anything about Tai - is he a newbie trainer or a Pokémon Master? Where does he come from? He’s metaphorically two-dimensional. I don’t mind letting it slide, since this seems to be your first story, and it’s a Simple rank, but I have to warn you that you won’t get away with a plotless story again. No offence intended - I’m just trying to help you out, ‘kay?

Rating: Acceptable (but only because this is your first URPG story and it‘s a Zigzagoon.)



Dialogue:

Well, it’s really only Tai who speaks. However, your grammar was fine - you obviously understand paragraphing. Dialogue isn’t totally necessary for a story, although it helps. Your dialogue did nothing to hurt your story, and it was realistic enough, so…yeah. ^^

Rating: Good.



Grammar:

Reasonable, but there were a few errors here and there. Most of them seem to come from typing too fast and not checking over the story enough.

Quote:
Get back here!" a voice called out, urgent and slightly irratated.
Should be ‘irritated.’ If you hit F7 in Microsoft Word, the computer will check your spelling. It only takes a minute, but a story with no grammatical mistakes usually does well - although it does of course depend on your other writing skills.

Quote:
A small animal with ragged fur with a repeating, brown and white stripe patrern of fur…
Should be ‘pattern.’ The comma after ‘repeating’ isn’t needed because you’re describing colour.

Quote:
his face sligthly redder…
Slightly.

Quote:
The zigzagoon…
Capital ‘Z’.

These seem to be mainly typos. There weren’t any terribly bad mistakes, just a lack of attention.

Rating: Acceptable, verging on ‘Good.’ Check over future stories more thoroughly, though.



Detail:

Description is obviously a strong area for you - you clearly have a good grasp of what description involves. I could see Tai quite clearly in my head, although I had to imagine some stuff for myself - things like how tall he was and whether he was pale or tanned or whatever. When describing characters, it’s a good idea to describe their faces, even briefly, and include their build. Remember, they‘re not just clothes and hair. Something like this:

Quote:
The teenaged Trainer was tall and tanned, with sleek, tawny gold hair reaching to his broad shoulders, strengthened by weeks of climbing mountains on his quest to reach Violet City and the first Gym in Johto. Long, fair lashes, window frames to intense blue eyes, blinked a little in the dazzling sunlight that poured down the gently-sloping green mountainside.
I knocked that up in a couple of minutes. It’s nothing special, but at least the reader understands where the character is, where he’s going and how experienced he is as a Trainer.

Something else I noticed is that Tai doesn’t seem to feel any pain when he runs smack-dab into the cliff. Not to be sadistic, but I’d like you to describe the physical pain he feels. At least leave him with a headache, for the love of God.

In the future, use more senses. Here’s a piece of advice that I frequently give - imagine that there is a relentless, irritating little man next to you, and he keeps asking questions. They keep asking things such as, “But WHERE is he? What does that Pokémon SMELL like? Is the Pokčball COLD? WHY is he there? What does that TASTE like? Does this dude have FRECKLES?” But I desist.

Rating: Good.


Battle:

Definitely more interesting than some new writers’ battles, I have to say. You described Absorb very nicely - ‘tendrils of green energy’, etc. It was reasonably two-sided, even if I would have preferred that at least one of the attacks missed.

You could have added length and used the surroundings to greater effect, though. It would have been a nice touch if your Treecko had hidden up a tree, since it’s capable of leaping from branch to branch. Maybe Zigzagoon’s jagged fur got caught in a bush? Imagine the Pokémon are a couple of fighting dogs, and think about what would happen to regular animals in a scene like this. This is your battle - make it worth reading.

Rating: Acceptable, verging on Good.


Length:

I don’t know if you’ve read the thread about story length, but for a Zigzagoon, we usually expect from 5000 to 10,000 (characters, not words!). Your story was 4217 characters - close, but it should have been longer. You can copy-paste your story here (click on the link below, it‘ll take you there) and click the button to check the length. You should probably add the link to your favourites, too, if you’re going to write more stories in the future.

http://wsabstract.com/script/script2/charcount.shtml

Rating: Hmm. Scraped an Acceptable.


Outcome:

I was pretty doubtful, but Zigzagoon captured! I won’t be so lenient next time, so make sure you arm yourself with a good plot and some clever descriptions, plus checking over your work when you‘re done.

If you want to see how the URPG’s best writers do it, read something by someone like bryceBAM, although his battles tend to be more metaphorical. If you want to read an awesome battle, try PhantomKat or TyranitarTrainer. There are others, too, but I don’t want to turn this into a Recommended Reading List ;]

Congratulations, anyway. Enjoy the evil little raccoony thing!
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  #5  
Old 07-27-2009, 04:21 PM
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tai sky Offline
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Default Re: Rascal Catch

Yeah, I wasn't sure on how Capture Stories were supposed to be written here, so I went with a standard basic idea. Truthfully I KNOW I can do better and wasn't entirely sure what was to be expected, so I went sort of low-key with this. ^-^;

I don't have a spell-check feature on my computer, but if I did believe me, I would've used it. *nods* Like you said, typing fast is my area of problem that I need to focus working on. Even my RP posts tend to suffer from it.

Thanks for being so leniant. I'm grateful for your time and effort, and I look forward to pleasing you should you decide to grade my stories in the future. =) *bows*

I have a thing for raccoons, so Zigzagoon was a must for me. xD
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Pokemon
Bouncer the Treecko
Stripes the Zigzagoon
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